Changes in Him
Gu Mingxi, why do I always have to accommodate you in everything I do?
In the quiet room, Pang Qian returned Gu Mingxi’s gaze. She suddenly wondered what had happened during these years that made it so hard for them to separate.
At the start, they went to school together. Pang Shuisheng instructed Pang Qian, “Qian Qian, you’re Mingxi’s little sister. Mingxi doesn’t have any arms. If anyone bullies him, you have to tell the teacher. And when you come home, you have to tell me. Most importantly, if there’s something that Mingxi can’t do, you have to help him.”
Pang Qian carried this mission as she started school with Gu Mingxi. At the time, Gu Mingxi had just lost his arms one year ago. There really was so much that he couldn’t do. He had a hard time flipping the pages of books and writing things. The boxes for writing characters was so small, but when he used his feet to write, his characters were very big. He could only use a lot more time than other kids to practice each stroke after stroke.
The first week of school, Li Han had gone along. She would help Gu Mingxi, as she showed Pang Qian how to help him. And then Li Han stopped going to school with them. Pang Qian, who had just turned 6 years old, had become Gu Mingxi’s little caretaker.
When they started and finished school, Pang Qian needed to help him put on and take off his backpack. When he used his feet to put his things away, she would give him a hand, because he still wasn’t very adept at using his feet. He would often drop his books and wouldn’t be able to pick them up. When they drank milk, she had to help him insert the straw and place it by his feet. When it was time to eat, she had to help him pick up his meal. At that time, Gu Mingxi wasn’t very good at eating his food. He would always drop the food onto his clothes or his desk. Pang Qian had to help him clean up. When it was winter time, because they wore more clothes, it wasn’t easy for Gu Mingxi to move around. So then, Pang Qian had to help him eat as well.
Actually, there were so many of these kinds of things, you couldn’t count them. At school or when they had other activities, little Pang Qian was just like Gu Mingxi’s shadow. Except for when he went to the washroom, she would help him with all types of things. Help him put on his hat, help him get things, help him take off his raincoat, help him tie his shoelaces, help him buy his bus ticket, help wipe away his sweat…
This lifestyle had continued for many years, and Pang Qian had already grown accustomed to it. Gu Mingxi as well. Even though later on, Gu Mingxi had learned how to do many things on his own and didn’t need Pang Qian’s help as much, the two of them had grown used to having the other by their side.
But this kind of balance would one day be broken. They would grow up, and find their individual personalities. They’d want to have their own lives. Just like all the young boys and girls in the world, they would hate their parents sneaking looks at their diaries. They wouldn’t tell their parents all about their concerns anymore. There would be some student in their cla.s.s of the opposite s.e.x who gave them good feelings and would leave them smiling all day long. They would want to make new friends and have their own social activities, just like a grown up. They’d be interested in new and fresh things. With curiosity, they’d explore the world. They’d start chasing stars. They’d read books they didn’t use to understand. They’d start reflecting about things, and they’d become more mature.
They wouldn’t want to be constrained to the life they’ve lived so far, spending dull days one after another.
In this moment, Pang Qian suddenly thought of Xie Yi. The cool Xie Yi. The cute Xie Yi. The eccentric, unreasonable, but charming Xie Yi. Without a doubt, for Pang Qian who wasn’t yet 13 years old, the obedient, gentle, reserved Gu Mingxi wasn’t nearly as attractive as Xie Yi.
There were no young kids who didn’t envy Xie Yi.
They envied his carefree personality, unrestrained lifestyle, being able to do as he pleased. After a decade of being oppressed by her parents and teachers, Xie Yi appeared in Pang Qian’s life like a star on the horizon, shining brightly but always out of reach.
Gu Mingxi couldn’t wait for Pang Qian’s answer, so he said, “Pang Pang, really. Don’t change seats. I know that you’re unhappy sitting in the back all the time, but…”
“Gu Mingxi,” Pang Qian gently called out his name. Gu Mingxi stopped talking. Pang Qian pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, buried her chin in her knees and then looked at him.
She said, “I’ve already been your deskmate for six years, Gu Mingxi. It’s been long enough. You’re right, I don’t want to sit in the back anymore. Not even just the last row, it’s in the corner. When cla.s.s is over, no one talks to me. I don’t really know why, but w.a.n.g Tingting and I used to be really good friends, but now, she always goes to play with Zhang Wei and Qiu Lina on the weekends. She never calls me along. They all say that I’m dating you because we’re always together. They even say that I’m really lucky. I get to copy your homework and cheat off of your test, so then I get a high ranking.”
As she spoke, Pang Qian cried. She continued, with tears dropping, “Teacher Cao even said that I was only let into the fast cla.s.s because I was your deskmate. I was originally supposed to be in the slow cla.s.s. Gu Mingxi, I can never join in when the girls in cla.s.s talk to each other. And the boys are always teasing you and me. I really hate this, really. I hate it so much. Gu Mingxi, why do I always have to accommodate you in everything I do? It’s been six and a half years. That’s long enough. You’re really good at using your feet to do things now. Why do I still have to be your deskmate?”
As Pang Qian continued on, Gu Mingxi’s originally clear and bright eyes dimmed and lost their glimmer. He looked at her carefully, lips pursed tightly.
The two of them sat there quietly, and only the sound of Pang Qian’s light sobs remained. Awhile later, Gu Mingxi said, “Then… Pang Pang, if you change seats, then we also won’t go to school and come back together?”
