If this is the real end- 14
You see, the persons who have given up everything and abandoned all hope, become skillful at smiling you know? Crow had said. Whether it"s joy or sorrow, or even pain, when all emotions are sealed off in the depth of their heart, their face don"t lose their expressions. …… They smile.
“At time when nothing can no longer be done and all is helpless, humans who have “given up” everything will smile, you see.”
The sun had started to set. Turning her back to the rim of the window which had been dyed red by the light, mother took one, two steps toward me. It was a lady-like way of walking, a way that didn"t produce any sound. Even at a moment like this, mother didn"t forget her manner as a n.o.ble. I ended up feeling admiration in front of her excellence, despite the strangeness of the situation. Her facial features weren"t gaudy, her back was stretched upright, she was moving with a feminine bearing that made it hard to took your eyes away from even the tip of her fingers. She wasn"t a beautiful woman to the point of being breathtaking, but the refinement of her behavior drew in people"s eyes. However, for a woman belonging to the n.o.bility, such a thing was common. The people wearing items of high value, somehow or another their att.i.tude and gestures, and even the way they phrased they words, was different from others. This was because from a young age, the being called a n.o.ble would undertake a different education from the common populace; in the first place their foundations were different. There probably must have been trivial differences depending on the person, but they certainly wouldn"t be big ones. In other words, aristocrats were originally beings who would stand out even if they didn"t do anything. Even someone like me was probably not different in that aspect. Even dressed soberly, I would still appear like someone from a n.o.ble family and I would stand out if I were to walk in the downtown. Because both the fabric of the dress and the way it had been weaved and seamed showed it was made by a dexterous craftsman, naturally it looked different from a cheap one. The people whose eyes could discern such a thing were unexpectedly numerous. Moreover, in most cases, I would be accompanied by a maid or a butler, and just this would be conspicuous enough to gather all eyes on me.
However, this would only apply to when I went downtown, I understood it didn"t represent how I was a.s.sessed as a person myself. In one of my lives, at the time I was sold in a human traffic, n.o.body had believed I was a n.o.ble. If what I wore, my hair style and the environment I was placed in were different, in the blink of an eyes the frame making me a n.o.blewoman would get out of place. I was such a person, if I was surrounded by n.o.bles I would be buried out; that demonstrated that in reality I would not remain in anyone"s eyes.
Put in that sense, maybe mother and I were similar. However at the same time, it was also a fact there was an overwhelming difference between us. If the both of us lined up next to each other, the one who would be told she was beautiful would probably be mother. Since we were related by blood our facial features should have had some resemblances, yet I was only a mediocre person to the bitter end while nonetheless, mother was beautiful. In addition, the atmosphere we emitted itself was greatly different. Mother simply appeared nothing but cheerful, gentle and seemed to have an air of composure. That comfortable atmosphere which could wrapped up around everyone and anyone was certainly characteristic of a n.o.ble. Anyone would appraise it like this, even I had always thought so.
Even now, she was excessively composed, she didn"t seem to be shaken at all.
“Ilya, why did you do this?”
On the contrary, her voice was even calmer than usual. I promptly diverted my line of sight, but it was not out of guilt. Because mother was intensely staring straight at my face, I had simply faltered due to the strength of that gaze.
I wondered if mother was trying to appeal something to me with that intense gaze.
“They are from, Silvia"s room…”
“Did you take them without permission?”
When I was hesitating to speak up, mother uttered so without delay. “You cannot do this.” You mustn"t do such a thing, she added with a trouble expression, as if she was complaining to a child. It wasn"t an angry tone, nor was it blaming me, it was merely a way of speaking full of fondness and affection, but that made my heart tremble. Even when I was a child, she never talked to me with that kind of tone. Because from the time I became Soleil"s fiancé, guiding me had been the role of the maids. And so in this way, I had never been warned or reprimanded directly like this. It sounded almost as if we were a normal pair of mother and daughter.
“If I"m not wrong, these are items that child cherishes.”
