7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 10
I thought that the expression “to be etched into one"s mind,” was surely what I was experiencing now. When I closed my eyes, I didn"t even need to search in my memory. It wasn"t just her silhouette bur her whole features that I would recall. Without any real difficulty, I could always remember her, like it was the most natural thing. It was probably because, as the expression suggested, her face has been scorched into my mind.
... ... That day, I had been wrong about anything and everything.
After I had poured cruel words on Ilya, as if showering her with cold water, I suddenly calmed down and came back to my senses. Then, with my thoughts still uncollected, I left her side without smoothing over what I had said. I just thought it would be better to let some time pa.s.s. You could say I didn"t take anything else into consideration. Neither I nor her were in a state to have a calm conversation as we had both be overly stimulated. She also said, “I want to be alone,” with an absent-minded expression. Even if I were to talk to her in this state, I doubted she would have heard my voice. That"s why in the end, I left that place, leaving behind only a few words “I"ll come again tomorrow.” I didn"t hear any answer.
Not knowing what sort of situation this would bring about had been very thoughtless of me.
I remember having left with painful reluctance, but just like I had done when coming in, I jumped from the window and flew off in the sky. With the form of a bird I flew in the darkness where neither the moon nor the stars were s.h.i.+ning. Being alone in this wriggling ocean of pitch-black waves, I became uneasy, a.s.saulted by the feeling I was being abandoned. However, at the same time, I also felt that my stormy heart was quietening down. I didn"t know how long I flew for. But, eventually, above the ground, I discovered a white light. When I strained my eyes carefully, I realized that small flowers were blooming, huddled together. They were on a little hill. For a second, I wondered if stardust hadn"t been scattered on the ground. I laughed at myself for having had such a thought and when I went down with a bitter smile, those flowers danced with vigor. I was so fascinated by this rather phantasmatic scene that I forgot to even blink, and I suddenly remembered
There were her favorite white flowers.
I didn"t know their name, but they were simple albeit attractive lovely flowers. Somehow, they suited Ilya. While thinking this, I casually pluck one flower at my feet. Although I felt a bit pathetic, when I tried to imagine what kind of expression Ilya would make if I handed her over a bunch of these flowers, my expression softened spontaneously.
That"s it. Tomorrow morning, I"ll bring these flowers and I"ll visit her again.
I"ll apologize for saying harsh things and I"ll listen to her story one more time. It"s impossible to revive the past again and again. Yet, there was a possibility she misunderstood something. If we could discuss everything more properly, the facts that"ll come out might be completely different. For example, maybe she had memories of what was called her previous life, and she wasn"t going back to the past at all. After all, this possibility had a much higher credibility. Even though it could be thought everything was an illusion to begin with.
Anyway, we needed to talk about it one more time.
With that thought in mind, I picked as much flowers as I could hold in both hands. A bouquet of only wildflowers seemed lonesome, so when morning come, I"ll go to the flower shop to buy more flowers. She might be angry, but if I sincerely lower my head and apologize, she"ll forgive me. Even if she doesn"t, then I can simply apologize again and again.
As the sun rose, I went into town and bought so much flowers I almost couldn"t held them all. While I was at it, I aimlessly wandered around the city. It was still very early, yet the town was already awake, many shops had started their business. It has truly been a long time since I last walked in human form among so many people, so I was pretty nervous. From time to time the people I pa.s.sed by glanced at my black robe but they didn"t say anything in particular. It seemed I had blended in successfully.
For today at least, I won"t enter from the window but visit her from the front door instead. While I was so eager to do so, I laughed a little. Even though I was merely going to see someone, fighting spirit was needed. However, since I was about to visit a n.o.ble"s estate, I couldn"t relax my vigilance. The people who would pay a visit to Ilya and called her name were few so the servants will probably be quite puzzled, but I had a letter of introduction from Ilya.
