"I don"t know how much I"m thinking," I admitted. My mind vacillated somewhere between one and a million, but none of the numbers sounded right. "How much do you think I"m thinking?"
"Do you actually wanna have this conversation?" He looked at me seriously. "I"m willing to, if you are, but... do you actually wanna talk about this?"
"I don"t know anything about your relationship history at all, and I"d like to," I offered meekly, peering at him over the top of the blankets.
"You just look so terrified by it," Jack smiled at me.
"Cause I don"t know what I"ll find out." My eyes met his for a moment before I nervously dropped them.
"It"s not bad," he a.s.sured me, but there was a pit in my stomach that only seemed to be growing.
It didn"t help that I knew this topic was making him nervous.
"Well... how about a ballpark figure?" I asked and lowered the covers a little bit.
"Oh," Jack groaned and looked away. "I don"t know about that."
"Why not?" I pressed.
"Because it"s misleading."
98.
"Misleading?" I raised an eyebrow, and he leaned back on the couch, relenting.
"Fine." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "The thing is, I dated this girl from the time I was 14 until I was 20. I mean, she was the only girl I was with for all of high school. After we broke up, I went out one other girl for like four months, and that"s it. I mean, as a guy, I had tons of girls that were friends, but like no action at all. So, two girls as a human. That"s it."
"And then?" Whatever his answer was going to be, I knew I didn"t want to hear it, so I don"t know why I even asked.
"When I turned... suddenly hot girls wanted me, and even some hot vampires, which you know, when you"re new to this, vampires look really hot." He scratched at his head and shifted uneasily.
"You know how we said that in the beginning, you"re hungrier than normal? Like Milo thinks he needs to eat every hour when he really doesn"t? And all your emotions are right at the top?
Well... so..." He trailed off with a conflicted expression on his face.
"No, no, I really don"t wanna talk about this," Jack said, rubbing his eye and shaking his head.
"Look, it"s really not that bad. Honest. But I don"t want you to think of me like that. Cause I"m not. I mean, I never was. Before, I only ever had s.e.x in relationships, and the past fourteen years I"ve barely done anything. So I don"t want to be judge on like the first year or two when I was stupid and young. Okay?"
"Its scaring me more that you won"t tell me," I told him honestly. "I mean, is it like a thousand girls or something?"
"No, no, G.o.d, no!" Jack insisted with wide eyes. "It was like... twenty girls. I think it was like fifteen girls and six vampires. I think. I mean. I"m sorry." He looked ashamed and dirty. "I"m sorry. I didn"t... I don"t know." He looked away from me and shook his head. "That"s not who I am now, and that wasn"t who I was before. That was just me coming to terms with being a vampire, and being cool and s.e.xy in a way I never was before."
"I see," I swallowed hard. It wasn"t that bad, but it wasn"t as good as I had hoped. Like under five would"ve been a very acceptable number for me. That I would"ve handled the best.
"I"m really sorry." He looked at me apologetically.
"No, it"s okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn"t do anything wrong." I had wrapped my arms tightly around myself and I couldn"t seem to meet his gaze, but I wasn"t lying either. "So...
did you... have you like actually had relationships since you turned?"
"Kind of, once," Jack allowed, looking more comfortable with this. "It was a couple years ago. But other than that, for the past like fourteen years I"ve been celibate. So. I think that counts for something."
"Mmm." I refused to confirm or deny that, because I wasn"t sure either way. "Why did you stop?"
"Stop what?" Jack looked at me curiously.
"You had s.e.x with a lot of girls, and then you became celibate. Why?" My heart was settling down, and I was trying to concentrate on the fact that that was a long time ago, and he had stopped. He wasn"t still some kind of rich playboy that just went out and hooked up with hot girls just because he could.
"I just... it was boring. It wasn"t who I was, and it didn"t feel right," he shrugged. In an attempt to lighten my mood, he turned the tables on me. "What about you? What"s your story?"
99.
"I don"t have a story," I told him, but he laughed. "What? I don"t."
"Really?" Jack gave me a stern look. "Cause I"m pretty sure I just picked you up the other night, and you had been making out with some guy."
"Well, that"s it! That"s all there is to tell!" I grimaced at the thought of it, and feeling even worse talking about it sober. Regardless of what our actual status was, it felt like cheating somehow, and it was totally stupid and pointless. I vowed to never drink alcohol again.
"That"s the only time you"ve ever kissed a guy? I mean, other than me... or Peter." He was dubious, and my hesitation made him nervous, but he didn"t understand that there really wasn"t anything to tell.
