He said nothing for a moment, and stared down at the design on the carpet, his expression very serious. Without looking at me, he responded.
"You"re the best thing that ever happened to me. And I feel like I squandered my chance with you."
"Don"t just say that because you feel bad, seriously I"ve had enough of-"
"I"m not. I- You"re just amazing." He shook his head. "There"s no way for me to tell you exactly how much you"ve meant to me. This just makes me hate her so much more."
"Hate who?"
He paused. "Becca."
"Hate her? What do you mean hate her? I get that you weren"t as in love as everyone thought, but-"
"No, I really grew to hate her."
I didn"t know what to say. "I had no idea."
"She was just a girl. Just someone to hook up with and have fun with. But somehow my life became all about her trying to find happiness. Through that whole year, she just got more and more unhappy. I felt bad then for not loving her. Even though she didn"t love me. I just wanted to be able to give her the admiration she wanted. But I didn"t. And that night...I screamed at her. I was at the end of my rope. I was frustrated. I was angry. If she"s dead...I don"t know. I accept some kind of responsibility for it. I"ve felt guilty forever. I was one of the last people to talk to her."
"But she"s been spotted, right? So I mean, there"s hope."
He waved away the suggestion. "I don"t know. There are a lot of blonde girls that could look like her."
"But Dana..."
"Dana"s practically a nut job. She doesn"t want people to stop looking."
"The Facebook update, there was that."
"Someone could have hacked it. Some kind of prank or something." He shrugged. "I don"t know. I just feel bad. She was really unhappy in the end."
We were there for a few minutes, both of us thinking and saying nothing, just being together and alone in the quiet room listening to the quiet hotel sounds around us.
"I left my purse in the other room," I said.
"Let"s go get it. I kind of want a beer anyway."
We walked out of the room and across the hall. The party had died down for the most part. Some people were pa.s.sed out, and others were still drinking. I looked outside and saw that Johnny was making out with some girl. For a moment I wondered if it was Dana, but then I saw blond hair.
"There you guys are!" Cam exclaimed, taking a gulp from his beer.
There was a movement on the couch, and I saw that Dana was lying down. She looked around and her eyes caught on Johnny. She stood and crept to the balcony door. It was like watching a zombie rise from a grave.
She slid it open, with much struggle. She was obviously very drunk.
"Johnny..." she said.
He turned, and let go of the girl. It was Susan. The Becca look-alike.
"Dana"s already puked," Blake said, as she walked up next to us.
"Really?"
She nodded and looked concerned as she walked to the other side of the room. "I don"t think I"ve ever seen her this bad. She"s like...weird drunk. She looks like she"s on something else. But Ricky swears he didn"t give her any pills or anything."
"That"s good," I said.
"Johnny, why"d you..." Dana leaned on the door frame and then slid down onto the ground. Her skirt came up past her underwear. She was too wasted to care.
Johnny came over to her and fixed her skirt. "Come on now, Dana, get up." The way he spoke to her was gentle and kind. I remembered his feelings for her, and wondered if they were still there.
"Johnny, I"ve love you, "n you doe c-care."
She couldn"t form words. Her eyes were out of focus. I wondered if she even knew she was conscious.
"I didn"t mean to, you know," she said. "I didn"t... It wasn"t... I didn"t mean to. I just didn"t mean to, you know."
"Stand up, sweetie, come on. Please."
"Don"t call me that." Her face contorted, and she started to cry. The room was silent as we all watched her. She was weeping now, like a person does when they are alone. "I just wanted you and you didn"t-and then she took you, and then, then her, too, and now Susan, too. Why did you do it?"
She smacked his hands as he tried to get her to stand up. My face went red as she shifted her unfocused gaze to me.
"And why did you?" She pointed to me. "You could have had anyone...but you had to do it with him. Why did you have to do it with Johnny?"
"M-me?"
"Why did you have to hook up with him? Johnny is the only one I wanted. And you...you had to..."
She tried to breathe, but couldn"t stop crying enough to do it quietly.
"I didn"t, Dana. If you mean me...I never did anything with Johnny." Everyone"s gazes shifted to me.
"You didn"t? You did. You said you did, you were talking about it with Blake, you said so. In the bathroom."
I shook my head. "No, no, no, no, no. I never did anything with Johnny. I never said I did. And I won"t."
"She did. Becca did." She nodded, her head moving in huge motions. "She did that. She knew I liked him. She knew everything. But she did it anyway."
Everyone seemed to be waiting for me to respond. "Um," I said. "I"m not actually Becca, you know...and I"m sure she didn"t know. Or she wasn"t trying to hurt you. Maybe she just...couldn"t help it or something."
"But he loved her. You loved her." She pointed to him. "And then she got pregnant. It was your baby. She was pregnant. When I found out...when I found out she"d been hooking up with you, it made so much more sense."
Now we all looked to Johnny. The color was gone from his face. "Why do you think that?"
"She told me. She knew. And that night...the last night. That"s when you said you"d have been with me-" she pointed lazily at herself "-if she hadn"t messed it up. And then she said she wanted to be with you still. Still is the operative," she said, stumbling over it, "word there. You guys were hooking up all along. And the baby was yours."
