If this is the real end – 20
I know everything. So, it"s fine.
Silvia murmured so while gently grasping my hands. This face that tried to forgive everyone and anyone was half dyed in red. The red of my blood. “… There is a stain.” When I suddenly murmured that out of nowhere, my little sister smiled and nodded, “I know.” Her own tears washed away the stain on her white cheek. That appearance was so heroic it was touching, yet it was also heartbreaking.
“It"s alright big sister. I know everything so it"s fine.”
Silvia, who softly brought her face closer to mine who was still shaking, was also trembling like me. Her tender voice tickled my earlobes, oozing of kindness like the voice of a holly mother, yet it brought with it a pain that wrenched my chest. Normally at that time, the one who ought to hug the other and rea.s.sured her with words like “there is nothing to be afraid of” should be me. I was the older sister, and she was the younger one. We had always done so until now. That"s why, when she gently encouraged me by stroking my shoulder, it felt terribly uncomfortable.
I had hurt the child I ought to protect.
Because I precisely understood it in my mind, I didn"t want to stay beside her. I knew I mustn"t be such an insensible person, but I still thought I should separate from my little sister. I didn"t manage to twist this strengthless body. The tears that fell from Silvia"s cheeks soaked her shoulders, slightly dying her pale colored dress into a deeper shade. While gazing at it from the corner of my eyes, I repeatedly blinked. I wanted to once again say “I"m sorry” but the words didn"t come out. My s.h.i.+vering throat only leaked out a groan. Even so, Silvia replied, “I know.”
… … What on earth, do you know?
I wanted to asked her the true meaning of her words, but a low voice interrupted me, “If nothing is done soon, her life will be at risk.” When I quickly raised up my head, a person who should have been waiting in the corridor drew close to me with a grim expression. Then, wedging himself between my parents and me, he abruptly sat down. Next, he peered into mine and Silvia"s face.
“It seemed you had an important and complicated talk ongoing, so I waited in the corridor but…”
The wrinkle hand of the doctor pressed on my shoulder and pulled me apart from Silvia. Such a behavior toward a n.o.ble could be criticized but he wasn"t a person to whom you could say that. He had served our house for decades since my grand-father"s time, but even if you put that fact aside, he would still be treated with great care as a person versed in the medical arts. Because such persons were few. Moreover, when he rebuked us in a calm tone, “I want to avoid a case of a person dying from excessive blood loss under my watch,” we all the more couldn"t raise the slightest protest.
“If we do not treat her soon, it will become serious.”
In a sense, the room that had been very tumultuous until now had its mood dampened and became still as death because of the abrupt intruder. The maid waiting in the corner and even my parents were watching the doctor"s movement. It felt like everyone was holding their breaths as if to not make any sound. The air froze to the point the mere sound of breathings sounded loud. The doctor"s voice which rang out in this stillness held an unusual impressiveness. After being urged by him, “Then, hurry up, let us go,” when I wobblily stood up, Silvia stood by my side to support my body.
Even though I was confused at this distance that seemed too close, I peeped at the profile of my little sister who was so closed I could hear her respiration. Then, I met her purple eyes which contained a pale light. I didn"t think our gazes would meet so I faltered. Even though what was directed at me was a gaze full of kindness, that didn"t give me any sense of security. An indescribable anxiety swirled in my chest, as if the ground spreading under my feet was made of gla.s.s. I understood well that Silvia held no malice. Due to her nature, tricks and plots were unlikely. But I knew that staying with my little sister wasn"t safe. At least for me, that was so. That"s why, as I hardly could bear it, I spontaneously took one step back. Soft fingers gently brushed my back as if they were chasing it. It was a gesture devoid of any trick or hidden meaning, a gesture not made because the person in question was waiting for a reward. In the places touched by these fingers, it felt like a soft sensation spread out.
… … I wasn"t sure of how to call that thing that was bestowed to me like this.
Generally, it was said that among aristocrats, a kindness given without expecting anything in return didn"t exist. And so, I was taught that being kind to someone and receiving someone"s kindness had a meaning…
“Big sister, let"s return to your room.”
Even though I had put some distance between us, Silvia didn"t concern herself with it and lent her hand as usual. Even though I had told her I didn"t love her, even though the meaning should have been clearly conveyed. The girl who was looking at me with an innocent expression acted as if nothing wrong happened. Only the drop of water remaining in her long eyelashes proved that the earlier disturbance really occurred. It was like not being loved by me was trivial. With an expression that said she didn"t care about that, she was earnestly offering me her consideration and kindheartedness.
