"Look, a milf!""Where?!"
Suddenly a handful of dust hit me square in the face. I was then promptly knocked on my back and forced to stare up at the sky, my eyes teary from the dirt.
I groaned but still glanced at the direction father had pointed at through blurred vision.
I found only bitter disappointment(?)
From twenty feet away was no one else but my mother, looking quite lickable in nothing but a green bra and panties.
(Shut up, it was a figure of speech, a figure of speech I say!)
She was laying on a foldable reclining lounge chair, clearly in the middle of a sunbath.
A pleasant laugh floated into my ears.
She grinned at me and stretched like a cheshire cat, back arched enticingly, letting out a small moan of contentment before clearly saying, "You were expecting a busty cat-girl, but it was me, mama!"
This woman...Don"t just go recreacting another world"s memes like it"s nothing! Who even told you those words, who?!
My left eye twitched.
"You too, who taught you that word? Do you even know what it means, huh?"
Father snorted. "I can imagine." He rubbed his chin with a wide smile. " What? You think I don"t hear you muttering that each time a pretty chick and her kid pa.s.ses by? You think I don"t understand my son"s fetishes? You think I don"t understand my own? No, how could I NOT have understood you, son? To even come up with such a great acronym takes a level of pa.s.sion which demands recognition. Yes, I admit that much. Yet to think you believed yourself the only one able to comprehend the meaning of such a glorious word..."The man shook his head is derision. "Too naive. You weren"t even a twinkle in my eye when I was teasing young widows and comforting lonely housewives!" He boasted, chuckling with untamed vigor.
So, father, I thought. Even in this world people know the charms of a milf. However....
I couldn"t forgive a person using them in vain. "You lied to me...?! " I trembled. "What gall!" Righteous indignation coursed through my veins like molten lava. "Fool. You using them in such an underhanded way shows your lack of respect and dedication! It"s obvious you know nothing of the sacredness of milfs! You should just go ahead and change your name to Jon Snow! You presume yourself to be a man of culture, but to use the good t.i.tle of milf to gain an advantage over your fellow comrade in arms...How utterly despicable! How disgustingly blasphemous! What"s more you even involved mother in your dastardly plot! I can get past you pointing out a milf already claimed, but the act of using one simply to win a duel...this sort of pettiness...b.a.s.t.a.r.d, you actually dare!" I roared, turning my feelings of disappointment(?*2) into rage.
My speech left the man stunned. " Um, yeah, hold on a minute there son. No need to get so--"
"TAKE THIS, SINNER!!" I ignored him, brandishing my weapon threateningly. " HEAVEN SHOCKING LUNAR FANG!!!!!!!"
I intiated an attack I didn"t have the ability to pull off at all. But it still sounded nice to say so whatever.
"Whoa." Father dashed out of the way before my wooden sword could pound into him. But I expected that!
I didn"t hesitate at all in chucking the thing right at him, the point heading true towards it"s target unswervingly. The man in question definitely felt his b.a.l.l.s shrivel up as he calculated it"s trajectory.
"f.u.c.k, this kid"s aim is as merciless as his mother"s!"
He didn"t say it but I saw the words clearly written in his haunted eyes, as if plagued by some tragic past.
Well, that"s a matter of course. The guy still doesnt allow letter openers in the house, after all.
He lunged to the side in desperation, rolled back to his feet, and glared. "What the h.e.l.l, what"s the point of using such a cool name when you"re just gonna throw it?"
...No, that wasn"t the important bit though?
"And what was that just now?! You nearly turned me into a eunuch, you brat! If I lost my family jewels and couldn"t get it up how would you face your poor mother, hm?! Do you expect her to live the life of a nun?"
Ah, there we go.
Mother yawned. "Oh, I"d a.s.suredly be capable of finding a little lover, honey, so don"t you worry. I"m perfectly capable of scratching my own itches in the first place too, you know? And well I don"t really think the gems are needed, right? It"s the sceptre that matters, the sceptre. I think a couple crushed peanuts would be fine. We already have two adorable baby-boos anyway so what"s the fuss?" She shrugged. "Plus it"s okay if you develope another trauma and can"t get it up naturally? My big bro has drugs."
Eh, wait, mom has a brother? How can you just so nonchalantly reveal such an important piece of information as if it"s nothing? How come I"ve never met this uncle of mine before? Speak up, oi.
"See pops? It"s fine, it"s fine~"
"This mother and son...." Father shook his head. "Forget it. And I don"t care what you say. Even if it means never having s.e.x again I"m not taking that maniac"s pills! Last time they--"
My eyes flashed. "Opening!"
While his guard was down I pounced without warning.
But how could he not foresee the acions of that shameless son of his?
"Feist one, aren"t you? Bring it on!" Father threw down his blade and raised his hands, throwing himself at his child without a second thought.
Our swordfight quckly devolved into a match of fisticuffs. Now this was a true battle among men!
Father, you think I"ll play fair after what you just pulled? Heh. How innocent...
"Son of a...!" Father yelped as I fought with tooth and claw. His once pretty face was full of scratches and bruises while his right arm was being used as a chewtoy.
He ran and waved the arm in an attempt to throw me off. But I, like the great pitbulls of yore, merely clamped down even harder!
"Are you a human or are you a dog? Get off me! Get off!" He wailed miserably.
How do you like that, pretty boy? Huh? Yeah. Yeah you like it don"t you. Little m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t f.u.kboi and your sweet mo-
Ahem.
Well have some more then!
The image of an attractive father and his cute, maturing son battling it out on the ground, pounding away at one another, sweat pouring down their faces as each struggled for dominance, fighting for the top position... was definitely not a small bit of fanservice directed at the rotten-minded females of the audience, if they did indeed exist. Absolutely not.