Her wry smile as she said, “Occasionally, you could come by the entrance,” crossed my mind. While writing up a few lines, Ilya had whispered to herself, “To begin with, I wonder if others can see Crow or not...?” Not minding my absence of answer, she had smiled and said next, “As my name is written on it, you can come in just by showing this.” Aristocrats were indeed people who placed a great emphasis on protocol and customs. I knew since I had lived in this world long ago. When you went to visit a n.o.ble"s estate, you couldn"t just suddenly show up and knock on the doors, saying you were an acquaintance, and hope to get invited inside. It was better to send away any suspicious individual and, in some case, to restrain them. That"s why it was necessary to have made an appointment beforehand, or in an emergency, to have the recommendation of an appropriate person.
“Hm, I"m going to say I"m a friend from our time at the academy.”
Ilya had seemed to look forward to it. Her face had looked so innocent at that time I remembered it well. Her introduction letter was right there now. Maybe I thought I wouldn"t have the occasion to use it. However, for today at least, I"ll appear as her “friend” and knock at the mansion doors. I wanted to show off in front of her surroundings. Show off that Ilya had allies. She wasn"t alone, there were trustworthy people by her side, and she too was a human being who relied on others. I didn"t want her to remain someone who was robbed of everything by her sister. But, even so. Even so, if I couldn"t save Ilya. Preferably, shall I take her out of town?
In truth, it wasn"t good for a person like me who existed out of “the principles of the world” to b.u.t.t in, moreover involving myself too much in her life could cause problems too. Well, it"s not like anyone had said anything would really happen, but I thought so. However, I should no longer turn a blind eye to her situation.
“.... A friend of, Madame...?”
The first person who interacted with me when I came to the estate was Soleil"s exclusive butler. I had seen him from afar, but naturally, it was the first time I was facing him so close as well as having a conversation. He was a lot younger than I thought. While making a blatantly doubtful expression, he verified the letter I had presented. Then, a slightly surprised expression appeared on his face and right after having told me to wait here, he disappeared in the depths of the mansion.
Left behind in the entrance hall, I wonder how long I was made to wait?
“The friend of my sister, is that you?”
The next person to appear was Ilya"s littler sister. In my heart, I wondered why she was here? But right after that, I remembered what Ilya had told me. That"s right. She was pregnant with Soleil"s child. Therefore, she was probably staying in this mansion rather than returning to her own. As if to show that the news she was pregnant wasn"t a thoughtless remark, a girl smaller than Ilya was softly caressing her belly. She surely did that unconsciously, yet it somehow disgusted me. Even if it"s just a casual gesture, when I thought Ilya might see it, I felt pained.
“Are you doubting me?”
Reflexively, the girl stared fixedly at my face after I said that. I heard she was often confined to bed since her childhood, but from a complete stranger"s point of view, while she was slenderer than the average person, she wasn"t thinner. Rather, the humans who were forced to live in utter poverty in the streets seemed much weaker to me.
“No. I took a look at the letter big sister has written. It is indeed her handwriting.”
My sister is in her room, I will guide you there, she said, behaving as if she was a person from this house. I tilted my head in puzzlement, feeling how out of place it was for her who was neither the master of the house nor a servant to invite a guest in. Yet she wasn"t even aware how unnatural and inappropriate it was. As she walked in front of me, her back seemed overly too confident and unashamed, she was showing no sign of being in someone"s else house.
“... These flowers, are they for my sister?”
The estate built for the next marquis was too s.p.a.cious and wide. It couldn"t be compared to the mansion I lived in the past. You wouldn"t be able to remember where what was after just one visit. As I was walking around while observing my surroundings, a shy voice came from the front.
“Yes. I... well. I had a quarrel with her.”
I didn"t know why I answered her honestly. But, what spilled out of my mouth on the spur of the moment was simply the truth. I couldn"t even nuance what I said. I didn"t know what she thought when she heard my voice, but the shoulders of the girl walking in front of me twitched and she shrunk on herself.
