At this Katharine shivered a little, drew up to the fire, and warmed her hands by spreading them over the topmost peak of the coal. She wished to bring the talk back to marriage again, in order to hear Aunt Charlotte"s views, but she did not know how to do this.
"Let me look at your engagement-ring, Aunt Charlotte," she said, noticing her own.
She took the cl.u.s.ter of green stones and turned it round and round, but she did not know what to say next.
"That poor old ring was a sad disappointment to me when I first had it," Lady Otway mused. "I"d set my heart on a diamond ring, but I never liked to tell Frank, naturally. He bought it at Simla."cb Katharine turned the ring round once more, and gave it back to her aunt without speaking. And while she turned it round her lips set themselves firmly together, and it seemed to her that she could satisfy William as these women had satisfied their husbands; she could pretend to like emeralds when she preferred diamonds. Having replaced her ring, Lady Otway remarked that it was chilly, though not more so than one must expect at this time of year. Indeed, one ought to be thankful to see the sun at all, and she advised them both to dress warmly for their drive. Her aunt"s stock of commonplaces, Katharine sometimes suspected, had been laid in on purpose to fill silences with, and had little to do with her private thoughts. But at this moment they seemed terribly in keeping with her own conclusions, so that she took up her knitting again and listened, chiefly with a view to confirming herself in the belief that to be engaged to marry some one with whom you are not in love is an inevitable step in a world where the existence of pa.s.sion is only a traveller"s story brought from the heart of deep forests and told so rarely that wise people doubt whether the story can be true. She did her best to listen to her mother asking for news of John, and to her aunt replying with the authentic history of Hilda"s engagement to an officer in the Indian Army, but she cast her mind alternately towards forest paths and starry blossoms, and towards pages of neatly written mathematical signs. When her mind took this turn her marriage seemed no more than an archway through which it was necessary to pa.s.s in order to have her desire. At such times the current of her nature ran in its deep narrow channel with great force and with an alarming lack of consideration for the feelings of others. Just as the two elder ladies had finished their survey of the family prospects, and Lady Otway was nervously antic.i.p.ating some general statement as to life and death from her sister-in-law, Ca.s.sandra burst into the room with the news that the carriage was at the door.
"Why didn"t Andrews tell me himself?" said Lady Otway, peevishly, blaming her servants for not living up to her ideals.
When Mrs Hilbery and Katharine arrived in the hall, ready dressed for their drive, they found that the usual discussion was going forward as to the plans of the rest of the family. In token of this, a great many doors were opening and shutting, two or three people stood irresolutely on the stairs, now going a few steps up, and now a few steps down, and Sir Francis himself had come out from his study, with the Times Times under his arm, and a complaint about noise and draughts from the open door which, at least, had the effect of bundling the people who did not want to go into the carriage, and sending those who did not want to stay back to their rooms. It was decided that Mrs Hilbery, Katharine, Rodney, and Henry should drive to Lincoln, and any one else who wished to go should follow on bicycles or in the pony-cart. Every one who stayed at Stogdon House had to make this expedition to Lincoln in obedience to Lady Otway"s conception of the right way to entertain her guests, which she had imbibed from reading in fashionable papers of the behaviour of Christmas parties in ducal houses. The carriage horses were both fat and aged, still they matched; the carriage was shaky and uncomfortable, but the Otway arms were visible on the panels. Lady Otway stood on the topmost step, wrapped in a white shawl, and waved her hand almost mechanically until they had turned the corner under the laurel-bushes, when she retired indoors with a sense that she had played her part, and a sigh at the thought that none of her children felt it necessary to play theirs. under his arm, and a complaint about noise and draughts from the open door which, at least, had the effect of bundling the people who did not want to go into the carriage, and sending those who did not want to stay back to their rooms. It was decided that Mrs Hilbery, Katharine, Rodney, and Henry should drive to Lincoln, and any one else who wished to go should follow on bicycles or in the pony-cart. Every one who stayed at Stogdon House had to make this expedition to Lincoln in obedience to Lady Otway"s conception of the right way to entertain her guests, which she had imbibed from reading in fashionable papers of the behaviour of Christmas parties in ducal houses. The carriage horses were both fat and aged, still they matched; the carriage was shaky and uncomfortable, but the Otway arms were visible on the panels. Lady Otway stood on the topmost step, wrapped in a white shawl, and waved her hand almost mechanically until they had turned the corner under the laurel-bushes, when she retired indoors with a sense that she had played her part, and a sigh at the thought that none of her children felt it necessary to play theirs.