“Wait, Silvia.”
When we were about to follow the doctor who had left the room, a voice rang out behind us. Holding mother who had a vacant expression in her eyes, father was looking at Silvia and Silvia only. But, without turning back, my little sister urged me, “Let"s go big sister.”
“Silvia, you will stay here. Even if you go you"ll hinder the medical examination.”
Stating this in a somehow hurried tone, father moved his gaze to me. He had certainly called the name of my little sister, called for “Silvia.” Yet there was one reason why he looked at me. … … To coerce me. He knew that by doing this, he could manipulate his daughter at will. Because that had been the case until now.
“Besides, you"ve done enough already.”
When she heard that, Silvia quickly turned back, surprised. Since her name had been said, naturally, she must have thought these words were addressed to her. But that wasn"t the case. I understood this sentence was destined to me, the person who had thoughtlessly whispered to my little sister, “I don"t love you”.
You"ve done enough already. Your emotions should have settled now. What more do you want from your little sister?
“……Silvia, do as father says. You know you mustn"t hinder the doctor, right?”
“… Big sister?”
“Stay together with father and mother.”
“… Why? Why do you say that?”
I grasped the slender fingers of Silvia. Like earlier, the little sister who was facing me kept repeating “Why?” Her youthful face didn"t have enough blood in it, it didn"t look healthy. It was a lot better than what it used to be in the past, but her height and body weight were still far away from the average. Her small body looked very young. Now that I thought about it, because that child always stayed in the mansion, it was only recently that she discovered the outside world. How lonely must have been the life in the academy where the maids who always accompanied her weren"t present? It was something she had wished for herself, but this new life must have been harder than what she imagined. On top of being thrown out in the outside world by herself, she didn"t have any friend and the older sister who told her to rely on her didn"t stay close to her. Not understanding her right from her left, she had surely felt fear.
That"s probably why she relied on Soleil. I could imagine the deep relief my little sister felt the moment when, inside the academy full of strangers, she spotted that one and only known face.
“… … It"s fine now.”
That"s right. It"s enough. Silvia supported me. Rather, she presented her hand and told me “it"s alight.” Just that was already plenty enough.
“It"s already fine, Silvia. I can go by myself.”
Because contrary to Silvia, I was alone from the beginning.
“I can walk without having to rely on you,” I told her while smiling.
When she heard me, Silvia"s eyes slightly opened wide. She whispered once again, “Why?” But covering that fleeting voice,
“Come here, Silvia.”
Mother"s voice called her. It was a kind voice but it was also weak, showing her anxious and shaken heart, and it perfectly served the role of diverting Silvia"s attention. When she threw a glance in mother"s direction, I slipped through my little sister"s hold. Then I went after the doctor who had already left. My knees shook, and even to just take one step forth I had to put strength in my whole body, but I could still go forward. Several steps ahead, Merge was standing there, and as she glanced at me with a preoccupied look, I whispered, “Please.” With only that, my intention would surely be transmitted to her.
Her face had lost its color but she strongly nodded and tightly clenched her chest.
*
*
When I was a child, I used one room of the estate as my study.
I felt depressed by just going back and forth my own room and the archives. So, I wanted to change my mood and made a request to father to freely use the room from where I could see the roses mother grew. My request was pa.s.sed through the steward, but it was unexpectedly accepted. The little room that hadn"t been used in a few years was allotted to me at the condition I wouldn"t cause trouble to the maids and chamberlain and I obtained permission to use it as I wanted. That was probably done with the implication to urge me to be independent. But I remembered I wasn"t dissatisfied as I was able to bring as much books as I wanted in the room that originally only contained a desk and chairs and was wide enough for me who spent time by myself. That new environment had enough influence to blow away all my gloom.
Since I became Soleil"s fiancé I hadn"t had any time to rest, so it was the first time in a while I could savor a taste of liberation.
I moved the desk to the window, put flower vases in the corner, hanged new curtains. Because that room was located on a recess of the first floor, I could see the roses mother had trimmed by peeking through the window. As no one other than me would come in this room, I could forget time and immerged myself in reading. As expected when my private tutor came I had to return to my room, but apart from those moments, I spent most of my time there. I read many fairy-tales destined to children I wouldn"t have been able to touch if I had been under the adults" scrutiny like usual. Because fairy-tails had been deemed as something unnecessary since I started my education to become a lady. I brought them out of the archives where they had been collected only as doc.u.mentation. It was the first time I saw the fairy-tales conventionally known by all children in society. I read them thoroughly. I was fascinated by this pleasant and wonderful words. The protagonists who lived in these mysterious worlds would always find happiness at the end even if they were poor, ugly or bullied. And I yearned for such stories.
