As every self-respecting player knows, there"s only one build worth your time.Either go beefy boi or go home. None of that dex/quality pansy s.h.i.t. Fast rolls are for noobs, m"kay? That"s why you need to take the biggest big-d.i.c.k weapon you can find and just destroy a.n.u.ses.
"Hence I shall dub thee...Big Destroyer."
All I need now is some Onion Bro armour and we"ll poise our way to a zero death playthrough this time around.
Truck-Sama won"t be able to pull that dirty little stunt on me in this life, oh no.
Richard was coming back to life right as I was about to walk out.
"Wait!" He huffed. "You...You...You can"t just..." He stammered stupidly. "What about the Holy Artifact?!"
I shrugged. "Eh, it"s not really my style."
The kindly old Ogre"s mouth all but fell to the ground. "But...But...It"s a weapon forged by the Mother-G.o.ddess of Love and War..."
I paused.
"...,Milf?"
"Huh?"
"No, nevermind." Stop it, me. "Laters."
"Hold up. You can"t just walk away! You"re the Hero chosen by the Holy Artifact."
"Actually that"s some other guy. Don"t worry, he"ll be here in a few years. Just make sure that loose sword doesn"t just jump into the arms of yet another stranger in the meantime." I gave the sword in question a disapproving look.
"Such disrespect!" He held a hand to his mouth. "I say, accept the Sacred Sword already and go smite evil! It"s your destiny!"
"Nah."
"You come back here right now!"
"Nah"
"You!" He went red-faced. "I"ve never met such a stubborn, bullheaded person in all my time! To forsake the Holy Artifact for some piece of wood..."
Just then, as if to enunciate his point, a slow ringing reverberated throughout the room.
From twenty feet away the Holy Sword, having landed right back into the chunk of black rock even deeper than before, was glowing with a bright ethereal blue light. It shook crazily, the hilt pointing right at me.
The ringing continued to rise in volume. Higher and and higher, annoying loud, and then louder yet again.
It soon grew so great that my eardrums threatened to burst.
My head swam. "Will you tell that piece of trash to shut the h.e.l.l up?!" I screamed.
A flash of blue burned my eyeb.a.l.l.s.
"Dammit, make it stop!"
"I don"t even know what made it go wild, how can I stop it?!"
"Just do it!"
"Stop being so unreasonable!"
"Fine then, I"ll do it myself!" I hoisted Big Destroyer up into the air and set off at a sprint.
Richard was horrified. "Wait, what are you--OH MY G.o.dS, NO!"
Too late!
I"d already swung the giant piece of solid wood at the sword with all my might. A boom broke the world apart, or seemed to, as a great flash of light blinded me.
I was launched backwards and hit the wall at approximately 100 miles an hour.
It hurt.
Also the dust, it was terrible. Got all up in my lungs and everything. I could taste it.
Once vision returned I spotted the Holy Sword hovering in place, freed from it"s prison once more. Then the d.a.m.n thing charged through the air hilt-first.
I felt a shiver in my spine.
This thing was trying to finish it"s job! It nearly turned me into a pancake and now it was coming back to settle past accounts! It was obviously mad I threw it aside in favor of a true man"s weapon.
What a petty fellow. Trying to kill me just because I rejected you? A little extreme, wasn"t it?!
But I was prepared. Right as it was about to reach me I gripped Big D--what was the thing made of anyway? To survive a blast like that was really commendable--tight in my hands and took a stance.
I waited for the right moment, then struck!
Pow! Right in the kisser!
The sword was sent flying, this time in the opposite direction.
"Ha!" I yelled jubilantly. "Does it hurt? Huh? Think about who you"re messin" with next time, you easy piece of sc.r.a.p metal."
While I was chuckling the sword stopped itself. It hung there ominously, it"s razor-sharp tip putting me right in it"s sights.
The runes along it"s fuller shone brightly.
That shiver from a moment ago? It came back, and it brought friends. I felt my scalp tingle.
Then the sword shot out like a rocket. It left a ghostly blue light in it"s wake, coming faster than the eye could see.
