Before reading:
Ok, so Ichanged Iria for Ilya. And the background is blue. It’s not that I wasbloodthirsty, but I simply liked it. Blue should be more “easy on the eyes” no?
If this isthe real end – 2
“My charming little princess.”
Mother often said that while combing my little sister’s hairs. As I looked atthem, I thought it couldn’t be help since she looked so lovely.
Itwasn’t like mother didn’t love me. … … That was probably what I tried tobelieve. However, rather than her own blood-related child, she loved andcherished Silvia a lot more. That was the truth. She would rarely come to myroom, but I knew that she went to see Silvia without missing a single day.Before going to sleep, she would drop a kiss on her round forehead. I also knewthat she would sing a lullaby with a voice full of love. Sneaking out of myroom on a night I couldn’t fall asleep, from the gap of the door that happenedto have been opened, I saw the nonchalant routine of my mother and that child. “Good night, mother.” “Sweet dreams, mycharming little princess.” Even though I clearly heard their voices, forsome reason they started to vanish in the distance.
Lovely.That looked lovely. I also wanted that.
Iwanted mother’s gentle kiss. I wanted her hands to comb my hairs, show me heraffection, hug me, I wanted her to call me her lovely little princess. Ithought that mother would do it if I asked her for. If I coaxed her, if I putmy request into words, I knew she wouldn’t ignore it. While mother loved mylittle sister more, she wasn’t a heartless person. That’s why, if I had wishedfor it, I would have had my desires granted. Even if she didn’t do it spontaneously.However in the end, I never even once received those gestures of affections.
Because I thought that if it was a love givenreluctantly, then I had no need for it.
Imight have been a young child at that time, but since birth I understood I wasfrom the aristocracy. I was called “my lady” since I was a baby, was served bythe people around me; raised in this fas.h.i.+on I was made to act and treat peoplea certain way. By the time I remembered words, inside my heart the notion ofpride had already be cultivated. Such worthless arrogance might have deprivedme of my pureness and honesty. I, who was even hesitating to reach out to myown mother, had unconsciously built a wall inside my heart, and I came tobehave as if I could never understand how to bare my heart and openly said whatI wanted. The armor that I coiled around me by doing that, stayed with me as Igrew up, unknowingly hurting me.
Ididn’t know if it was because of that, but I was always afraid of asking othersfor their help. Even though I knew that I, myself, was a very weak person, evenat the critical moment I still couldn’t ask for help. Just saying a single wordwould be enough, but how much courage would it take to actually say it? Didanyone understand the sorrow squeezing out such a word and freeing my voicefrom any obstacles would cost me? I was the n.o.ble daughter of the third rankedearl house. I, who was armed with such a heavy headgear, such a heave t.i.tle,while I was using it as a s.h.i.+eld, at the same time I had also been boundedhands and feet by it.
“From today onward, you will become Soleil-sama’s fiancé.”
Therefore, you cannot act spoiled anymore,alright? Even though I felt I had never behave that way even once, thatperson said this with a gaze full of kindness and hugged me tightly. As if thiswould be the last time. Anyhow, she pretended having done this many times. Myfirst hug with my mother was wrapped in an atmosphere sugary enough to makeone’s choke and it made me feel sick. At that moment I didn’t know if it wasalright for me to return her hug back, while watching my fingers wandering inmidair, I noticed that mother and Silvia had the same smell. It smelled likethe lingering scent of an incense. The young me simply thought it was strange.Why did my mother and little sister have the same parfum? I didn’t realize thesense of discomfort that a.s.sailed me because only mine was different.
“You have been promised a bright future. Because you will become thewife of a marquis.”
I didn’t know what my mother’sthoughts were when she said this. My mother looked at me with the same gaze shehad when she was watching over her favorite porcelains, paintings or roses.Keeping that gaze on me, she declared distinctly, In other words you are now under the custody of the marquis’s house. Iguess I was too young to understand the meaning of those words.
…… When I was imprisoned in my first life, my parents turned their back on me.From time to time I remembered my father’s face when he gritted his teeth withloath as he complained I had disappointed him. At that time, while I believedSoleil would come for me, on the other hand I also perceived that I had reachedmy end.
Butthen I thought about it. It wasn’t like my parents had abandoned me at thatmoment. They had separated themselves from me step by step, little by little,as if they were pilling up stones one by one, in a fas.h.i.+on where everythingwould eventually crumble once the weight couldn’t be endured anymore. Thatfirst and also last embrace had namely been the first stone.
“…Why,”
AsI had already decided on what dress to wear for lunch, while I was letting themaid help me get dressed, I looked at my reflection in the full-length mirror.The person standing here, was the not very special and quite ordinary “me”.Even if I thought my hairs were like those of an old woman, actually, I had notlived until that old. Before my face will get wrinkles, I will reach the end ofthat short life. If it was so fleeting, was it selfish of me to wish to atleast spend a satisfying life?
“My lady? Is something wrong?”
Thesharp-eared maid t.i.tled her head in wonder, having picked up words I was sure Ihad chewed up inside my mouth. When I shook my head, she closed her mouth anddidn’t ask anything anymore. She was truly an excellent maid who had served fora long time. Respecting my will, even if she was curious she didn’t try to pryinto my thoughts.
