Ali got worried because she looked really guilty at that moment.He took her hands in his, and kissed the back of her hands before looking at her straight in the eye, saying, "You must have had a good reason to. I won"t be angry."
Sofiya looked down, squeezing his hands.
Then, she took one hand and placed it on her stomach.
Ali froze.
Did she mean … ?
He looked towards her happily, but was taken aback.
The expected happiness on her face was not there. Instead, she was nervously looking down. Ali got really worried and with his other hand, he lifted up her chin.
He was shocked to see her looking like she was holding back tears and he placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to look at her face as he asked "My love, what is the matter?"
Sofiya didn"t seem to be able to answer, the words stuck in her throat. She opened her mouth, then closed it again.
It had taken a lot of courage for her to come to him and she had actually wanted to run off earlier, but she couldn"t keep him in the dark any longer.
But she was so scared.
Even though her head had been bowed down now, she had seen his expression when she placed his hand on her stomach.
He had looked puzzled, shocked, and then happy.
Why wouldn"t he be, right?
She was, too.
The first time she discovered she was pregnant.
"Please, Sofiya," Ali whispered desperately, "You"re scaring me. What is wrong?"
He took her into his arms, hugging her tightly to him and said as she sobbed quietly in his chest, "Whatever it is, I am here for you. No matter what it is, I love you. Can"t you tell me what is bothering you?"
Sofiya sniffled, rubbing her face in his chest.
"Are you pregnant?" Ali asked softly.
Sofiya stiffened and then nodded.
Ali held her tight, his chest constricted and a lump was in his throat. For Sofiya to be acting like this, there must be something wrong, right?
The thought that Sofiya didn"t want the pregnancy never entered his mind at all.
"Talk to me, Sofiya," Ali urged gently, "Please."
Sofiya pushed Ali and started wringing her hands.
"This … this isn"t the first time I got pregnant," Sofiya whispered, her head down.
Ali stared at her, surprised yet again.
"I"ve had four miscarriages," Sofiya continued and Ali"s heart twisted.
This was what she had been hiding from him?
She had gone through all of that, alone?
He wasn"t angry.
He was upset.
So very, very upset that she didn"t confide in him.
Was he so unreliable?
Sofiya, seemingly able to understand what he was thinking, put a hand on his arm, looking at him pleadingly, "It isn"t you."
She could see the hurt in his eyes and she hurried to explain, "At first, I didn"t know I had been pregnant and miscarried. I just thought I had an unusually heavy period."
Ali placed his hand on her cheek, his thumb caressing it. Without a word, he took her hand and then leaned back on the corner edge of the sofa while putting up one leg on the seat.
Sofiya understood and sat on his lap, leaning against his chest as he held her close. He gingerly placed a hand on her stomach, that he could feel was slightly rounded (but it could be his imagination since he knew now).
Feeling safe and secure in his arms, and not needing to see his face, Sofiya found that she could talk easier now.
"It was only when it happened the second time did I go to see a doctor about it," Sofiya said, "I didn"t think much about it, so I didn"t really tell you. It wasn"t that I was hiding it from you."
"Not purposely, anyway."
Ali was quiet, not wanting to say anything lest he interrupted her and caused her to be more nervous.
"To cut the long story short, I was eventually diagnosed as having cervical insufficiency," Sofiya continued, "Which basically means, I have trouble carrying a baby to term."
"I know, I should have told you then, but … I just couldn"t," Sofiya said, her voice barely a whisper, "There is no treatment for it. There are things that can be done to promote a healthy pregnancy … but …"
"But?" prompted Ali when she faltered.
"But I always miscarried within the first month," Sofiya said, crying again. Though they may not have been formed enough to be a life, to her, they were already a life that she lost.
"I didn"t want you to feel the loss like I did," Sofiya said.
Ali closed his eyes, the anger rising and he worked hard to quash it down. Now was not the time for anger, or even the blaming game, for it would not solve anything.
To think that she had suffered like this, all by herself, tore up at him.
Because he had not realised it either.
"I"m sorry, Ali," Sofiya said, "I just … I just didn"t want you to feel the pain."
"Sofiya," Ali said with a sigh, "We are husband and wife. I have failed in my duties to you .."
"No, it isn"t you, Ali!" Sofiya denied, turning around to look at him.
Ali shook his head, "Yes, it is, Sofiya."
He looked at her tenderly, his eyes full of anguish, "I am supposed to protect you, care for you, and love you. How could you have gone through all of that alone?"
"I hid it from you," Sofiya pointed out.
"I know you did that because you were thinking of me, but know this," Ali said, "Knowing that you went through all of that alone is far more painful to me. We are to share our burdens, our joys, and our sorrows. Do you not see me as your husband?"
"I …" Sofiya stammered, not knowing what to say. Her intentions may have been good but seeing how much pain he was in right now, made her rethink her decision.
"That past is the past," Ali said firmly, "Don"t hide things like this from me again, okay?"
Sofiya could only nod.
"So now, tell me," Ali pressed on, touching her stomach, "You gathered your courage to tell me now, so what is wrong with our baby?"
"Nothing," Sofiya said, "Yet."
"Meaning?"
"I … I think I am 2 and a half months pregnant," Sofiya said, "And … and … this is the longest …"
She looked up at him in fear, "I"m scared of losing our baby again."
Ali held her tightly, saying, "We shall do our best to make sure you, and our baby, are safe. I will look for the best doctor to monitor this and we will do everything to make sure you"re well."
Then, Ali said softly, "But know this, if it"s not meant to be, then we can only accept it. Don"t stress yourself so much. That"s not good for you, or our baby. Okay?"
Sofiya nodded, feeling relieved.
She had been carrying this secret for so long, and shouldering it by herself all this time that she was mentally exhausted.
Hearing his words, feeling his support, she felt acutely how stupid she had been to have kept this from him.
"Thank you," Sofiya said softly, wrapping her hands around his waist.
Ali kissed the top of her head, "You are my wife, Sofiya. Half of my soul. Always remember that."
Sofiya nodded, understanding that he meant she must rely on him more. She was used to being independent and doing things by herself. She had figured, that this was her body and so, she should find the solution herself.
What she had neglected, however, was that Ali was not there to "take over" or stop her from being independent. Relying on him didn"t mean she was weak, and he wouldn"t have thought of her any less.
It was only natural, for there to be support for their loved one.
Feeling his support right now gave her the strength and courage to face this uncertainty and fear.
He was right.
"I"m sorry," she mumbled against his chest, her words m.u.f.fled. She had apologized before, but she still felt bad about it.
"And I, too, am sorry," Ali said, holding her tight.
They were quiet for a few minutes, just relis.h.i.+ng the closeness at that moment.
Ali broke the silence by saying, "We need to prepare the nursery. Ummi will be happy to help, so you should discuss this with her."
"A nursery?" Sofiya asked, "But what if -"
Ali put his hand over her lips, saying, "Ssssh. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst. We need to welcome our child into this world properly. Be it this one, or the next."
Sofiya"s lips trembled. Ali kissed her softly, comforting her repeatedly.
That night, as Sofiya slept peacefully, Ali was at his table, making plans for her care and their baby. There was a lot to do.