The furnitures arranged inside the room were of splendid textures worthy of the wife of an earl, but there weren"t many of them. She would dress up when she was invited to an evening party, but ordinarily she dressed modestly and this room reflected mother"s preference. Even though there were several vials on the carpet, the scene looked like an ordinary day when a daughter had come pay a courtesy visit and was welcomed by her mother, appearing as if nothing was wrong. But I recalled we didn"t have that kind of relations.h.i.+p. When nothing was wrong, we wouldn"t spend time together, it never happened.
“Mother, what on earth are they…?”
My trembling voice echoed in the silent room. It didn"t sound very reliable, even in my own ears it seemed to echo from far away. However, the person in front of my eyes appeared to have heard it clearly and bent her head a little while smiling softly. Despite being a gentle gaze, it felt uncomfortable, as if I was being observed. When I was stared at by those eyes, I would always need to harden myself and decide on what I wanted to say. The reason I reacted like this was because for me, “mother” wasn"t an unconditional ally.
Since the time my first life ended, an invisible wall had stood between my parents and me. No, I might have been the only one who felt this. However, it didn"t necessary become a problem. Since they so quickly abandoned their daughter restrained in chains, it wasn"t surprising I could no longer believe in their love. That"s what I personally thought. I even started doubting whether maybe, far from love, they had any feelings at all toward me. Even at the time the government official read aloud the charges against me, I was alone. Following the formal procedure, when he asked if anyone had an objection, I remembered having shouted it was a false charge. In that place where I had no allies, I merely repeated it again and again. As for my father, he had given up on me a long, long time ago.
I remembered that mother came to see me only one time. But it wasn"t to lament that her daughter had been falsely accused, or to advocate my innocence, she only came to make her farewell.
It happened the day the verdict was handed down, the day I was imprisoned. I was put into a carriage that had been transformed into an iron cage, ready to be carried in the dungeon where the most sinful men among all the criminals were sequestered. There, mother appeared alone, not even accompanied by an attendant. Since it had meaning as a warning and a spectacle, the day I was imprisoned, many ordinary citizens gathered. As they were in an excited state, no one noticed an aristocrat woman was standing here. She had slipped among the curious onlookers and was looking at me. Because I thought our eyes had met, I hoped that maybe, she had come to save me, and I stretched out my arm through the gap of the iron grid. My legs tied up in iron chains badly hurt, but I couldn"t care less. I complained I was innocent, cried, screamed and shout. But mother quickly turned away and left that place. Seeing her resolute and firm back that was the same as usual, I fully realized I was forsook. Without any despair, without any sadness, in fact without any emotion she abandoned me. When her daughter grasped the st.u.r.dy iron grid, when she left behind her daughter who kept screaming don"t go, I wondered what mother felt?
“What they are? Simply some medicinal tea.”
I wasn"t foolish enough to not notice that mother"s gentle smile had deepened. She made the same expression than a young child who had his precious toy or a hidden treasure confiscated. However, there was no sadness or anger in it. She had a quite strange look that was a mix of perplexity and joy. I felt that mother"s emotions were awfully honest. Because she always conducted herself as a perfect lady.
“… Are you aware of what is inside?”
When she picked up the bottle at her feet, mother sighed and whispered,
“Why do you think I don"t know? Since after all, it was made by me?”
Hearing her tone of voice that sound like she was thoroughly perplexed, a chill suddenly run down my spine. Before completely losing its light, the sun cried. For some reason, my line of sight s.h.i.+ft to the scenery outside the window. Mother"s room, which had a good exposure to the sun as it was in a high location inside the mansion, was still bright even now when the sun was setting. When I looked at my own shadow near my feet, at its extremity another one had drawn near.
“You are such a foolish child, Ilya.”
Since the time I was appointed as Soleil"s fiancé, I also probably became a stranger for her. That"s why she won"t use abusive language or insult me, she"ll play it nice just like how she did now. She never released the sense of distance, a sort of reserve, that existed between us. I reflexively rose my head and saw mother whispered, “Really, such a silly child.” A gentle and cheerful smile was floating on her face. It looked full of affection, like always. … … that"s what other people would have thought if they had seen it.
