The result of this conversation was a _conversazione_, which certainly was on a much better scale, and better attended than the one collected by Doctor Feasible. Doctor Plausible had pumped a mutual acquaintance as to the merits of his rival, and had set to work with great diligence.
He ordered his carriage, and for two or three days previous to the one fixed, went round to all his friends, who had curiosities, foreign, indigenous, or continental, admired them, talked learnedly, expressed a wish to exhibit them to several gentlemen of talent at his next conversazione, pulled out a card for the party, and succeeded in returning home with his carriage stuffed with curiosities and monstrosities.
Negus and cherry-water were added to tea in the refreshment-room; and the conversazione of Doctor Plausible was p.r.o.nounced by those who had been invited to both, infinitely superior to that of Doctor Feasible. A good-natured friend called upon Doctor and Mrs Feasible with the news.
They pretended indifference, as they bit their lips to conceal their vexation. As soon as he took his leave--
"Well, my dear," said Mrs Feasible, "what do you think of this? Very unhandsome on the part of Doctor Plausible! I was told this morning that several of our acquaintances have expressed a wish to be introduced to him."
"We must not give up the point, my love. Doctor Plausible may make a splash once; but I suspect that his horses eat him out of house and home, and interfere very much with the butcher"s bills. If so, we who keep no carriage can afford it better. But it"s very annoying, as there will be an increase of expense."
"Very annoying, indeed!" replied the lady. "Look at his card, my dear, it is nearly twice as large as ours. I begged it of Mr Tomkins, on purpose to compare it."
"Well then, my dear, we must order others, and mind that they measure an inch more than his. It shall cost him something before we have done, I"m determined."
"You heard what Mr Smithson said? They gave negus and cherry-water."
"We must do the same. I"ve a great mind to give ices."
"Oh! my love, remember the expense."
"Very true; but we can ice our negus and cherry-water. Rough ice is only two-pence a pound, I believe."
"Well, that will be an improvement."
"And there shall be more, or I"ll be in the Bench," replied the Doctor in his wrath.
The next _conversazione_, for which cards were issued by Doctor Feasible, was on a superior scale. There was a considerable increase of company. He had persuaded a country baronet; secured the patronage of two ladies of rank (with a slight blot on their escutcheons), and collected, amongst others, a French count (or adventurer), a baron with mustachios, two German students in their costumes and long hair, and an actress of some reputation. He had also procured the head of a New Zealand chief; some red snow, or rather red water (for it was melted), brought home by Captain Ross; a piece of granite from the Croker mountains; a kitten in spirits, with two heads and twelve legs, and half-a-dozen abortions of the feathered or creeping tribes. Every thing went off well. The two last fees he had received were sacrificed to have the party announced in the Morning Post, and Doctor Feasible"s triumph was complete.
But it was not to last long. In ten days Dr Plausible"s cards were again issued, larger than Doctor Feasible"s, and with a handsome embossed border of lilies and roses. Male attendants, tea and coffee, ices and liqueurs were prepared; and Dr Feasible"s heart failed him, when he witnessed the ingress and egress of the pastrycooks, with their boxes on their heads. Among his company he had already mustered up five celebrated blues; four ladies of quality, of better reputation than Dr Feasible"s; seven or eight baronets and knights; a bishop of Fernando Po; three or four general officers; and a dozen French and German visitors to the country, who had not only t.i.tles, but wore orders at their b.u.t.ton-holes. Thus far had he advanced when he met Newton Forster, and added him to the list of the invited. In about two hours afterwards Dr Plausible returned home to his wife, radiant with smiles.
"My dear, who _do_ you think has promised to come to-morrow night?"
"Who, my love?"
"Prince Fizzybelli!"
"You don"t say so?" screamed the lady with her delight.
"Yes, most faithfully promised."
"What _will_ the Feasibles say?" cried the lady;--"but--is he a real prince?"
"A real prince! O yes, indeed is he! well known in Tartary."
"Well, Dr Plausible, I have good news for you. Here is a note from Mr H---, in answer to yours, in which he promises you the loan of the wax figure from Germany, of a female in the first stage of par--partu--I can"t make out the word."
"Excellent! most excellent!" cried the doctor, rubbing his hands; "now we _shall_ do."
Newton, who had some curiosity to see a _conversazione_, which to him was a _terra incognita_, did not fail to go at the appointed hour. He was ushered up stairs into the drawing-room, at the door of which he was received by Mrs Plausible, in blue and silver. The rooms not being very large, were extremely crowded, and Newton at one moment found himself jammed against some curiosity, and at another treading on the toes or heels of people who accepted his apologies, looking daggers; and with a snarling, "don"t mention it."
But a thundering knock at the door was followed by the announcement of his Highness Prince Fizzybelli--Prince Fizzybelli at the door--Prince Fizzybelli coming up--Prince Fizzybelli (enters).
Had it been permitted, Dr Plausible would have received his guest with a flourish of trumpets, as great men are upon the stage, without which it is impossible now-a-days to know a great man from a little one.
However, the hired attendants did their duty, and the name of Fizzybelli was fizzed about the room in every direction. Dr Plausible trod on the corns of old Lady G---, upset Miss Periwinkle, and nearly knocked down a French _savant_, in his struggle to obtain the door to receive his honoured guest, who made a bow, looked at the crowd--looked at the chandelier--looked at his watch, and looked very tired in the course of five minutes, when Prince Fizzybelli ordered his carriage, and was off.