Brus.h.i.+ngthe hairs lying on my shoulders as if nothing had happened, she asked me, “Howwould you like to do your hairs?” She truly understood what was the correctquestion to ask in this situation. As I remembered the beautiful hairs of mylittle sister when she had been facing me earlier in the corridor, I wonderedwhat I would like if I were to do the same hairstyle. In front of the lovelyephemeral appearance of the fairy, I was standing with the same haircut.Imagining that,
“…Fufu” I heaved a long breath blendedwith a little laugh.
Evenif we had the same hairstyle, our appearance would still be as different asheaven and earth. Whether it was a coincidence or not, it would be inevitablefor people to thing I had tried to imitate my little sister. How ridiculouswould that look?
Therewould only be me, my little sister and Soleil at the luncheon. The person whowould compare us, will only be Soleil. But he would surely not realize that Ihave the same style as Silvia. The only one who would laugh at my stupidappearance, would be me.
Ididn’t like to be compared to Silvia, I always tried to choose somethingdifferent from that child. A different hairstyle, a different lipstick, adifferent dress, different shoes, rather than picking things I liked, it feltmore like I was choosing based on the criteria it must be different fromSilvia. I think it has been like this since our childhood. In front of mylittle sister who was wearing a light-colored dress and was praised as beingcute and adorable, I realized I should not wear that. A few days ago, I wore adress of the same color, but n.o.body said it was cute or anything. When was itthat I noticed the compliment “It suits you well” was only polite lip servicedevoid of any real meaning?
“… Can you tie my hair up please?”
Themaid confirmed my order in a nod and skillfully braided my hairs with flowerornaments to make a beautiful hairstyle. When I saw the result once she wasdone, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. I intended to make choices, but as amatter of fact, I hadn’t been able to choose anything at all.
“Hey, in reality, you like the color white, right?”
Theone who noticed it was Crow. I liked white flowers regardless of their variety.So understandably, I liked white. Even though there was no need to thing deeplyto see that, no one in my entourage had ever noticed it. The colors I wore werealways discreet; for casual attires it was dark or indigo blue, reddish-brownor a deep violet, only colors that wouldn’t stand out. It wasn’t like I waspurposely choosing dark colors. Simply, flamboyant ones didn’t suit that plainface of mine. “You really dislike brightcolor” had said my mother with a wry smile. She hadn’t realized even alittle that I was yearning for my little sister’s dresses.
Thesole occasion on which I wore white, was on my wedding with Soleil that I hadexperienced countless times in my repeating lives.
Becauseit was a marriage, I was able to wear a dress of my favorite colorunreservedly. Not feeling inferior to my little sister, not being compared toher by our surrounding. On the day only I was allowed to wear white, on thatone and only day, I was truly able to pick out everything and anything myself.Standing alongside Soleil, I was showered with words of blessing and basked inapplauses.
Thatday was a day overflowing with happiness… Or rather, it should have been so. Each time I remembered the exaltation ofthat day, I was a.s.sailed by an anguis.h.i.+ng pain, as if the inner part of mychest was being clawed by nails. Probably because I couldn’t forget that Soleil’s eyes only chased afterSilvia’s silhouette. In the end, the only person to admire the dress whosefabric and design I had chosen personally, had only been me.
“… Even if I dress up, there is nomeaning.”
“My lady?
“… No, it is nothing. Thank you, Icaused you some trouble.”
“No, not all. That was nothing.”
Myappearance reflected in the mirror now that the maid had finished seemed to nothave a single blemish. Befitting of a n.o.ble young daughter, the dress made of afine quality material was a high-cla.s.s item. When basking inside the light, thedeep blue shade slightly changed. I narrowed my eyes in front of its beauty,however, I unintentionally lowered my eyes when I thought of the fact I was theone wearing it. No matter what I wear no one will pay it any mind, no one willfeel anything when seeing it.
Theday of that wedding, Soleil took a fleeting glimpse in my direction and said, “So beautiful.” I remembered it well.For a brief moment my mood brightened. When I looked up I saw him gazing atSilvia in the distance, his eyes shaken by an ardent emotion.
Hehad pretended to have addressed that compliment to me; his profile as he was infact staring as my little sister, I have never forgotten it.
“It took you quite a while.”
Ismiled bitterly at Soleil and Silvia who seemed to have been lying in wait forme in the parlor. Originally, the appointed time had been 30 minutes from now,so there should have been no reason to criticize me. But in the aristocraticsociety that was divided in ranks, as he belonged to a higher family, makinghim wait wasn’t praiseworthy. It didn’t matter that I was his fiancé or not. Hehad such a special social status.
“My apologies.”
“…”
WhenI lowered my head obediently, silence fell in the room. I wondered if he didn’tfeel like forgiving me. As I remained with my head hung down, unable to rise upmy line of sight,
“Big sister, your hair ornaments are lovely.”
Ididn’t know if she read the air or made her remark without any ulteriorthoughts, but Silvia rose up from her seat. She came to me who was standingnear the entrance unable to move, and said,
“This dress, it is the first timeI’m seeing it. It really suits you well big sister.”
