The Third Life and Thereafter – 2
Portentousof ill omen? No, it doesn’t make any sense. Because it’s too late, the calamityand misfortune are already happening.
Lookingat me who said such a thing, Crow opened his eyes wide and slowly smiled… atany case, that’s what it looked like. Crow’s beak which should not have beenable to make any expression, certainly looked like it was slowly laughing; theblack bird that was here was probably an illusion.
“…What you’re holding in your armsis your child?”
Whydid Crow asked me about my child despite him being something that should not bevisible? When I tilted my head wondering why Crow knew about the thing I washolding in my arms, it answered.
“Of course I know about it. BecauseI’ve always been watching.”
Asexpected, it was showing a smile on his face.
“I’ve seen you cuddling that child.”
“… Is that so?”
“I bet it’s surely adorable.”
“… yes, that’s right. Very… lovely.”
Eventhough it introduced himself with such ominous words, what a gentle conversationit made. When I moved my line of sight from the phantom which had said it wascalled Crow, my white arms that were forming the shape of circle in front of mychest stood out against the darkness of the room. Even though I certainly felta heavy weight in those arms, I knew it was an illusion, because I couldn’t seethe face of the infant I should have been holding. Inside the dim room, theoutline of everything was very vague, I didn’t know with certainty what washere or what wasn’t. That’s why I couldn’t see the face of the child in myarms. I tried to believe this firmly.
Iknew he’s adorable. It cannot be helped he’s cute. Because he’s my child. Himand mine child. But, the child inside my arms didn’t have a face. I couldn’teven imagine the face of the child I wasn’t granted the chance to see.
“You, what on earth did you comehere for? There is nothing here.”
WhenI questioned it while holding in my arms a phantom that was much more gloomyand sorrowful than the despairing darkness of the room, Crow laughed in asuggestive way while flying around. It said it was a bird but what a ridiculousway of laughing.
“Didn’t you consider I came hereprecisely because there was nothing?”
Itlightly jumped on the top of the dresser, turned its neck around once thentilted it in a charming way.
“What can you possibly be trying tomean?”
“Anyway, I guess I’m bored!”
Crowopened his large wings wide and turned on himself once. Or so I thought but thenext moment,
“Nya”
Abovethe dresser, there was a black cat. Its body trembled with a sudden shaking asif it was brus.h.i.+ng off something, then after it stared back at me to observe myreaction, it exclaimed,
“… Oh? It wasn’t to your liking?”
Whilerubbing its whiskers against its front paw, it tilted its head and said thatwomen usually applaud when seeing this.
“… I think it’s cute though.”
Idon’t like it that much. When I said that, “That’s so? Such a shame, it’sreally a pity,” it answered and smiled as if it didn’t care about it at all. WhenI was staring absentmindedly at its figure, the black cat suddenly jumped offthe dresser. As soon as it landed on the floor, it turned back to its previousblack bird shape.
“And so? Princess, why the h.e.l.l areyou imprisoned in such a place?”
“… I am not a princess.”
“Oh, well. Even if I call you aprincess it’s not an exaggeration cause you’re charming.”
“… I am not charming.”
“Eh, it’s that so? Hmm, what aproblem, I’m troubled, I’m troubled.”
Crowjumped a few times on the floor while making “Un, un” sounds and bending itshead sideway. It had wings but didn’t use them to fly, what a waste.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. So, is itfine to ask why you’re in such a place?”
Crow,which eventually jumped up higher and higher with its feet, landed on the bed Iwas sitting on.
“Such a place you said, but that’smy bedroom.”
“Yup, I know that.”
Eventhough it shouldn’t have any expression, I wondered why I felt its face wascurved in a cheerful one.
“The thing I want to know is, whyare a n.o.ble princess like you in such a room?”
“That, what do you mean such aroom…? It’s not such an awful place as what you make it sounds like.”
“…eh? Are you serious when you saythat?”
“…?”
Tiltingits head, Crow looked helplessly over the room.
“Take a better look, princess. Atthat window.”
Sinceit told me to, I moved my eyes toward the window covered by curtain its yelloweyes were turned to. But, there was only the pale blue curtain and it wasn’tdifferent from usual. When I bent my head with a confused expression, besidesme the sound of flapping wings resounded.
“There, look now.”
Crow,which finally reached the window after swimming through the air, used its beakto pinch the curtain and skillfully pulled it. The window frame that appearedin the gap was vividly depicting a dark night.
