My head maid looked at me with apprehension. She wrung her fingers as if debating whether she should speak up or not so I decided to initiate our conversation."Is there something wrong, Ryuko-san?" I asked.
"Forgive me and I do not mean to pry," she started, her head lowered. "But I overheard your conversation with Lady Ayaka just now. My lady, I do not think it would be wise to grant her request."
"I have the same thoughts. I just couldn"t say no to her directly."
"Kaname-sama will surely be confused let alone displeased if you refuse him, but if you don"t, Lady Ayaka might take it to heart."
"What do I do? This predicament is not an easy one." It was one of those d.a.m.ned if you don"t, d.a.m.ned if you do situations.
"My lady, I have a plan."
~~~
When the ringing of the suzu bells in the osuzu roka[1] was heard, all the highest ranking women in the inner palace knelt waiting for Kaname to enter. Upon hearing his footsteps, I moved my head slightly to catch a glimpse of him; the look on his face was something I did not expect. It was blank and void of any emotion, akin to a placid river.
Our eyes met but he hurriedly looked away, ignoring my unspoken query. He then stood before his official wife, when she looked up at him with a happy expression he offered her his hand. I watched as he hooked her arm to his, it could be just my imagination but I think I saw a flash of anger in his eyes when their skins touched.
When they disappeared to her quarters, I went back to my room slowly with my maids behind me. Shortly after I entered my room, Ayaka stomped her way inside.
"Lady Hinata, why did he choose Lady Mami?" were the words that came out of her mouth as soon as she saw me, her face crumpled into a deep frown.
"I do not know as well," I sat on a cushion, still deep in thought.
"It can"t be because he"s found her interesting again, can it?" she paced the room. "Impossible! Just impossible!"
"How could it be impossible?" I asked curiously. "She is his official wife."
She stopped her pacing then smiled weakly. "Of course she is. What I meant was Kaname-sama rarely visited her. Before you came, he"d spend his visits with me. Based on this fact, he could have either chosen you or me."
"Maybe he missed her so he decided to pay him a visit," I told her, making her see other possibilities.
"As the favorite wife, you sound quite relaxed. Aren"t you even jealous? Did you not even miss him?"
I looked away and busied my fingers with the ta.s.seled corner of the table runner before answering her, "I miss him, I"d be lying if I say that I didn"t wish for him to choose me earlier."
"I just don"t understand the shogun"s actions a while ago," she scratched her chin as she thought long and hard about what happened in the bell corridor. "I thought I"d finally be able to tell him about our child."
"Just be patient, you"ll be able to tell him about your child soon."
The door slid open. Yoko came in with a pot of fresh green tea and a plate of shoyu senbei. Ayaka"s eyes lit up and like the bunny that she is, automatically grabbed one of the rice crackers slathered with a glaze of soy sauce and nibbled on it. When we were once again alone, she complained about Kaname"s choice once more.
"Why did he choose her?" she was beginning to sound like a stuck pirated CD now. "I need to know why!"
"Lady Ayaka, wasn"t it you who said that we should mind our own business and focus on giving the shogun an heir?" I was trying to understand her as she seemed to be acting in contrast with what she said to me days ago. "You"re already on your way to fulfilling your purpose in the harem. You"ll bear Kaname-sama"s firstborn months from now. Don"t let his visit in Lady Mami"s quarters affect you."
"You don"t understand! I worked so hard to—" she chose to shake her head instead of continuing. "It may not be a big deal to you, but for me it is."
I stood up and patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Calm down, it won"t do the baby any good if you get riled up like this."
She breathed in and out deeply before forcing herself to smile. "Yes, you are right. I should not let this bother me too much, I can inform him next time. There will be other opportunities. Who knows? Maybe he"ll visit me later."
I smiled at her and lifted the teapot, "More tea?"
"Yes, please."
~~~
Unfortunately for the both of us, Kaname spent his second visit with Mami again. I didn"t antic.i.p.ate his third and last visit for the day because he mentioned he will be too busy to return in the evening. Mami didn"t seem to mind and nodded her head understandingly but Ayaka frowned as soon as she heard his announcement. They then disappeared to his official wife"s chamber once more while I returned to my room with a heavy heart.
The same thing happened during he next four days. Kaname would spend his morning and afternoon visits with Mami while completely disregarding both Ayaka and I in the process, he would then skip coming to the ooku in the evening.
Every time I saw him in the bell corridor, I would try to catch his eye to understand what he was up to. Sadly, I always ended up failing because he seemed to be purposely avoiding having eye contact with me.
Remembering our conversations the day before his "official" return to the palace, I couldn"t help but feel dejected. I know it was me who said I would understand and be patient with our situation, but after only four challenging days I already felt like giving up, throwing a tantrum, and demanding an explanation from him.
"It seems like my dear husband is out to test my patience and perseverance," I ran my fingers through my hair then sighed. "Well, so much for being levelheaded," I muttered to myself sarcastically.
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[1} Bell corridor.