7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 7
“... Disappear! Disappear! Disappear disappear disappear! Be gone! Be gone!”
When I saw her screaming while crying, I finally realized. That I was terribly mistaken. I believed that no matter how much she had rejected me at first, eventually she would accept my existence. And I had hoped that one day, we"ll become able to reach a mutual understanding even without using words. I was convinced that there were such bonds between us who had been together since childhood.
But in the end, it was only my conceited a.s.sumption. Emma always continued to deny my existence.
The fact I remained by her side despite this was probably due to pure obstinacy. It"ll be alright, surely, it"ll be fine. She will eventually accept me. I encouraged myself with these self-persuading words. I stayed in her field of vision as much as possible, and from time to time I tried to reach out to her. I knew I couldn"t touch her, but I still did it. I thought that maybe, she would do the same and extend her hand toward me. Then one day, when I reached out to her for the nth time, she, who had continued to ignore me until now, suddenly started to scream.
She faced me and yelled, “Disappear!” She repeated it until her voice withered, many times over and over. The woman who continued to scream with a rather atrocious expression, definitively hated me. To the point I thought her ferocious glare would smash me into pieces.
Then, since that one time, she never again looked at me. Not even a once. But even if she pretended not to see me, I still put up with it. Even thought I had lost my body long ago, once again, I seemed to fade away starting from my fingertips. Actually, it was as good as if I didn"t exist. Maybe I just saw a dream, I thought as my lips perked up. ... somehow, I started to smile helplessly.
And so, when at last she sold the estate she had lived in together with me, I didn"t even feel disappointed. In the first place I already knew she had made arrangements to sell it off, so I wasn"t even surprised. I just felt once again that, she was truly letting go of our memories together.
She sold the house and got on a carriage without bringing with her even one thing from our home, never turning back even once. She firmly stared ahead of her, not even casting a regretful gaze back. From her appearance, I could perceive her strong will of starting a new life. She looked too calm, even somewhat indifferent. Seeing that woman I didn"t know made me think of the many years and months that had gone by before I realized. All this time, she had “properly” led a life without me.
That"s why, when after that Emma started to live with the man I didn"t know, I couldn"t take it. To begin with, I didn"t even now where they had met.
Unbeknown to me, my wife spent her time with people I didn"t know.
A long time ago, she had looked at me with sparkling eyes when I said I wanted to live quietly together without servants and build the foundation of our family life. This ephemeral dream had disappeared without being realized... or it should have. She had realized it with another man.
And from here on, surely, Emma will survive to this life without me.
Between her and “him,” there certainly were some bonds, it felt like no one could get between them. Even if she pretended not to see me, my existence seemed to fan her anxiousness, and from time to time, Emma made an uneasy expression like those of a child. When she became like this, he would gently hug her. The two of them seemed to be deepening their bonds every minute, every second. Seeing him spreading his arms as if to say he treasured Emma, I realized there was nothing I could do.
I could clearly visualize the future where one day, they"ll become husband and wife, have children, raise them, build their family. That"s why, I realized I was reduced to an unneeded existence.
Then, I steeled my resolve to distance myself from Emma.
...... Like she had wished, I disappeared from her sight.
In my mind I could picture her relieved face as I ceased to appear. Her grey eyes must have shaken with relief, then she heaved a little sigh. Last, she would say something like, I"m glad it disappeared. And so, I irrepressibly wanted to cry, but not a single tear could spill out of my eyes. I wanted to shout, but I couldn"t emit a sound.
With my light body devoid of substance, first, I left the country.
Only once, I tried to visit the doctor who had casted the spell on me, but his clinic had already become completely vacant. I heard some rumors saying that apparently, he had been afflicted with a serious illness since several years before. Maybe, he had even already pa.s.sed away. He, who exhausted all his efforts to cast this spell for me.
I couldn"t even say a few words of farewell to him.
*
*
Then, I went here and there, spending an absurdly long time all on my own. Because my body didn"t have any substance, I didn"t need to prepare a dwelling somewhere nor did I need living expenses. Since I didn"t need to eat either, I truly only wandered around. I visited several countries, loitered around many towns, pa.s.sed by many people. Among them, there were some who showed a reaction after seeing me. But they all made the same face as someone who had seen a ghost. Some people straightforwardly called me a ghost, so in short, it seemed that I didn"t appear visibly in anyone"s eyes. Had the doctor"s spell failed? Or was it supposed to be that kind of magic in the first place? There was no way to find answers to these questions, and before I noticed I stopped caring. That"s how little my existence registered in people"s eyes.
