If this is the real end – 15
I received with resignation the shock that run along my cheek. My thoughts were in a haze, I couldn"t think of even one decent thing. When I raised my face blank in amazement, father was standing there with a grim expression. I understood I had been slapped, but even so, I wasn"t even feeling surprised. Confronted to this reality, my emotions couldn"t catch up.
*
Still hugging the body of mother who had ceased to breath, I continued to call out without stopping, and the first one to rush in the room was the steward. Then, after having lost his words for a second when confronted to the disaster inside the room, he called other people. His very loud voice made the air inside the dead silent room vibrate. It was the first time I saw the old steward who was always calm and collect, whose thoughts I could never guess, be shaken like this. But I, on the contrary, in such a situation, I was watching everything unfold as if I was an unconcerned stranger. I was strongly pressing down to stop the blood that was still flowing out in the meantime. The palms of my hands were laying on mother"s slender neck, yet the blood didn"t stop. From those hands, little by little her life was spilling out and I couldn"t hold it back.
There was no way to stop it. Mother"s breathing had already stopped, she surely will never open her eyes again. Then why, was there a need for her to lose even more blood?
G.o.d, G.o.d, G.o.d, why? Why?
When I reflexively looked down because an unpleasant feeling seized me, like something was crawling up to my knees, I noticed I was sitting in the middle of a pond of blood. From the tip of my fingers, from the tips of my toes, from the hem of my skirt, from my sleeves, everything seemed to have slowly been soaked and dyed by mother"s red. Soon, my body started to shaken and clatter, and my arms lost their strength. I had a feeling I said something, but I also felt like I was unable to utter the slightest word. It felt like I had been crying with a very loud voice, almost as if I would split open my throat. But I think that maybe, in reality I might have been completely unable to make a sound. Even though my arms and cloth dyed in red should be the proofs of the event that occurred earlier, everything was fuzzy. My blurred vision wouldn"t return to normal, it became the same sensation as if I was having a nightmare.
However, I remembered that someone had grasped my arms which were clinging to mother"s completely unmoving body.
She has already gone, said a gentle voice to persuade me. It is enough now, it is fine. Unable to understand the meaning of these words I shook my head and my shout echoed repeatedly, “She is not dead yet.”
… … No, that"s not it. The one who said that, might not have been me.
I was forcefully torn off mother, or possibly, I let myself be pulled away, and I tumbled on the carpet. I understood that the person who had seized me had not done that on purpose. I just could not stand up. You could say it wasn"t the time to take a pa.s.sive stance. When I scolded my shaking legs and stood up, I saw the chamberlain standing beside mother"s lying body. It was just like the figure of a holly knight surrounding the sleeping holy mother. This scene almost looked like he was guarding mother from me.
Then, I was driven out from the room.
In front of mother"s room, standing with an imposing stance, the steward was fulfilling his duty as the gatekeeper, preventing anyone from entering inside. No, maybe, he might have stand on guard against me who stood dead still in the corridor. I was told, You mustn"t move from that place, but to begin with, I didn"t have the energy and willpower to move and I staggered until my back rested on the wall. Because if I didn"t do that, I would have collapsed immediately. It might have been better if I could directly faint. My legs and hands were continuing to shake, my teeth clashed against each other and clattered, I was tormented my anxiety and loneliness, as if I had been thrown out to a frozen field during a blizzard. Each time I blinked, what I saw on the other side of this darkness that visit me, was the face of mother who had stopped breathing but was intensely staring at me. Then, inside my ears, I heard the sound of her respiration. Huff, like a huge inspiration taken before screaming something. Unconsciously, I strained my ears to listen carefully, wondering if she was about to tell me something. But, that was all. Staying like this, swallowing down everything, she stopped living.
“… Why, how come…? Why, this, why…?”
I wondered how much time pa.s.sed? My father who had apparently finished his work and come back pa.s.sed in front of me without stopping. Then, he entered inside mother"s room, and came out within a few minutes. When he had entered, a dignified servant had opened the door for him, but when he exited, he vigorously swung open the door himself. Then as soon as he saw me, he rose his right hand. He didn"t even ask for an explanation. He just hit me. From the start, my standing wasn"t particularly firm so my already slanted body was easily thrown on the hard floor. But I didn"t feel any pain or emotions at all. I tried to get up by prompting my body with my hands but my upper body couldn"t be lifted. As if they had coagulated, my joints only made a grinding and unreliable sound. My vision was blurred, not because tears were overflowing, but probably because mother"s spur of blood was stuck to my eyelids. I tried to touch and feel my face, but the sensation was different from usual. This strange sensation must have been the proof mother"s scattered blood had dried. reflexively, my hands closed tightly in a fist and rubbed my cheek. It doesn"t come off, it doesn"t come off, I cannot remove it. Mother"s blood was clinging, on my face.
