Never Never.
Part Three.
Colleen Hoover, Tarryn Fisher.
For Jo Popper.
The first thing I notice is the pounding in my chest. Itas so fast itas painful. Why would a heart need to pound this hard? I breathe deeply through my nose and open my eyes on the exhale.
Then I throw myself back.
Luckily, Iam on a bed and I tumble onto a mattress. I roll away from the man staring intently at me, and land on my feet. I squint at him while backing up. Heas watching me, but he hasnat moved. This eases the pounding in my chest a little. A little.
Heas young. Not quite a man, maybe late teens or early twenties. I have the urge to run. A dooraI need to find a door, but if I take my eyes off him, he maya aWho the h.e.l.l are you?a I ask. It doesnat matter who he is. I just need to distract him while I find a way out of here.
Heas quiet for a moment as he sizes me up. aI was about to ask you the same thing,a he says.
His voice makes me stop shuffling sideways for a few seconds. Itas deepacalm. Deeply calm. Maybe Iam overreacting. I make to answer hima"which would be the reasonable thing to do when someone asks you who you area"but I canat.
aI asked you first,a I say. Why does my own voice sound so unfamiliar? I raise a hand to my throat and wrap it around my neck.
aIaa he hesitates. aI donat know?a aYou donat know?a I say in disbelief. aHow could you not know?a I spot the door and edge closer, keeping my eyes on him. Heas on his knees on the bed, but he looks tall. His shoulders are wide and pull against the t-shirt heas wearing. If he comes at me, I doubt Iad be able to fight him off. My wrists look small. Look small? Why donat I know that my wrists are small?
This is it. I have to do it.
I dart for the door. Itas only a few feet away; if I can get it open I can run for help. I scream as I run. Itas bloodcurdling, a real ear sore. My hand wraps around the k.n.o.b and I look back to see where he is.
Heas in the same spot, his eyebrows raised. aWhy are you screaming?a I stop. aWhyawhy arenat you coming after me?a Iam right in front of the door. Technically I can open the door and run out of here before heas even off the bed. He knows that, and I know that, so why isnat he trying to stop me?
He pa.s.ses a hand over his face and shakes his head, sighing deeply. aWhatas your name?a he asks.
I open my mouth to tell him itas none of his business, and then realize that, I donat know. I donat know what my freaking name is.
In that casea aDelilah.a aDelilaha?a he asks.
Itas pretty dark, but I swear heas smiling. aYeahais that not good enough for you?a He shakes his head. aDelilahas a great name,a he says. aListenaDelilah. I donat know exactly what weare doing here, but right behind your head thereas a piece of paper stuck to the door. Can you pull that off and read it?a Iam afraid that if I turn around heall attack me. I reach a hand back without looking and feel around. I pull the piece of paper off the door and bring it in front of my face.
Charlie! Donat open this door yet! That guy in the room with youayou can trust him. Walk back to the bed and read all the notes. Theyall explain everything.
aI think itas for you,a I tell him. aIs your name Charlie?a I look back up at the guy on the bed. Heas reading something too. He looks up and holds a small white rectangle toward me.
aLook at it,a he says.
I take a step forward, and then another, and then another. Itas a driveras license. I study the picture and then his face. Same person.
aIf your name is Silas, who is Charlie?a aYou are,a he says.
aI am?a aYes.a He bends to pick up a piece of notebook paper from the bed. aIt says so right here.a He holds the paper out to me and I hand him back his driveras license.
aCharlie isnat a girlas name,a I say. I start to read whatas written on the pages and everything else falls away. I drop heavily to the edge of the bed and sit down.
aWhat the h.e.l.l?a The Silas guy is reading too. His eyes trace over the paper he holds in front of his face. I sneak looks at him while heas reading, and when I do, my heart beats a little bit faster.
I read more. I grow more and more confused. The notes are supposedly from me and this guy, but nothing makes any sense. As Iam reading, I grab a nearby pen and copy the paper I found on the door, to see if I really did write it myself.
