"That"s great. Bunny! The Boss"ll be real proud of you when he hears."
That actually made her blush a little.
"I didn"t do it all by myself, you know. I wouldn"t have been able to prove anything if you hadn"t been feeding me duplicate records on the side."
"A mere trifling," I sez expansively. "I for one am goin" to make sure the Boss knows just what a gem he has workin" for him so"s you get your just esteem in his eyes."
"Thanks, Guido," she sez, layin" a hand on my arm. "I try to impress him, but sometimes I think ..."
She breaks off and looks away, and it occurs to me that she is about to commence leakin" at the eyes. In an effort to avert this occurrence which will undoubtedly embarra.s.s us both, I wrench the conversation back to our original topic.
"So what are they goin" to do with this b.u.m now that you caught him?"
"Nothing."
"Say what?"
"No, that"s not right. He"s going to get a promotion."
"Get outta here!"
She turns back, and I can see she"s now got an impish grin on, which is a welcome change.
"Really. It turns out he"s the owner"s brother-in-law. The owner is so impressed with the smarts it took to set up this scam that he"s giving the little creep a higher position in the organization. I guess he wants him stealing for the company instead of from it."
It takes me several moments to realize that my normally agile mouth is stuck in the open position.
"So where does that leave us?" I manage at last.
"With a successful investigation under our belts along with a fat bonus for resolving the thing so fast. I"ve got a hunch, though, that part of that bonus is gag money to ensure we don"t spread it around that the owner was being flimflammed by his own brother-in-law."
Now I am indeed glad that we have resolved the pilferage a.s.signment without implicatin" any of the worker types I have been buddies with, but at the same time I am realizin" that with the job over, I will not be around to help them out when the Doggie Doodle hits the fan.
"Well, that"s that, I guess. We"d better report in to the Boss and see what"s been happenin" while we"ve been gone."
"Is something wrong, Guido? You seem a little down."
"Aaah! It"s nothin". Bunny. Just thinkin" that I"ll miss some of the guys back at the plant, is all."
"Maybe not," she sez, real mysterious like.
Now it"s my turn to give her the hairy eyeball.
"Now, Bunny," I sez, "if you"ve got sumpin" up your sleeve other than lint, I would suggest you share it with me. You know I am not good when it comes to surprises."
"Well, I was going to wait until we got back home, but I suppose it won"t hurt to give you a preview."
She looks around like there might be someone listenin" in, then hunches forward so I can hear her whisper.
"I picked up a rumor back at the plant office that there may be a union forming at the magic factory. I"m going to suggest to Skeeve that we do a little prospecting . . . you know, put in a bid. Can you imagine what we could charge for breaking up a union?"
I develop a sudden interest in the ceiling.
"Uh, Bunny?" I sez. "I know you want to impress the Boss with how good you are at findin" work for us, but I think in the longer run that it would be in the best interests of M.Y.T.H. Inc. to pa.s.s on this particular caper."
"But why? The owner stands to lose ten times as much if a union forms than he was dropping to embezzlement. We could make a real killing here. He already knows our work."
In response, I lean back and give her a slow smile. "When it comes to makin" a killin", Bunny, I would advise you not to try to teach your grandmother, which in this case is me, how to steal sheep. Furthermore, there are times when it is wisest not to let the client know too much about your work . . . and trust me, Bunny, this is one such time!"
Chapter Two:.
"It all hinges on your definition of "a good time"!"
-L. BORGIA.
. . .AN OUTSIDE AGITATOR and a union organizer! And to think I was paying him to slit my throat!!"
I somehow managed to keep a straight face, which was harder than it sounds.
"Actually, Mr. Bane, I was paying him to help uncover the source of your inventory leak, which he did, and you were paying him to work in your factory, which he also did. I"m not sure exactly what it is that you"re complaining about."
For a moment I thought the Deveel was going to come across the desk at my throat.
"What I"m complaining about is that your so-called agent organized a union in my factory that"s costing me a bundle!"
"There"s no proof he was involved . . . ."
"So how come his name comes up every time...."
