Dallas Walker died in that car, but Dallas Lark is alive and well.
I"ve been settling for some half-a.s.s version of my dream, a pathetic piece of it instead of the real deal.
I want to make music and record an alb.u.m, but I want to do it with my band. And more than any of that, whatever I do with my life, I want Robyn Breeland beside me. I want us to raise our kid together. I want to be the kind of dad my father was, and his father before him. I want to be at the birth and all the birthday parties after that.
I can"t do that from a different country.
Paramedics are surrounding us and only some of them speak English.
They climb in to help us out. The driver is disoriented so they put him on a stretcher.
A blond girl who looks barely old enough to drive a car places b.u.t.terfly st.i.tches down my arm in the back of a funky-looking ambulance.
"There. That"ll hold until we get to the hospital." She looks into my eyes. "Sir? I need to ask you a few questions. Do you know what day it is?"
"Um, Thursday?"
She gives me a smile and a nod. "And do you know your name?"
I glance down at my new st.i.tches as she wraps my arm in gauze. Something Afton Tate says comes back to me. He said if I let Mandy and the industry change me, then I didn"t really make it big-someone else did. He was right.
"Lark," I tell her. "My name is Dallas Lark."
And I"m not going to the hospital like she thinks. I"m getting the h.e.l.l out of here. I will be d.a.m.ned if my girl is going to text me the s.e.x of our baby. I will be at that appointment tomorrow come h.e.l.l or high water.
41Robyn.
"SWEETIE, COME ON NOW. YOU HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING. YOUR mom is worried sick and frankly so am I." Katie is holding a bowl of soup but I can"t even imagine putting the broth in my mouth. "Whether you"re hungry or not, the baby needs nourishment."
"I have to call his sister. She needs to know. It will be on the news soon and what if she-"
"One of Jase"s PR people already called her, Robyn. I talked to her last night. She"s worried, too, but she"s okay. Relax. They are doing everything they can to find Dallas. We can go to Amarillo and see her after your appointment. But first, eat."
I stare at the fleshy noodles swimming in the soup. There is a human being growing inside me and no matter how I feel, it"s not okay to let my baby go hungry.
I close my eyes and gag on several bites. "That"s the best I can do for now," I tell my roommate. "I"m sorry."
"It"s fine. You did your best. Let"s get some clothes on so you can get to your appointment."
I shake my head. "I can"t go. I was supposed to text him a picture."
I look at my phone. Nothing. I"ve texted, I"ve left a dozen messages telling him to call me, that I love him and need to know that he"s okay.
No response.
Now I know how he felt when I blew him off before. The only difference is, he knew I was alive.
After Katie helps me get dressed and puts me in the car, the tremors come back. Instead of crying, my body has decided to do this weird seizing that scares Katie half to death.
"Even if you don"t want them to tell you if you"re carrying a boy or a girl today, it"s good to check on the baby. And I"d like to see if they can give you something mild to calm your nerves while we wait for news."
Her knuckles are white on the steering wheel. I"m stressing her out and I feel bad but I can"t hide this. I"ve always been so good at hiding my emotions, keeping up the tough-chick exterior, but I can"t anymore.
"Did I ever tell you why we broke up?" My throat is raw and my words are raspy.
Katie glances over at me. "No. I don"t think so."
I lean my head against the window, agitated that the sun has the audacity to shine today. It"s cold out, but the d.a.m.n sky couldn"t even cooperate with my gloomy mood.
"I was supposed to go on a six-week summer tour with his band, help with their outreach and social media and such." I close my eyes. I can still remember it so clearly. I was so excited about the road trip. We"d both been so busy-me with school and him with odd jobs and the band-we were looking forward to the time together. "I had a music mix made and everything. A lifetime supply of beef jerky. All the road trip must-haves. That was supposed to be an epic summer."
"Sounds fun."
I swallow hard while trying not to lose myself in the memories. "It should"ve been. But then my mom got sick. She had stage two breast cancer. The lumpectomy wasn"t enough. She spent the summer in chemo treatments."
"I"m so sorry, Robyn. I didn"t know."
"She"s doing really great now and she"s big on looking forward, so I try not to dwell."