The handwriting is a perfect match.
aWhoa, whoa, whoa!a I say. aThis is nuts!a I put the page down and shake my head. How can any of this be true? Itas like reading a novel. Lost memories, fathers who betrayed their families, voodoo. My G.o.d. Suddenly I feel like I want to barf.
Why canat I remember who I am? What I did yesterday? If what these notes say are truea Iam about to voice this when Silas hands me another sheet of paper.
You only have 48 hours. Do not focus on why you canat remember things or how weird it all feels. Focus on figuring this out before you forget again.
~Charlie Itas my handwriting again. aIam convincing,a I say.
He nods.
aSoawhere are we?a I turn around in a full circle, noticing the freshly eaten food on the table. Silas points to one of those little paper tents on the nightstand. A hotel. In New Orleans. Great.
Iam walking toward the window to take a peek outside when thereas a knock at the hotel door. We both freeze and look in that direction.
aWho is it?a Silas yells at the door.
aItas me!a A voice replies.
Silas motions for me to go stand on the other side of the room, away from the door. I donat.
Iave only known myself for a few minutes, but I can tell Iam stubborn.
Silas unlatches the deadbolt and pulls the door open just a little. A scruffy brown head bobs around the door.
aHey,a the boy says. aIam back. 11:30 sharp, just like you said.a He has his hands stuffed in his pockets and his face is red like heas been running. I look from him to Silas, and back to him. They look alike.
aYou know each other?a I ask.
The younger, lookalike version of Silas nods his head. aWeare brothers.a He says this loudly while pointing first to Silas and then himself. aI am your brother,a he says again, looking at Silas.
aSo you said,a Silas says with a slight grin on his face. He glances at me, then back at Landon. aMind if I take a look at your ID?a The boy rolls his eyes but pulls a wallet out of his back pocket.
aI like that cool, rolling your eyes thing you have going on,a Silas says as he opens the boyas wallet.
aWhatas your name?a I ask him.
He tilts his head, narrowing his eyes at me. aIam Landon,a he tells me, as if I should know this. aThe better-looking Nash brother.a I smile weakly as Silas looks over Landonas ID. Heas a good kid. You can tell by his eyes.
aSo,a I say, looking at Silas. aYou donat know who you are, either? And weare trying to figure this all out together? And every forty-eight hours we forget again?a aYeah,a he says. aSounds about right.a This feels like a dream. Not reality.
And then it hits me. Iam dreaming. I burst into laughter, just as Landon hands me a sack. I think my laughter caught him by surprise.
aWhatas this?a I ask, opening the sack.
aYou asked me to bring you a change of clothes.a I look down at the gown Iam wearing, and then at the clothes. aWhy am I wearing this?a He shrugs. aThatas what you were wearing last night when Silas found you.a Silas pushes open the bathroom door for me. The clothes have tags on them, so I pull them off and begin to change. A cute black top with long sleeves and jeans that fit like they were made for me. Who gets new clothes in their dreams?
aI love this dream!a I yell through the bathroom door.
When Iam finished changing, I swing open the door and clap my hands together. aAll right, boys. Letas go. Where to?a I make a quick check of the hotel room as Charlie and Landon file out. I grab the empty trash sack out of the small can under the desk and shove all of our notes into it. When Iam certain I have everything, I follow Charlie and Landon outside.
Charlie is still smiling when we reach the car. She honestly thinks this is a dream, and I donat have the heart to tell her it isnat. Itas not a dream. Itas actually a nightmare and weave been living it for more than a week now.
Landon climbs inside the car, but Charlie waits for me by the back door. aYou want to ride in the front with your brother?a she asks, forming air quotes with her fingers.
I shake my head and reach around her to open the door. aNo, you can ride in the front.a She begins to turn when I grab her arm. I lean down to her ear and whisper. aYou arenat dreaming, Charlie. This is real. Something is happening to us and you need to take it seriously so we can figure it out, okay?a When I pull back, her eyes are wide. The smile is gone from her face and she doesnat nod. She just gets in the car and closes the door.
