7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 12
Again.
Again, I let her die alone. It was an accident so it couldn"t be help? No, this is certainly not the case. If I had gone with her, I"m sure I could have saved her. Or, was it still inevitable even if I had been by her side? Even if I thought hard about it, I didn"t find any answer. Because she was already dead.
This incident was more than enough to plunge me into despair. I cried and shouted, scratching off my whole body with my nails, writhing in the pain and agony that a.s.sailed me. Everything before me turned dark, all the sounds disappeared from the world, both my heart and my body crumbled in pieces. Yes. It was exactly this kind of feeling. But that didn"t mean I could allow myself to easily fell into despair. It"s difficult to get back to your feet once you have fallen into self-abandonment. I was well aware of this. I desperately held on my mind that had plunged into darkness and could break down at any moment. For the sake of saving Ilya, I couldn"t allow myself to go mad.
I will go to another world, I have to search for Ilya. Then, this time, I have to save her, definitively.
What am I saying at this late hour? I scornfully laughed at myself. I deliberated on what I should do if I met her by chance in the next world. In that sense, I might have gone a bit crazy in the head. Because even though I already knew you couldn"t start your life anew, I still couldn"t stop myself. Sparing no time for mourning, screaming and being stricken with grief, I proceeded with the preparations to fly into the next world. I spent all my time on increasing my magic power. I felt vague fears regarding my own behavior. Originally, I should lament over Ilya"s death, drown in sorrow and it wouldn"t be strange if I was overwhelmed by my emotions. Yet, on the contrary, I had set new objectives and was pus.h.i.+ng ahead with them. Looking at it positively, I was moving forward, but on the other hand, it felt like I was heartless and cruel.
However. No matter how I"ll look in other people"s eyes, I have to cross world once more.
**
After her death, I carefully investigated about the person called “Ilya,” from various points of view, starting with her environment and family background, until her relations and her position as a n.o.ble. I also included information about Soleil and Silvia, trying to understand why she was so attached to her position as his fiancé, why she was trying to protect her sister. I tried to scrutinized everything. The unknown details were overwhelmingly more numerous, but there were also many things I discovered, as well as things I already knew. That"s why, I thought I could fare better when I"ll meet Ilya in the next world. And yet...
Things didn"t work out as planned.
I foolishly thought that, if I crossed over world, I would be able to redo everything starting from my encounter with Ilya. It was sheer stupidity. .... ..... The moment I arrived in the next world, something felt out of place. First, I noticed I wasn"t in the body of a bird nor was I flying in the sky. I also couldn"t hear the singing voice I should have heard. A dry wind made the hem of the black coat I was always wearing fluttered while a cloud of sand danced in the air. As I surveyed my surroundings with narrowed eyes due to the dust that was trying to rob me of my vision, the pebbles at my feet made noises. Whether I looked at my right or left, all I saw was sand, sand, sand. No plant was growing here, and I couldn"t see any living creatures either. Only a cloudless blue sky.
“It"s different from before.”
Inside my head, such words echoed. Next, I wondered “why.” But, n.o.body gave me an answer. In the end, I roamed about this world of sand for many days. Then, I finally drifted to some country. But at that time, I realized this world I had transferred to was different from the “previous” one.
“In this world,” there was no Ilya.
No, rather than saying she was absent, she hadn"t existed in the first place. I arrived in this world at a time Ilya wasn"t alive. But I couldn"t quite understand that. To think Ilya wouldn"t even exist........ such a thing wasn"t possible. That"s what I thought.
That"s why I hesitated to go to another world. If by any chance, Ilya was somewhere in “this world.” Then she might be struggling, suffering, wis.h.i.+ng for someone to help her. In that case, who else but me could reach out to her?
That"s why I searched around the world. Even in a world without her, I still continued to look for her. I knew all too well I was needlessly wasting time. Yet, I couldn"t give up.
I might have already deviated from the right track. For example, it was like I was searching for a dead person. Like someone who believed in ghost and recklessly chased after it. It was the same as continuing to search for something uncertain that the eyes couldn"t see. I actually knew she was not here, yet for years....... or maybe dozens of years, I kept looking for her. When was it again, that I finally lost hope and gave up? Though I did it with painful reluctance, I shook free from everything and once again crossed over worlds.