“Can you ride your bike on your own?” Pang Qian asked with red eyes. Sobbing, she said, “If you can ride by yourself, it’s best if we don’t go to school together anymore. I hate them talking about us.”
Gu Mingxi clenched his teeth until his gums hurt. He asked again, “Then next semester, will you keep coming over to my house to do homework?”
Pang Qian sniffled and then slowly shook her head.
Gu Mingxi frowned, “Then what if your scores drop again? I promised you before that I’d make sure you never scored as poorly as you did on the midterms again.”
Pang Qian looked away and murmured, “I’ll study well on my own. Gu Mingxi, you’re not a teacher. Whether I score well or not, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
Hearing this, Gu Mingxi let out an “Oh,” and then stood up.
Pang Qian still had her head lowered to her knees. After standing for awhile, Gu Mingxi finally said, “Okay, I got it. I’m going home.”
He got to the door and lifted his foot to open the door. When his foot touched the handle though, he let go. He turned back to look at her.
Pang Qian’s position hadn’t changed at all. Gu Mingxi kept staring at her, the two of them were as still as statues. A long while after, Gu Mingxi finally turned, lifted his foot to open the door, and then slowly walked out.
Pang Qian heard him saying his goodbyes to Jin Ai’hua. He changed his shoes at the door, and you could hear the scratching of the stool against the ground. Then the door opened and closed. The house quickly fell silent.
Pang Qian turned and lied on her bed. A little later, she started crying bitterly.
That winter break, Pang Qian and Gu Mingxi didn’t spend their time together. Their families had a meal together so they met then. They only spoke a few pa.s.sing words about cartoons and their break homework. Pang Qian felt that Gu Mingxi’s att.i.tude was very polite, so she couldn’t act so brazenly with him like in the past.
When the new semester started, Teacher Cao really did change seats. She changed everyone’s seats. Everyone was surprised to see that Pang Qian was included as well. but Pang Qian and Gu Mingxi both kept very quiet.
Pang Qian was finally moved over to the big group against the wall, in the second row. She had been pulled away from Gu Mingxi in a long diagonal. When Pang Qian packed up her things, Gu Mingxi lowered his head without speaking.
Finally, when Pang Qian picked up her back to go, she quietly asked Gu Mingxi, “Do you know who your new deskmate it?”
Gu Mingxi didn’t look up, just answering, “I already told Teacher Cao that I didn’t want a new deskmate. I wanted to sit by myself.”
Pang Qian, “…”
—
Pang Qian had a new deskmate, a boy named Hu Tianli. He was plump and smiled, like a Buddha. He was very easy to get along with. Sun Mingfang and Jiang Lei sat in front of her. And behind her was Qiu Lina and Xie Yi.
When she was in school, Pang Qian had never sat at the front of the cla.s.sroom before. At first, she wasn’t very used to it. But after awhile, she realized that sitting among other students felt really nice.
And she was even sitting in front of Xie Yi. When cla.s.s ended, she could say a few words to him. When they pa.s.sed back homework or exam papers, she would be able to see him. Each time, it would make her heart tremble.
On the other hand, Gu Mingxi sat by himself at the back of the cla.s.sroom.
After last semester’s final exams, the two cla.s.ses had changed a little and Cla.s.s 6 now had 47 students. 46 of them sat together in pairs. Only Gu Mingxi didn’t have a deskmate.
He became even more of a loner. He would go to and come from school by himself. Only occasionally, he would talk with Jian Zhe and Liu Hanlin. It was mostly to ask them to help him go to the washroom or help him get his lunch box.
He wasn’t like that before.
When he was in elementary school, he wasn’t at all quiet. He would also partic.i.p.ate in all the school activities. When Pan Shuisheng and Jin Ai’hua chatted, they would bring up Gu Mingxi. They said that he wasn’t a simple kid. Without his arms, he felt inferior and sensitive. When he was with Pang Qian before, he would still smile and laugh about things every day.
But now?
Since Pang Qian sat at the front of the room, most of the time, she couldn’t see Gu Mingxi. Even after cla.s.s, she also couldn’t openly look at him. She could only sneak a glance at him when she entered the cla.s.sroom.
She always entered from the back door of the cla.s.sroom, because that way, she’d be able to see him. A lot of times, Gu Mingxi was just sitting there, slightly hunched over, legs bent and resting on his desk. He held a pen between his toes, working on practice questions nonstop.
There was once though, that Pang Qian entered the room and saw him leaning against his chair, feet on the ground. His empty sleeves hung still at his sides as he stared out the window.
The students in the room were all rowdy, but he seemed unaware of it all, just quietly looking out the window.
It was the start of spring and the weather was nice. The trees on the school field had gone through the winter and were starting to grow leaves again, sprouts of green. The sky was clear and blue, with only a few spa.r.s.e clouds. Pang Qian suddenly recalled when she sat at the window. When the breeze blew, it felt very refreshing.
Pang Qian knew that Gu Mingxi didn’t often look out the window because if he did, it would make her think that he was looking at her. And then she would poke him with her pen asking, “What are you looking at?! Turn away!”
Now, the seat beside him was empty, so no one could block his line of view anymore. He could look out the window like this. The back of his head faced her so she couldn’t guess what his expression was.
Then suddenly Gu Mingxi turned around. Pang Qian was too slow to look away, so she met his eyes with some panic.
Gu Mingxi’s face didn’t show any awkwardness. His eyes were clear like water. After he saw Pang Qian, he took off his shoes, pulled his legs onto his desk, and lowered his head.