My Sister The Villainess

I clapped my hands together while holding a cigar firmly between my teeth, talking through clenched jaws. The small room was barely lit and all around were puffs of sweet, delicious smoke.

"Praise be." Ca.s.s coughed. He half-a.s.sedly offered prayer with red-rimmed eyes.

"May your high never fall, brother Ca.s.s." I held a hand to his forehead. "I bless you with pot eternal."

The man had tears in his eyes. "My Lord!"

I nodded sagely. "The munchies are upon me. I require sustenance. Go, my son. Fetch me a sammich."

WIth dull eyes, he nodded. Got up. And promptly fell on his a.s.s.

The King giggled. "Oh man. He"s f.u.c.ked up." Ignoring the fact he was totally baked himself.

I looked at him in astonishment. "Holy…look at the size of that joint...Alex." I hugged the boy from behind. " Bro. We gotta smoke this. Let"s smoke it, okay? We can share. GImme a torch."

Alex was staring at his father with a crazed look. "The Great DIvine Roll." He whispered reveringly.

"YES!! I am the Divine Roll! Bow, mortals!" The King babbled deliriously. "You shall never know the taste of my succulent Holy Herbs! Never!" And hopped right into the air. Then fell over, smashing his face against the floor. His nose was b.l.o.o.d.y, an aura of great rage and injustice springing up from his very depths. "Dammit! I"ll never forgive you, gravity!"

"....Your Majesty, even you? The cancer has spread to the highest echelons of our society." Jacob shook his head. "It"s worse than I thought." He held a wet towel to his mouth and nose. "Alright, it"s time for you guys to come out. The girls are worried." He grabbed my shoulder.

"Hot…" My breaths came in ragged pants. I could feel the incredible might of the holy herbs coursing through my veins. Imbuing me with all the powers of a stonie. "It"s so hot!" I tore at my clothes, breaking free of my mortal coils. "Freedom…"

I popped a weird golden cherry into my mouth. It burst open with rich juices. The world rocked.

Suddenly Jacob"s fine head of hair changed colors.

"Mary…" I muttered.

The woman smiled naughtily. "Come, my love...ravish me…"

She appeared to me like a G.o.ddess, naked and flushed red, hearts in her eyes.

"I want you so bad, beloved… hurry...now…"

"We...we shouldn"t...Baz is my bro…." I looked away.

Baz, laying on a couch, lifted his head. "Huh? What"s that?"

"He can watch." Mary laughed. "Don"t worry about him. I want you inside me, Master." She moaned erotically. Her left hand gently kneaded one breast while the other traveled downward. The blush on her face grew. Her mouth opened and a cute little tongue could be seen.

She bit at her lips seductively, making me swallow.

I dusted myself off and readjusted an imaginary tie. "Challenge accepted."

It was time for the Devil"s Left and G.o.d"s RIght to join forces. Baz, forgive me. I"ll have to go all out...just this once. Maybe several times.

Poor Mary, she"ll never be the same. But creating a m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic yandere with the power to teleport is just the price one must pay for a good smash.

"... Get your G.o.dd.a.m.n hands off me." Jacob"s cold voice was like a tub of ice water washing over me.

Wait. I"m wet.

This f.u.c.ker.

"Huh. That"s new." He commented. " The water turned to frost."

I cried in bone-deep sadness, regret, and rage. "NO! Mary, come back!"

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Baz stared with squinted eyes. "Mother was here?"

"My Mary…" I lamented. But my lovely was gone. Replaced by Jacob"s ugly mug. "YOU!" I hissed. "You took her from me! Off with your head!"

"Milly! I need you!" I raised an arm. My voice shook the heavens and earth, calling my loyal weapon to my side.

Just then Milly cut through solid stone and flew to my hand. Tendrils of gold, silver, blue and faint hints of red exploded forth. They writhed about violently.

My head cleared in an instant.

"f.u.c.k!" I threw the Holy Sword to the ground. "You ruined my high! d.a.m.n useless pigsticker...knew I should"ve left you behind...nothing but trouble."

A series of lights began to emit from the Holy sword, as if to say, "I"ll do better, I promise!"

The smoke entered my nostrils and caused a wave of emotions. I felt hot tears pour down my face.

"Oh, my poor baby. I didn"t mean that. Papa"s sorry." I picked up the Holy Sword and held it to my chest.

My hands got nicked. The clarity returned. "Son of a b.i.t.c.h, you cut me? And the high"s gone again! Agh! I hate you to death! What are you even good for?"

Milly"s light dimmed tragically.