I claim my spot in the back seat and pull my phone out of my pocket. Thereas a reminder set on it, so I open it.
Go to the police station first. Get the backpack and read every note and journal entry you canaas fast as you can.
I close out the reminder, knowing Iall get about five more reminders in the next two hours. I know thisabecause I remember setting every single one of them last night.
I remember writing all the notes in this small hotel trash bag that I have clutched tightly in my hand.
I remember grabbing hold of Charlieas face right before the clock struck 11:00a.m.
I remember whispering never never to her, right before I kissed her.
And I remember ten seconds after our lips touchedashe pulled back and had no idea who I was. She had no memory of the last forty-eight hours.
YetaI remembered every single minute of the last two days.
I just couldnat tell her the truth. I didnat want to scare her, and making her believe I was in the same situation as her seemed to be the more comforting option.
I donat know why I didnat forget this time, or why she did. I should be relieved that whatever the h.e.l.l has been going on with us seems to be over for me, but Iam not relieved at all. Iam disappointed. I would rather have lost my memory again with her than to have her be alone in this. At least when we were in it together, we knew it was something we could work out together.
What seemed to be a pattern has now been broken, and I feel like this just makes it even more difficult to figure out. Why was I spared this time? Why was she not? Why do I feel like I canat be honest with her? Have I always shouldered this much guilt?
I still donat know who I am, or who I used to be. I only have the last forty-eight hours to go by, which isnat much. But itas still better than the half hour of memories Charlie has.
I should just be honest with her, but I canat. I donat want this to scare her, and I feel like the only comfort she has right now is knowing sheas not alone in this.
Landon keeps glancing back at me, and then looking at her. I know he thinks weave lost our minds. We sort of did lose our minds, but not in the way heas thinking.
I like him. I wasnat sure if head show up this morning like I asked him to, since heas still doubtful. I like that he doubts us, but his loyalty to me trumps his reasoning. Iam sure very few people have that quality.
Weare mostly quiet on the way to the police station, until Charlie turns to Landon and glares at him.
aHow do you know we arenat lying to you?a she asks him. aWhy would you even humor us unless you have something to do with whatas happened to us?a Sheas more suspicious of him than she is of me.
Landon grips the steering wheel and glances at me in the rearview mirror. aI donat know that you both arenat lying. For all I know, youare getting a kick out of this. Ninety percent of me thinks you two are full of s.h.i.t and have nothing better to do. Five percent of me thinks maybe youare telling the truth.a aThatas only ninety-five percent,a I pipe in from the backseat.
aThatas because the other five percent of me thinks Iam the one who has gone crazy,a he says.
Charlie laughs at that.
We pull in to the police station and Landon finds a parking spot. Before he turns off the car, Charlie says, aJust to be clear, what do I need to say? That Iam here for my backpack?a aIall go in with you,a I tell her. aThe note said everyone thought you were missing and that I was suspected in your disappearance. If we go in together, theyall have no reason to pursue anything further.a She gets out of the car, and as weare walking into the police station, she says, aWhy donat we just tell them whatas going on? That we canat remember anything?a I pause with my hand on the door. aBecause, Charlie. We specifically warned ourselves in the notes not to do that. Iad rather trust the versions of ourselves we donat remember than trust people who donat know us at all.a She nods. aGood point, a she says. She pauses and c.o.c.ks her head to the side. aI wonder if youare smart.a Her comment makes me chuckle.
Thereas no one in the lobby area when we walk in. I approach a gla.s.s window. Thereas no one behind the desk, but thereas a speaker, so I press the b.u.t.ton next to it, hearing it crackle to life.
ah.e.l.lo?a I ask. aAnyone here?a aComing!a I hear a woman yell. A few seconds later, she appears behind the desk. Her eyes grow alarmed when she sees Charlie and me.
aCharlie?a she asks.