"Sounds smart," Katie says, side-eying me as she drives. "But surely Dallas understood. I mean it wasn"t like you just blew him off for no reason. It was your mom."
"I didn"t tell him. I just bailed on the trip and told him I thought we needed some s.p.a.ce. I can"t even remember exactly what I said. But it hurt him. It hurt us. When he came back at the end of the summer things were different. Over."
I don"t tell her how many nights I lay awake wondering how things might have been different if I"d just told him the truth.
"Wow. Well . . . You were young, Robyn. People make mistakes. I"m sure Dallas has made plenty. He"s probably forgotten all about it by now."
"He hasn"t. He mentioned it in Nashville, when I tried to blow him off the night I got sick. And we talked about it a little in the airport before he left." Tears stream down my face as I continue. "I almost did the same thing with the pregnancy. I just didn"t want to stand in the way of his dreams, you know? Just like I didn"t want this baby to derail his success like I ended up doing that summer even though it was the last thing I wanted. But now I have this piece of him forever and I can"t even be grateful for that. I keep thinking, what if this is all that"s left? What if I never get to see him or hold him or kiss him again?"
"Don"t think like that. Let"s just focus on today, okay?"
Katie does her best to console me, but I"m gone, over the edge of sanity and dissolving into a puddle of misery. I can"t wipe my tears away fast enough.
Everything that happens after that is fuzzy. We go into the sterile gray offices and wait until they call my name. The technician does the ultrasound, placing it in an envelope and telling me the baby"s s.e.x is printed on there for when I"m ready to look.
Katie, G.o.d love her, murmurs softly to the doctor about what"s going on with the father, but she doesn"t name him, which I am grateful for. I hear them talking about bed rest and keeping my stress level and blood pressure down.
I leave with my envelope in hand feeling grateful for Katie but knowing I"m going to have to start handling these things on my own. Just like I will have to face the rest of my life on my own.
Katie squeezes my hand as we leave the office and step out into the sunshine. I stare at the sidewalk. The not knowing is awful, but I think it might be better than confirmation that he"s gone.
"Robyn," Katie gasps, squeezing my free hand. "Look up, sweetie."
I rub my eyes behind my sungla.s.ses. They"re still sore from crying. "Why? Can"t you be my Seeing-Eye friend? My head is killing me."
"Because you need to see for yourself. Dallas is fine. He"s okay."
"What? How do you know that?" My heart races nearly out of my chest as I look around for a newsstand or television screen or something announcing this.
She laughs, grips me by my shoulders, and turns me to face the opposite direction. "Because he"s standing right there."
42Dallas.
ROBYN COMES OUT OF THE BUILDING JUST AS I"M CROSSING THE street and I finally feel like I"ve found my center of gravity.
Two hitched rides, a flight with a layover that involved a dead sprint across an airport, and one smelly cab ride later, I made it. Judging from the envelope in her hand, I missed her appointment, but I promise myself that it"s the last one I"ll miss.
"There"s my girl," I say as she bolts across the street and into my arms. "Hey, baby."
She"s a wreck, crying and sobbing and saying incoherent words I can"t make a single bit of sense of. I look over her head at her a.s.sistant.
"Did I miss the appointment? Is the baby okay?"
In the second Katie hesitates, my confidence falters.
"You did but the baby"s fine," Katie tells me, ending the agony. "Everything is fine. I"ll let you two talk. My car"s on level D," she tells us, nodding to the parking garage across the street. "I"ll wait as long as you need me to until y"all are ready to go. It"s good to see you, Dallas."
"Oh, thank G.o.d. You, too. We"ll be up in a minute." I hold Robyn tightly until she pulls back to look at my face. I grin when she touches it like she can"t believe I"m here. "I"m sorry I missed the ultrasound. I got here as soon as I could. Are you going to tell me if we"re having a girl or a boy or leave me hanging in suspense?"
Robyn looks at me like I"m speaking Greek.
Then she squeezes me hard enough to hurt just before whacking me hard in the chest and starting to cry all over again.
"I thought you were dead, Dallas Lark. What the h.e.l.l happened down there? They said you were unaccounted for after the accident." Noticing my arm for the first time, she pales. The b.u.t.terfly st.i.tches are caked in dried blood. "Oh my G.o.d."