"... And even if he was, I"m not sure what concern it is of mine. I run a business, Mr. Bane, with employees, not slaves. What they do on their off hours is their affair, not mine."
"But he was acting as your agent!!!"
". . .To investigate the pilferage problem, which, I"m told, has been settled."
As we were speaking, Chumley poked his head into my office, saw what was going on, and came in all the way, shifting to his big bad troll persona as he did. In case you are wondering, I was working without a receptionist at the time, having deemed it wise to have both Bunny and Guido lie low for a while after finding out what had really happened on their last a.s.signment. As an additional precaution, I had insisted that they hide out separately, since I was afraid that Bunny would kill Guido if they were alone within an arm"s reach of each other. For some reason my secretary seemed to take Guide"s labor activities very personally.
"... Now, if you"ll excuse me, Mr. Bane, I"m rather busy at the moment. If you wish to pursue the matter further, I suggest you take it up with Big Crunch here. He usually handles the complaints for our company."
The Deveel started to speak angrily as he glanced behind him, then did a double-take and swallowed whatever it was he was about to say as his gaze went up ... and up! As I can testify from firsthand experience, trolls can look very large when viewed from up close.
"Little Deveel want to fight with Big Crunch? Crunch likes to fight!"
Bane pinked slightly, then turned back to me.
"Now look, Sk . . . Mr. Skeeve. All that"s in the past, right? What say we talk about what your outfit can do to help me with this labor thing."
I leaned back in my chair and put my hand behind my head.
"Not interested, Mr. Bane. Labor disputes are not our forte. If you"d like a little free advice, though, I"d advise you to settle. Prolonged strikes can be very costly."
The Deveel started to bare his teeth, then glanced at Chumley again and twisted it into a smile. In fact, he didn"t say another word until he reached the door, and even then he spoke with careful respect.
"Um ... if it ain"t asking too much, could you send this Guido around, just to say hi to the workers? What with him disappearing the way he did, there are some who are saying that I had him terminated. It might make things a little easier for me in the negotiations."
"I"ll ask him . . . next time I see him."
The Deveel nodded his thanks and left.
"Bit of a sticky wicket, eh, Skeeve?" Chumley said, relaxing back into his normal self.
"Just another satisfied customer of M.Y.T.H. Inc. stopping by to express his grat.i.tude," I sighed. "Remind me not to send Guido out on a.s.signment again without very explicit instructions. Hmmmm?"
"How about a muzzle and leash?"
I shook my head and sat forward in my chair again, glancing over the paperwork that seemed to breed on my desk whenever Bunny was away.
"Enough of that. What can I do for you, Chumley?"
"Hnun? Oh, nothing, really. I was just looking for little sister to see if she wanted to join me for lunch. Has she been about?"
"Tananda? As a matter of fact, I just sent her out on an a.s.signment. Sorry."
"No matter. What kind of work are you giving the old girl, anyway?"
"Oh, nothing big," I said, rummaging through the paper for the letter I had been reading when Bane burst in. "Just a little collection job a few dimensions over."
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR b.l.o.o.d.y MIND??!!!" Chumley was suddenly leaning over my desk, his two moon eyes of different sizes scant inches from my own. It occurred to me that I had never seen the troll really angry. Upon viewing it, I sincerely hoped I would never see it again. That is, of course, a.s.suming I could survive the first time.
"Whoa! Chumley! Calm! What"s wrong?"
"YOU SENT HER OUT ON A COLLECTION JOB ALONE?".
"She should be all right," I said hastily. "It sounded like a pretty calm mission. In fact, that"s why I sent her instead of one of our heavy hitters ... I thought the job called for finesse, not muscle. Besides, Tananda can take care of herself pretty well."
The troll groaned and let his head fall forward until it thudded on my desk. He stayed that way for a few moments, breathing deeply, before he spoke.
"Skeeve . . . Skeeve . . . Skeeve. I keep forgetting how new you are to our little family."
This was starting to get me worried.
"C"mon, Chumley, what"s wrong? Tananda will be okay, won"t she?"
The troll raised his head to look at me.
"Skeeve, you don"t realize ... we all relax around you, but you never see us when you aren"t around."
