Something wider, more ma.s.sive, infinitely grander, is coming to us, if we will wait patiently.
She sat motionless until all the congregation had dispersed; and when she left the church, there was an expression of gravity on her face and a sense of contentment in her heart. At the sight of some children romping by the church-yard railings, she smiled. A boy pushed a girl with mirthful vigorousness, and she spoke to him gently.
"Don"t be rough, little boy. Take care, and don"t hurt her--even in play."
Then she gave the children "silver sixpences to buy sweeties," and went slowly down the court. She could think kindly and benignantly of all the world. There was not a tinge of bitterness remaining when she thought of her husband.
As she lay in bed one morning after a night of dreamless sleep, a chance word dropped by Yates set her lazily thinking of the last date on which she had suffered from those normal and not accidental fluctuations of energy that are produced by periodically recurrent causes. Beginning to count the weeks, she fancied that some error of memory was confusing her--time of late had moved with such heavy feet; what seemed long was really short in the story of her days. Then she began to count the days, trying to make fixed points, and laboriously filling the gaps that intervened. Then she stopped counting and thinking.
Yates had gone out of the room, and she lay quite still, with relaxed limbs and slackened respiration.
And her mind seemed dull and void, though wonder stirred and thrilled.
It was like dawn in a hill-girt valley--black darkness mingling with silver mist; shadows growing thin, but not retreating; the ribbed sides of the mountains very slowly becoming more and more solidly stupendous, but refusing to disclose the details of their form or colour, although, beyond the vast ramparts with which they aid the night, the sun is surely rising. Not till the sun bursts in fire above the eastern wall does the day begin.
So, with flooding golden light, the splendid hope came to her.
She waited for a few more days. There was no mistake; she knew that she had counted correctly; but she pretended to herself that she must allow a wide margin to cover the contingency of miscalculation.
Then she spoke of the facts to Yates, after extracting a solemn vow of secrecy. Yates said they could draw only one conclusion from the facts; it was impossible to doubt--but they would know for certain next time.
They must count again; and, after allowing another wide margin, settle the approaching date which would infallibly confirm their hopes or cruelly dissipate them.
For a little while longer, then, she must keep her splendid secret.
Her heart was overflowing with a joy such as she had thought she could never feel again. And with the warm stream of bliss there were gushing fountains of grat.i.tude. She will forgive her husband everything, because he has crowned her life with this ineffable glory.
It justifies her marriage; in a manner more perfect than she had dared to imagine, it gives her back her youth. All mothers at the cradle have one age--the age of motherhood. And irresistibly it will win his respect and love--some love must come for the mother of his babe.
Although she was waiting with so much anxiety until the second significant epoch should be pa.s.sed, she found that time glided by her now easily and swiftly. Yates--the wise old spinster--a.s.suming in a more marked degree that air of matronly authority that she had worn before the wedding, told her of the vital importance of taking good rest, good nourishment, and good cheerful views regarding the future.
So she often lay upon the sofa in her room--resting,--smiling and dreaming. She had no real doubt now. It was miraculous, glorious, true.
She thought of the many symptoms that she had noticed but never considered, so that the revelation of their meaning brought the same glad surprise as to a young and innocent bride. She might have guessed.--The dreadful instability of nerves; longings for the widest outlet of physical effort, alternating with weak horrors of the slightest task; and, above all, the facile tears always springing to her eyes--these things, in one who by habit was firm of purpose and who wept with difficulty, should have been promptly recognized as unfailing signs of her condition. Lesser signs, too, had not been wanting--the vagrant fancies, the mental ups and downs which correspond with the changed states of the body; and she groped in the dim past, comparing her recent sensations and reveries with those experienced twenty-three years ago, before the birth of Enid. She might have guessed.--But truly perhaps she had been too humble of spirit ever to prepare herself for the admission of so proud a thought. Even in the brightly coloured dreams from which realities had so rudely awakened her, she was not advancing towards so triumphant an apotheosis.
But no morning sickness! Not yet. It will begin later this time--for the second child; and it will not be so bad. That first time--when poor Enid was coming into the world--she was but a slip of a girl; depressed by heavy care; worn out by the watchings and nursings of her mother"s illness. But now everything was and would be different. She possessed robust and long-established health; her husband was a magnificently strong man; their child would be a most n.o.ble gorgeous creature.
And each time that she thought thus of the child"s father, the fountain springs of her intense grat.i.tude rose and gushed higher and broader. She was only vaguely conscious of the extent of the revulsion of her feelings where he was concerned. The change seemed so natural and so little mysterious that she did not measure it. With the awakening of the new hopes, there had arisen a new love for him--a love purged of all impurities.
This was the real love--wide-reaching sympathy, infinite tenderness; the love that can understand all and forgive all; the instinct of protection blending with the instinct of submission; the maternal feeling extending beyond the unborn child to its creator--making them both her children.
One day when he said he wanted to ask her a favour, she told him, before he added another word, that she felt sure she would grant the favour.
She was reading, in the drawing-room; and she slipped the book under the cushion of the sofa, and looked up at him with an expectant smile.
