Even I know the fear of losing someone I love.
More so than anyone else, because I was afraid from the bottom of my heart that I myself would lose Soleil-sama.
That’s why, I tried hard not to be hated by him.
“Did I do something wrong?”
The words which slipped out of my mouth unintentionally sounded throughout the silent room which returned to being silent again unexpectedly.
“Ojousama?”
The man who was my escort knight since my childhood calls out from the corner of the room.
He does not call me madam, he is still the only one who calls me in same way as my single days.
I don’t understand why he will do so, but he does not stop calling me every time even if I don’t like it.
It may be because he can not see me as an adult woman because we have been together since I was young, but my chest feels tight as he doesn’t recognize me as Soleil-sama’s wife.
As always, just being able to smile and pa.s.s this away was impossible at this moment.
If I am not careful, I will start crying, so I tightly close my eyes and bear it.
A week after the serious news about Sylvia arrived.
I heard that Sylvia somehow managed to escape death.
However, the situation seems to be unpredictable, it seems that they can not take their eyes off yet.
I surely heard that someone is a.s.signed to her side.
After Soleil-sama went back to Sylvia, he did not come back to the mansion since.
Speaking of myself, the situation is such that my head would not rise from terrible morning sickness, either.
I am tied to the bed as I was after collapsing at the entrance hall.
As there is a possibility that the child may drift if I forced myself, the doctor was keen to remind that it was complete bedrest for a while.
I knew that I had to head to my parent’s home immediately, but I can not do anything with my own will.
I was in a bad shape.
If I ride on a carriage, my stomach will not come back to normal as it will turn upside down.
Nonetheless, if I give priority to Sylvia, as an normal elder sister, I think that I should head for my sister.
She is my family, as an elder sister, my ideals tell me that.
The ideals that I have imagined, say so.
But, though.
The more days pa.s.s, the more I do not know what kind of face I should make and meet her.
I heard that she escaped the death and there is still more.
Even more so I heard that her consciousness has returned.
Even more as I think that Soleil-sama will be beside her.
I must go. Even though I think so, my legs will not move because I do not understand what I should do.
It would have been possible to go meet with the face of a gentle elder sister, to Sylvia without consciousness.
I could have grabbed that powerless hand, I might’ve devoted my prayers if she were alive.
All the real intention would have been to be able play an admirable elder sister in the heart.
But, before Silvia who regained consciousness, I can not predict what kind of action I will take.
I’m sure, I will blame that girl.
Even if I seal my words, I will tell her with my own eyes.
Why are you alive?
“Hey, would you come here for a while?”
I called the escort standing near the door.
Although he showed a little hesitation, but eventually he came close to the place where he was a bit away from the bed.
Originally, even though he was a guard, it was not praised that two people were alone in the bedroom.
But now with the absence of master, most men were dispatched and there was no one to look at it.
“I have a favor to ask.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“… won’t you hold my hand?”
“Huh, no, that …that is …”
I smile bitterly at the escort who was clearly confused.
“That’s right, after all it’s useless.”
The hand that I held out fell onto the bed weakly.
I can see that my fingertips are turning cold.
“Hey, Al,”
“… Yes,”
“I, how long should I try my best?”
“Ojousama,”
The clear blue eyes waver, if I look up.
His blonde hair looked gentle.
The only s.h.i.+eld that protects me.
When I was caught as a sinner in the first life, he was an escort knight and he was also considered an accomplice.
A single woman alone would not able to be perform the acc.u.mulated crimes at all.
Of course. Because it was a false charge in the first place.
So just to match the unnatural and mysterious scenarios, they seized him who was supposed to be innocent.
It was a prisoner whose name i don’t know told me.
He did not tell me kindly.
Because of you, one knight will die. He told me to remember it.
So, in order to not get too close in my life this time, I carefully planned to keep my distance away just so that it was not too far away.
Because I did not want to involve him in my life.
“You don’t have to hold hands, so can you stay there?”
“Yes, of course. Ojousama”
The guard with a knee down stared at me with the same eyes.
It looked clear like a lake surface.
In a room which was quiet and silent, the gazes collide and create a small squeaky sound, I felt it.
“Ojousama”
“… What?”
“I do not mind listening to mere silly talk.”