I"d gotten used to dodging the sword energies Sir Kane always threw out with inhuman speed, but this was a whole "nother level.
Okay, nevermind. Fast rolls, fast rolls are good.
I-frames, babe, I need you!
I moved completely on instinct alone and moved the moment it burst forth.
Sliding across the floor brought up even more dirt around me.
The dust made everything blurry. I looked around franctically, holding onto Big D and holding it close like a giant elongated shield.
A twinkle of light in the distance.
I readied for another swing...
...And something cold touched my cheek.
"?"
The dust settled down, revealing the Holy Sword pressing itself against my face. It"s body shaking with absolute delight.
A satisfied hum, like a cat"s purr, came from deep within it"s metal core.
I...I don"t even know where to begin.
"Ooh! It really likes you!" Richard, coming up off the ground, said. "I"ve never seen a G.o.d"s Object so pleased. They never get so attached, normally, even with their creators."
Looks like it doesn"t want to kill me, at least.
But I wasn"t at all happy with the sword"s favor.
"Dammit, woman, calm yourself. How can you do something like this to the Hero? Clinging to another man so readily, have you no shame at all?!" I wagged a finger. "Listen here, you and the Hero have a job to do, okay? So get off me, wait for him, and do it."
I pushed it away.
"But you"re the Hero, though?" Richard frowned.
"I"m not, though."
"...Listen here you..."
"Shut up, who asked you?" I ignored him. "Stay." I commanded.
The sword didn"t react. I took that as a positive sign.
"Alright. So Imma go. You two stay here and carry on as usual. Cool? Great. Bye. Come on, doggos, we"re goin" back."
***
Before I left I made sure to get the tea recipe from Richard, who handed it over grumpily, and walked back the way I came.
After about three minutes Patches nudged me with his nose.
I looked back.
The sword was following cautiously from afar, freezing up when I spotted it.
"...Oi." I threw a rock, hitting it right in the center of it"s blade. "Bad Holy Artifact. I said stay."
And coldly turned away, continuing on my path.
Twenty minutes later.
This time the projectile of choice was a ball of mud. "Seriously, go away!"
An hour later.
Hitting it with a horsewhip. Repeatedly. "Dammit, I don"t want you! Go back, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d!"
Ten minutes away from Sir Kane"s castle.
"...f.u.c.k it, you can stay."
So stubborn!
I wondered it Minnie liked swords? Dolly was too young to play with sharp objects.
Sorry, Hero...
Do you take IOUs?
***
"What"s this?" Sir Kane asked contemptuously.
"My cave treasure." I replied seriously.
He looked behind me. "...You dare call that a treasure in front of a G.o.d"s Weapon? Are you stupid, boy?" He clapped my ear. " Get that rotten piece of wood out of here. You"re disrespecting the Holy Blade." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I sent you to take a look but I didn"t truly think you, of all people, could earn it"s grace. Something is seriously wrong with the world, isn"t there?"
I was nursing my ear when the sword let out a burst of light and shoved itself between us.
Sir Kane raised a brow. "It"s protective. Interesting." He mused.
"It"s clingy, you mean. And don"t talk smack about my Great Club."
He ignored me.
"Let me see it for a while." The man reached out for the sword"s handle.
He gripped it tight.
I smelt a peculiar, burning-flesh-like smell. And a loud sizzle became audible.
Sir Kane did not have the magic touch, it seemed. The sword"s hilt was glowing orange and continued to burn the offending hand.
But the world-renowned swordmaster didn"t give up easily.
I saw his arm tremble for several seconds before he was forced to release his hold.
His palm was only a little red and giving off steam. I was faintly disappointed.
Some Holy Sword this was.
"So violent. Sacred Objects aren"t normally so temperamental. It"s much stronger as well."
"You"ve seen some?"
"A few, made by past Saints or other enlightened beings. This one"s special though, an ancient object meant for war. It"s a different breed from the other"s I"ve seen in the past. More potent. Unique. It was supposedly forged by the Mother-G.o.ddess Herself, you know."