But such days didn"t last for long.
One day as I was reading, I heard a voice from the window. When I raised my head, mother and Silvia were there. While I was a bit surprised at the appearance of this half-sister I seldomly met, I observed them. The window gla.s.s and the roses grown by mother were between us but the distance wasn"t that wide. When I strained my ears, I caught their words. As usual, my little sister was very beautiful. While I was staring at her with admiration, suddenly, that little face looked toward me.
And then, she smiled.
At once, I fell from the chair and crouched under the desk to hide, hugging my knees in my arms. I didn"t want to be found by anyone. Because that"s was my room. “The room only for me”… … it was my secret place. When I was trying to settle my pounding heart and hold my breath,
“What is it? Silvia?”
I heard mother"s voice.
“Just now, there was someone here.”
“… Someone?”
“Yup.”
“Well, that should not be possible. You see, this room is empty. There shouldn"t be anyone in it.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes. It hasn"t been used for a long time.”
“Hmm.”
“It"s strange” said a voice that sounded to be pouting. You are right, it is strange, replied mother with laughter contained in her voice. Even though I could no longer confirm their expression, I could imagine their faces as they laughed together.
I thought it was great I wasn"t found out. But, I also wondered why they didn"t try to find me. I shouldn"t have wanted to be discovered, but I wished to be.
… … That was probably how I felt.
“How is your condition?”
When I looked up, Marianne was tilting her head, her beautiful eyebrows slightly creased. Since I stayed in bed for a few days because I was feverish, my body felt heavy. Moreover, my right arm had received a few st.i.tches, I had a hard time even simply raising my upper body from the bed. Right now, I could sit up because several pillows were packed behind my back, but with only my own strength, I would use up all the force in my body to sit up.
“I am considerably fine but… I am thinking of taking a few more days of rest.”
When I said that, Marianne who was sitting on the chair by the beside let out a little sigh. Despite the fact she looked unhappy and distressed, today as well, she had a gorgeous beauty. Her hairs which seemed to be sprinkled with gold dust was reflecting the faint light inside the room, looking like it a halo was s.h.i.+ning. Even the white wall paper appeared to fade away in her dazzling presence.
“I heard you were hurt but I did not expect you to be in such… a state.”
Marianne who managed to clearly convey her emotion despite using ambiguous words, was a n.o.ble though and through. I, who was in “such a state” like she said, could only laugh and say,
“My injury is not really problematic. I simply need to rest because of the high fever. I just have to be careful and take care. The fever is already gone.”
Staring at me without saying anything, Marianne sighed once again. Then, she gently touched the right hand I had injured. Although I screamed in pain when it was sutured, it seemed it wasn"t unusual for a patient to struggle even for a wound like mine, neither deep nor shallow, and the doctor had praised me, saying “You endured it well.” He then added while shaking his head in pity that it was rare for a young aristocrat lady to sustain such an important wound. The person who were not used to pain might even had faint long ago. “In the past, did you receive a serious injury somewhere?” It wasn"t like he was doubting me, but when he asked me that question with such a deep wondering and surprised expression, I could only hang my head.
In this life, I had never sustained any injury.
But in the lives I had experienced, I had. I even had to endure the pain of giving birth. As well as all the pain I felt when my life ended.
“… Will a scar remain?”
The question that was softly asked like something weighting on the end of your tongue but you were forced to push out, was probably what she wanted the most to hear about.
“Ah, the scar, right… The doctor said there will probably be one, yes. Because, aside from the depth of the wound, it seems that injuries caused by an edged tool often leave a mark.”
“… An edge tool, you said?”
Even though I answered her question, she appeared to be more bothered by “what” had caused the wound than the remaining scar.
“The details are… a bit hard to explain…”
But I said that and smiled with a troubled expression that showed I didn"t wish for her to continue to enquire about it.
“Ilysama.”
“Yes.”
“…I think it is not something I should say but, there is a tendency to avoid bloodshed in the high society.”
I didn"t know whether you could call what happened between mother and me a bloodshed. But, what actually happened and how other people perceived it were two different stories. When a n.o.ble daughter who shouldn"t be exposed to dispute was wounded, you couldn"t think about many causes and explanations. Everyone would think she got involved in some king of quarrel. Or maybe, she was the one who caused it. Actually, since the wound of my arm was caused by a knife, even if you called it an accident, it is an injury someone else gave me. If you didn"t call this a quarrel, I didn"t know how to name it.