“… Why?”
Even though I ought to question her directly, my voice faintly trembled and the air stayed stuck in my mouth. I was still wavering, thinking I should not ask her, because I didn"t want to believe. That mother, that my mother had…
“To Silvia, what on earth… did you…?”
Each time I spited out words, it felt like I"ve run out of oxygen. The breath I sucked up as if I was panting in anguish produced a loud noise. It"s wrong, it"s wrong, it"s wrong. I mustn"t ask about it. Such a thing is impossible, someone screamed inside my head.
“Don"t you already understand, Ilya? What I did?”
You know, right? Mother who was completely composed and was looking at me with calm eyes didn"t seem to understand her own sin. Besides, it"s hard to think that mother… that my one and only wise mother had made a mistake of her own initiative. The overwhelming silence coiled around my skin, as if it was slowly pressuring me. My feet which were supporting my body about to fall were not stepping on the soft carpet but on a rough and undulating ma.s.s of sand. If I were to take one step forward, I would certainly fall.
“Please, do not misunderstand, Ilya. It"s not that I do not love that child you see.”
It was a kind voice. Its tone didn"t shake, yet it sounded like a gentle and fleeting voice. It made me recall the lullaby mother had sung, a long time ago. As she whispered so softly, the words that fell off her lips seemed to melt and disappear in the twinkle of an eyes. The pupils gazing at me were of the color of new green leaves that had no impurity, that had not been tarnished by mud. It was the color I had yearned for so much in the past. Because I have always thought that mother"s eyes were similar to the leaves overflowing with vitality, the green leaves s.h.i.+ning under the midsummer sun. If my eyes hadn"t been of that dry color of dead leaves about to fall on the ground, if they had been like mother"s unsoiled fresh green… I would probably have been proud of my eyes.
Nonetheless, those eyes which weren"t beautiful, those eyes alone were the proof of the relation of parent and child between mother and me. My faded green, and mother"s deep green. Colors that Silvia who had a different mother didn"t possess. The color that only I had inherited, mother"s color. The amber that was spread inside them, father"s color, was also here. Yes, it was the colors of our parents only I had both inherited… and yet… …
“If you truly love her, then why did you do this? What on earth is mixed inside this? This is, these tea leaves, what is different from normal ones? Isn"t something, something that is bad for Silvia, mixed in it?”
If I didn"t settle this soon, Silvia will come back home. I suddenly came to my senses and drew close to mother. Now that I thought of it, I wondered what happened to the maid and the servant who should have gone report to the steward. If he was already aware of the situation, then it"s only a question of time until it would reach father"s ears. … … But, no one knew yet that something was put inside the tea mother prepared for Silvia. As such, what they would be worried about now wasn"t this. The problem was that I had took something from Silvia"s room. My father who doted on Silvia will surely not overlook this.
“Silvia originally had a weak const.i.tution. To think that inside these, something, I do not know what, is mixed in…”
The drug I took when I was in the brothel was for suppressing my illness, it put a burden on the body itself. It was a very specific medicine that was still been in the research phase and it shouldn"t have appeared on the town market yet. Although it was expensive, this medicine I had obtained wasn"t something that only attacked the disease, it had effects on the health of the internal organs too. Still, as it allowed me to ward off an immediate death, I relied on it. As for whether that medicine had been put inside the tea mother had prepared for Silvia… I wasn"t convinced. So, if maybe, per some chance, it was something else that had a similar scent…
“Mother, what on earth, were you,”
What on earth were you thinking? In front of mother"s smile, these words that should have close the sentence were prevented from being enounced. … … Even though I wished she would deny it. Mother"s reaction was to overturn everything entirely.
“It is not poison.”
Instead of screaming, “then what the h.e.l.l is it?” my throat was blocked and I had to gulp down.