The carriage bowled along smoothly over the gently curving road. Mrs Hilbery dropped into a pleasant, inattentive state of mind, in which she was conscious of the running green lines of the hedges, of the swelling ploughland, and of the mild blue sky, which served her, after the first five minutes, for a pastoral background to the drama of human life; and then she thought of a cottage garden, with the flash of yellow daffodils against blue water; and what with the arrangement of these different prospects, and the shaping of two or three lovely phrases, she did not notice that the young people in the carriage were almost silent. Henry, indeed, had been included against his wish, and revenged himself by observing Katharine and Rodney with disillusioned eyes, while Katharine was in a state of gloomy self-suppression which resulted in complete apathy. When Rodney spoke to her she either said "Hum!" or a.s.sented so listlessly that he addressed his next remark to her mother. His deference was agreeable to her, his manners were exemplary; and when the church towers and factory chimneys of the town came into sight, she roused herself, and recalled memories of the fair summer of 1853, which fitted in harmoniously with what she was dreaming of the future.
CHAPTER XVIII.
BUT OTHER Pa.s.sENGERS WERE approaching Lincoln meanwhile by other roads on foot. A county town draws the inhabitants of all vicarages, farms, country houses, and wayside cottages, within a radius of ten miles at least, once or twice a week to its streets; and among them, on this occasion, were Ralph Denham and Mary Datchet. They despised the roads, and took their way across the fields; and yet, from their appearance, it did not seem as if they cared much where they walked so long as the way did not actually trip them up. When they left the Vicarage, they had begun an argument which swung their feet along so rhythmically in time with it that they covered the ground at over four miles an hour, and saw nothing of the hedgerows, the swelling ploughland, or the mild blue sky. What they saw were the Houses of Parliament and the Government Offices in Whitehall. They both belonged to the cla.s.s which is conscious of having lost its birthright in these great structures and is seeking to build another kind of lodging for its own notion of law and government. Purposely, perhaps, Mary did not agree with Ralph; she loved to feel her mind in conflict with his, and to be certain that he spared her female judgment no ounce of his male muscularity. He seemed to argue as fiercely with her as if she were his brother. They were alike, however, in believing that it behoved them to take in hand the repair and reconstruction of the fabric of England. They agreed in thinking that nature has not been generous in the endowment of our councillors. They agreed, unconsciously, in a mute love for the muddy field through which they tramped, with eyes narrowed close by the concentration of their minds. At length they drew breath, let the argument fly away into the limbo of other good arguments, and, leaning over a gate, opened their eyes for the first time and looked about them. Their feet tingled with warm blood and their breath rose in steam around them. The bodily exercise made them both feel more direct and less self-conscious than usual, and Mary, indeed, was overcome by a sort of light-headedness which made it seem to her that it mattered very little what happened next. It mattered so little, indeed, that she felt herself on the point of saying to Ralph: "I love you; I shall never love anybody else. Marry me or leave me; think what you like of me-I don"t care a straw." At the moment, however, speech or silence seemed immaterial, and she merely clapped her hands together, and looked at the distant woods with the rust-like bloom on their brown, and the green and blue landscape through the steam of her own breath. It seemed a mere toss-up whether she said, "I love you," or whether she said, "I love the beech-trees," or only "I love-I love."
"Do you know, Mary," Ralph suddenly interrupted her, "I"ve made up my mind."
Her indifference must have been superficial, for it disappeared at once. Indeed, she lost sight of the trees, and saw her own hand upon the topmost bar of the gate with extreme distinctness, while he went on: "I"ve made up my mind to chuck my work and live down here. I want you to tell me about that cottage you spoke of. However, I suppose there"ll be no difficulty about getting a cottage, will there?" He spoke with an a.s.sumption of carelessness as if expecting her to dissuade him.
She still waited, as if for him to continue; she was convinced that in some roundabout way he approached the subject of their marriage.
"I can"t stand the office any longer," he proceeded. "I don"t know what my family will say; but I"m sure I"m right. Don"t you think so?"
"Live down here by yourself?" she asked.
"Some old woman would do for me, I suppose," he replied. "I"m sick of the whole thing," he went on, and opened the gate with a jerk. They began to cross the next field walking side by side.
"I tell you, Mary, it"s utter destruction, working away, day after day, at stuff that doesn"t matter a d.a.m.n to any one. I"ve stood eight years of it, and I"m not going to stand it any longer. I suppose this all seems to you mad, though?"
By this time, Mary had recovered her self-control.
"No. I thought you weren"t happy," she said.
"Why did you think that?" he asked, with some surprise.
"Don"t you remember that morning in Lincoln"s Inn Fields?" she asked.
"Yes," said Ralph, slackening his pace and remembering Katharine and her engagement, the purple leaves stamped into the path, the white paper radiant under the electric light, and the hopelessness which seemed to surround all these things.
"You"re right, Mary," he said, with something of an effort, "though I don"t know how you guessed it."
She was silent, hoping that he might tell her the reason of his unhappiness, for his excuses had not deceived her.