Terrific.
"Look, Chumley. Your logic is as enviable as ever, but can"t you just say what the problem is? If you think Tananda"s in danger ..."
"SHE"S NOT THE ONE I"M WORRIED ABOUT!".
With visible effort, Chumley composed himself.
"Skeeve ... let me try to explain. Little sister is a wonderful person, and I truly love and admire her, but she has a tendency to ... overreact under pressure. Mum always said it was her compet.i.tive reaction to having an older brother who could tear things apart without trying, but some of the people she"s worked with tend to simply describe it as a mean streak. In a nutsh.e.l.l, though, Tananda has a bigger flair for wanton destruction than I do ... or anyone else I"ve ever met. Now, if this job you"re describing calls for finesse ..."
He broke off and shook his head.
"No," he said with a ring of finality to his voice. "There"s no other way to handle it. I"ll just have to catch up with her and try to keep her from getting too out of hand. Which dimension did you say she was headed for again?"
The direct question finally snapped me out of the mindfreeze his explanation had put me in.
"Really, Chumley. Aren"t you exaggerating just a little? I mean, how much trouble could she cause?"
The troll sighed. "Ever hear of a dimension called Rinasp?"
"Can"t say that I have."
"That"s because there"s no one there anymore. That"s the last place little sister went on a collection job."
"I"ve got the name of the dimension here somewhere!" I said, diving into my paperwork with newfound desperation. Chumley"s Tale DASH IT ALL TO BLAZES anyway! You"d think by now that Skeeve would have the sense to look a bit before he leaped ... especially when his leaping tends to involve others as it does! If he thinks that Tananda can"t ... If he can"t figure out that even I don"t . . . Well, he has no idea of the way our Mum raised us, is all I"ve got to say.
Of course, one cannot expect wonders from a Klahd raised by a Pervert, can one . . . hmmm?? Well, Chumley old boy, time to muddle through one more time, what?
I must admit this latest collection a.s.signment for Tananda had me worried. At her best little sister tends to lack tact, and lately . . .
As near as I can tell, there was bad blood building between her and Bunny. They had never really hit it off well, but things had gotten noticeably sticky since Don Bruce"s niece set her cap for Skeeve. Not that little sister had any designs on the lad herself, mind you. If anything, her feelings toward him are more sisterly than anything else . . . Lord help him. Rather it seems that it"s Bunny"s tactics that are setting Tananda"s teeth on edge.
You see, what with Bunny trying to be so spit-spot efficient on the job to impress Skeeve, little sister has gotten it into her head that it"s making her look bad professionally. Tananda has always been exceedingly proud of her looks and her work, and what with Bunny strutting around the office going on about how well the last a.s.signment went, she feels a wee bit threatened on both counts. As near as I could tell, she was bound and determined to prove that what she had picked up in the Guttersnipe Survival School was more than a match for the education Bunny had acquired at whatever finishing school the Mob had sent her to. Combined with her normal tendency for over-exuberance, it boded ill for whoever it was she was out to collect from.
I was also underwhelmed by the setting for this pending disaster. I mean, really, what kind of name is Arcadia for a dimension? It sounds like one of those confounded video parlors. I probably would have been hard-pressed to even find it if I hadn"t gotten directions along with the name. The coordinates dropped me at the edge of a town, and since they were the same ones little sister had used, I could only a.s.sume I wasn"t far behind her.
At first viewing, Arcadia seemed pleasant enough; one might almost be tempted to call it quaint-the kind of quiet, sleepy place where one could relax and feel at home. For some reason, I found myself fervently hoping it would be the same when we left.
My casual inspection of the surroundings was cut short by a hail from nearby.
"Welcome to Arcadia, Stranger. Can I offer you a cool gla.s.s of juice?"
The source pf this greeting was a rather gnomish old man who was perched on the seat of a tricycle vending cart. He seemed to take my appearance, both my physical makeup and my presence at this time and place, so casually I almost replied before remembering that I had a front to maintain. It"s a bit of a bother, but I"ve found no one will hire a well-mannered troll.
"Good! Good! Crunch thirsty!"