“... Is, that so?”
Her soft and unreliable whispering voice was trembling.
“I, have never quarreled with my big sister. She is always very kind to me... ...”
I was on the edge of speaking up to say, “Yet, taking advantage of that kindness, you had a relations.h.i.+p with your sister"s husband, didn"t you?” But I didn"t.
“... But, surely, this was only because... big sister was enduring and taking it on herself...”
Big sister is always like this, started to say Sylvia before swallowing back her words. Her face I was seeing from the side had turned pale, but still, she didn"t look like she was ashamed of her own deeds. That girl who was making the gesture of holding her stomach with both hands as if to care for it might already have developed her self-consciousness as a mother. She probably didn"t want her own child to be born out of her past mistake.
However. Such a thing was too selfish. Besides, it was also cruel.
Ilya was always trying to become a good elder sister, a good wife, a good human being and to do that she sliced off her heart. And yet, it never paid off, not even once. She didn"t receive a single thing in reward.
Such a life, was way too...
“Pathetic.”
... ... Even though she was so craving for affection. Even though she wanted to be loved so much. The thing she desired the most, could never be obtained no matter what she did.
“... Did you say something just now?”
“...”
“?”
Not good. All of this, is not good. Even if that girl hates it, I"ll take her hand and take her from here.
“... Hm, it"s here. Big sister"s room is...”
The place we finally arrived at was a door upon which a firm lock shone a dull light. As I saw the door to her room for the first time, my back suddenly started to shake. The intend behind putting a lock on a door was to imprison someone inside. The subject of that imprisonment was the master of the room, the solitary Ilya. As I always came and left from the window, carefreely, I didn"t know of this lock. Now that I thought of it, didn"t her parent"s house have the same things? As I had lost my words, Silvia"s awkward gaze unpleasantly wandered on me.
“Last night... she seemed to have been terribly upset so...”
But the lock has already been opened, she said. We weren"t sure what she might do during the night so we locked the door just for caution"s sake, but the lock should have been opened near dawn. In fact, the padlock installed on a high position wasn"t currently fulfilling its function but was simply dangling off the door. Standing in front of this door, Silvia knocked carefully. The helpless knocking sound echoed in the silent corridor.
“... ... Big sister? You have a guest..."
Maybe she didn"t hear that reserved voice as there was no answer. Yesterday night, we had talked until very late, so she might still be sleeping. If so, she will be confused if she"s suddenly told she has a visitor. She might not have changed her clothes yet. Thoughtfully, I was about to talk to Silvia but with her personality that girl was absolutely not mindful of such things. Before I noticed her hand was already reaching for the door k.n.o.b.
The door opened all too easily.
But in my eyes, the motion of that door appeared awfully slow. Silvia who stood just in front of me let out a short cry, and as if responding to it, the ground shook. Looking down at my feet without thinking, I realized the flowers bouquet I was carrying earlier had fallen. But, mere flowers couldn"t shake the floor. I understood it was me who was staggering.
Finally, Silvia let out a long, long shriek.
When I looked up again, I saw Ilya on the other side of the opened door. Her stagnant gaze was turned toward us. A tuft of her long hairs casted a shadow on her white face. Her hairs were swaying, and for the first time, I saw that her toes were “floating in the air.”
“... No, no, big sister, big sister!!”
I pa.s.sed by Silvia who kept screaming while sitting on the ground, probably unable to stand up due to the shock, and I entered the room. I felt that people had started to gather behind me but I had no time to spare nor mind them. I wanted to help Ilya.
She seemed to be in pain. Her white lips were half-opened, as if even now she was trying to appeal for something, yet her voice couldn"t come out. ... Because her neck was broken. There were no doubts she couldn"t breath too. A long cord extending from Ilya"s neck was coiled around the chain of the ceiling light. From the start, I had thought this light was hanged way too low, but I never ever considered it would be used like this. Would anyone have been able to foresee such a thing? If we didn"t put her down soon, the ornament of the lighting could be damaged or the cord around her neck might be torn off. If this were to happen, Ilya"s body would fall on the ground and might be injured.