“So, she won"t die. That"s what worried you, right?”
She said, as she walked toward the dresser. As she seemed to look into the mirror, mother whispered with the same gentle voice, “… But that child is…” Our eyes met through the mirror. Both reflected in there, mother"s face and my face completely looked like two different persons. That I had thought we looked alike, might only had been my own delusion. A dream brought forth by my wish, a meaningless dream, I thought, and my lips started to tremble.
“That child is my precious, very precious princess, Ilya.”
Even though she didn"t ask me to, I nodded my head to acknowledge her remark. Seeing this, mother said something I quite didn"t understand, “If you knew, then why?” I was aware this was illogical, yet I felt like one by one her words were heading toward the same direction.
“She should not have gone to the academy, Ilya. That child is not good.”
“… Not good?”
“That child, that child is hopeless.”
“…N, no! That is not true. That is certainly not true! Silvia is, doing her best.”
I could never have imagined mother had such a low evaluation of Silvia and I ended up unconsciously raising my voice. For mother to have said such a thing… But mother didn"t show any reaction and continued to stare at the mirror. A few minutes had pa.s.sed since earlier and the sun had continued to set, so the light flowing through the window was weakening. Due to this, the room had become much dimmer compared to before. And so because of this, I couldn"t read her expression after she had lowered her face.
“That"s not it, Ilya. It"s wrong, it is not about that.”
Mother suddenly straightened herself and looked over her shoulder.
“I have a promise I must fulfill. This, my husband is, that child"s loveliness…”
Falling gently, as if they were dancing on a flower"s petals, tears overflew from mother"s eyes.
“When you proposed to let Silvia attend the academy because it would be better for her, I should have opposed more. But the reason I didn"t was because I thought that my husband… would never give his permission. And yet, that child... because Silvia solicited him with all her might…he was moved by his affection.”
Even though I was sure he would not allow it, whispered mother as a long sigh leaked out of her lips.
“What are you talking about?”
Mother"s eyes were swinging left and right, she should have been looking at me, and yet I noticed she seemed to be gazing into something in the distance. Such a vacant gaze was dangerous.
“… … I won"t say I didn"t intend to do such a thing. I"m clearly aware. Of what I did, and also, of what I ought to do. But.”
“M-mother…?”
“My husband will never forgive me. After all, I made our princess drink such a thing.”
“Mother.”
It was like she was speaking to herself, if you only listened to her words, you could interpret it as a confession. But, her face didn"t show the slightest trace of repentance. If I must describe it, her expression might have been close to the feeling of emptiness you would experience after everything you accomplished or attempted to do finished.
“Since she started attending school, that child became energic. Yes, a lot livelier than before.”
Wasn"t it a good thing? Certainly, compared to the past, Silvia had become a lot more active. There were still moments when her condition would worsen, but if this was the effects of the tea prepared by mother… then she might have truly become energic and healthy. I thought so because that child was doing her best to continue going to school.
“But that"s not good, then. That situation, that broken child. It mustn"t become like this.”
After saying this in a whispering voice, mother abruptly grasped the air with her right hand. Because of this sudden gesture, for a second I put myself on guard and from the edge of my field of vision, I caught glimpse of a flitting silver color. But I was unable to react and stood still. My lips did move to try and say something like, Don"t or Wait, but they made no sound. The words inside my mouth that lost their place to go were brought to a standstill and blocked my throat. I only blinked once, but taking advantage of that gap a black lump flew off with a frightening momentum. My eyes moved to follow it, but because it was too far away they couldn"t catch up.
Something felt on my cheek.
I thought a fly had land on it. I reflexively touched it with my right hand and felt something with my fingers. While I knitted my brows because I felt something lukewarm, when I moved my line of sight to confirm what it was, mother"s delicate body fell with a thud.
Ah, right. More important that"s what on my cheek, what happened to mother……?