Shelaughed softly with a smiling expression in her eyes.
Shewas a kind child. Without any maliciousness, she was trying to face me with thesame pure heart than when she was a child. Despite not having seen many otherpeople, my little sister was often watching me. Silvia’s true nature had surelynot changed since our childhood. She was the same as the little figure that hadflew before me in the stable when I was about to be kicked by the horse. As Iwas her older sister, there was no way she would harbor any malice. My parentshad gently covered Silvia’s eyes so as to not let them reflect anything dirtyor unsightly.
Withthis purity, with this kindness, this beauty, she will steal Soleil’s heart.
Forexample, she might be the same as a princess from a fairy-tale. If they arecaptured, someone will come to their rescue, if they are in a dire situation,someone will extend a helping hand. Just by being here, they will be loved.
Theywere different from me. Because I…
“The two of you, isn’t it time tosit down soon?”
AsI was answering Silvia’s praise for my dress, saying, you are very pretty too, Soleil’s voice echoed. He sounded a littlebit annoyed, was it because I was monopolizing my little sister’s gaze?
Silvialightly acknowledged his demand and flew back to him. I followed behind her.Her hairs were swaying gently, matching her vibrant pace.
“Your hairs,”
“…hum?”
“Your hairs, they look like the shadows of a grove of trees that arefalling on the snow.”
“… What? What do you mean?”
Inone of my lives, as I was reflected in those black eyes of him, Crow said thiswith a little laugh. I had never mentioned my own a.s.sessment of my hairs infront of him. However, as if he had seen through my mind, he told me,
“I, rather than the pure white snow that had pilled up in a plain, Ithink that the shadow of trees casted on that snow are much more beautiful.”
Ididn’t understand what his intentions were when he said this.
“But, when even the shadows of those trees are included, I would call it asnowy landscape.”
Crowsaid that and gently caressed my hairs.
“Snow is just snow. No matter what hair color you have, what eyes youhave, what expression you make…… No matter who you are, I think you arebeautiful.”
Hewas probably not trying to encourage or comfort me. Because Crow should nothave known that I was comparing myself with Silvia and felt depressed. But, healways offered me the words I wanted to hear.
“… I’ve been told so by Saion-sama.”
“Don’t pay attention to what Saisays. He is a nasty fellow…”
Evenwithout saying anything, appetizers were brought to my seat. While eating themI watched as Silvia and Soleil were having a pleasant chat. Whether or not itwas a continuation of their conversation when I met them in the corridorearlier, but apparently it seemed to be about Soleil’s friend. Since they were usuallyhaving lunch together, naturally, there probably had been opportunities to meetSoleil’s friend. That person who I had never been introduced to, Silvia seemedto know him well.
“Big sister…? Is something wrong?”
It seemed you are not eating anything,said Silvia with a wondering expression. Although I picked up my fork at herurging, I quite couldn’t swallow the food in my mouth.
“Are you feeling unwell?”
WhenI raised my eyes, Soleil was looking toward me with a wrinkle between hiseyebrows. Until now, he hadn’t even kept me at the corner of his field ofvision. When he had follow Silvia’s line of sight, even if he found itunpleasant he noticed me at that moment.
“… No”
Tryingto shake my head, I took the initiative to declare, I should go back to my room. Because of my trembling fingers, thetip of the knife hit the porcelain and created some noise.
“Big sister…! Soleil-sama is here for your sake…!”
Sheprobably thought I couldn’t wait to leave my seat and stroke the plate with theknife on purpose in anger. While remaining humble, Silvia raised a reproachingvoice. In tune with her, Soleil pulled down his lips.
WhenI reflexively casted my eyes down, my shoulders trembled.
“Ilya?”
Iwas almost about to laugh. Perhaps, from the start, everything had been a hugefarce.
“I apology for the inconvenience Icaused you. I will presume upon your benevolence but I think I should return tomy room.”
WhenI put down my fork and knife and said that without raising my head,
“I will escort you back to yourroom.”
Soleilshowed a worried behavior. It was the proper reaction as my fiancé.
“It is fine. It is not that far.Please, take your time Soleil-sama.”
“… Big sister, hum…”
“Silvia you too, do not mind me.”
Istood while exchanging the same kind of conversation than at that tea partywhere Soleil and Silvia met.
WhenI left the room, Al was waiting for me in the corridor as expected. Since mywithdrawal was considerably earlier than it should have been, he made a puzzledexpression, then he inquired if everything was alright.
Ilaughed and said I was fine, wearing the same smile as usual. Pretending thatnothing had happened, I returned to my room. Then, the instant when the dooropened, I took one deep breath, preparing myself. It was in order to suppressmy expecting heart which wondered if a black bird was there or not.
“Nice to meet you, princess.”
Ididn’t know why he had called me like this the first time we met. It probablydidn’t have any meaning, even if I asked him he wouldn’t give me an answer.
Butin this world deprived of any hope, only him had given me the words I wanted tohear. The me of this current life, had remembered them many, many times overand over again.