"So I"m told."
Not all Holy Objects were created equal, then. Or by the G.o.ds.
I wonder how many there were out in the world.
"But it looks like this one won"t let me examine it. I wonder why?"
"I dunno. It"s strange. The sword is actually pretty s.l.u.tty so I thought it"d let anyone handle it."
That earned me another clap on the ear.
The sword burst into action just then, bearing down on Sir Kane with soul-crushing malice.
He unsheathed his own blade and blocked. A cold grey light and a harsh blue light crashed into each other, the opposing forces sending out waves of air.
It was great we were outside because the ground wasn"t able to withstand their might.
The man"s hair was being tossed this way and that, his face wearing a slight frown.
"Alright knock it off, you"re getting dirt in my eye again." I grabbed the horsewhip and smacked the Holy Sword.
It calmed down immediately.
Sir Kane rubbed at his cheek. A trail of blood marred his otherwise good looks.
"I see. That"s why."
"Why what now?"
"Nothing." He waved me off. "In any case, let"s start. Ready yourself."
I nodded. A fight? Great!
Big D was thirsting for blood!
"What are you doing?"
"You wanted the D, no?"
"..."
"Don"t look at me like that."
"Boy. Stop playing around. Grab the Holy Sword."
"Nah."
"..."
At my side the sword was glowing dully. I felt like I was being stared at.
It was annoying me with that sad, pitiful "gaze" so I grabbed and placed it on the sword rack with all the others.
"Okay. Ready?"
"...Just leave."
How rude.
***
"Master! What a pretty sword! I-It"s floating, isn"t it? I"m not dreaming, am I? Amazing!"
"It"s the Holy Sword. You want it?"
"Huh?"
"Please take it."
It took me less than five minutes to explain the situation to Minerva.
Her worshipping eyes were hard to handle.
"Master, that"s incredible. You were even acknowledged by the legendary Holy Blade! You"re a bonafide Hero! What an honor! As expected of Master!"
"...Ahem. Yes. That"s right."
f.u.c.king h.e.l.l.
I glared at the sword.
What the h.e.l.l are you glowing so happily for, dammit?
***
So she didn"t want it, obviously.
She continued to tend to the gardens, gathering herbs or feeding the plants. She made herself busy that way since I never asked much from her.
I wasn"t sure if it was my mind playing tricks on me or what but I could swear I saw her holding a small white cloth just before I left and take a whiff from it...
Weird.
That aside I did actually go to have a talk with Dolly and Evie.
Baz was quite relieved when he saw I was back and promptly ran off, leaving them in my care. The coward.
So first things first: My room was a mess.
Apparently Evie had planned to clean up but Dolly got upset and said something like, "Don"t touch my brother"s things." or whatever.
Which resulted in my pillow being torn apart.
"A small casualty of war." Dolly sulked.
"...Small? Small!? ?! THEN WHY THE h.e.l.l IS MY ENTIRE ROOM TRASHED, HUH?!" I nearly screamed.
Not just the pillows, but the curtains, the bedding, the tea sets, chairs, books...all ruined!
"Contaminated materials must be destroyed. And then purged by fire...."
This girl! She was asking for a beating! Just because I"m her Big Bro, doesn"t mean she"s exempt from the Devil"s Left!
"But it"s okay. Day can sleep with me from now on." She smiled benignly.
"Nonsense. Master can share beds with me and Min."
"I"m the sister. Day"s place is with me."
"...I"m more huggable."
"Horses.h.i.t!" She cursed. " I"m so much more huggable than--"
"Min"s chest is also softer than those pillows."
"You...!" Nostrils were cutely flared. "That"s enticement! "
"There"s a lot of rooms here, you two. You know that, right?"
Before I even began to chastise them I could sense that no matter what I said or did this rivalry probably wouldn"t be ending anytime soon.
***
"I"ve come to request tutorship from the honorable Lord Kane."
The malnourished Princess was back!
"Come in, sweetheart. Let Papa cook you up something nice."
Dolly, Evie, and the Holy Sword: "..."