"...Tsk. Can"t even turn into a loli." I spat. I looked at it"s faint glows and sighed. "What kinda Holy Sword can"t even turn into a loli?...Alright, I"m really sorry this time. I didn"t mean it. Come on. After I get some food in me we can go out and smite heretics, okay? ...Wait, that"s tomorrow. c.r.a.p, what time is it? Jake, we gotta go."

Jacob, a handsome youth clad in leather armor and a brown cloak, set his eyes on the others in the room. Alex, who was gulping as he stared at his father hopping around. Ca.s.s, calmly achieving enlightenment. And Baz who was…

"Jake, am I still high? Why"s Vee here?" Yes. The green-haired girl was currently in the room with a cloth to her face, much like Jacob, slapping her brother back into sobriety. Or attempting to.

"No. I see her too. "

"Oh. Good. Hey, Vee, good news!" I waved.

She shot me a glance. And froze.

I tilted my head quizzically.

"Um. Vee?" Why"s this kid looking at me like that? It was unnerving.

I heard a new voice join. "See, Min? I told you Master had a sword on his body. You didn"t believe me. But it looks even bigger than it did before....I wonder why?" Evie knit her brows as if trying to solve some great mystery. She then exclaimed, " Min, why are you hitting your head on the wall again? You"ll get hurt."

"I deserve the pain!" The woman replied.

"How vulgar." Charlotte"s tone dripped with disdain. "Not only a drug addict, but a streaker too. And he"s even corrupting our house"s Al...wait, brother? What"re you doing here with these guys? "

The King was chewing on a coca leaf. "The Divine Roll will devour these lesser herbs and make them apart of it"s glorious self!" In case it wasn"t clear, he was still in joint form. He was a giant rolled up blunt with a head. Quickly munching away at my herbs and spices.

Charlotte seemed deeply disturbed and quietly walked out.

I looked around at the various remaining women who"d entered the room. Apart from Lottie and Vee, Yesmina and Bubbles had also barged in. The three were just quietly staring from afar. Especially the last two.

I calmly laid the flat of Milly"s blade across my shoulder.

"For the record, I"m not a druggie. This is for the sake of art." I took a pose. "Baz, continue."

The boy coughed out puffs of purple clouds, extended a finger, and proceeded to trace a stick figure on his hand while constantly looking up. Moving around me as if to gain the perfect angle.

Meanwhile.

"Uh-huh." Bubbles smirked. She"s so cute when she did that. "And all the smoke? The burning leaves?"

"...Incense. "

We were flooded.

***

"Alright, my band of not-so-merry men. We"re going on a quest for beer and meat. Today we will feast like your average American at a Golden Corral."

"Don"t you mean "like KIngs"?" Lucy, who was finally unrolled and forced sober by the magical cleansing properties(?) of Bubbles" water, asked.

"Nope. Americans eat more, and better. You"ve never been to a good all-you-can eat buffet, but trust me, it"amazing. I forced myself to go to one once. The memory haunts me to this day. We need to achieve one-tenth of the happiness and satisfaction I found that day."

"I"ve several questions." Bubbles raised an arm like a student, fitting her youthful appearance perfectly.

Jacob took it upon himself to lower it for her. "Don"t bother. He says weird stuff all the time. Just roll with it."

"Please never say the word roll in my presence ever again." Lucius said sourly. "Being kidnapped is one thing, but not even Elias had ever drugged me and made me think I was a giant sentient joint before."

"Thanks."

The man glared. "That wasn"t a compliment." He grit his teeth. "And what are we doing messing around? This KIng came to kill cultists and f.u.c.k their wives. While their husbands" heads watch mounted on pikes."

I clapped his back. "Hmm. Too dark."

"I came to behead cultists and line their impaled corpses outside their own hideouts as warning to their brethren."

"Perfect."

We walked in a large group, men and girls alike. Traveling through the streets of Ko as if we owned the place. And one of us sorta did, in a way. Moving with all the intention of raiding the entire pantry of whatever place would serve us.

"That seems like a fine establishment. Let"s eat there." I pointed to a tavern with bright lights and cobbled walls.

I pa.s.sed Ca.s.s a big bag of silver. "Pay for the feast. Make sure everyone has a good time."

"Where"re you headin"?"

I turned to Vera and Jacob who were sharing a look as they noticed my gaze upon them.

"Day"s Matchmaking Service has some red strings to tie."

And I got a hot date of my own I put together. One far overdue.

Ca.s.s followed my eyes. "It"s going to blow back in your face, watch."