“This… isn’t it a grill of ironbars?”
WhenI concentrate my attention with inquiring eyes, I knew the shapes of iron bars werereflected in the gla.s.s. It must surely be this. Without doubts, on the outsideof the window, an iron grid had been affixed.
“Why are you imprisoned in a roomthat looks like a prison?”
Crowonce again turned its little head in my direction.
“… You, you said you’re Crow right?”
“Eh? Ah, yup.”
“You, didn’t you enter from thatwindow? I wonder how you got inside?”
“… . Eh?! The thing you’re caringabout now is that?”
But,I already knew there was an iron grid affixed there. When I said that, a frownappeared between the eyebrows Crow shouldn’t have had.
“It’s true you already said itearlier but, you’re certainly broken somewhere.”
Whenit sighed in a quite human way, Crow let out a laughing sound from the depth ofits throat.
“…I’m pleased with you, reallypleased. Right, that’s good. You’re very good.”
That’swhy, shall I lend you my cooperation?
Theyoung boy voice completely changed and became one of an adult man. It was lowand enticing, it was a pressuring voice that would entangle you if you were tobe careless.
“Cooperating you say, what for?”
“Anything related to you?”
“… Anything?”
“If you say you want to kill people,or anything like that, it’s fine. For me, it’s very easy.”
Itwas some silly talk. Just some nonsense. Even if I knew that, I felt like I wasabout to spontaneously nod and say “yes.” As I reflexively sank into silence,
“What, and then I was sure youweren’t a pure and innocent princess?” it said this in a pleased tone ratherthan a disappointed one.
“… As I thought, you’re jokingright?”
“Ah, who knows? If you reallydesired so, I’m ready to lend a hand!”
Then,when I was considering how to reply, without any warning signs, in a poppingsound the black bird literally burst out with laugher. As I covered my eyes toprotect them from the black feathers that were scattering in all directions,
“…Ahahahahah” someone sneered in aboisterous way.
WhenI slightly opened my eyes, at the other side of the feathers fluttering insidethe room, I saw the figure of a person. When I properly opened my eyes whilesweeping away the feathers that were obstructing my field of vision, before Iwas aware of it, a man was standing right beside me. He was neither tall norsmall, if I must describe him, he had a lean figure. However, he didn’t lookweak. Maybe it was the robe he was coiled in that was hiding his figure well. Withthe feeling I was looking at a magic trick, I just absentmindedly gazed at theman’s body. Seeing me like this, inside the swallow depths of the hood he waswearing, the man tilted his small neck and suddenly shrugged both shoulders tomake fun of me.
“You aren’t showing any astonishmentyou know?” he said with a small laugh.
“Let me introduce myself once again,princess. I’m Crow. … I don’t have afamily name.”
Callme as you see fit. His white smiling face that said that, was elegant andbeautiful. This figure was swaying inside the glistening moonlight which floodedin from the gap of the curtain that had been thrown open. When I instinctivelyscrutinized his radiant eyes, he deepened his smile all the more.
“So, what is the calamity that’shappening to you?”
Theslender fingertips he stretched out touched my cheek. His hand didn’t have anytemperature. As if it belonged to a corpse. When he saw me unconsciously s.h.i.+verwith a jump, he made a smile full of satisfaction.
“Is it the child who is inside yourarms?”
“Or is it that window affixed withirons bars?”
“Can it be that… it’s an incident even I cannot predict…?”
Hishairs which were of a deeper black color than Soleil’s were smoothly swaying onhis shoulder; his eyes of an even more profound dark color were staringintently at me. Gazing at those eyes that were reflecting me, I saw the idioticexpression I was making.
“… The color of your eyes hisdifferent than from the time you were a bird.”
WhenI unconsciously muttered that, the man laughed and raised a joyful anddelighted voice.
“… Say, princess. Shall I help you?”
Havingshortened the distance between us, the man, no, Crow, whispered this at abreath distance from my ears. Blended in his slow tone of voice was a wickedecho enticing to do evil deeds.
“… You, what is your intention?”
“We’ve reached this late in the gameand that’s what you’re enquiring about? Even though I said it earlier.”
Theexhalation he spit out when he laughed felt nice and cold. When I reflexivelydrew back, for an instant, Crow seemed to deepen his smile even more and saidbluntly:
“You see, I’m very, very bored…!”
