With my best guttural growl, I grabbed two of the offered gla.s.ses and popped them in my mouth, rolling my eyes as I chewed happily. It"s a good bit ... one that seldom fails to take folks aback. The gnome, however, never batted an eye.
"Don"t think I"ve seen you before. Stranger. What brings you to Arcadia?"
I decided to abandon any further efforts at intimidating him and instead got right to the point.
"Crunch looking for friend. Seen little woman . . . so high . . . with green hair?"
"As a matter of fact, she was just by a little bit ago. She a friend of yours?"
I nodded my head vigorously and showed my fangs.
"Crunch likes little woman. Pulled thorn from Crunch"s foot once. Where little woman go?"
"Well, she asked me where the police station was, then took off in that direction . . . that way."
An awfully nice chap, really. I decided I could afford to unbend a little.
"Crunch thanks nice man. If nice man needs strong friend, call Crunch, okay?"
"Sure thing. And if I can help you any more, just give a holler."
I left then before we got too chummy. I mean, there are precious few people who will be civil, much less nice, to a troll, and I was afraid of getting more interested in continuing my conversation with him than with finding Tananda. For the good of Arcadia, that would never do.
As it was, I guess my little chat had taken longer than I had realized, for when I found Tananda she was sitting dejectedly on the steps of the police station, her business inside apparently already concluded. Things must have gone better than I had dared hope, as she was not incarcerated, and the building was still standing.
"What ho, little sister," I called, as cheerily as I could manage. "You look a little down at the mouth. Problems?"
"Oh. Hi ... Chumley? What are you doing here?"
Fortunately, I had antic.i.p.ated this question and had my answer well rehea.r.s.ed. "Just taking a bit of a holiday. I promised Aahz I would stop by this dimension and check out a few potential investments, and when Skeeve said you were here as well, I thought I would stop by and see how you were doing."
"That can be summarized in one word," she said, resting her chin in her hands once more. "Lousy."
"Run into a spot of trouble? Come, come. Tell big brother all about it."
She gave a little shrug.
"There"s not all that much to tell. I"m here on a collection a.s.signment, so I thought I"d check with the local gendarmes to see if this guy had a record or if they knew where he was."
"And . . ."I prompted.
"Well, they know who he is all right. It seems he"s a wealthy philanthropist. . . has given millions for civic improvements, helps the poor, that kind of stuff."
I scratched my head and frowned.
"Doesn"t sound like the sort of chap to leave a bill unpaid, does he?"
"The real problem is going to be how to check it out. It seems he"s also a bit of a recluse. No one"s seen him for years."
I could see why she was depressed. It didn"t sound like the kind of ch.o.r.e that could be finished in record time, which is, of course, what she wanted to do to make a good showing.
"Could be a bit of a sticky wicket. Who is this chap, anyway?"
"The name is Hoos. Sounds like something out of Dr. Seuss, doesn"t it?"
"Actually, it sounds like a bank."
"How"s that again?"
Instead of repeating myself, I simply pointed. Across the street and three doors down was a building prominently labeled Hoos National Bank.
Tananda was on her feet and moving in a flash.
" "Thanks, Chumley. This may not be so bad after all."
"Don"t forget. We"re terribly close to the police station," I cautioned, hurrying to keep up.
"What do you mean, "we"?" she said, stopping abruptly. "This is my a.s.signment, big brother, so don"t interfere or get underfoot. Capish?"
Realizing I was here to try to keep her out of trouble, I thought it ill-advised to start a brawl with Tananda in the middle of a public street, much less in front of a police station.
"Perish the thought. I just thought I"d tag along . . . as an observer. You know I love watching you work. Besides, as Mums always said, "You can never tell when a friendly witness can come in handy." "
I"m not sure if my words a.s.sured her, or if she simply accepted that a confirming report wouldn"t hurt, but she grunted silently and headed into the bank.
The place was pretty standard for a bank: tellers" cages, tables for filling out deposit or withdrawal slips, etc. The only thing that was at all noteworthy was a special window for Inter-Dimensional Currency Exchange, which to me indicated that they did more demon business than might be expected for such an out-of-the-way dimension. I was going to point this out to Tananda, but she apparently had plans of her own. Without so much as a glance at the windows, she marched up to the manager"s office.
"May I help you. Miss?" the twitty-looking fellow seated there said with a notable lack of sincerity.
"Yes. I"d like to see Mr. Hoos."
That got us a long, slow once-over with the weak eyes, his gaze lingering on me for several extra beats. I did my best to look innocent . . . which is not that easy to do for a troll.
"I"m afraid that"s quite impossible," he said at last, returning his attention to the work on his desk.
I could sense Tananda fighting with her temper and mentally crossed my fingers.