That"s why, quickly. I must quickly help her.
Trying to stir up my feeling in a hurry, I approached Ilya. Yet, no one behind me followed. When I turned around to see what the h.e.l.l they were doing, I saw a red stain spreading at Silvia"s feet. The servants were crowding around her, moving left and right while screaming something. Like “someone, call the doctor,” or “inform Soleil-sama,” and such. They were all screaming at the same time, saying different things so I couldn"t really catch their words. They didn"t seem to have noticed anything else. Whereas Silvia lost all color on her face and slowly fell forward while embracing her stomach. Whether it was due to the pain or because of the mental shock, it was difficult for her to maintain her consciousness.
Her voice kept whispering, “... big sister, big sister.” It sounded like she was crying, but such a voice was lost in the ambient noise and chaos. Trampled by the servants, the white flowers wreckages vainly danced in the air.
What was I thinking when I picked those flowers? She would surely be surprised but pleased. That was my expectation. Meanwhile, was Ilya tying that rope around her neck?
“Silvisama, please, by all means, do not do anything ras.h.!.+”
Maybe she had finally lost consciousness as she was carried away by several servants. The following moment, all the maids and butlers were gone. Only Ilya and I remained there.
The light of the morning sun that entered through the big window shone on her thin body which casted a shadow inside the room. Had no one noticed Ilya? No, it was impossible to have not seen her. ... They noticed and put it off. The one carrying the child of Soleil, the marquis"s heir, was none other than Silvia. It was quite natural for her to be prioritized. It was natural, from a worldwide perspective.
But, but.
“Ilya.”
The girl who said she kept repeating her life over and over. Who lamented that she could only pursue a sorrowful fate. To such a girl, I said we must be in some sort of h.e.l.l. But Ilya didn"t answer anything.
Actually, such a h.e.l.lish place existed.
When I reached out, I was able to touch Ilya"s feet which were floating in the air. Just as I was pondering how I could take her down, the chandelier chain broke down with a loud noise. Accompanied by a firm weight, Ilya felt right into my arms. Her eyes were still opened. This appearance made it looked like she was surprised by something, or that she was straining her eyes to see through something. When I gaze into these eyes, I saw the reflection of my own face. In the cloudy eyes, I saw my own stagnant face.
“Ilya. ... There is no one anymore. So, you can close your eyes now, it"s fine.”
I tried to tell her she didn"t have to see anything else anymore, but my throat shook and my voice couldn"t come out well. Ilya naturally didn"t answer. Even though she was looking at me, in reality she wasn"t seeing anything. Anyone could understand she had already pa.s.sed away. Still, I ended up hoping she would start breathing again. I hoped that by continuing to call her name, she would finally blink and address me a little smile. That she would tell me, I heard you, no need to call me so much.
However, no matter how many times I said her name, she never answered.
That"s why, I decided to take her out with me as I had planned at first. Carrying her thin and fragile body wrapped in a sheet, I left the mansion. Although I went out from the main entrance dignifiedly and confidently, it was laughable no one tried to stop me. I did pa.s.s by several servants, but every one of them seemed busy, no one even sparing me a glance. Looked like they were preoccupied about Silvia who had pa.s.sed out.
I continued to walk while carrying Ilya on my back and left the city I had pa.s.sed through earlier. Eventually, we entered the mountains but I kept walking nonetheless. She was so light it didn"t feel like I was carrying one person. My legs didn"t become heavy, there was no sense of tiredness. Meanwhile, the sun went down, darkness shallowed everything. When the stars glittered and the moon wrapped us of its light, at that moment, suddenly, I almost cry. But I absolutely mustn"t. At this frustrating thought, I swallowed down my breath.