However, my hope of “I"ll succeed this time,” was once again, quickly and easily betrayed. In other words, like in the previous world, Ilya wasn"t here. This time was not a different era, but it was simply a world where “only her” didn"t exist.
Both Silvia and Soleil, and also their parents existed. As well as the familiar maids and chamberlains. Yet, only Ilya wasn"t here. I explored everywhere, but I didn"t find any proofs she had been born in this world. In short, she hadn"t even stay in her mother"s womb.
Was that possible?
I didn"t know the reasons behind it and I felt like I would start screaming at any time. If I were to shout, Enough give me a d.a.m.ned break! writhe and curse the whole world then maybe I might feel a bit refreshed. But at the same time, it was the frustration brought forth by these negative emotions, suffering, grief and wrath, that spurred me on, and I ended up thinking it was fine like this, that I no longer cared. Even the time where I was convinced I had plenty of time to spare was now far away.
......... I must fly to the next world. Quickly, I must hurry, I have to.
Since who knew when, in the depth of my ears, Ilya"s sobbing voice echoed. She was crying and whispering she couldn"t stand the pain. Now was no longer the time to stay stucked in only one world. Not even sparing time to regret, I went around several worlds. Then, at long last......... I found her.
But starting this story from the conclusion, I couldn"t do anything for her. Because she was already dying.
She was in a room in a certain brothel. She was in a state where she was simply waiting for death. Lying on an old bed while she kept coughing violently, she had completely withered away, it seemed like her consciousness was also hazy. She spent most of her time sleeping, wavering between dream and reality, maybe to escape from the pain and suffering. However, it seemed there have been occasions where customers came, which made me think that human beings could really be trash. I felt nauseated at these creatures who could oversee the state of their partner and only care about satisfying their l.u.s.t.
In such an environment, she was being exploited. Having lost her energy to live, it seemed she wasn"t even seeking salvation.
“Ilya, is there anything you want?”
I gently wiped her dry lips with a wet towel. I was currently her caretaker. She was laying on the bed, gazing at my face absentmindedly. Then she shook her head a little and a sigh leaked from her mouth, so faint I wouldn"t have heard it if I hadn"t strained my ears. She was dozing off, but I thought her complexion looked slightly better than usual today. Thinking of letting her fall asleep like this, I silently moved back.
When I did so, she suddenly whispered, “....I"ll be fine.... as long as.... you"re here.....”
It was an enchanting voice. How happy would I have been if these words had been for me. But, that wasn"t the case. I reflexively stayed quiet, because I knew she would add something else.
“..... Soleil-sama.”
There was no doubt that, when a person called the name of their loved one, they were wrapped up in a feeling of bliss. Because you see, this was precisely the expression she was making right now. The voice that scattered from her thin lips seemed to evaporate in the distance, as if the words rolled off somewhere. Her fragmented words were fleeting like a bead of gla.s.s. Although s.h.i.+nning, they concealed the sharpness of a knife within them. If I could pick up her heartrending words with my fingers, I would keep them hidden somewhere. So that Ilya wouldn"t see them. So that Ilya wouldn"t be found. How great would it be if I could do something I hadn"t been asked to do? I thought it was painful.
Simply, painful.
“..... I, have been looking for you. Always, all this time, I"ve been searching for you.... But, you weren"t anywhere.”
Ilya who had fallen asleep should not be able to hear my voice. Yet, unable to tear off my gaze from her skinny face, I talked to her.
“In a world without you, I, searched for you......”
So I couldn"t say anything back if asked what happened. In this small room cut from the outside world. Even while afflicted with sickness, in her dream it was “him” who appeared. There was no need to even think about who Ilya was waiting for here. Yet, the middle of my chest hurt. My face was unsightly crooked, as if it was tightened from the inside. It felt like I would burst in tears at any moment.
“Even though I found you.... even though I finally found you, but, you are not here...”
“.... Where are you.....?”
The Ilya I knew, the Ilya who knew me, took her own life long, long ago. I remembered the feel of the cloth wrapped around her tender neck. The bedsheets were thinly ripped, looking so brittle they seemed they would get torn. I understood she made her preparation to die in a hurry. She had always been thoroughly prepared. At that time only, she had been in a hurry.