"It"s extremely urgent."
The eyes flicked our way again, and he set his pencil down with a visible sigh.
"Then perhaps you"d better deal with me."
"I have some information for Mr. Hoos, but I think he"d want to hear it personally."
"That"s your opinion. If, after hearing it, I agree, then you might be allowed to repeat it to Mr. Hoos."
Stalemate.
Tananda seemed to recognize this as well.
"Well, I don"t want to start a panic, but I have it on good authority that this bank is going to be robbed."
I was a little surprised by this, though I did my best not to show it. The bank manager, however, seemed to take it in stride.
"I"m afraid you"re mistaken, young lady," he said with a tight smile.
"My sources are seldom wrong," she insisted.
"You"re new to Arcadia, aren"t you?"
"Well . . ."
"Once you"ve learned your way around, you"ll realize that there isn"t a criminal in the dimension who would steal from Mr. Hoos, much less try to rob his bank."
This Hoos chap was starting to sound like quite a fellow. Little sister, however, was not so easily deterred.
"What about a criminal from another dimension? Someone who isn"t so impressed with Mr. Hoos?"
The manager raised an eyebrow.
"Like who, for example?"
"Well... what if I and my friend here decided to..."
That was as far as she got.
For all his stuffiness, I had to admit the manager was good. I didn"t see him move or signal, but suddenly the bank was filled with armed guards. For some reason, their attention seemed to be centered on us.
I nudged Tananda, but she waved me off irritably.
". . . Of course, that was simply a "what if." "
"Of course," the manager smiled, without humor. "I believe our business is concluded. Good day."
"But ..."
"I said "Good day." "
With that he returned to his work, ignoring us completely.
It would have been bordering on lunacy to try to take on the whole room full of guards. I was therefore startled to realize little sister was starting to contemplate that very action. As casually as I could, I started whistling Gilbert and Sullivan"s "A Policeman"s Lot Is Not a Happy One" as a gentle reminder of the police station not half a block away. Tananda gave me a look that would curdle cream, but she got the message and we left without further ado.
"Now what, little sister?" I said, as tactfully as I could manage.
"Isn"t it obvious?"
I thought about that for a few moments.
"No," I admitted frankly. "Seems to me you"ve come up against a dead end."
" "Then you weren"t listening in there," she said, giving me one of her smug grins. "The manager gave me a big clue for where to try next."
"... And that was?"
"Don"t you remember he said no criminal would rob this Hoos guy?"
"Quite. So?"
". . . So if there"s a criminal connection here, I should be able to get some information out of the underworld."
That sounded a tad ominous to me, but I have long since learned not to argue with Tananda when she gets her mind set on something. Instead, I decided to try a different approach.
"Not to be a noodge," I noodged, "but how do you propose to find said underworld? They don"t exactly list in the yellow pages, you know."
Her pace slowed noticeably.
"That"s a problem," she admitted. "Still, there must be a way to get information around ..."
"Can I offer you a gla.s.s of cold juice. Miss?"
It was my friend from the morning with his vending cart. A part of me wanted to wave him off, as interrupting little sister in mid-scheme is not the healthiest of pastimes, but I couldn"t think of a way to do it without breaking character. Tananda surprised me, however. Instead of removing his head at the waist for breaking into her thought process, she turned her most dazzling smile on him.
"Well, hi there!" she purred. "Say, I never did get a chance to thank you for giving me directions to the police station this morning."
Now, little sister"s smiles can be devastating to the nervous system of anyone of the male gender, and this individual was no exception.
"Don"t mention it," he flushed. "If there"s anything else I can do to be of a.s.sistance ..."
"Oh, there is one teensy-tiny favor you could do for me."
Her eyelashes fluttered like mad, and the vendor melted visibly.
"Name it."
"Wellll . . . could you tell me where I could find a hardened criminal or five? You see, I"m new here and don"t know a soul I could ask."
I thought this was a little tacky and fully expected the vendor to refuse the information in a misdirected attempt to shelter the pretty girl from evil influences. The old boy seemed to take it in stride, however.
"Criminals, eh?" he said, rubbing his chin. "Haven"t had much dealings with that sort for a while. When I did, though, they could usually be found down at the Suspended Sentence."
"The what?"
"The Suspended Sentence. It"s a combination tavern/ inn. The owner opened it after getting off a pretty sticky trial. It seems the judge wasn"t wrong in letting him go, since he"s gone straight, as far as I can tell, but there"s a bad element that hangs out there. I think they figure some of the good luck might rub off on them."
Tananda punched me lightly in the ribs and winked. "Well, that sounds like my next stop. Where"d you say this place was, old timer?"
"Just a couple of blocks down the street there, then turn left up the alley. You can"t miss it."