"I"M NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU!!" I.
shrieked at the Djin, barely aware my voice had changed.
"Don"t you think I want to keep you around? Don"t you think I know that my odds of finding Aahz on my own in this wacko dimension are next to zip? d.a.m.n-lit, Kalvin, I"M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU!!!".
"Um . . . maybe you could be a little less nice and quit shouting?"
I realized that I had backed him across the sidewalk and currently had him pinned against the wall with the force of my "niceness." I took a long, deep breath and tried to bring myself under control.
"Look," I said carefully, "I didn"t mean to yell at you.
It"s just ..."
Something trickled down my face and it dawned on me that I was on the verge of tears. On the verge, heck! I was starting to cry. I cleared my throat noisily, covertly wiping away the tear as I covered my mouth, hoping Kalvin wouldn"t notice. If he did, he was too polite to say anything.
"Let me try this again from the top."
I drew a ragged breath.
"You"ve been a big help, Kalvin, more than I could have ever hoped for when I opened your vial. Your advice has been solid, and if I"ve been having trouble it"s because I didn"t listen to it enough."
I paused, trying to organize my thoughts.
"I"m not trying to get rid of you . . . really. I"d like nothing better than to have you stick around at least until I found Aahz. I just don"t want to trade on our friendship. I 135.
got your services in a straightforward business deal. . . one you had no say in, if your account of how Djinger works is accurate. If I sounded a bit cold when I told you I thought our contract was complete, it"s because I was fighting against begging you to stay. I was afraid that if I did, it would put you in a bad position . . . actually, it would put me in a bad position. If I made a big appeal to you and you said no, it would leave us both feeling pretty bad at the end of what otherwise has been a mutually beneficial a.s.sociation.
The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be if you agreed to stay out of pity. Then I"d feel guilty as long as you were around, knowing all the while that you could and should be going about your own business, and would be if I weren"t so weak that I can"t handle a simple task by myself."
The tears were running freely now, but I didn"t bother trying to hide them. I just didn"t care anymore.
"Mostly what you"ve done," I continued, "is to keep me company. I"ve felt scared and alone ever since I hit this dimension ... or would have if you hadn"t been along.
I"m so screaming afraid of making a mistake that I"d prob- ably freeze up and do nothing unless I had somebody in tow to applaud when I did right and to carp at me when I did wrong . . . just so I"d know the difference. That"s how insecure I am ... I don"t even trust my own judgment as to whether I"m right or not in what I do! The trouble is, I haven"t been doing so well in the friendship department lately. Aahz walked out on me, the M.Y.T.H. team thinks I"ve deserted them . . . heck, I even managed to offend J.R. by trying to say thanks with my wallet instead of my mouth."
It occurred to me I was starting to ramble. Making a feeble pa.s.s at my tear-streaked face with my sleeve, I forced a smile.
136.
"Anyway, I can"t see imposing on you, either as a friend or a business a.s.sociate, just to hold my hand in troubled times. That doesn"t mean I"m not grateful for what you"ve done or that I"m trying to get rid of you. I"d appreciate it if you stuck around but I don"t think I have any right to ask you to."
Having run out of things to say, I finished with a half- hearted shrug. Strangely enough, after bearing my soul and clearing my mind of the things which had been troubling me, I felt worlds better.
"Are you through?"
Kalvin was still hovering patiently with his arms folded.
Perhaps it was my imagination, but there seemed to be a terse edge to his voice.
"I guess so. Sorry for running on like that."
"No problem. Just as long as I get my innings."
"Innings?"
"A figure of speech," he waved. "In this case, it means it"s my turn to talk and your turn to listen. I"ve tried before, but it seems like every time I start, we get interrupted . . .
or you get drunk."
I grimaced at the memory.
"I didn"tmean to get drunk. It"s just thati"ve never..."
"Hey! Remember? It"s my turn," the Djin broke in. "I want to say . . . just a second."
He made a sweeping gesture with his hand and . . . grew!
Suddenly he was the same size I was.
"There, that"s better!" he said, dusting his hands to- gether. "It"ll be a littler harder to overlook me now."
I was about to ask for a full accounting of his "meager"
powers, but his last comment had stung me.
"I"m sorry, Kalvin. I didn"t mean to . . ."
"Save it!" he ordered, waving his hand. "Right now it"s my turn. There"ll be lots of time later for you to wallow in 137.
guilt. If not, I"m sure you"ll make the time."
That had a nasty sound to it, but I subsided and gestured for him to continue.
"Okay," he said, "first, last, and in between, you"re wrong, Skeeve. It"s hard for me to believe such a right guy can be so wrong."
It occurred to me that I had already admitted my confi- dence in my perception of right and wrong was at an all time low. I didn"t verbalize it, though. Kalvin had said he wanted a chance to have his say, and I was going to do my best to not interrupt. I owed him that much.
"Ever since we met, you"ve been talking about right and wrong as if they were absolutes. According to you, things are either right or they"re wrong . . . period. "Was Aahz right to leave?" . . . Are you wrong to try to bring him back? . . . Well, my young friend, life isn"t that simple.
