My Soul Will Find Yours

"But I can"t rest a.s.sured until I see her. Please," I begged.

"Mama, you need to rest…"

"Just a quick peek, that"s all I need."

"Do you want me to go crazy?" he asked so suddenly that I was caught off guard. "Or do you want me to die from worry? Why can"t you understand that you need to rest?"

"I"ll be quick," I reasoned. "I just want to make sure she"s alright."

"Hina, I understand that you care about Mami so much but your health should always come first! Several people did their best to save you and our children but here you are disregarding all our effort!"

"Papa, I"m not disregarding your efforts. It"s just that I—"

"Fine. You really want to go see her?" he let go of me and stood up. "Go ahead but don"t blame me if something happens to the four of us because of your impatience!"

"Papa…"

"If she insists on leaving her quarters, no one is allowed to a.s.sist her," he told Megumi and Yoko before giving me one long look and leaving the room.

I had no choice but to slump back to the futon. I didn"t mean to anger him; I just feel that I don"t deserve staying inside my room comfortably without even knowing Mami"s condition. Minutes later, the shoji reopened and I automatically stretched my neck expecting to see Kaname but was immediately disappointed when I saw that it was my head maid.

"So he really left," I said, crestfallen.

"Hai," Ryuko-san replied. "Lady Hinata, forgive me but you really should listen to the shogun. Your priority right now should be regaining your strength."

"I know," I nodded my head remorsefully. "I just don"t feel like I have the right to rest easy when I don"t even know how the person responsible for my safety is doing. I"m out of the woods and recovering but what about her?"

"It"s difficult but this time, it"s best that you think of yourself first."

"She"s alright, right?" I looked at her expectantly. "Mami is probably in her chambers recovering."

She quickly looked away but was a second too late for I saw something flash in her eyes. I couldn"t identify it but it gave me an unpleasant feeling. It wasn"t until I found out about Mami"s true condition days later that I finally understood what it meant.

~~~

Kaname didn"t return to my room that day. For the first time in a long while, I slept with no one holding me close. Sleep evaded me, I tossed and turned and struggled to find the best sleeping position. It wasn"t until the wee hours of the morning came that my body finally surrendered to exhaustion.

I was awakened by Ryuko-san hours later for breakfast and medicine. After giving me a sponge bath, I went back to sleep. On the third day of his absence, I gave up waiting patiently and wrote him a note to apologize and ask him to come back. Thankfully, my hiragana[1] was good enough and readable. As a final touch, I applied some lipstick on my lips and kissed the paper before giving it to Nanami.

Unfortunately, he still didn"t come back. Two more days pa.s.sed and I was becoming more and more lonely. I didn"t stop trying and continued writing him notes. At exactly fifteen days after our quarrel, I was given the go signal by the inner palace"s physician to leave the room and take short walks.

I immediately grabbed the opportunity to go to Mami"s chambers and pay her a visit. Until now, no one has told me how she was doing. It was like everyone"s lips were sealed. With a bouquet of pale pink peonies, I went to her room.

~~~

After my arrival has been announced, one of the palace"s physicians as well as a handful of Mami"s maids escorted me to her bedroom. I noticed that the atmosphere in her chambers was somber. Gone was the cheerful vibe I always felt when visiting her. From the receiving parlor, I could already smell strong chemicals and herbs. They made me nauseous, I had to cover my nose to keep myself from vomiting.

"How is the official wife doing?" I asked the attending physician while giving the bouquet of flowers to one of the maids.

"Not much improvement," the doctor said sadly. "She still burns up occasionally and barely touches her food. It"s like she has lost the will to live."

I expected the worst when I heard this but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see. After knocking on the screen door, the doctor told Mami that I came to visit and asked if it was okay for me to come in. An almost inaudible yes came and I slowly slid the door open.

Mami was dressed in a white sleeping robe with her jet black hair tied in a messy bun. Her hip was propped on the windowsill with her back to me. As the windows inside her bedroom were fully opened, fresh air cleansed the almost hospital smell.

"Lady Mami, forgive me for not visiting you earlier," were the first words I said to her. "I had to recuperate and was just allowed to leave my room."

"It"s alright, Lady Hinata," Mami replied without turning to face me. "You don"t have to apologize, I heard you almost lost the twins."

"Yes, but thankfully Hinoha.r.s.ensei was able to save them," I took a few steps to join her by the window.

"Stay where you are," she said tersely. "You are not allowed to come near me."

"What do you mean?"

"Just do ad I say and don"t come near me."

"Are you angry at me?" I took another step.

She turned, pointed a finger at me, and yelled, "I said stay where you are!"

My eyes widened in shock and my hands flew to my mouth. This wasn"t real! My eyes were definitely playing tricks on me! "L-lady Mami, what happened to you!?"