"No, I"ve kissed guys before," I admitted. "But everything is exactly the same. I"d go to some party with Jane, and there"d be some guy there that I would kiss for a little bit. But it"d never be anything more than that. Sometimes I"d think that it might turn into something, but it never did. So that"s that. I"ve kissed a couple guys when I was drinking. The end."
"Really?" He had moved on from skeptical to bewildered, like he couldn"t wrap his mind around what I was saying.
"Why is that so hard to believe?"
"I don"t know." He settled back into the again, furrowing his brow thoughtfully. "I guess I must just be impartial."
"What are you talking about?" I turned my body more to face him more, gently pressing my knee into his leg as I did.
"Well..." Jack laughed nervously, but that didn"t effect how perfect it sounded, or the way it sent happy shivers down me. "Like tonight, when you walked into that room, everybody turned and stared. You"re kind of irresistible."
"That"s different," I brushed him. "That"s just because of my blood." No sooner had the words fallen out of my mouth then a painful realization gripped me. My heart ached dully and the color drained from face.
"What?" Jack looked panicked, wondering what he could have done to set off in a reaction like that in me. He moved closer, unsure if he should touch me and console me or if that would only make it worse.
"It"s my blood." I bit the inside of my cheek as I worked it out in my head. "That"s it, isn"t it? That"s why you"re..." Jack was attracted tome for the same reason Peter was, but on an entirely different level. And unlike Peter, who should feel bonded to me no matter what, Jack"s would all but disappear when I turned. My blood would stop smelling so sweet, and all my appeal would disappear. "This is all because of the way I smell and taste and the way my stupid heart beats!"
"No!" Jack protested, looking offended and upset. "No! That has nothing to do with the way I feel about you!"
"I walked into a room full of the most gorgeous people on earth, and they all turned to look at me, plain, boring, ordinary me," I persisted, but there was an awful lump swelling in my throat that made it difficult to talk. "The only thing that makes me irresistible to them, to you, is my blood.
Otherwise I"m just bland, in everyway, which is why human boys don"t give me a second look."
"Alice!" He groaned and laid his head back on the couch, angry at himself for his own poor choice of words. Sitting up, he looked at me directly. "Okay, fine, you want the truth? Yes! The vampire 100 in me does want the blood in you, more than you can ever imagine. But if that was it, then I would"ve just bitten you a long time ago, or let Peter kill you, or just forgotten about you! I"ve been hungry before! I"ve tasted things better than you, okay? You might be a fine wine in the vampire realm, but you"re not the only one and you"re certainly not the finest on the shelf."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it"s really not..." I mumbled, and he shook his head.
"No, I"m just saying your blood isn"t that amazing," Jack elaborated. "It"s not the only thing binding me to you. If it were, then I wouldn"t want you to turn so bad, and I cannot wait for you turn. You, not your blood, are amazing."
"You really can"t wait for me turn?" I felt a little rea.s.sured, but I looked at him hopefully, biting my lip.
"Are you kidding?" Jack laughed. "I"m dying to kiss you."
"So? Humans are capable of kissing just as much as you are." Deliberately, I leaned in towards him, and while he didn"t move in closer, he didn"t move away either. His breathing had deepened and his eyes were locked on mine, searching for resistance.
Before I could formulate an argument convincing him that he should kiss me, Jack gently placed his hand on my cheek, resting his thumb softly on my skin, and then leaned in to kiss me. Initially, I"m sure it was supposed to sweet, short kiss, but whenever he touched me, it ignited something inside me that I couldn"t control. I threw my arms around my neck and kissed him greedily, and I loved the frantic feel of his tongue against mine.
Wonderful hot tingles spread through me and my stomach fluttered. He was sitting back on the couch, and I moved onto his lap so I was straddling him. His hands were searching all over me, smoldering against my skin. He kissed me so desperately, like he was terrified to stop. I dug in my fingers into his hair, pulling him as close to me as I possibly could.
Something came over me, and with an eager insistence, I stopped kissing him just long enough for me to pull his shirt off. He looked at me questioningly, but then I was pressing my mouth to his before either of could think about it. His skin burned against me, and I relished the way it felt.
Pushing myself against him, his fingers dug hungrily into my flesh.
As were kissing and my mind was becoming a deliriously happy fog, I realized that we could be closer still. With him, there were more ways than one, and both of them sounded too tantalizing to pa.s.s up. The way his lips touched my neck, I knew which one he wanted the most, but I planned on taking the road that would least likely lead to our deaths. I looped my fingers into the elastic of his boxers, and he moaned with surprise.