“… it is a bad way of saying it. It is same as to say that I do not intend to listen,”
If I laugh, I pull the eyebrows little as if looking at a totally pitiful thing.
“If Ojousama wants, I will always offer this hand. Really, if you wish for it.”
“…!”
“Because, this hand is always for Ojousama.”
The words are sweet and gentle but no matter how sweet, The words that were spit out like a crush shows that it should never be forgiven.
It is a different nuance than I said that I just want you to hold my hand.
The weight of that word.
That is to say, the truth is that he will hold out his hand.
He will throw away the pride of the knight, holding a sword.
It is not difficult to run away taking his hand here now.
However, there is no need to imagine the fate of the fugitive.
Because there is no place where you can live by, turning the Marquis into enemies.
Even so, as I am pregnant with an heir in this body, the Marquis household will become frantic and will surely find me.
From the family status, from the bloodline, it is obvious that we will be searched through out the country.
I can not afford to involve this kind person in such a life.
He is a man who has worked hard to become a knight.
It was exactly the same as mine who was brought up to be a lady of the Marquis household.
I can not let the journey this far be abandoned, only for me.
“I heard it. It was really a silly talk.”
“…”
When I said that, the escort knight laughed weakly.
The remarks themselves may be charged for crime of tempting abscondence.
(Tln- abscondence means fugitive concealment, hiding)
That is why, he should have prepared a considerable amount of effort, the moment he said that he would give out his hand.
I know his preparedness, I will not take that hand.
And, I will never choose that hand.
When I met Soleil-sama, I decided to become his wife.
Though it was a course decided by people, but I was never reluctant at all.
Political marriage without feelings is common in aristocratic society, I even thought that myself who was able to embrace Soleil-sama was fortunate.
While I was young I understood my role properly, but at the same time I had a dream.
I believed that there is no pitfall in the future where I will walk with people I like.
I intended to wait till then, that he would also think of me someday.
Perhaps I will still keep on seeing that dream.
No matter how disappointing, the happy future once held in my heart will never depart from my heart.
Even if I understand how foolish it is.
“So, I’m sorry, Al”
I muttered in the darkness while I fell asleep, though I do not know whether my voice reached.
There was no reply from the escort knight.
Forgive me who was stupid, who ignored your preparedness as a joke and threw it away.
Since my physical condition recovered considerably, I visited my sister only once.
Soleil-sama who returned to the mansion for work, asked me go to visit Sylvia.
Clearly, I was wondering why I should not go visit her, so I began to feel awkward without any effort.
After replying, I notice the unnaturalness of this conversation.
Originally, this is a scenario where I must appeal to Soleil-sama as an elder sister.
While I cheer up my sister who fell ill, I will appeal to my husband. It is better that way.
I wonder how good it would have been if I could say that I intended to go on without saying anything.
But, I could not say it.
If possible, I didn’t want to meet her.
What kind of face would I make, and in what light should I see that child?
I did not understand. I could not understand anything.
“Please go together with me.”
The words burned and disappeared inside my mouth.
—– And then I went to see my sister in the end, being asked by Soleil-sama.
This is the first time in a while that I visited my parent’s house alone, the place was sunk in silence.
Now that the single light called Sylvia is losing its radiance, it looked like the inside of the mansion had just lost it’s light.
Sylvia is still on the bed, but my mother laughs unreliably as she has recovered enough to get up.
The dark circles under the eyes and redness of the corners of her eyes is pitiful.
“Somehow, I recovered by the time I could talk,”
Still, she has not much time again. Her voice was trembling while she was talking to me.
As I stepped into my sister’s room, I found the shadows of death that she could not get rid of were approaching there immediately.
My younger sister seemed more spiraling than ever, it seemed hard for her to even breathe was gazing at me intently.
(Tln- inuku means giving someone penetrating look)
She was still very beautiful in her sickbed, either she reflected the true beauty, or she wore the appearance of it’s shadow.
“Onee-sama, I’m sorry.”
What should I have spoken to my younger sister who muttered as soon as she saw me?
I stroked my slightly hanging stomach while thinking if I was an unjust human being, if I thought about the kind of things I would like to ask my sister who was dying.