“You. What did you do, what did you do to your mother?”
I thought I hadn"t hear this voice since quite a while. To the point I couldn"t remember when was the last time. That voice was accompanied by a nostalgic plaintiveness, a strange tone I heard for the first time. Even though my father had hit his daughter hard, he nevertheless wasn"t enraged. Or maybe, he was concealing his wrath, but on his face at least, there wasn"t the slightest hint of emotions; you couldn"t surmise what he was currently feeling. I began to feel an uncomfortable feeling on my cheek but I knew this person had held back. Although he had retired due to an injury, he was originally a person who amply demonstrated his ability to work as an imperial knight. If he had hit me with all his power, it surely would not have ended with only this. Did he hold back because I was his daughter, or simply because I was a member of the opposite s.e.x? I knew it was probably the latter. He wasn"t the kind of person to give me preferential treatment because I was his daughter. I had understood that, a long, long time ago.
“Nothing, I… didn"t do… anything.”
I barely managed to squeeze out these words, but even I, couldn"t remember clearly what I did until now. I didn"t even know if I had truly done nothing. If there was only one thing I was sure I had done, that would be having questioned mother. I only asked what on earth she had mixed inside Silvia"s tea. In the end, I didn"t even get her answer.
When she heard my question, I wondered what mother thought? She only uttered a few words deprived of meaning. Although I kind of heard an excuse, it also felt like the confession of her crime. Then, the conclusion of everything, became like that.
With a sharp pair of narrowed eyes, father looked at me as if trying to detect what emotions were inside me. Those eyes were… Right. They were similar to Soleil"s eyes when he condemned me, at the time my little sister was killed. I tried to open my mouth to explain, but the words wouldn"t come out. To begin with, I didn"t know from where I should explain. I was confused and discomposed, it seemed impossible for me to pretend to be calm again. Even though at this rate, I would be unable to prove my innocence. Even though I understood I was in a dangerous position. The words wouldn"t come to my mind. The present was overlapping with the time Soleil turned his back away from me. When my eyes unconsciously fell on the palm of my hands, I saw that my fingertips which should have lost all sensation were still shaking, just like that time. The sole difference was that those fingers, those palms, those wrists, were dyed in red. The liquid that had started to dry was entangled, binding my fingers together. As if it were the testimony of a sinner. That"s why I remembered the day my arms were tied together and I was thrown into a prison.
“…My hands, please, let me wash them.”
When these words reflexively slipped off, the sharpness of father"s eyes who was looking down on me, sat on the ground, increased. Once again, I had no other choice but to look as his fist swung down. The me who stayed unmoving, had probably given up at some point.
“Please wait, master!!”
Although someone spoke up, the voice was mixed with a frightened and panic tone. I knew that voice had saved me. When I looked up, Merge was standing there with a completely pale face. I wondered when she arrived here? Or did she arrive together with the steward when he rushed here? Her figure stood before me as if she had forced her way to stand between father and I. For a mere maid, to speak up without having been granted permission, was an act of disrespect. Moreover, in such an extraordinary situation, she should control her speech and conduct. If it had been the steward, who had received such a degree of authority, he wouldn"t be held responsible for such a fault. But, this steward was simply waiting in silence at the corner of the corridor. Precisely because he had the right to speak, he didn"t say anything. Because what was more important than anything was to respect the will of his master.
“…… What?”
Father lowered his raised hand and stared at Merge. I was sure he would be enraged and push Merge aside, but he only coerced her with cold eyes. If it had been a younger servant, with only this they would have started trembling, but his opponent was a senior maid. Even if her face lost some colors, she braced herself and her expression cleared up. She could deal with unexpected situations thanks to her abundant experience. That"s why she had been in charge of my education. Even if now, she was attached to Silvia.
“The young lady has, nothing to do in this.”
She spoke with a low voice that sounded like it was squeezed out from the depths of her throat, as if to suppress the trembling in her tone.
“Nothing to do you say?”
Releasing a freezing voice that was even lower, father argued back. Was he suppressing his anger? But his voice was accompanied with a tone of instability, as if he was on the verge of discharging all his wrath. When such a father took one step forward, Merge naturally shrunk down. With only that it was easy to see how disadvantaged Merge and I were. Whatever the truth, if father, the earl, were to decide here and now that I was guilty, it would become the truth. But, Merge once again, took one step forth. They confronted each other noise to noise.
“What did you see?”
When father"s low voice interrogated her, Merge answered frankly, “No, I have not seen anything.” Having received such an answer, father, probably wanting to cross-examine her, took a deep breath which resounded loudly. He was probably about to scream in an angry voice. However, not allowing him the occasion to do so, the senior maid loudly claimed with a strong spirit,
“The lady is not someone who would hurt others!”
