My Soul Will Find Yours

"My lady," Kaname said. "You know the rules of the palace. I"m afraid I cannot grant your request."

"My lord, I only wish to be by your side everyday. This is the first time I asked something from you," Ayaka was sobbing now. "Please, grant my request."

"No woman is allowed in the nakoku," he reminded her. "I also cannot spend my days inside the ooku, you know that. My current position does not give me that much freedom. I haven"t visited the harem for days, have I not?"

"Hai," she answered, her word was barely a whisper.

"It is because I have to be away for a few days once more. I have to settle a few matters in different regions of the country. You understand that my duty will always come first, right?"

"I understand."

"Lady Ayaka, you are a daughter of a daimyo. I know you are strong and won"t let my absence hinder you from taking care of our child," out of the corner of my eye I saw him plant a kiss on her forehead. I felt a more painful stabbing on my chest. "While I"m away, will you promise me that you"ll be okay? That both you and our offspring will both remain healthy?"

Although my heart knew it was probably a bad idea, I found myself staring at my husband and his second wife once more.

"I promise, my lord," Ayaka said before standing on her tiptoes to wrap her arms on Kaname"s neck. When Kaname lowered his upper body slightly, she captured his lips in a pa.s.sionate kiss.

I stood rooted in place as I watched them kiss in front of me. I heard Ayaka moan when Kaname pulled him closer to intensify the kiss, her dainty fingers were ma.s.saging his nape as she kissed him back. Suddenly, I felt like I was transported back to Tyler"s room ten years ago. As the familiar pain of seeing my lover in someone else"s arms threatened to suffocate me, I willed myself to leave the room. Like a robot, I took each step with difficulty. My every move felt mechanical but I was able to make it to the hallway.

I took huge mouthfuls of air in an attempt to alleviate the pain I was feeling. Tears threatened to form in my eyes as I felt their corners sting. I patted my chest to comfort myself while counting to ten. I closed my eyes as I did so.

"Who am I kidding?" I mocked myself. "Exercise fairness? It was just a kiss but I already feel like dying."

I straightened up when I heard footsteps coming from the room. I tried my best to compose myself and make it seem like I"m alright. When Kaname emerged from the room, I bowed.

"We"re going back," he was looking at me as though he was searching for something. As if he didn"t find what he was looking for, he frowned and made his way to the door at the bell corridor.

I followed him like a dutiful guard and said nothing. The rest of our afternoon was spent attending three more meetings with several other bureaucrats. Thankfully, none of them were as intense as the first one because I was not in the best condition to undergo another rollercoaster of emotions.

~~~

I bathed with Kaname that night. Neither of us said a word as we immersed our body in the warm bath water. Ever since we left the ooku, our conversations have become a one question one answer thing. We were both lost in our thoughts, he was chewing over something while I wrestled with my inner demons.

"As someone who is part of the harem, your jealousy should not overrule your head," his words to Ayaka earlier kept echoing in my head. My chest still hurts and I barely made it through the day without breaking down.

"Ahh, this sucks," I shook my head.

"Something wrong?" Kaname asked, interrupting my inner dialogue.

"Nothing"s wrong," I lied and forced myself to smile.

"Ayaka betrayed you earlier," he reminded me. "Don"t act as if it"s no big deal."

"Of course it"s not."

"Then don"t say nothing is wrong."

"Tell me, Kaname, how do you want me to react?"

"Like a normal human being," his voice was slightly raised.

"What will a "normal human being" do?" I asked sarcastically.

"Get mad and get even!"

"I understand the first one but getting even is childish," I scoffed. "I am angry, for your information, but I am not getting even."

"Oh?" his smile didn"t reach his eyes. "You"ll just get mad and that"s it? And here I thought you were brave."

"Are you seriously mocking me because I am not plotting some sort of revenge against your pregnant wife?" I stressed the last two words. "I will let her betrayal pa.s.s because I need to be the bigger person and try to understand her. Besides, what"s there to be afraid of? You refuted her words, didn"t you? You told her that it was your decision to be with me. Why are you so riled up?"

"Yeah, yeah," he waved his hand dismissively. "I can never win in an argument with you. Your logic is always better."

His words grated at my nerves. "And what the h.e.l.l do you mean by that?"

"You"re intelligent, I"m sure you get what I mean."

I stood angrily and kicked the water so it hit his face. "I don"t know what"s eating you. You"re worse than a woman in her period!"

I slammed the door and left him alone in the bath. I walked to our dresser and chose a pretty sleeping robe in a futile attempt to calm myself. I just finished tying the sash into a ribbon when he emerged from the bath with nothing on. He went to the dresser and took a black sleeping robe.

I was tucking myself in bed he spoke again, "What exactly happened with you and the crown prince?"

I was about to answer him when he suddenly changed his question.

"Make that, how did you both meet? You never mentioned it to me."

I got up and faced him. "I first met him in the kabuki theater. I almost stepped on his hand while Ayaka and I were making our way to our seats. After the show, I received a note from him through his subordinate asking me to meet him in the theatre"s garden."