"Says the guy who"s number of years alive equal the amount of years he"s been single."

"By choice. There"s a difference between having commitment issues and being unable to get a woman."

"Sure, sure." I walked away. WIth plans of finally taking Minnie out on a date in mind I waved the two, along with Minerva and, of course, Evie, over. The first two approached me cautiously and I draped my arms around their shoulders, connecting us together.

"Let"s us five find a place a bit more cla.s.sy, eh?"

While running Bubbles through the city I found several choice restaurants for potential couples.

***

So I dropped them off at a three-story building called the Desert Jewel, which was a pretty arrogant name if you ask me, but the food looked decent and the ambiance was quiet and mellow with warm lighting. It was a perfect place for the two to talk and spark a good mood.

"Jake, you know Vee, don"t you? Why don"t you guys sit here and talk? We"ll find another table." I"d said, taking Minnie and Evie and sneakily slipping out moments later.

"Master, are you sure that"s a good idea?" Minnie looked back at the restaurant worryingly.

"I got a feeling those two will hit it off famously."

Jacob was a good friend of mine. By that, I mean he was one of those who were actually "good," unlike that lying, cheating, no-good b.a.s.t.a.r.d WIll. Great friends, both of them, but Jake was also a good guy in addition.

Vera never really met and hung around any of my friends besides Phil, so they didn"t know each other before now. If anything, this was a blind date. Set by Yours Truly.

I did feel they would get along splendidly too, honestly. Unlike Phil, Jacob was made of stronger stuff. I thought he could easily handle Vee"s vicious tongue whenever it may rear it"s poisonous head.

Besides, Vee"s a softie deep down anyway. She deserves a nice dude like Jake, yeah? They"d be a perfect match if he could get the kid to just be more honest.

And anyway, I certainly ain"t a good match for her. Heck, even if I do wait a couple years for her to grow up, I"m basically insane. Gots me a whole lot of beheadings under my belt, can"t lie. And what sorta person can do that and still be this chipper?

A psychopath, that"s who! Objectively speaking. Sure I feel those beheadings were justified, but that"s just the zealot in me talking.

A pure-hearted maiden like Vera deserves someone waaaaayyyy better than this Big Bro. Someone less trigger-happy and more morally sound.

What about Minnie, you ask? Well f.u.c.k, mates, she and E been strongarming people into joining a cult! My cult, specifically. Them girls are dark. Nice faces, but total zealots themselves. Just like me.

Not that I find that bad, mind you. I like a little crazy in a woman. Makes things interesting, yeah?

Yanderes are love. Yanderes are life.

WIthin reason, obviously. May have said it before, but you do not want a School Days yandere on your hands. That"s what people mean when they say don"t stick your d.i.c.k in crazy. Those fake, killer yanderes giving all yanderes a bad name...they can all burn and die.

Go homicidal on other people, not the one you"re obsessively in love with. They should be the last people you wanna shank.

But I digress.

Yeah, MIn"s got just the right amount of crazy in her. And you may say any bit of crazy is too much crazy, but it suits me just fine.

Together we shall carve out a paradise for all the Furry-Eared Ones!...Yup. I"m starting to come around to the idea of a kIngdom. Just, maybe not here. I still like the idea of going to the World Tree.

I hope Mary"s fine with us all living under her nice, e x t r a t h i c c ...foliage. I was gonna say foliage.

Minnie might be my wife in the future. But I realize now that it is Mary who shall always be the G.o.ddess of my heart.

"Let"s just concentrate on us." I finished. I gave Evie"s shoulder a squeeze and held a hand at Minnie"s back, guiding them both to a nice pond Bubbles mentioned when I asked her for some romantic spots to explore.

Apparently this particular body of water is home to phosph.o.r.escent algae and fish that glow with haunting beauty at night.

And to me, that"s an ideal place for some good ol" romance.

Evie was a third wheel? Pfft. Shows what you know. Earning points with both of them at the same time means "family bonding."

You get in good with their kids and you"re already halfway there. You need to make them think, "He"d make such a good Papa…" and their mothers will in turn be thinking, "He"d make such a good husband."

Now. The gang"s feasting in preparation for tomorrow"s Great Hunt. Vee and jacob are likely staring soulfully into each other"s eyes are we speak.

As for me, I"ve got a mother to seduce and a child to adopt. Also my drugs survived Bubbles, so I"ll be planting them soon.

A beautiful cat-eared waifu, a cute succubus loli to spoil and all the Divine Herbs a man can dream of.

Life is good, boys. Life is good. Oh yeah.

It"s all comin" together.