To these unexpected words, my eyes opened wild. I was astonished there would be a person who would try to protect me, but it was also hard to believe it would be her. In the many lives I had repeated until now, she wasn"t a person who could be said to have been deeply involved with me. It was true she had been by my side in my childhood as my educator, but it hadn"t been an intimate relation. Even in this life it was the same. She was no longer my maid, she was serving Silvia. She wasn"t a family member, she wasn"t even a friend, I would even hesitate to call her an acquaintance, that"s all our relations.h.i.+p amounted to. And so, no matter how much she tried to protect me, I couldn"t simply feel relieved. Even if I believed her, I could easily imagine a future where I would be betrayed. And yet… … The trembling of my fingers, slightly decreased.
“…… Master, if I might be allowed to make an impertinent remark…”
“What is it?”
The one who made a follow up after hearing Merge"s words was the steward who had silently watched the situation unfold until now. Father also seemed to be willing to hear what he had to say.
“I think there might be a need to examine this situation in a more various… or should I say multifaced view.”
“…”
In other words, he was saying it was premature to make a conclusion here. However, the steward was certainly not trying to protect me. If he had wanted to do so, he would have surely spoken up earlier. So I understood he said those words for Merge"s sake. In a sense, you could say he was probably anxious for her who was opposing their master. If the steward was on her side, nothing bad should happen to her.
“The young lady seems to be greatly shaken, how about giving her a little bit of time?”
Hearing the words the steward added, father sank into silence. Then, he closed his eyes, his brow furrowed. Looking closely, the sleeve of father"s coat was black and dirty. It was probably mother"s blood. I wonder if that person also hugged mother? I suddenly thought. Did he grieve the departure of his beloved wife, or did he cried, straining his ears to listen to the heart that had nonetheless stop beating? I tried to imagine father"s reaction as I stared at his face which appeared younger than he really was, but I failed. Aside from the fact he had slapped me, for a person who had just lost his wife, even now he seemed far too composed. I thought so because I remembered well the reaction of Soleil when he heard Silvia had died in my first life. At that time, he made an expression that said he had been cut apart from any possible touch of delight or joy. As if it had happened yesterday, I still clearly remembered how just before my eyes, his eyes had seemed to sink at the bottom of the abyss and were dyed in hatred. That"s why I clearly saw the difference between father and Soleil. My father hadn"t fallen into despair yet.
At that moment, in the corridor that had become silent, the footstep of several people as well as metallic sounds resounded. When I turned toward it, father"s escort and Al were rus.h.i.+ng toward us with faces that had changed colors. As I watched my escort whose face had paled, I naturally met his eyes. He had yet to grasp the situation and with his eyes opened wide in shock, he seemed to want to say something. But in a second, his lips closed off. I understood he had swallowed back his words. He couldn"t foolishly ask me what happened in this place where father was too. “… Master.” Father"s escort quietly called out to him. I watched attentively as he whispered something into father"s ears. It"s probably an urgent matter. The complexion of father changed. “I see, I understand,” he nodded, then he told something to the steward. I didn"t know exactly what, but it seemed that something related to the work that was about to be finished happened. My escort had also probably been helping with father"s work these last few hours. It wasn"t necessary a special occurrence, rather it should have been a situation no different than usual.
In these last few hours, every single thing had changed. I could no longer return to my original place.
“… … You will return to your room.”
Eventually, father who had to go back to work announced this to me. Then he immediately turned around and walked away. As I watched over his distancing silhouette, unable to answer, father looked over his shoulder and called, “Al.” My escort was still loitering in the corridor, looking at me. “…Al!” Getting impatient, father summoned my escort with a strong tone. He was already far ahead.
“Go, Al”
“My lady,”
“You have to go.”
“But,”
“I am fine so leave!”
After raising my tone, my unreliable voice shook as I added, please. I bit on my trembling lips. I didn"t have any solemnity. But, staying here in this place like this wouldn"t lead to a good result for him. I didn"t know if Al had understood the situation, but he shouldn"t know about mother yet. Even if he heard that something happened in the estate, I didn"t think he was told the mistress of the house had severed her own life. He only knew that I was here, smeared in blood. However, because we hadn"t called the doctor to examine me, he should have noticed I wasn"t hurt. Even if there were only a few people, not only Al, everyone would understand it was impossible they would leave alone the daughter of the earl if she was injured. And so, he should have understood something strange occurred. Al was staring at my face, hesitating for a short while. Then he attempted to say something several times. So, in response to this, I shook my head repeatedly. What he wanted to say, I didn"t know how other would interpret it. It would probably not be a good thing for us. I was sure it would inevitably turn for the worse from all the experience I had acc.u.mulated so far. When I once again told him “Go,” I didn"t know if he finally took my intention into consideration, but he turned away, looking as if he was trying to shake off something.