"We were in an accident and I decided to come home instead of checking into a hospital in Rio. My phone was destroyed but my arm will be okay. It"s fine. I"ll be playing guitar in no time."
Maybe. Truth is, I haven"t even stopped to think about that yet.
Right now the most important thing isn"t my arm, it"s in my arms. Both of the most important things.
"Dallas . . ." Those shining exotic-jewel eyes I love so much stare up at me.
"Yeah, baby?"
"I"m so sorry. For everything. For not telling you when my mom got sick and for getting pregnant when-"
I cut her off with a kiss, pressing my lips harder against hers until the fight goes out of her body.
"Do not apologize for giving me the greatest gift in the entire world. We"re in this together, Robyn. For always, okay?"
She nods against my chest. "For always."
Her body trembles in my arms and I know it"s already a huge moment, but there"s more I have to say and I have to say it now.
Pulling back, I look into her beautiful face. "My luggage was already gone, except for one thing. I keep it on me almost all the time. It was in a carry-on bag that was salvaged from the car and I need to give it to you."
I pull the ring out of my pocket, wishing I"d had time to find a nice velvet box to place it in. But it was given to me in a plastic bag with Mom"s belongings after she and my father were killed. If Dixie had wanted it, I would"ve let her have it, but some part of me wanted desperately to give it to someone someday. I just didn"t realize how soon that someday would come. But I think I knew this girl was my someone the day she yanked me up by the arm and made me listen to her favorite song in the back of a pickup truck.
"This was my mom"s, but before I ask you to accept it, I need to tell you something. Several somethings."
Robyn swallows hard and nods eagerly for me to continue.
"I know how this looks. How it must seem and maybe even how it will be portrayed in the media. But I don"t care about that. I care about us. Because the most important thing here is us."
She sniffles, which I take as agreement.
"And I don"t want you to say yes because you"re pregnant. I don"t want you to say yes because I was in an accident and you were worried. I don"t even want you to say yes out of pity for the poor sucker who walked away from his entire career to come ask you this very question. You with me so far?"
She nods. "Um, I-I think so."
I pull in as much oxygen as my lungs can hold and drop to one knee. "Robyn Breeland, I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I want you to marry me because I can"t lose you. Not for music, not because of crazy managers, or c.o.c.ky country music singers who charm their way into your life-present company excluded-and definitely not because of my own fear of not being able to give you everything you deserve. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy because if I lost you, I"d have lost my best friend, my heart and soul, my muse, my everything."
A small cry breaks free and Robyn gapes down at me with watery eyes.
"I want to be successful. I want to make music. I love being onstage-creating that experience for the audience-and I"ll never pretend otherwise. That is my dream. But nothing, and I mean nothing, is worth losing you. I will not walk away from my family ever again. And if you say no today, then I will keep asking. Because you are my family, baby. You"re my family forever."
f.u.c.k. Now I can"t keep my s.h.i.t together, either.
"Dallas," she says, surprisingly calmly. "Just give me a second."
That wasn"t a yes. I am not moving from this spot until she says yes.
"Stand up."
I shake my head. "Not until you say yes."
"Please. I need you up here with me. We need to talk."
"We will talk. After you say yes."
She huffs out a breath. "I just spent twenty-four hours thinking you were dead. You have no idea what I"ve been through. And now there"s this. Stand up right now, Dallas Walker Lark, or I"m bringing my pregnant self down there."
I do as I"m told.
"I love you," she says, clutching my hands tightly. "And I want you. Only you. I want us. Always. But I don"t want to be the reason you miss out on your dreams, Dallas. I don"t want you to look at me and our child in a few years-or even sooner-and wish you weren"t stuck with us and that you"d stayed on that tour. I love you enough not to cost you your dream. So I will say yes, on one condition."
"Name it." I want to tell her I will never feel that way, that I know this because I had the fame and when I had it without her it didn"t matter. But right now I just want to get this ring on her d.a.m.n finger so I can breathe again.
"Promise me you will not give up on your dreams. Promise me you won"t pa.s.s up opportunities to succeed even if it means upsetting me. Promise on everything that you will be honest with me always. None of that sissy sparing each other"s feelings stuff for us, okay?"