"Sorry to interrupt, but I just thought I"d let you know I was home," Ezra"s deep voice filled the room, making my heart stop in a frightful panic. I looked over my shoulder to see him standing in the doorway to the living room, looking at us with total disappointment and disapproval.
"Oh, s.h.i.t," Jack groaned.
We had stopped kissing, as it seemed impertinent to keep it up, and he allowed me to slide off his lap but wouldn"t let me move any farther away from him. He wrapped the blanket around us both and kept an arm around me, keeping me warmly pressed up against him. Out of shame, I buried my head in his shoulder and tried to hide as much as I could in the covers.
"Are you h.e.l.l bent on getting her killed?" Ezra asked wearily.
101.
Jack dropped his eyes to the floor instead of answering, and Ezra flicked on the living room lights, casting the room with brightness that made me squint. Slowly, he walked over and sat in the chair across from us. He leaned back and crossed his leg over his knee, settling in the chair.
"Well?" Ezra looked at us expectantly.
"What?" Jack asked apprehensively, and I involuntarily moved in closer to him. The sudden shift from unbridled pa.s.sion to panicked shame was a little much for me to keep up with.
"I"m waiting for you to explain what exactly is going on with you," Ezra rested a hand on his chin, looking at Jack solemnly. "What do you really think you"re doing with all of this?"
"I-I don"t know," Jack stumbled and rubbed the back of his neck. "I wasn"t really thinking. We were just having fun."
"That"s your answer for this and the club?" Ezra asked evenly, and Jack nodded. "I see."
"This wasn"t-" Jack gestured to me but then floundered. "It wasn"t anything. I mean, it was under control."
"Jack, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you don"t seem to ever be in control of matters that involve Alice," Ezra told him dryly. "What do you really think would"ve happened if I hadn"t walked in here? Do you think you"d be able to stop yourself?" Jack flinched, and I felt his body tense up as he started to pull away from me.
"I screwed up," Jack sighed, and his tone was just above whining. "I get it. I always screw up. You don"t need to rub my nose in it."
"That"s what you think I"m trying to do?" Ezra sounded offended. "Jack, I am trying to keep you both alive!"
"I keep her safe," Jack growled defensively.
"A vampire club? Jack, really?" Ezra raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "Did you forget what happened to you the first time you went there? You nearly died. Vampires may try very hard to live a civilized life, but you of all people should know what they"re capable of. They can be brutal monsters."
"Milo just wanted to check it out, and Alice wanted to get out and do something fun," Jack shifted uneasily, and by now, he wasn"t touching me at all. There were several inches of cold distance between us, but I knew it came from his own guilt and not resentment towards me. "I"d been there before, and humans go there all the time and they"re fine! Plus, there was one human to two vampires. I thought we had her covered."
"It takes so little to take it all away," Ezra warned him quietly. "She is so fragile."
"Then why can"t we just turn her?" Jack suggested plaintively. "Then n.o.body would have to worry about me accidentally killing her!"
"You know I can"t do that right now," Ezra rubbed his eyes tiredly.
"Why not?" Jack persisted, and I was glad for it. Maybe if he tried to do the convincing, it would count for something more.
"Milo is too young. When you have too many young vampires, it"s far too dangerous," Ezra sighed.
102.
"Things have a way of getting out of control, and vampires require proper guidance to keep them from turning into something horrendous. Morals and restraint are imperative to our survival. We have the power and strength to destroy everything if we don"t live in quiet moderation, and a young, unmentored vampire can level a city."
"But we"re all here!" Jack insisted growing frustrated. "There"s three of us here to the two of them.
And they"re both pretty reasonable people. We"d be fine!"
"You say that because this is what you were born into," Ezra explained with a mixture of affection and fatigue. "We were always stable and supportive and calm. You don"t know what it"s like when there are too many vampires and not enough leadership. You"ve led a very privileged life, and you"re taking that for granted."
"It"s just two more vampires," Jack complained indignantly.
"It just takes one, Jack!" Ezra raised his voice louder than I ever heard him before, and I winced.
Jack tried to seem unfazed, but I knew it unnerved him. "I"ve seen what it does, and I don"t want that for us."
"But..." I said meekly, peering at him from over the top of the blankets. "Just because it happened somewhere else doesn"t mean it"ll happen here."
"I"m sure Mae has told you of the unique position you are in," Ezra said warmly, turning his attention to me and resting his deep brown eyes on me. "You are one of the few vampires that has a choice in this life. The rest of us were forced into it."
"She did tell me that, yes," I admitted quietly.
"And she also told you of the family she left behind, and how difficult that was." Ezra rested his elbow on the arm of his chair and rested his chin against his hand, and watched me carefully.