Then, showing some slight embarra.s.sment, he explained that he had been "outrunning the constable."
All the arrangements of the partnership were formally settled; nothing had been overlooked by clever Mr. Prentice; everything was cut and dried; certain proportionately fixed sums were to be pa.s.sed from time to time to the private credit of each partner; and then at the appointed seasons, when the true profits of the firm had been ascertained, amounts making up the balance of earned income would be paid over. All the usual precautions, and some that perhaps were rather unusual, had been adopted in order to prevent the partners from antic.i.p.ating profits by premature drafts upon the funds of the firm. But now, as Marsden explained, he had exhausted his private account and was in sad need of a little ready to keep him going.
She instantly agreed to give him the money--with the pleasure a too indulgent mother might feel in giving to a spendthrift son.
Extravagance--what is it? Only one of those faults of youth by which the thoughtless young culprits endear themselves to their elderly guardians.
"Yes, d.i.c.k, I"ll write the cheque at once. My chequebook is over there."
She rose slowly from the sofa, and slowly moved across the room to the Sheraton desk near the window. Yates had begged her to beware of abrupt and hasty movements, and she walked about the house now with careful, well-considered footsteps.
"Of course, old girl, if you can see your way to making the amount for a little _more_?"
And she made it for a little more.
He was delighted. "Upon my word, Jane, you"re a trump. No rot about you.
When you see anyone in a hole, you don"t badger him with a pack of questions--you just pull him out of the hole...."
He thanked her and praised her so much that she melted in tenderness, and almost told him her secret. She looked at him fondly and admiringly.
He seemed so strong and so brave--with his stiff close-cropped hair and his white evenly-shaped teeth,--laughing gleefully as he pocketed his present,--like a great happy schoolboy. While she looked at him, the secret was trying to escape, was burning her lips, and knocking at her breast with each quickened heartbeat.
She succeeded, however, in restraining the expansive impulse. The delay can but heighten the triumph--it is so much grander to be able to say, not "I _think_," but "I _know_."
When he had hurried away to cash his cheque, she took out the Book that she had been reading and had shyly concealed under the cushion. It was the Bible. Reverently reopening it and musingly turning the leaves, she glanced at those chapters of Genesis that tell of the first gift of human life.... "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband; and he shall rule over thee."
The softness and the exaltation of her mood showed very plainly in the expression of her face as she read the n.o.bly fabled origin of love and marriage. While reading she made vows to G.o.d and to herself. If all went well, she would cheerfully bear the hardest usage, at her husband"s hands. She would never reproach him, she would ever be a comfort to him.
And so long as their child lived, the torch-bearer carrying the fire of life kindled from their joint lives should guide her steps through the darkest places towards the distant glimmer of eternal light.
That night she was roused from her first sleep by the sound of heavily blundering footsteps. Mr. Marsden had come home in an unusually jolly state. His wife heard him stumbling about the adjacent room, knocking over a chair, laughing, and singing drunken s.n.a.t.c.hes of song.
He had never before been quite so jolly. For a minute the hilarious music saddened her; but then she felt quite happy again. He was not really drunk--merely excited, elated. And besides, this sort of thing would not occur in the future: a generous fear of the questioning eyes of an innocent child would help to keep him straight.
And she fell to thinking of domestic arrangements that would be necessary before the great event. His bedroom and the dressing-room used to be the day and night nursery when Enid was a baby. The grandmother slept in the room at present occupied by Yates, and Yates slept in a smaller room. How would they manage now? This room should be the night nursery--she herself could sleep anywhere. Probably Yates would have to give up her nice room--but Yates would not mind. And, yes--the difficulty must be confronted--d.i.c.k must give up his dressing-room.
Would he mind?
No. Every difficulty would be surmounted. All would be smoothly and easily arranged in the end. Dreamily sweeping away the difficulties, she sank again into restful sleep.
That important second date was drawing near, and Yates was becoming more and more fussily attentive. It taxed all her strength of mind to keep the secret to herself; she longed for the time when it might be made public property.
"Look here, ma"am," she said mysteriously, "don"t let anyone see us opening this parcel. Let"s go upstairs and open it there, quiet and comfortable."
"What is it, Yates?"
Upstairs in the bedroom, Yates, with many shrewd nods and meaning smiles, untied her parcel, and displayed to Mrs. Marsden its entrancingly fascinating contents.
"Oh, Yates!"
They were the prettiest imaginable little baby-things--woollen socks, flannel robes, etc., articles of costume suitable to the very earliest stage; together with materials for binders, wrappers, and so on, that would require cutting, st.i.tching, _making_.
"The work will do you good," said Yates. "Just to amuse yourself, when you"re sitting all alone up here--and to keep your mind off the strain."
"Oh, Yates, they are lovely. Where did you get them?"
"Don"t you bother where I got them," said Yates, looking shame-faced all at once. "I don"t intend to tell you." But then she went on defiantly: "Well, if you _must_ know, I got them in the children"s outfitting department--over at Bence"s."