No one said anything. I looked at Max. He was as pale as Johnny. He reached for my hand, and held it hard.
"I didn"t mean to do it," said Dana, who was now lying flat on her back. "I didn"t mean to."
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT.
IT WAS THE LAST NIGHT OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. Some people had already gone home, but Becca was at the boathouse with Max and most everyone else. Including Johnny.
A few weeks had pa.s.sed, and Johnny had not tried to rekindle anything with her. It was killing her. She had to talk to him tonight. Had to tell him about the baby. Had to ask him what he wanted her to do.
Becca also had to figure that out for herself. Every time she thought about it, she felt sick. Her parents would kill her. Seriously. They might literally disown her. She shivered whenever she thought of having to tell them. She wanted someone to lean on, someone to share the burden with. She had Dana, but she couldn"t tell Dana the whole truth.
She had to talk to him tonight.
It was still cold out, even though it was May, and rain had been pouring down in buckets for hours. Becca couldn"t drink. She didn"t know why she cared...there was no way she could keep the baby.
She tried not to let the thought into her mind that maybe having it was what she wanted.
"Hey, Ricky," she said as she walked up to him. "Give me something."
He raised an eyebrow. "Like something something?"
She nodded. "I need confidence. I need energy. I need to be-"
"I have just the right thing." He went over to his backpack and removed a pillbox she"d only really ever seen used by old people so they could keep all of their "keep me alive" medicine straight. He pulled two yellow pills from a compartment.
She took them without hesitation. "Thanks."
"Come talk to me for a second!" she shouted over the music at Johnny.
The world around her was getting stranger and stranger. She was fighting to stay aware, but too messed up to realize that the pills she"d been given were s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g with her.
"I can"t," he said, not making eye contact with her.
"Come on!" She smiled, resisting the uncharacteristic and sudden urge to cry. "Just for a tiny second?"
He looked around, too, and then let her lead him. They went outside and shut the door behind them. Beyond the awning, it poured down rain.
She pulled him into the rain and kissed him. He kissed her back for a second and then pushed her away gently. "Please, Becca, don"t make this harder."
"It doesn"t have to be hard, Johnny." She blinked away the rain and smiled. Her face felt numb. "I want to be with you. I love you."
It was out of her mouth before she could stop it. He stared at her. "You...what?"
"Come on!"
She ran out farther into the rain, her bare feet sinking into the muddy, so-cold-it-stings sand. Every sensation was heightened. The air was warm, but she was sharply aware of the cold air and the p.r.i.c.ks of rain. She felt like she could feel every grain of sand.
He followed her, looking reluctant. "Please come back, Becca, I don"t want to play this game with you."
"Oh, stop." She went up to him and planted a kiss on his neck, the only part on him she could get to.
"We can"t, what if-"
"What the f.u.c.k?"
They both turned to see Max standing in the doorway. "Are you serious, dude?"
"No, Max, I-"
He threw open the door and ran at Johnny. He tackled him to the ground and then punched him hard in the face. Johnny tried to speak, but Max wouldn"t let him. He just cracked him hard again in the jaw. Johnny didn"t fight back. He only tried to stand and to speak.
Becca screamed at them to stop.
"Shut up," said Max, standing with ease. "Just stop, for once in your life just shut up!"
She nodded and tried to keep her mouth shut. She was crying. She was losing her mind. Everything was heavy on her shoulders.
She ran to Max. "I"m sorry-"
She put a hand on his arm, and he whipped it off him. "Do not," he shouted, "touch me."
He had never raised his voice to her like that. He had never sounded so furious. He went back into the boathouse. Johnny stood.
"Why didn"t you fight back?" she asked, her chest convulsing with every breath she tried to take.
"Fight back? I can"t fight back, I f.u.c.ked his girlfriend." He stared at Becca with all the rage she"d ever seen come from Johnny before, ever. "G.o.d, I"m mad at you. You know, before you got here, I had a best friend. And I probably would have gotten with Dana, and things would have been a lot easier. I liked her, you know. I know you say she didn"t like me, but she seems to, and you just messed it all up."
Becca glanced at a movement in the door, but then saw nothing. She collapsed onto the ground. She was suddenly crying harder than she ever had in her life. She looked up at him, blinking the tears and rain out of her eyes. She tried to speak, but couldn"t.
Johnny"s face softened, and he closed the door. "I"m sorry. Just...just come inside."
She shook her head violently. "I can"t. I can never see those p-people again. I-I-I can"t. Johnny, I"ve never felt anything like what I have with you. Please, just, just..." She was hyperventilating. "I"m begging you. I"m begging you...tell me we have something real... I know we do, I love you...I love you...."
"Becca, please, calm down."
She was shaking so bad she couldn"t move. She let out a pathetic moan over the thunderous waves and the pounding rain. Blood was pulsing through her body. She couldn"t feel okay.
"Something is-is really wrong, I can"t...breathe...."
"You"re probably just having a panic attack. Just try to breathe. You"ll be okay." He ran his hand over her hair. "It"s okay."
"I can"t-please, Johnny, I can"t- I"m going to lose it-please..."