Newton, who had examined several very strange things, which occupied the tables about the room, at last made his way to the ante-room, where the crowd was much more dense than elsewhere. Taking it for granted that there was something interesting to be seen, he persevered until he had forced his way to the centre, when what was his astonishment when he beheld under a long gla.s.s-case a figure of a woman modelled in wax, of exact and certainly of beautiful proportion! It was as large as life, and in a state of perfect nudity. The face lifted up, and discovered the muscles beneath: in fact, every part of the image could be removed, and presented to the curious, every part of the human frame, modelled exact, and coloured. Newton was indeed astonished: he had witnessed several articles in the other room, which he had considered more fitted for the museum of an inst.i.tution than a drawing-room; but this was indeed a novelty; and when, to crown all, he witnessed certain little _demireps_ of science, who fancied that not to be ashamed was now as much a proof of knowledge, as in our first parents it was of innocence, and who eyed the figure without turning away from it or blushing, he quitted the room with disgust, and returned home quite satisfied with one _conversazione_.
I am not partial to blues: generally speaking, ladies do not take up science until they find that the men will not take up them; and a remarkably clever woman by reputation is too often a remarkably unpleasant, or a remarkably ugly one. But there are exceptions; exceptions that a nation may be proud of--women who can fulfil their duties to their husbands and their children, to their G.o.d and to their neighbour, although endowed with minds more powerful than allotted to one man in tens of thousands. These are heavenly blues; and, among the few, no one shines more pre-eminent than my dear Mrs S---e.
However, whether Newton was satisfied or not, this _conversazione_ was a finisher to Dr Feasible, who resigned the contest. Dr Plausible not only carried away the palm--but, what was still worse, he carried off the "practice!"
VOLUME THREE, CHAPTER EIGHT.
Their only labour is to kill the time; And labour dire it is, and weary woe.
They sit--they lounge--turn o"er some idle rhyme; Then rising sudden--to the gla.s.s they go, Or saunter forth with loitering step and slow.
_Castle of Indolence_.
Captain Oughton who commanded the Windsor Castle was an original. His figure was short and thickset, his face broad, and deeply pitted with the small-pox, his nose an apology for a nose, being a small tubercle arising mid-way between his eyes and mouth, the former of which were small, the latter wide, and displaying a magnificent row of white teeth.
On the whole, it was impossible to look in his face without being immediately struck with his likeness to a bull-dog. His temperament and his pursuits were also a.n.a.logous; he was a great pugilist, knew the merits of every man in the ring, and the precise date and circ.u.mstances attending every battle which had been fought for the previous thirty years. His conversation was at all times interlarded with the slang terms appropriated to the science, to which he was so devoted. In other points he was a brave and trust-worthy officer, although he valued the practical above the theoretical branches of his profession, and was better pleased when superintending the mousing of a stay or the strapping of a block, than when "flooring" the sun, as he termed it, to ascertain the lat.i.tude, or "breaking his noddle against the old woman"s," in taking a lunar observation. Newton had been strongly recommended to him, and Captain Oughton extended his hand as to an old acquaintance, when they met on the quarterdeck. Before they had taken a dozen turns up and down, Captain Oughton inquired if Newton could handle the mauleys; and on being answered in the negative, volunteered his instruction during their pa.s.sage out.
"You heard the end of it, I suppose?" said Captain Oughton, in continuance.
"The end of what, sir?"
"What! why, the fight. Spring beat. I"ve cleared three hundred by him."
"Then, sir, I am very glad that Spring beat," replied Newton.
"I"ll back him against a stone heavier any day in the week. I"ve got the newspaper in the cabin, with the fight--forty-seven rounds; but we can"t read it now; we must see after these soldiers and their traps.
Look at them," continued Captain Oughton, turning to a party of the troops ordered for the pa.s.sage, who were standing on the gangway and booms; "every man Jack, with his tin pot in his hand, and his great-coat on. Twig the drum-boy, he has turned his coat--do you see, with the lining outwards to keep it clean. By Jove, that"s a _wrinkle_!"
"How many officers do you expect, Captain Oughton."
"I hardly know, they make such alterations in their arrangements; five or six, I believe. The boat went on sh.o.r.e for them at nine o"clock.
They have sent her back, with their compliments, seven times already, full of luggage. There"s one lieutenant, I forget his name, whose chests alone would fill up the main-deck. There"s six under the half-deck," said Captain Oughton, pointing to them.
"Lieutenant Winterbottom," observed Newton, reading the name.
"I wish to Heaven that he had remained the winter, or that his chests were all to the bottom! I don"t know where the devil we are to stow them. O! here they come! Boatswain"s mate, "tend the side there."
In a minute or thereabouts, the military gentlemen made their appearance one by one on the quarter-deck, scrutinising their gloves as they bade adieu to the side-ropes, to ascertain if they had in any degree been defiled by the adhesive properties of the pitch and tar.
Captain Oughton advanced to receive them. "Welcome, gentlemen," said he, "welcome on board. We trip our anchor in half an hour. I am afraid that I have not the pleasure of knowing your names, and must request the honour of being introduced."
"Major Clavering, sir," said the major, a tall handsome man, gracefully taking off his hat; "the officers who accompany are (waving his hand towards them in succession) Lieutenant Winterbottom."
Lieutenant Winterbottom bowed.