I strongly clenched my hands, praying it wouldn"t be the last time I saw him. Even though I knew my wish never come true, I still couldn"t help but pray.
*
“My lady, let"s prepare a hot bath.”
Having to wait in my room until I got permission to leave was, in fact, the same as being under house arrest. The one who supported me on her shoulder and accompanied me back was Merge. Still wearing the dress soaked in blood, I stared at my fingers whose shaking had lessen. Mother"s blood had even gotten under my nails. Before me, who remained petrified in front of the closed door, stood the senior maid. Somehow, there had been instructions to only leave her with me inside the room.
“…Merge, I am grateful to you, truly…”
Continuing to gaze at my fingers, when I called her with a voice still half-filled with amazement, I caught sight of her hands in my field of vision. I rose my head when she suddenly clasped my hands in hers and called out,
“Lady.”
She called out to me with a tormented expression. From the day we met, I wondered how many months and years have pa.s.sed. Before I noticed, she grew old and thin wrinkles were etched in her face. But it didn"t reduce her charm. The laughing wrinkles at the corner of her eyes and mouth made it clear how pleasant these years had been for her.
“I did not do anything worthily of such praises. I only said the truth.”
My fingers grasped with such force and firmness hurt. Sensations came back to these hands that had almost been paralyzed. My skin that had grew cold felt her comfortable warmth.
“Moreover,”
When I looked up at her who was a bit taller than me, the shadow of her eyelash that felt on her cheek s.h.i.+vered.
“I have a message, from the mistress.”
Merge paused here to inhale a deep breath and gulps down her saliva. Her exhaled breath made my bang shake.
“… A message?”
The reason both of our voices sounded so secretive, was only because we understood by instinct that no one must hear this story. Her unusually serious atmosphere also encouraged it. The maid of my little sister grasped my hand sullied by blood without hesitation. Despite our connected hands, the two of us originally didn"t have such a close relations.h.i.+p. In this room where nothing was different from usual, only her and my existence differed.
“No, but first, we have to wash away the blood…”
I chased after Merge"s fingers who abruptly separated our hands and grasped her wrists. Because I felt everything would remain unsettled otherwise. Moreover, if I let that moment run away, there might not be another occasion to be alone together. I was sure that outside the door, someone was already standing guard. She had come all the way up to this point, but if she were to leave the room once, I didn"t know if she would be able to come back.
“What were you told? From mother, what did she say?”
“…”
My bloodstained dress seemed to cling to my body. If someone else had been here, they would surely find my queer appearance strange. But I didn"t have the spare time to keep up appearance. Merge averted her gaze from my face and whispered without strength, “I am sorry, I cannot help you.” Although the faint sound of the rustling of clothes echoed in the silent room, her hoa.r.s.e voice on the other hand sounded like it would disappear. I didn"t understand what she was apologizing for, and in the first place she hadn"t answer my questions.
“If something were to happen to the madam, I was asked to hand this over.”
Suddenly, she loosened up her collar and slipped her finger inside it. “Madam instructed me to not let anyone else know about it and to always hide the fact I was carrying it. She also said if the time to hand it over where to come, I would surely know to whom I should give it to…” I wondered how long she had been carrying this, but from her chest she took out an envelope. She surely hadn"t treated it roughly but it was a bit wrinkled.
“Now, I understand that I was supposed to hand it over to you, my lady.”
Merge declared this and put the envelope in my hands. The white paper terribly stood out against my hands sullied in red. I didn"t understand mother"s intention for entrusting this letter to Merge. But she seemed to have foreseen such a day would come. No, rather, she might have prepared thoroughly, waiting for the day she would severe her own life. “But I do not know its contents. I have naturally not seen what is written.” I didn"t think the words she had declared were a lie. I didn"t believe her but, I knew she wasn"t that kind of person. She was the capable maid mother had chosen, and for this reason Merge wouldn"t betray her.
“…… Is this her will?”
When I clenched it between my hands, it felt warmth. I knew it was Merge"s body temperature that had moved on it. But I also tried to find mother"s existence on it. … I ended up trying to…
“I do not know” said Merge as she shook her head a little. “I was entrusted with this letter a long time ago… so I do not know what were the intentions behind it.” But this letter she had received so long ago, she had always carried it with her, taking great care of it. “I will make the preparations for the bath,” she declared as her back was facing me, and her shoulders slightly shook.
Nocta"s thoughts:
I know, I know, it"s a cliffhanger, everyone wants to quickly read the next chapter (me included). But it"s a monster. A 10K monster. Let"s say I"ll do it for next Sunday. If I can finish early, all great. If I take one day break, no one will be disappointed. Not happy? Learn j.a.panese! Mwawawawa
Anyway, look at Merge! That was surprising right? And the father, I can"t say he is disappointing, it"s not like we had any hope in him from the beginning. He just keeps becoming more and more of a sc.u.m.