“Ilya, look. It"ll be dawn soon.”
I didn"t know how long I had walked for but the deep blue sky started to slowly turn grey. I sat down at the roots of a soaring large tree which looked like the lord of the mountain and laid her down. In her eyes that were looking up vacantly at the air, the morning sun that had barely started to show itself was reflected. I laid down beside Ilya, grasped her cold hand and embraced her body. I didn"t know why I did this. But it might be because Ilya looked cold.
However, my hand that didn"t have any warmth shouldn"t have been able to warm her up.
“Ilya.”
Again, I meaninglessly called her name. Then I waited a little. Because it felt like I could hear a reply, I called her name once more. After several repet.i.tive and meaningless attempts, I closed her eyes. The instant my fingertips touched her soft eyelashes, drops of water fell on her cheeks. Wondering if they were raindrops, I looked up at the sky, but it hadn"t changed since a while ago and there wasn"t even one cloud in sight. It was at that moment I realized I was crying.
It"s almost like I"m human, I laughed, and then my tears stop flowing.
At least once in their life, most humans will experience an excruciating pain that"ll make them want to cover their eyes or scream. An experience that"ll make them think there was no light left anywhere anymore or that they no longer wanted to see tomorrow come. Yet, tomorrow will inevitably come, and the sun will rise.
It will, as long as they are alive.
“...... Ilya, it"ll be morning, soon...”
I was a doll, so in reality I wasn"t breathing. Yes, I shouldn"t be breathing. Yet, right now, I couldn"t breathe.
“Rya. My black bird.”
In the depths of my ears, Emma"s voice echoed.
“You brought me such happiness.”
It was the voice of the person who was making such a gentle and serene expression as her life was ending. Even Ilya, who had received nothing but painful experiences, must have one day smile like Emma and said, “I was happy,” and thought of leaving me behind. She must have been praying for that.
Who would desire such an ending? Ilya"s room hadn"t been locked. Even though she had tried to sever her own life, she didn"t close her room from the inside, not to mention the external lock that had already been unlocked. In other words, anyone could open that door at anytime. Anyone could have saved her, and yet.
n.o.body saved her.
No one, did.
“You"ve made me happy...”
“Liar... You"re a liar. Emma...”
Saying I brought you happiness, it was just a bunch of nonsense. As I thought, I"m a bird portentous of ill omen. I"m only a bird harbinger of calamity, a bird of misfortune.
“After all, she died. ... Ilya, died...”
I wanted to curse at someone. To tell them, Ilya died because of you! A bird that bring forth misfortune should disappear all for good! But, under the sky where stars had started to twinkle, Ilya and I were alone, there was no one else. If anyone was watching, it would only be G.o.d.
The G.o.d who forsook the humans earnestly struggling to live.
I"ve lived a long, long life. It was the first time I resented G.o.d so strongly.
*
That"s how my time with her ended. ... ... how it should have ended.
However, in reality, this incident may have been just a beginning.
Nocta"s PS:
Dear M readers, here is a dustpan to retrieve the broken pieces of your hearts.
Unfortunately, I must break them even further by informing you we have caught up with the author. We"ll have to wait for her to publish a new chapter. She used to do one a month but she hasn"t written anything since last September.
Here is the link to the raw if you want to take a look at the dates she published the previous chapters to see her consistency:
I"ll naturally continue to translate when a new chapter come out. Do not worry and go read something more light-hearted in the meantime.
As for this chapter, I had a very hard time translating it. Knowing that Crow would find a dead Ilya when he"ll come back... and seeing him happily picking flowers for her hoping to reconcile with her... even the S in me rolled up into a ball in a corner. Also, I never truly hated Silvia, probably because we always saw her from Ilya"s POV, she didn"t seem so guilty. But Crow"s impression of her really made me want to struck her with the dustpan.
Now, it"s time to part. See you at some other time!