“I’ve grew sick of this boringlife!”
“That’s why, helping you is fine.I’ll give you a special service free of charge?”
“What do you say, Iria?”
…… That was my encounter with him.
Strictlyspeaking, because he had been visiting my room since long before, I wonder ifit’s better to say that we became acquaintance that day. It was the first timehe appeared in his original form.
Hewas a being I didn’t encounter in my two previous lives.
It’snot sure whether he was a dream or an illusion. In the first place, no matterhow naturally we exchanged words on this occasion, chatting whit animals wasnot a normal situation. That’s why I think the me of my third life doubted ofhis existence until the very end.
However,since I keep repeating my life many times, I will come to know.
…… He was indeed real. He was certainly here, watching me.
*
*
"My lady, that, is it reallyalright?"
WhileI was looking at an history book in the archives of the mansion, a nervousvoice was raised behind me. When I turned back my head my escort was standingthere with a crease between his eyebrows. Reflecting the sunlight that was flowingin from the window, his blond hair looked a little like they were containingsome of that light. When I narrowed my eyes because of the dazzle, henonchalantly changed his position. He was truly an attentive man.
Iclosed the book and faced my escort.
“When you ask if it’s reallyalright, what are you talking about?” I asked while inclining my head.
“Today too, to visit Silvia-sama,Soleil-sama has…”
“Hehas arrived at the estate” were the words he hesitated but couldn’t bringhimself to say before he lowered his eyes.
“I know. I caught sight of him alittle earlier.”
That’sright. Before coming to the archives, I certainly saw Soleil walking back andforth with hesitation in front of Silvia’s room. He, who would never show awavering behavior in front of me, was indecisively roaming in circle hesitatingover whether or not entering the room of Silvia. Silvia’s maid who had probablyguided him here was silently making a very peculiar face.
Hedidn’t go greet his fiancé and went to visit her little sister. While I wasamazed by his lack of consideration, even then, I felt a bit envious of mylittle sister who could see him. This train of thoughts of mine was really notnormal. It seemed something was burn off. Despite me being so envious, when hewas just in front of me eyes, I couldn’t call out to him.
“… That’s exactly why I asked ifthings were alright this way.”
Hisvoice was calm, but it was mixed with irritation. I think it’s quite rare formy escort to express any frustration.
“It’s not alright you know. Not theslightest bit alright.”
“If so then why are you here lookingfor something like a book without saying anything…!”
“Something like a book you say, butbooks aren’t outrageous things.”
WhenI made a wry smile, at once he lowered his head without any honesty, saying“forgive me for my impoliteness” while making an expression that seemed to sayhe wasn’t sorry at all. And then, keeping his head lowered, he inquired with avoice whose impatience had grown stronger.
“My lady, is it truly fine to leavethings this way?”
“…Of course, it’s not.”
“Then…!”
Myescort who snapped and rose his head was now making a distorted expression likehe was about to cry. It’s really strange. Even though the most concerned personshould have been me, my tears have already dried up.
“Say, Al.”
“… Yes.”
“Have you seen the window in myroom?”
“… Yes…”
“The person who affixed that irongrids, it was father.”
“…”
“Ahah, of course you know that.”
Sincethe huge blunder that can be called an act of madness which I committed thatday, although I thoroughly acted like usual, I couldn’t deceive my parents.Quite the opposite, my parents completely didn’t believe me when I said I hadregain my sanity.
…… In fact, their fears were right. After all, even I couldn’t believe inmyself.
And so, when my father put thatgrid in place just in case I would jump down from the window, I felt relieved.Looking at those iron bars while standing beside Al who was making a bitterexpression, I breathed out a sight of relief. Even if they reminded me of thatjail I had been imprisoned into, I still thought it was better they werehere.
“However, my lady, you’re not thekind of person who would choose to end her own life.”
“Oh, that’s… I wonder. I’m not suremyself.”
“Whatever my lady thinks, that’s howyou are.”
Becausehe declared this unduly full of confidence, I unintentionally erupted inlaughter.
“…Lady.”
“Ahah, no, it’s fine. I’m sorry. Al,you’re a good person.”
“…”
Iwas scowled by Al who was making a dejected expression, yet I knew the gaze ofthis man would never show displeasure.
“… It’s not like father was worriedI would commit suicide you know.”
“… In others words…?”
“He did it so that I wouldn’t jumpfrom the window, so that I wouldn’t flee by any chance.”