“And Soleil-sama is?”
Seeing me so quiet, Marianne bent her body forward and asked me that question.
“He has been told I was hurt.”
“Then, did he say anything?”
“… Because this matter was reported via a letter, the response has yet to come…”
“Is that so.”
“But, later today, we are supposed to meet.”
Even though I myself thought I was stupid for having such a reaction, but when I imagined that oncoming moment, I felt my fingers shake. I did not think he would break our engagement. If a subst.i.tute could be used so easily, we wouldn"t have fallen in such a complex situation to begin with. Besides, a scar was something that could be hidden by wearing long sleeves, and in the first place aristocrats wouldn"t expose their skin so much. Even if I were to wear long sleeves in the middle of summer, no one would question it. For an event like a ball, we didn"t use long-sleeves dresses, but then I only needed to wear gloves. In summary, I had many ways to hide it. Regarding the persons who would make too many inquiries about it, I would simply stay quiet and laugh. After all, as Soleil"s fiancé, I was someone who would soon enter the marquis" household. This simple fact should be enough to keep other in check.
However, it was also true that I couldn"t say this reasoning was absolute. Even though it was a fixed position I never managed to get separated from, not only in this life but in all the precedent ones, with only this mere scar, I might lose it. That"s right. With only this “mere scar”. Compared to all the things I had done until now, injuring my arms wasn"t a big deal. Yet…
“Ilysama…”
Marianne made a saddened expression. Her hand approached me and patted my arm from right to left to gently comfort me. Because it was on top of my bandages it was hard to tell, but I sensed it gently brush my hand. Since I received the doctor"s examination, she had been the only person to do that. Neither father nor mother had showed up since that day. Silvia had come many times in the room, but because everything was hazy due to my high fever, I didn"t remember having held a real conversation with her. After my fever fell down, maybe she hesitated, or was stopped by our parents, but this time she hadn"t come. It"s me who had driven away her extended hand, yet for some reason, my little sister"s att.i.tude made me feel hurt.
“Marianne-sama, I…” am alright, was what I thought to say but the words didn"t come out.
My voice called out her name then stopped unnaturally. For a little while, we stared at each other. The more I thought I should say something, the more nothing would come out. And so, I kept opening and closing my mouth. I repeated that stupid motions. Seeing me like this, she made an intense and earnest expression and drew closer to me. “Because no one else is here, if you want to have a secret talk, it is now or never.” After saying so in a whispering voice, she leaned her ear toward me. Confronted to this att.i.tude that seemed to say she wouldn"t fail to hear even the smallest voice, strength suddenly left me.
“…Marianne-sama, do you remember what you once told me in the library of the academy?”
While I thought not even one word would come out, a question even I wasn"t aware I had smoothly escaped my mouth. Her eyes decorated by these golden eyebrows that added a touch of charm blinked once. Then, she deeply nodded,
“Of course. My feelings haven"t changed since that time, Ilysama.”
“…”
“If there is anything I can do, you can ask me anytime. No matter what it is.”
There wasn"t the slightest trace of hesitation in that smiling figure. No matter how absurd a promise it may sound nor how preposterous my request might be, because that promise was made by her, who came from the first-ranked count"s house, she would surely mostly fulfill it. That"s precisely why,
“Won"t you ask me the reason? The reason why I would borrow your hand, Marianne-sama?”
I couldn"t not confirm it. For a few seconds her eyes wandered around, indecisive. But it only lasted a brief instant. She corrected her posture that was leaning toward me and stretching out her back, she declared,
“This is not necessary. I am thinking like this. Would it not be fine if at least once in my life, I tried to do my utmost for a friend?”
But as expected, I cannot put my life on the line, she said, giving me a broad and elegant smile. Her words made me gasp in surprise. No matter how many times I repeated my life, a friend who would tell me such words never appeared. I had always been alone, unable to move.
“… I do not remember having done anything that would make you go so far…”
My perplexity exceeded my joy or happiness. I was plainly bewildered.
“Ilysama. I do not understand well what the thing called friends.h.i.+p is. … Because I am someone who live in the aristocratic world, I even doubt if such a thing exists to begin with.”
“… Well, I guess you are right.”
“But, if it is about love, I think I understand.”
“… About love?”
“Yes. Because I believe in the existence of love. I also think there exists a love that can be offered to my friends. And also, there is no need to have a reason to love.”