Because she absolutely no longer wanted to live.
To save such a girl, I traveled to several world and kept looking for her. However, I understood it long ago. The one who needed salvation, wasn"t Ilya, but me. I wanted to somehow save myself, who had let Ilya die at that time.
What would Ilya say if she knew about this? Would she be disappointed? I would like to know, but that was meaningless because she knew nothing about me.
When I transferred from the previous world, for some reason I landed near this brothel. At first, I was quite stupefied and had no idea what it meant. But I felt like I was called by someone and decided to creep in for now. In the shape of a bird I could avoid people"s eyes. Flying around the brothel that couldn"t be described as wide, I eventually discovered Ilya"s room. As soon as I saw her figure sprang on the bed fast asleep, I turned into my human shape because of an incorrigible expectation. The expectation that, the girl who suddenly awoke because of the noise, would say my name.
Please, I beg you, know who I am. I longingly stared at her with this desperate desire.
However, what appeared in her beautiful light green eyes, was a twinkle of fear. Next, Ilya"s mouth opened wide like a hole appearing in the sky, and she started to scream as if convulsing. Then, she shook her head, yelling “I don"t want to anymore,” trying to run a way by dragging down her sick and emaciated body. Even when I reflexively reached out my hand, she vigorously shook me off. When I connected together the words mixed between her sobs, I realized I had been confused with a customer. So I took the appearance of a young boy to prove it to her. That I wasn"t a customer. That I was Crow.
I"m Crow. Your Crow.
I kept repeating it earnestly over and over again, like a spell. However, she couldn"t understand. That Crow was my name. Was it because she was deranged or because of her illness? Or maybe, the thing moving “this world” was interfering. Anyway.
Even when asleep, she called the name of a person who wasn"t here. Even though I was right before her, she didn"t say my name. Not even once.
I went around many worlds and finally reached this place at long last. And yet, it was almost like I wasn"t at my place being here.
“Soleil-sama...”
In this bedroom similar to a cave that wasn"t even lit well, Ilya"s voice echoed. It was a helpless voice like the one of a young child. It sounded as if she had nothing else to rely on. Although the person who had unmistakably corned her to this extent was him, still, until the very end, she kept calling his name. As if she knew nothing but this name. She was like a fool. Besides, it was too stupid.
“Ilya. It"s alright. I"m at your side. It"s fine, because I"m right there....”
.... Yes, it was thoroughly overly stupid of me. Ah, yes. I knew. In truth, it was stupid. The one who was miserable, the one who was sad, the one who was lonely, wasn"t Ilya, but me. In this world, the only person who wasn"t needed by anyone was me. “Ilya,” Noticing my voice was shaking, I stopped speaking. That girl who was breathing softly, I told myself to not disturb her rest.
When I closed my eyes, the corners of my eyes became wet.
I wanted to cry. But I couldn"t. I mustn"t cry, it wasn"t allowed. Because in the past, the one who killed her was me. The origin of everything went back to her dying that day. So it"s wrong to say I was lonely because of this girl who kept calling Soleil"s name even now. It"s wrong, and yet...
“I"m lonely...”
My throat trembled. I gently touched Ilya"s fingertips, that were so thin they seemed they would break up at the sightless touch. Even though I was this close to her, she was so very far away.
We should have definitively been in the same world, yet we were living in different worlds.
“.............. M-my lady......!!”
While taking care of Ilya, I looked for the man who had worked as her escort knight, simply because I wanted to let them reunite. He was the only person I could seriously entrust her life to. That"s why I wanted to make them meet. I wasn"t sure what kind of feelings there were between them but, I knew that sometimes, a deep affection could even surpa.s.s feelings of love.
Besides, it seemed this girl who was going to die, truly wanted to see a certain person......... That"s why I thought a person connected to Soleil was absolutely needed. That man must have become a marquis by now. She might be a former n.o.ble, but a person who had fallen as low as being a prost.i.tute wasn"t someone who could meet him so easily and so quickly.