As the years pa.s.sed, the people who could “see” me decreased.
Putting it simply, it showed that the number of people who had magic power diminished. People like me or my father who have a huge amount of magical power became scarce. Before I noticed, the occupation “magician” became obsolete. But that being said, it wasn"t like it completely ceased to exist. It continued to exist as a profession, but became something extremely restricted and reserved for a few special persons.
Eventually, will people completely become unable to see me? When was it again that, while my mind was being dominated by this thought similar to a feeling of resignation, at the same time I became to be driven by a sense of nostalgia. The memories of my childhood replayed in my mind. It was the days I spent with Emma. I could no longer remember father"s face, even the color of the curtains in the mansion I was born and raised was very vague. Yet, I still remembered the dignified appearance of the flowers she decorated the mansion with, even though I didn"t know their name.
I wanted to see her. I couldn"t help it. I might be rejected again or maybe, she will not see me anymore. Still, I irrepressibly wanted to see her face. I wanted to call out to her.
One word. One word would be enough, but there was something I wanted to tell her. I couldn"t speak, so naturally it won"t be transmitted to her. Nevertheless, there was something I wanted to say.
“...Ah, you came...”
I rode upon the wind and flew off. Then, the place I finally arrived to, was the house where she was supposed to be living with “him.” It was still the case, she was still living here. Seeing this, my heart welled up with all kind of emotions I couldn"t describe. The house looked much older than at that time, and even though I didn"t have any sense of smell, I smelled the odor of “a family.” In other words, it was the proof they have lived there. When I walked around the house to observe it, I noticed that one of the several rooms seemed to belonged to a child, but it had already fulfilled its role. I could see traces of toys that had been abandoned in one corner or a collection of fairy-tales on the bookshelves which seemed to have been used for a long time. Rather than loneliness, the quiet room evoked a feeling of serenity. The whole house felt like a place where an elderly couple was comfortably living.
She was in the bedroom.
She was napping leisurely on the wide bed. Maybe “he” went out to buy some groceries, but anyway, she was alone. When I stood by the bedside and looked down at her, she opened her eyes. In her wrinkled face, a small light was s.h.i.+ning in her shrunken eyes. It was my beloved ashes colored eyes. Something looking like medicine was placed on the table by the bedside. She seemed to be suffering from some kind of illness. ......I wonder if it"s a serious illness? When I was a.s.sailed by uneasiness and felt in a daze, she gently smiled.
“Rya. Where have you been?”
For a second, hearing her asking me this so naturally, I was confused. I knew trying to talk to her was meaningless, yet her name crossed my lips.
“Emma.”
When I did that, she smiled with a joy that came from the bottom of her heart. Then, she told me, “Welcome back.”
“There is something I wanted to tell you, no matter what. So, I prayed to G.o.d. That you"d be brought to me. I thought you might not make in time. But my wish was granted,” she said as she extended her hand toward me.
Even though I couldn"t grasp her hand, I took a step forth and shortened the distance between us. Our hands that were unable to touch loitered in the air. Yet, she didn"t care. Acting as if our hands were actually touching, she gently curled up her fingers around mine.
“Hey, do you remember? The day we got married... Because having a wedding ceremony didn"t suit us, we held a little party in the garden of the estate.”
Looking at her slender eyes I dearly missed, I simply nodded. Seeing this, she heaved a seemingly satisfied sigh and continued. That day, the weather was certainly great. I remember how blue the sky was, as if someone had hanged a light blue curtain of silk above us. At that moment, for the first time I learnt how pleasant an early spring sky felt, and I laughed. We hadn"t invited many guests. There were the few friends we made when we went to the academy and several aristocrats we socialized with in the high society. Since they weren"t very high ranked n.o.bles, we weren"t forced to be overly careful of every little detail. And so, we simply had lunch together and I think we managed to spent a really good time.
I can say with confidence that no matter which moment of that day you"d pick, I enjoyed them all.
“That"s right. That day, we received a strange gift.”
Emma narrowed her eyes and looked into the distance. A friend of our school days gave a little box to Emma.
“Inside, there was an ebony bird.... Yes, a black bird.”
In the country where he grew up, black birds were said to bring misfortune. Yet, many people chose to offer it as a gift in wedding ceremonies. Because handing over a black bird at someone"s wedding held a different signification. In the past, people gave a cage with a real bird inside, but black bird had become extinct, so at some point it was replaced by a decoration.