When I told that I was pregnant, Soleil-sama who had returned to the mansion for work smiled and said “Is that so?”.
That face was certainly smiling, but there was no emotions, it was a cold voice.
He was not pleased. But he will not deny it either.
He acknowledged me as his subordinates who just completed her mission, it seemed just like that.
“I like Soleil-sama,”
Sylvia crossed her thin fingers powerlessly as dead branches in front of her chest.
It seems that she was dedicating her prayers, and she also seemed to be confessing.
Even though she got thinner and lost her color, tears started falling her still glossy cheeks.
“I’ll die soon,”
So, please, forgive me.
[(Tln- I think the line above should’ve been inside the quotient mark but the author wrote it that way. Here’s the line =
???????????
I was thinking that such a thing was improper when Sylvia stopped adressing him as “Onii-sama” unnoticed as she was still lying down because of the disease.
Among the smell of the medicines, I have a feeling that there was the fragrance of the tea which Soleil-sama prefers.
I spent so much time in this room, I started looking at the decoration of my younger sister’s room who had girlish hobbies.
It is a bit ridiculous to think that the unfriendly Soleil-sama is spending his time here, I am envious of my sister who kept him in such an uncomfortable room.
“Elder sister, I am scared of being alone. I am scared to die alone.”
My sister’s voice pa.s.ses through my ear.
I have never heard any words that affected my heart like that.
If we are determined to die, will we be allowed to forgive whatever we want?
Do I have to forgive a person who is about to die soon?
After all, I could not give a single word to my sister.
Even if I allow it or do not allow it, even if I hate her and hate it, it was merely a single word.
I could not even say that, It was good to be alive.
On that night, Soleil-sama came back to the mansion and told me.
Sylvia was crying.
“I heard that you went to see sylvia, what on earth did you say to Sylvia?”
While looking at that cold face, I replied “nothing”.
Other than that I could not find any word, and that was the truth.
Then, Soleil-sama made an utterly disappointed face and said, “Don’t lie.”
Don’t lie.
If you think about what you have done so far, I can not trust your words.
You have deceived many people with that face and its voice.
I am disgusted.
Is that child really my child?
—–I thought that it was surely such a thing that can deal a fatal blow.
You can kill people without physically stabbing them with a blade.
I felt like screaming, and eventually, I felt like I could not even raise my voice.
The world lost it’s colors. My heart was crushed.
Once again, I was back on the bed again.
“If you go in this state, as the mother you will be exposed to danger. There’s still time now. You should to give up your child.”
Old doctor took my hand with the face that can be said was full of grief.It was only this doctor that held my hand without hesitation,as if it was nothing.
“… No, doctor.”
If it’s possible, I do not want to give up this child.
Certainly, because a child similar to Soleil-sama must be born.
I will use my child, in order to prove my innocence.
Ah, I see.
So, will Soleil-sama go away from me?
Suddenly, everything fell into my comprehension.
As Soleil-sama said.
I have been using too many people as stepping stones to prove my love for Soleil-sama.
I looked alright, and trempled on someone without any concern.
At that time, I thought that I must do it.
Because otherwise it was difficult to protect my own thoughts.
I intended to have chosen the right path.
—– And after a few months, I gave birth to a child with the same hair color as Soleil-sama.
However, I do not know the color of his eyes.
Although I was barely able to give birth to a child, but I died without holding that child in my hands.
After all, it became exactly as the doctor was thinking.
At that moment when my consciousness was fading, I felt like I saw the golden hair of the escort knight on the other side of my narrow sight, but it might’ve been an illusion, too.
Before I knew it, escorting me was carried out by a different person.
At the end of my time, there was no one left by my side.
Soleil-sama attended to my little sister, he did not come back to the mansion even the day my child was born, he did not even encourage his wife.
Even as an illusion, Soleil-sama did not come back to my side.
I’m lonely.
I’m sad.
Soleil-sama is beside Sylvia who said that she was scared to die alone.
I am scared. Even I am helplessly afraid.
I don’t want it anymore.
I will never do such a thing again.
I will never be born again.
Certainly, I should not live in such a world.
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To my new readers, i possibly can not match the previous translator. But i am trying my best. So bear with me. This chapter is currently unedited now. I will have GoldenOwl edit it by tommorow.