As I suddenly arrived right in front of this brothel when I came from the previous world, I didn"t have any information regarding the geography of this place, so finding Ilya"s parents" home wasn"t easy at all. But I could turn into a bird, so I made the best use of this special characteristic of mine. From the sky, I identified the area where n.o.bles seemed to be living. It didn"t take me long after that. It was easy to grasp the whereabouts of that blond man who seemed to have built up his reputation as a knight. I let him know Ilya"s location. Of course, I didn"t speak. I twined Ilya"s hair around my ankle and in the shape of a bird, I flew above his head.
Even though Ilya"s hair were thin and discolored because of her lack of nutrition, that man seemed to have immediately guessed who they belonged to. As I kept hovering and turning in circles above him, he chased after me without harboring the slightest doubt. I had thought it would be like this, but the figure of that knight who was running after me with a desperate look was far from the image of a gentleman, to say the least. That was reflecting with how much anxiety and hope he had waited for a clue about her.
He looked much more older than the him I knew. It could be inferred that he had been through considerable hards.h.i.+ps since his master had eloped. Yet, the last glimmer of light that remained in his eyes told me he hadn"t lost all hope.
Because even know, he was still devoting all his heart to the master he had chosen.
That"s what I felt. And for this exact reason, I made up my mind.
I"ll let you do it. I"ll let you, take her, home. To his side.
I"ll let her go home.
“Aaah! Aaah! Oh G.o.d......! Oh G.o.d......!”
His scream made me return to my sense. I hold on my breath.... or rather, I stood in a corner, erasing my presence, as I watched him raise Ilya in his arms. He wrapped a soiled bedsheet around Ilya"s overly withered body. Because of this, from where I was standing, I couldn"t peep at Ilya"s face and see what kind of expression she was making. However...
“A...l...?”
Her voice echoed in the room. The knight kept nodding and I heard him reply he had come pick her up. By that time, they were already leaving. I could only watch them. But the moment the knight holding Ilya in his arms was about to exit the room, a corner of the sheet gently fell and her head appeared. It felt like our eyes met.
That"s why, I whispered without voicing the words out loud,
...... Good for you, right?
I said so because I really thought it was good. Good that she hadn"t spent her very last moments in such a confined place. Surely, in the place the knight was taking her to, warmth awaited her, she won"t need to curl up her thin body, she won"t have to lie in a bed which makes the joints of her body ache. All the things this place lacked, were prepared for her where she was going. That"s the place where she was originally meant to be.
“.... Good for you.”
Ilya and the knight went away. While staring at the door that been completely shut, I once again said it clearly. Even though, from the bottom of my heart, I thought it was great. Yet for some reason, my chest hurt again. On their own accord, my fingers shook as they remembered her warmth. Hands that were so slander they looked like they would break if some force was exerted on them. Cracked nails and a skin that had lost its moisture. When I was a n.o.ble, these hands would have been well maintained. These fingers that had belonged to her in the past, were used for hitting a piano keyboard, or holding the hand of their dance partner, or maybe for eating gracefully. Along these delicate hands similar to gla.s.sworks, there were so many things I lost. They could never be obtained again. Yet, that girl had laughed like a child, saying, “my hands are like those of an old woman.” Looking at her hands that had been resting in mine, her expression softened and she had added, “Your hands are so small.”
Aaah, why. Why am I sad?
Despite the fact I thought it was good like this.
..................... After this, in not even the span of a month, she breathed her last. I thought she achieved a very peaceful end, being watched over by Soleil, Silvia and their children.
I was looking at this scene from the outside of the window.
Her life didn"t end in a place devoid of any human dignity like that brothel. This was a salvation in itself. Dying alone in such a place, that must not happen.
It must not be, and yet.... I remembered that narrow and dirty room where there was nothing else apart from a bed.
Many times. Many times.
I remembered it. I kept remembering it.
Nocta"s thought :
It"s been more than a year since I translate Ilya"s life in the brothel. It was covered in chapters 13 and 14. At that time I didn"t know we would get to see Crow"s view of the story.
But at first, when I was translating this chapter, I wonder if this Ilya was the one we saw in chapters 13/14, because she seemed so attached to Soleil. While 13/14"s Ilya kept thinking about Crow, so I wasn"t expecting her to call Soleil"s name in her sleep.