***
Several figures could be seen in the vast dining room. Two adults and three children.
Two of whom currently held the visage of a begger. One in particular looked as if he was mauled by a cat and then later encountered a very "playful" bloodhound who thought him a snack.
No one, however, said a word.
"....Heh."
That is, until now.
The one who had the audactiy to laugh in such a situation was a pretty little girl with emerald green hair. Standing tall, looking prim and proper in a maid"s traditional dressware, she was the dream grand-daughter of every grandparent from east to west.
Or she should be. But the impa.s.siveness of her face gave one a subtle feeling of uneasy. If one were to describe her it would be "Doll-like," but not in the way Dolly herself was.
Whereas one was able to heal you with glance, this girl was more probable to send you into a spiral of crippling self-doubt with a single word. Actually not even a word, but a sound. A single "Hoh?" with eyes staring at you as if you were the fecal matter of the lowliest of ants.
That one action could lead you to question your entire life, wonder about your own self-worth. Yes. And this little girl was none other than the sister of perhaps the most cheerful idiot on the planet--Baz"s only sibling, Aloe Vera!
Okay, it was just Vera. But come on you couldn"t look at her hair and name and NOT think of that stuff.
Anywho she was currently directing that terrifying power at the master of the house, my father.
"..." A sigh. "Alright get it over with then." Father resigned himself to a critial hit that was sure to come.
Or not.
Vera shook her head. "My apologies, Master Claybrook. That was rude of me. Fear not, I"ll won"t be saying a word. Far be it from me to kick you while you"re down."
A look of relief entered his eyes. "Thank y--"
"I"ll leave that honor to mother."
His face sunk.
We all knew once that woman saw him in his current state that she"d never let him live it down.
He stood abruptly.
It was obvious that it"d only just occurred to him what"d happen when she saw his current state.
"Excuse me, I just remembered I have very important matters to take care of. Goodbye."
Just then a new voice joined in on the conversation."Going to lick your wounds, Elias?"
I snickered.
Then glanced to the left where a heart-stoppingly attractive woman had entered.
She was similar to her daughter by the way of how indifferent her expression was. But she was so drool-worthy that it didn"t matter.
Her hair fell in long, luxurious waves down past her shoulders, the vibrant gra.s.s color of every strand a marvel and surprisingly well suited to that milky white skin tone.
That waist...that hip line...those glorious thighs hidden under a light, white-colored summer dress as if begging you to come and unveil them.
What"s more, the bountiful mountains whose seductiveness lost out only to mother...
Now this was a woman!
I had to resist the urge to turn to Baz and say, "You were a good friend to me, my boy. Soon you"ll be my good son as well."
However I could only stop myself from thinking such thoughts. Oh don"t get me wrong, I would be totally willing to wait a few years before starting my slow seduction of my best friend"s mom. Didn"t have a problem with something like that at all--I mean just look at her, it was entirely understandable and no man alive could blame me.
But it"s just...she was only human. No matter how pretty, I am a man of keen eye and fine taste. I accept only the best. And to my mind only a cute, busty kemonomimi could even qualify as my future bride. If you were not a beastkin, I"m sorry, but we could never be.
While I was lost in my own thoughts the two carried on talking.
"Mary. Please don"t." Father smiled awkwardly.
"As expected, the young shall surpa.s.s the old. It"s all downhill from here, Ellie."
Poke.
Father hated that nickname. I could almost see the arrows digging into his skin.
"But don"t feel too bad. You ARE getting on in your age, after all."
Poke.
"...You"re older than me though..."
"Oh my." She held a hand to her mouth. "How rude. Talking about a woman"s age like this. I"m disappointed in you, little Ellie.
Poke. Poke.
"But that"s okay. I forgive you. After all you are the husband of a good friend. Even if you do bear resemblance to a donkey. Which is why I should expect these sort of pungent remarks, I suppose.**"
Oh s.h.i.t. Did she just...? I think she did. Wow.
Thats some premium grade cheekiness right there. I loved it.
Mother"s mouth formed a small arc, a light dancing in her eyes as she looked at them.
" I"m almost jealous. You two have such a great relationship."
"Don"t say that. Who"d want to have a good relationship with this lizard-woman?"
"I didn"t say anything about it being a good relationship, dear. Though an entertaining one to be sure."
"Personally I find it to be--"
"Okay, okay, enough already. " Father raised a hand. His tone turned a bit more serious, signalling the end to the banter. The atmosphere changed in an instant.
"That"s right. I"d nearly forgotten. So, why"d you send for me? Is there some sort of announcement you"d like to make?" Mary asked.
Oh? Father himself actually called her? That was unusual.
"Before that, where"s Baz?" He asked back. "I wanted you all to hear about it together."
So there really was something he wanted to discuss, huh. "I sent him to do a few things for me. He won"t be back for some time." I answered him.
"Very well. I suppose it"s fine, you can fill him in on the good news later."
"What good news?" Mother inquired curiously, clearly also at a loss as to what was going on. They were just having breakfast, none of them had any idea father was going to be saying anything important. They certainly didn"t know what was so important that he"d call Mary here too.
Smiling mysterously, father turned to the one person in the room besides myself who"d remained quiet. "Dolly." He called.
The girl turned up her head for the first time, munching on a piece of cookie she quickly spirited away. "Yes father?"
I, completely out of habit, reached over and wiped her mouth with a clean handkerchief. Honestly this girl, she was such an adorably messy eater.
"Congratulations. Starting from today onwards you"re officially engaged to Crown Prince Alexander!"
As one singular ent.i.ty mom, Mary, Vera and me proceeded to freak out.
"Wait, say what now?"
"What was that?"
"Sorry, what?"
"...Nani?"