“…That, what do you mean…?”
“Exactly what I just said.”
Alhad a puzzled expression and sank into silence, deep in thoughts.
“Hey, Al. If someone is born in an.o.ble house, moreover if the newborn is a girl, it’s commonplace for her to getmarried for the sake of politics. It’s the norm for any house.”
“…But,”
“Everybody marries while thinkingthat. It’s not just me, it’s the same for the others houses. I’m not the onlyone thinking like this. So, you’ve to come to some terms with yourself.”
“… Something you must force yourselfto come to terms with, is there one…?”
Suddenly,like he had made up his mind, Al put one of his knees on the ground and lookedup at me who was sitting on a chair.
“If you are confronted to painfulthings, you don’t have to endure them. I know how much time and efforts my ladyexpended to prepare for you marriage with Soleil-sama. You certainly have atleast the right to express the things you want to say.”
Hehad a gentle pair of eyes. Those sincere words stabbed my chest. But Iunderstood how utterly pointless it would be to speak my mind. No matter what Isay, no matter what I do, Soleil’s heart is already set on my little sister. Iknew that.
“… … My lady, haven’t you been doingit earnestly until now? You strictly restrained the women who approachedSoleil-sama by confronting them and explaining things clearly.”
I don’tthink it was the right method. But, no matter how you looked at it, the currentsituation is not like usual. He said that while creasing his eyebrows inbewilderment.
“Why on earth don’t you do that now?”
That’sright. Until that tea party, that’s what I had been doing. Regardless ofwhether they had a higher or lower social status, I hide behind the fact he wasmy fiancé to keep in check every woman without concerning myself with theirident.i.ties.
…… That’s why I failed.
“… I can’t act the way I have untilnow. Because the one who is approaching the other is Soleil-sama.”
“… That’s, indeed, it’s true…”
Inthis life, Soleil is unashamedly visiting my little sister without being afraidof what other people say. Since she was the frail sister of his fiancé, thepeople in his entourage pretended to agree to the official stance it wasn’tstrange for him to meet her and enquire about her health. The two previoustimes where they hid from the surroundings’ gazes and secretly exchanged theirfeelings seemed to be lies. The two of them who felt guilty feelings at thesimple act of exchanging gazes were nowhere to be seen.
Includingour parents who permit the two of them to repeatedly meet, it felt like thereis no one I know here.
Isn’tit like a distortion has been formed?
Mysecond life had seemed to retrace the path of my first life. In this currentlife, both Soleil and Silvia almost seem to act like two completely differentpersons.
…… No, they are two different persons, aren’t they? I wonder if this place is a totallydifferent world.
…If that’s the case.
Ifthat’s the case, then, why I’m still like this?
Ithought of all this while receiving the gaze of Al who was in front of me; his limpidgaze hadn’t changed from my previous lives. I wonder if this person is trulythe escort I knew. Even that, I wasn’t sure of it anymore.
Mylife until that tea party, almost had no discrepancies with the first life thatis so to speak only related to me. That is why I’m still here like this, havingfallen in love with Soleil. At the moment we met, I fell in love with him, tothe extent that my feelings were strengthen by each word and gaze we exchanged,despite them being so few.
Ithought about it many times. If, only if, I had my memories from the start. Iwonder if I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Soleil?
Evenif I were to fall in love, in order to let go of that feeling, to not fosterthat emotion, couldn’t I have lived while maintaining a moderate distance fromSoleil and Silvia?
Andthen, eventually.
Imight have come to love someone who wasn’t Soleil. Even if that love had broughtme painful moments sometimes, in the end I would have built a family and formeda married couple like how other imagine spouses should be. Such a thought pa.s.sedthrough my mind.
However,again and again, I fall in love without learning my lesson. That’s how it is. Becauseas long as I remain myself, I can’t stop myself from falling in love withSoleil. The original me who met him, was unaware of the destiny that wasawaiting me. Then, until that tea party where I introduce the two to eachother, I believe my love will be rewarded.
…… If my memories were to return, could I abandon my feelings? No, such a thingis certainly impossible.
BecauseI’m a human who remember everything. Because I’m a person who cannot forget theme who loved him. As my lives pills up, my feelings grow stronger. Emotions Icannot forget are acc.u.mulating inside this body.
Thefeelings of my previous self, and of the one before too, of the one now, evenif they have already become the past, I cannot forget them.