I couldn"t comprehend what happened. Even though my eyes had certainly seen it all. My line of sight moved to mother"s fallen body, then once again, I looked at my own hand. As I looked alternatively at my fingers dyed in red and mother"s unmoving body, my feet stepped forth. But the bottom of my feet didn"t transmit any feeling. As if the ground had collapsed and I had fallen in a hole, as if in one instant, I had lost sight of the place where I was. Because my field of vision was trembling greatly, I thought the mansion was crumbling down. While telling myself it couldn"t be the case, I strongly closed my eyes, and I opened them once again. Then I looked around to confirm the state of the walls and the celling, and realized nothing had happened to the estate itself. Just after this, I understood it was myself who was falling. Even though I wasn"t injured, something, was strange. “… m-mother…?” While supporting my body with both hands, I crawled and approached mother who was lying on the extravagant woven carpet. In deep crimson and pale orange, flowers of various size where blooming on it. These complex patterns were suitable to ornate the feet of n.o.bles.
Mother"s blood was quickly dying it entirely.
“Mo…ther”
My breathing accelerated, I couldn"t inhale well. So it was obvious I could not exhale properly and a dry voice leak out of my mouth. Why should I do at a time like this? I thought but my legs refused to move and I couldn"t stand up. Using my elbows, I continued to advance forward on the carpet. My sleeves coiled around my body and weight me down, it was a big hindrance, and my body that had become heavy like lead refused to move like I wanted. But my mind was rus.h.i.+ng me to hurry.
“…W-why… did you do… why do that… mother…”
While she tightly grasped the knife she had slit her own neck with, mother stared at me with a dispirited gaze. I didn"t know if she was still conscious or not. From her neck, blood continued to flow out without stopping.
Desperate, I finally reached mother"s side and pressed down on her neck. But, my hands couldn"t stop the blood, the red liquid was still leaking out of my fingers. At that moment, mother"s thin fingers moved without strength and seized my wrist. I thought she only wanted me to stay by her side, but I strongly repressed this feeling. When I faltered for a second,
“I"m so-rry, Ilya…”
The green eyes on which a shadow had fallen, were fixed on my face.
“…Sorry… Ilya……”
After having uttered so in a relaxed tone like she was talking to a friend, she strongly grasped my wrist. “Pull yourself together, mother, everything is going to be alright.” Like I did when I was a child, I kept repeating, it"s alright, it"s going to be alright. “Mother, mother, it"s fine, you"ll be fine, so.” Even though I knew nothing was alright at all, yet, I could only say those words. Looking at my imploring expression, mother"s eyes opened wide in surprise. And then, still making that astonished expression, she heaved one long sigh.
“Mother?”
Her pupils were opened and light was rapidly scattering.
“…Mother, mother… m-mother, mother…”
No, stop, what, why.
“No, no, no… That, that, I don"t want… someone.”
Mother"s hand that was grasping my arm fell on the carpet. With my hand that had become free, I pressed down on the wound that had worsen compared to before, but it was useless. I thought I should press down with some cloth, but there was nothing nearby and I mustn"t loosen my hands.
“Someone, anyone, come, someone!”
Even though I wanted to scream, my breathing stopped and the words didn"t form. I was useless. Irremediably useless. Even at a time like this, I couldn"t do anything, not even raise my voice and shout out for help.
“Mother! Mother!”
I called out to her, but there already wasn"t any response. Her hollow eyes which had completely lost their light, weren"t reflecting anything.
“… … Come back, don"t go… please… mother…! Not again… don"t… leave me behind again…”
No, in such a place, don"t leave me in such a place. In the gaps between my disordered breathing, I supplicated her, but mother was no longer seen me.
Like always, she would not look back.
Nocta"s thoughts:
And that"s the last chapter I ever read in the raw. From now on I"ll discover the story as I translate. @Mommy, you said that since I stopped here, it shouldn"t be a cliffhanger, what do you think now?
Everyone, are you satisfied to see Ilya"s mother die? In front of Ilya? By slitting her throat? I don"t know what"ll happen next, but I bet someone is gonna be traumatized. Again.