“…”
“And so, Ilysama, I want to offer you my friends.h.i.+p.”
She said this as if she was someone who had never seen the dark side of the world. These words of her, a person who had probably only live in a place basking in soft suns.h.i.+ne, emitted a kind of radiance and sunk into my chest. I frantically endured the urge to cry. Waterdrops fell down one by one, despite my dried-up soul.
I was lonely, pained, and sad. But, right now, for a short moment, it wasn"t the only emotions I felt. To clear away my blurring vision, I strongly closed my eyes. After staying like this for a little while, when I opened them, I saw her looking at me in wonder.
“… Then, I will take my leave soon.” She said as she stood up.
“… It is already time?”
I tried to pretend as much as possible to not care about it, but I didn"t know if I manage to do it well. She tilted her head a little and made a bitter smile.
“Well, it seems Soleil-sama will also come soon. Today, I only came to see how you were doing, Ilysama.”
I tried to get up to see Marianne off, but my left hand unreliably slipped on the sheets. Still, I tried to correct my posture but in a fluttered Marianne told me, “Please, stay like this,” while pus.h.i.+ng down my shoulders. In fact it was difficult and painful to raise my upper body so while I was apologetic, I still accepted her offer. Quite satisfied with my att.i.tude, she bowed her head and left.
As I was following her retreating back with my eyes, she looked over her shoulder.
“Ilysama, sometimes in life, there are occasions when you cannot achieve anything with your own strength alone.”
“… Well, yes… that is true.”
I couldn"t guess the true meaning she was hinting at. Marianne gaze wandered around, somewhat vacant. Was she looking in the distance, or was she looking at something that was distant? Anyhow, her line of sight was directed toward me, but it seemed she wasn"t looking at me.
“There are people who say fate can be changed. We call it fate precisely because it is something that cannot be altered no matter how we try to change it. If you manage to change it, that means it is already no longer your destiny. And…”
“And?”
“And I think the things that absolutely cannot be avoided are called predestinated.”
“… Predestinated…”
“No, it"s not quite right. Rather than saying you cannot avoided them, there are some things that shouldn"t be avoided.”
… … They shouldn"t be avoided.
“It"s precisely because you ought to never avoid them that they might be changeable and uncertain.”
Talking slowly as if carefully selecting each word, she was no longer smiling. Her face that didn"t show any emotion and her fingertips that were completely unmoving made her looked like a puppet. As if she was manipulated by “something.” Her tone was cold, apathic, unimpressive. Chills run down my back.
“… Oh, that"s quite unusual.”
But, unconcerned by what I was thinking, Marianne suddenly exclaimed with an idiotic voice. This time, a distinctive expression of surprise appeared on her face. As if she had forgotten what she was talking about a moment ago. Her gaze went pa.s.s me, directed to the further window from the entrance of the room.
“It"s a black bird.”
The one who gasped in surprise, was it me, or was it her? When I turned over, on the fence outside the window, there truly was a bird perched there, a bird whose feathers seemed to have been coat with ebony. Just as extended a hand toward Crow, I realized his eyes were the same color as its feathers. The Crow who sometimes imitated the appearance of a bird, had amber eyes, so I knew it wasn"t him.
But, but.
“… Marianne-sama, do you know the name of that bird?”
“No. I have never seen a bird such like this one. A pitch-black bird…”
While we were talking, the black bird flapped its winds and flew off.
“No, I was wrong. Ilysama, as expected, I might have seen it wrongly. Black birds are not something that is supposed to exist. Surely, it must have been dark grey. Or maybe, a deep, dark blue like the color at the bottom of the sea.”
Marianne"s laughing voice echoed from a distance. The first time Crow came, he had said,
“Do you know my name?”
“My name is Crow.”
… … The bird portentous of ill omen.
Nocta"s thoughts:
You thought Crow was here right? Bad luck! Continue to miss him!
I was disappointed that Ilya didn"t talk more with Marianne. Just when I thought she would speak, Marianne left. Tsssss.
And what was important was the scar. In chapter 35, it was only mentioned in one sentence:
“When I stood up while listening to father"s hoa.r.s.e voice, blood dropped down on the carpet. I thought it was only a scratch, but it might not be so. Rather, it might be quite deep.
… … Deep enough to leave a scar behind.”
Yet, it might even provoke the annulation of her engagement. Yep, in stories with n.o.ble society, a girl who has a scar often cannot get married. We"ll see where things go in the following chapters.