Not only are you old enough to know that, you"d better learn it before you drive yourself and everyone around you absolutely crazy!"
He began to float back and forth in the air in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back. I supposed it was his equivalent of pacing.
"It"s possible for you, or anyone else to not be right and still not be wrong, just as you can be right from a business standpoint, but wrong from a humanitarian viewpoint. The worlds are complex, and people are a hopless tangle of contradictions. Conditions change not only from situation to situation.and person to person, but from moment to mo- ment as well. Trying to kid yourself that there"s some master key to what"s right and wrong is ridiculous . . . worse than that, it"s dangerous, because you"ll always end up feeling incompetent and inadequate when it eludes you."
Even though I was having trouble grasping what he was saying, that last part rang a bell. It described with uncom- 138 fortable accuracy how I felt about myself more often than not! I tried to listen more closely.
"You"ve got to accept that life is complicated and often frustrating. What"s right for you may not be right for Aahz.
There are even times when there is no right answer . . .
just the least objectionable of several bad choices. Recognize that, then don"t waste time and energy wondering why it is or railing that it"s unfair . . . accept it."
"I ... I"ll try," I said "but it"s not easy."
"Of course it"s not easy!" the Djin shot back. "Who ever said it was easy? Nothing"s easy. Sometimes it"s less difficult than at other times, but it"s never easy. Part of your problem is that you keep thinking things should be easy, so you a.s.sume the easy way is the right way. Case in point: You knew it would be hard to ask me to stay on after I had fulfilled the contract, so you decided the right thing to do was not to ask . . . ignoring how hard it would be for you to keep hunting for Aahz without me."
"But if it would be easier for me if you stayed ..."
"That"s right. It"s a contradiction," Kalvin grinned.
"Confusing, isn"t it? Forget right and wrong for a while.
What do you want?"
That one was easy.
"I"d like you to stay and help me look for Aahz," I said firmly.
The Djin smiled and nodded.
"Not a chance," he replied.
"What?"
"Did I stutter? I said ..."
"I know what you said!" I cut him off. "It"s just that you said ... I mean before you said ..."
"Oh, there"s no problem in your asking me ... or in your terms. I"m just not going to stay."
By now my head was spinning with confusion, but I tried 139.
to maintain what little poise I had left.
" ... But I thought... Oh, well. I guess I was mistaken."
"No you weren"t. If you had asked me in the first place, I would have stayed.
"Then why . . ."I began, but the Djin waved me into silence.
"I"m sorry, Skeeve. I shouldn"t tease you with head games at a time like this. What changed my mind was something you said while you were explaining why you didn"t ask. You said you were scared and insecure, which is only sane, all things considered. But then you added something about how you were afraid to trust your own judgment and therefore needed someone else along to tell you whether you were right or not."
He paused and shook his head.
"I can"t go along with that. I realized then that if I stayed, I"d fall into the same trap all your other colleagues have . . .
of inadvertently doing your thinking for you when we ex- press our own opinions. The sad thing is that we aren"t, really. You decide yourself what advice you do and don"t listen to. The trouble is, you only remember when you go against advice and it goes wrong . . . like when you got drunk tonight. Any correct judgment calls you a.s.sume were made by your "advisors." Well, you"ve convinced me that you"re a right guy, Skeeve. Now all you have to do is convince yourself. That"s why I"m going to head on back to Djinger and let you work this problem out on your own.
Right or wrong, there"ll be no one to take the credit or share the blame. It"s all yours. I"m betting your solution will be right."
He held out his hand. I took it and carefully shook hands with this person who had been so much help to me.
"I ... well, thanks, Kalvin. You"ve given me a lot to think about."
140.
"It"s been a real pleasure, Skeeve . . . really. Good luck in finding our friend. Oh, say ..."
He dug something out of his waistband and placed it in my hand. As he released it, it grew into a full-sized business card.
"That"s my address on Djinger. Stay in touch . . . even if it"s just to let me know how this whole thing turns out."
"I will," I promised. "Take care of yourself, Kalvin . . .
and thanks again!"
"Oh, and one more thing . . . about your having problems with your friends? Forget trying to be strong. Your real strength is in being a warm, caring person. When you try to be strong, it comes across as being cold and insensitive.
Think about it."
He gave one last wave, folded his arms, and faded from view.
I stared at the empty s.p.a.ce for a few moments, then started the walk back to my hotel alone. I knew where it was . . . what I didn"t know was where Djinger was.
Chapter Fifteen:.
"Easy credit terms available ..."
-SATAN "I HEAR YOU got jumped last night."
I paused in mid-move of easing myself into the cab"s back seat to give the cabbie a long stare.
"... And good morning to you, too, Edvick," I said drily. "Yes, thank you, I slept very well."
My sarcasm was not lost on the driver ... a fact for which I was secretly grateful. Sometimes I have cause to wonder about my powers of communication.
"Hey! Nothing personal. It"s just that people talk, ya know?""
"No, I don"t . . . but I"m learning."
It seemed that however large and populated Perv appeared to be, there was a thriving network of gossip lurking just out of sight.