“By inviting a little misfortune over, you can ward off a bigger one. You told me that"s the meaning it had. ... Ah ah, even though you were so disinterested in that sort of thing. Where did you even hear that from?”
I didn"t hear it from someone, I looked it up myself. A normal wedding ceremony, what was it supposed to be like? Emma had also said she wanted to experience that “normality,” so I rummaged through books. Now that I thought back on it, rather than investing it, I should have asked someone. It would have been a lot easier this way, but at that time I felt that doing the research myself had a meaning. Doing something for her sake made me happy. It was merely for my self-satisfaction.
“The customs in this country have changed, haven"t they?”
Once again, Emma slightly smiled.
“Then, nothing unfortunate ever happened. I was even happier than before we got married. There wasn"t a single sorrowful thing... ... That"s why... you see, when I lost you...”
She seemed to be suffering as she heaved a sigh. With the hand that wasn"t extended toward me, she pressed down on her chest atop her clothes.
“Hey, Rya.”
Her head still laying on the pillow, she looked straight at me. When I stared at her face, I saw my reflection inside her eyes. With that strong gaze, she looked in my direction.
“In the place I was born, black birds, were said to bring both good and bad luck at the same time.”
One day suddenly, a black bird appears at the window. Then it"ll speak in human language, and people say it"ll ask you one question. To the person who answer correctly, it"ll bring happiness. To those who don"t, it"ll bring misfortune. She narrated such a story.
“Rya. Do you remember what happened when you picked me up? You asked me something.”
“...”
“You asked, do you want to live together from now on?”
To this, I said yes. ... Surely, it was the right answer.
Emma whispered this as a lone tear dropped off her eyes.
“...Rya. My black bird.”
“You brought me such happiness.”
Then, she closed her eyes.
“I, was happy. ... After losing you, I thought I could no longer live. But because you had brought me such happiness.... the joy you gave me never left me, it always, always stayed by my side.”
“Emma”
“That"s why, that"s why... I"m sorry.”
“Emma”
“I, was happy. Even after losing you, I could live and be happy.”
“I became a wife, I became a mother, gained a family, I wasn"t alone. ... This life without you, I live it happily. I"m sorry, Rya.”
“I, was very, very happy.......”
Her eyelids opened once more and her moist eyes looked toward me, as if they were peering into my face. She blinked several times, then once again, she quietly closed her eyes. It looked like silence and stillness were engraved on her face. Her expression couldn"t possibly look gentler and calmer. It seemed to show how happy a life she had led.
I was happy, so happy, that I have no regret left. I"m satisfied with this, even if my life ends now, I have no regret, was what her little, faint breaths seemed to be telling. Her breathing, stopped.
I looked down at her, standing still, unable to react. I could only watch. Even though it was the person I so, so wanted to meet all these years. I started to regret having come here. Even though, by chance, I could witness the last moment of my beloved person. Even though I could spend time together with her. All this, almost looked like a nightmare to me.
“...... I was lonely.”
She could no longer hear me, but I still suppressed my voice by putting both hands on my mouth. I felt like I was about to confess a sin. The thing I desperately wanted to tell her was... Even if I live alone, there was no meaning. Eve now, I still dearly treasured Emma. Yet, I couldn"t convey a single thing I wanted to tell her.
“I was, terribly, lonely.”
I never imagined a life without Emma. I thought being by her side was the most natural thing, living together was a matter of course. I often remembered the time I was thinking like this.
Then, when I thought of the happy life I couldn"t get, I came to detest everything and anything, wondering why it became like this. Although I couldn"t do anything, I wanted to do something. But, I didn"t have any way to.
“A life without you was pointless. Without you, I, wasn"t happy.”
She must have felt guilty for living happily even without me. She surely wanted to ask for my forgiveness. Yet, I couldn"t give her any words of comfort. I was disappointed with the part of myself who somehow wished she had been the same as me. I wanted her to say she was lonely without me. That she couldn"t become happy if I wasn"t here.
I have never wished for her unhappiness. Still, I couldn"t tell her I was glad she was happy. ... ... No matter what, I couldn"t.
“Emma.”
“Don"t go.”
“Don"t go.”
Don"t leave me and go.
Nocta"s apology:
Sorry, it"s a week late. I underestimate one of my exams. Then several friends I hadn"t seen for a long time decided to all come at the same time. So I"m not sure next chapter"s gonna be on time or not. ^^
As for this chapter, it was... sad, as expected. Now, what will happen to our lonely Rya? Will he soon meet Ilya at least? See you soon