Charlie nods, wringing her hands together nervously. aYeah,a she says. aIam here for my stuff. A backpack?a The woman stares at Charlie for a few seconds and her eyes drop to Charlieas hands. The way Charlie is standing makes her look nervousalike sheas hiding something. The woman tells us sheall go see what she can do, and she disappears around the desk again.
aTry to relax,a I whisper to Charlie. aDonat make it look like I forced you to do this. Theyare already suspicious of me.a Charlie folds her hands over her chest, nods, and then brings her thumb to her mouth. She begins to bite the pad of it. aI donat know how to look relaxed,a she says. aIam not relaxed. Iam confused as h.e.l.l.a The woman doesnat return, but a door to our left opens and a uniformed officer appears in the doorway. He looks over at Charlie and then me. He motions for us to follow him.
He walks into an office and proceeds to sit behind his desk. He nods at the two chairs opposite him, so we both take a seat. He doesnat look at all pleased when he leans forward and clears his throat.
aDo you realize how many people we have looking for you right now, young lady?a Charlie stiffens. I can feel the confusion roll off of her. I know sheas still trying to grasp whatas happened in the last hour, so I answer for her.
aWeare really sorry,a I say to him. His eyes remain on Charlie for a few seconds, and then slide to me. aWe got in a fight. She decided to disappear for a few days to process everything. She didnat know anyone would be looking for her, or that she would be reported missing.a The officer looks bored with me. aI appreciate your ability to answer for your girlfriend, but Iad really like to hear what Ms. Wynwood has to say.a He stands, towering over us, and motions toward the door. aWait outside, Mr. Nash. Iad like to speak to her alone.a s.h.i.t.
I donat want to leave her alone with him. I hesitate, but Charlie places a rea.s.suring hand on my arm. aItas fine. Wait outside,a she says. I look at her closely, but she seems confident. I stand up a little too forcefully and the chair makes an awful screeching sound as it scoots backward. I donat look at the officer again. I walk out, close his door behind me, and begin pacing the empty lobby.
Charlie emerges a few minutes later with a backpack slung over her shoulder and a smug grin on her face. I smile back at her, knowing I never should have doubted that her nerves would get the best of her. This is the fourth time sheas started from scratch, and she seems to have made it through the first few times okay. This time shouldnat be any different.
She doesnat sit in the front seat this time. When we approach the car, she says, aLetas both sit in the back so we can go through all this stuff.a Landon is already annoyed that he thinks weave carried out what he thinks is a prank for so long, and now weare forcing him to chauffer us around.
aWhere to now?a Landon asks.
aJust drive us around until we figure out where we want to go next,a I say.
Charlie unzips the backpack and begins rifling through it. aI think we should go to the prison,a she says. aMy father might have some sort of explanation.a aAgain?a Landon asks. aSilas and I tried that yesterday. They wouldnat let us speak to him.a aBut Iam his daughter,a she says. She glances over at me as if sheas silently asking for my approval.
aI agree with Charlie,a I say. aLetas go see her father.a Landon sighs heavily. aI canat wait until this is over,a he says, making a sharp right out of the driveway of the police station. aRidiculous,a he mutters. He reaches for the radio and turns up the volume, drowning us out.
We begin pulling items out of the backpack. There are two separate stacks I remember making a couple of days ago when I first began going through these items. One of them is useful to us, one is not. I hand Charlie the journals and I begin sorting through letters, hoping she doesnat notice Iam skipping some of the ones I know Iave already read.
aAll these journals are full,a she says, flipping through them. aIf I wrote this much and this often, wouldnat I have one thatas current? I canat find one from this year.a She makes a good point. When I was in her attic taking all of this stuff, I didnat notice anything that looked like she was actively using it. I shrug. aMaybe we missed it when we grabbed all of these.a She leans forward and talks over the music. aI want to go to my house,a she says to Landon. She falls back against the seat, clutching the backpack to her chest. She doesnat continue going through the letters or journals. She just quietly stares out the window while we approach her neighborhood.
When we arrive at her house, she hesitates before opening the car door. aThis is where I live?a she asks.
Iam sure she wasnat expecting this, yet I canat rea.s.sure her or warn her about what sheall find inside because she still believes I lost my memories, too.