My Multiverse Trip

It was f.u.c.king math. it"d like math for magicals s.h.i.ts hard it"s like a weird combination of using math to make things I don"t understand I just glared at the paper and willed it to show me it"s secrets. it didn"t work. and I had to learn things that makes my head hurt. runes was good tho we had to study ancient languages like Norse and old simerian things that aren"t around more and we could write little designs or rocks or wood with out little sculpting inscription kit and make them do things like glow and c.r.a.p we won"t learn that til later though. and now it"s time for out first defence against the dark arts.

Professor Lupin wasn"t there when they arrived at his first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. They all sat down, took out their books, quills, and parchment, and were talking when he finally entered the room. Lupin smiled vaguely and placed his tatty old briefcase on the teacher"s desk. He was as shabby as ever but looked healthier than he had on the train, as though he had had a few square meals.

"Good afternoon," he said. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today"s will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands. "

A few curious looks were exchanged as the cla.s.s put away their books. They had never had a practical Defense Against the Dark Arts cla.s.s before, unless you counted the memorable cla.s.s last year when their old teacher had brought a cageful of pixies to cla.s.s and set them loose.

"Right then," said Professor Lupin, when everyone was ready. "If you"d follow me. "

Puzzled but interested, the cla.s.s got to its feet and followed Professor Lupin out of the cla.s.sroom. He led them along the deserted corridor and around a corner, where the first thing they saw was Peeves the Poltergeist, who was floating upside down in midair and stuffing the nearest keyhole with chewing gum.

Peeves didn"t look up until Professor Lupin was two feet away; then he wiggled his curly-toed feet and broke into song.

"Loony, loopy Lupin," Peeves sang. "Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin –"

Rude and unmanageable as he almost always was, Peeves usually showed some respect toward the teachers. Everyone looked quickly at Professor Lupin to see how he would take this; to their surprise, he was still smiling.

"I"d take that gum out of the keyhole if I were you, Peeves," he said pleasantly. "Mr. Filch won"t be able to get in to his brooms. "

Filch was the Hogwarts caretaker, a bad-tempered, failed wizard who waged a constant war against the students and, indeed, Peeves. However, Peeves paid no attention to Professor Lupin"s words, except to blow a loud wet raspberry.

Professor Lupin gave a small sigh and took out his wand.

"This is a useful little spell," he told the cla.s.s over his shoulder. "Please watch closely. "

He raised the wand to shoulder height, said, "Waddiwasi!" and pointed it at Peeves.

With the force of a bullet, the wad of chewing gum shot out of the keyhole and straight down Peeves"s left nostril; he whirled upright and zoomed away, cursing.They set off again, the cla.s.s looking at shabby Professor Lupin with increased respect. He led them down a second corridor and stopped, right outside the staffroom door.

"Inside, please," said Professor Lupin, opening it and standing back.

The staffroom, a long, paneled room full of old, mismatched chairs, was empty except for one teacher. Professor Snape was sitting in a low armchair, and he looked around as the cla.s.s filed in. His eyes were glittering and there was a nasty sneer playing around his mouth. As Professor Lupin came in and made to close the door behind him, Snape said, "Leave it open, Lupin. I"d rather not witness this. " He got to his feet and strode past the cla.s.s, his black robes billowing behind him. At the doorway he turned on his heel and said, "Possibly no one"s warned you, Lupin, but this cla.s.s contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear. "

Neville went scarlet. Harry glared at Snape; it was bad enough that he bullied Neville in his own cla.s.ses, let alone doing it in front of other teachers.

Professor Lupin had raised his eyebrows.

"I was hoping that Neville would a.s.sist me with the first stage of the operation," he said, "and I am sure he will perform it admirably. "

Neville"s face went, if possible, even redder. Snape"s lip curled, but he left, shutting the door with a snap.

"Now, then," said Professor Lupin, beckoning the cla.s.s toward the end of the room, where there was nothing but an old wardrobe where the teachers kept their spare robes. As Professor Lupin went to stand next to it, the wardrobe gave a sudden wobble, banging off the wall.

"Nothing to worry about," said Professor Lupin calmly because a few people had jumped backward in alarm. "There"s a Boggart in there. "

Most people seemed to feel that this was something to worry about. Neville gave Professor Lupin a look of pure terror. "Boggarts like dark, enclosed s.p.a.ces," said Professor Lupin. "Wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under sinks — I"ve even met one that had lodged itself in a grandfather clock. This one moved in yesterday afternoon, and I asked the headmaster if the staff would leave it to give my third years some practice. "

"So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a Boggart?"

Hermione put up her hand.

"It"s a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most. "

"Couldn"t have put it better myself," said Professor Lupin, and Hermione glowed. "So the Boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet a.s.sumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. n.o.body knows what a Boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears.

"This means," said Professor Lupin, choosing to ignore Neville"s small sputter of terror, "that we have a huge advantage over the Boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?"

Trying to answer a question with Hermione next to him, bobbing up and down on the b.a.l.l.s of her feet with her hand in the air, was very off-putting, but Harry had a go.

"Er — because there are so many of us, it won"t know what shape it should be?" "Precisely," said Professor Lupin, and Hermione put her hand down, looking a little disappointed. "It"s always best to have company when you"re dealing with a Boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a Boggart make that very mistake — tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening.

"The charm that repels a Boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a Boggart is laughter. What you need to do is force it to a.s.sume a shape that you find amusing.

"We will practice the charm without wands first. After me, please. . . riddikulus!"

"Riddikulus!" said the cla.s.s together.

"Good," said Professor Lupin. "Very good. But that was the easy part, I"m afraid. You see, the word alone is not enough. And this is where you come in, Neville. "

The wardrobe shook again, though not as much as Neville, who walked forward as though he were heading for the gallows.

"Right, Neville," said Professor Lupin. "First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"

Neville"s lips moved, but no noise came out.

"I didn"t catch that, Neville, sorry," said Professor Lupin cheerfully.

Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper, "Professor Snape. "

Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically. Professor Lupin, however, looked thoughtful.

"Professor Snape. . . hmmm. . . Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"

"Er — yes," said Neville nervously. "But — I don"t want the Boggart to turn into her either. "

"No, no, you misunderstand me," said Professor Lupin, now smiling. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"

Neville looked startled, but said, "Well. . . always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top. And a long dress. . . green, normally. . . and sometimes a fox-fur scarf. "

"And a handbag?" prompted Professor Lupin.

"A big red one," said Neville.

"Right then," said Professor Lupin. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind"s eye?"

"Yes," said Neville uncertainty, plainly wondering what was coming next.

"When the Boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees you, it will a.s.sume the form of Professor Snape," said Lupin. "And you will raise your wand — thus — and cry "Riddikulus" — and concentrate hard on your grandmother"s clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, and that green dress, with that big red handbag. "

There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently.

"If Neville is successful, the Boggart is likely to shift his attention to each of us in turn," said Professor Lupin. "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical. . . "

The room went quiet.