"I was unhappy-very unhappy," he repeated. Some six weeks separated him from that afternoon when he had sat upon the Embankment watching his visions dissolve in mist as the waters swam past and the sense of his desolation still made him shiver. He had not recovered in the least from that depression. Here was an opportunity for making himself face it, as he felt that he ought to; for, by this time, no doubt, it was only a sentimental ghost, better exorcised by ruthless exposure to such an eye as Mary"s, than allowed to underlie all his actions and thoughts as had been the case ever since he first saw Katharine Hilbery pouring out tea. He must begin, however, by mentioning her name, and this he found it impossible to do. He persuaded himself that he could make an honest statement without speaking her name; he persuaded himself that his feeling had very little to do with her.
"Unhappiness is a state of mind," he said, "by which I mean that it is not necessarily the result of any particular cause."
This rather stilted beginning did not please him, and it became more and more obvious to him that, whatever he might say, his unhappiness had been directly caused by Katharine.
"I began to find my life unsatisfactory," he started afresh. "It seemed to me meaningless." He paused again, but felt that this, at any rate, was true, and that on these lines he could go on.
"All this money-making and working ten hours a day in an office, what"s it for? for? When one"s a boy, you see, one"s head is so full of dreams that it doesn"t seem to matter what one does. And if you"re ambitious, you"re all right; you"ve got a reason for going on. Now my reasons ceased to satisfy me. Perhaps I never had any. That"s very likely now I come to think of it. (What reason is there for anything, though?) Still, it"s impossible, after a certain age, to take oneself in satisfactorily. And I know what carried me on"-for a good reason now occurred to him-"I wanted to be the saviour of my family and all that kind of thing. I wanted them to get on in the world. That was a lie, of course-a kind of self-glorification, too. Like most people, I suppose, I"ve lived almost entirely among delusions, and now I"m at the awkward stage of finding it out. I want another delusion to go on with. That"s what my unhappiness amounts to, Mary." When one"s a boy, you see, one"s head is so full of dreams that it doesn"t seem to matter what one does. And if you"re ambitious, you"re all right; you"ve got a reason for going on. Now my reasons ceased to satisfy me. Perhaps I never had any. That"s very likely now I come to think of it. (What reason is there for anything, though?) Still, it"s impossible, after a certain age, to take oneself in satisfactorily. And I know what carried me on"-for a good reason now occurred to him-"I wanted to be the saviour of my family and all that kind of thing. I wanted them to get on in the world. That was a lie, of course-a kind of self-glorification, too. Like most people, I suppose, I"ve lived almost entirely among delusions, and now I"m at the awkward stage of finding it out. I want another delusion to go on with. That"s what my unhappiness amounts to, Mary."
There were two reasons that kept Mary very silent during this speech, and drew curiously straight lines upon her face. In the first place, Ralph made no mention of marriage; in the second, he was not speaking the truth.
"I don"t think it will be difficult to find a cottage," she said, with cheerful hardness, ignoring the whole of this statement. "You"ve got a little money, haven"t you? Yes," she concluded, "I don"t see why it shouldn"t be a very good plan."
They crossed the field in complete silence. Ralph was surprised by her remark and a little hurt, and yet, on the whole, rather pleased. He had convinced himself that it was impossible to lay his case truthfully before Mary, and, secretly, he was relieved to find that he had not parted with his dream to her. She was, as he had always found her, the sensible, loyal friend, the woman he trusted; whose sympathy he could count upon, provided he kept within certain limits. He was not displeased to find that those limits were very clearly marked. When they had crossed the next hedge she said to him: "Yes, Ralph, it"s time you made a break. I"ve come to the same conclusion myself. Only it won"t be a country cottage in my case; it"ll be America. America!" she cried. "That"s the place for me! They"ll teach me something about organizing a movement there, and I"ll come back and show you how to do it."
If she meant consciously or unconsciously to belittle the seclusion and security of a country cottage, she did not succeed; for Ralph"s determination was genuine. But she made him visualize her in her own character, so that he looked quickly at her, as she walked a little in front of him across the ploughed field; for the first time that morning he saw her independently of him or of his preoccupation with Katharine. He seemed to see her marching ahead, a rather clumsy but powerful and independent figure, for whose courage he felt the greatest respect.
"Don"t go away, Mary!" he exclaimed, and stopped.
"That"s what you said before, Ralph," she returned, without looking at him. "You want to go away yourself and you don"t want me to go away. That"s not very sensible, is it?"
"Mary," he cried, stung by the remembrance of his exacting and dictatorial ways with her, "what a brute I"ve been to you!"
It took all her strength to keep the tears from springing, and to thrust back her a.s.surance that she would forgive him till Doomsday if he chose. She was preserved from doing so only by a stubborn kind of respect for herself which lay at the root of her nature and forbade surrender, even in moments of almost overwhelming pa.s.sion. Now, when all was tempest and high-running waves, she knew of a land where the sun shone clear upon Italian grammars and files of docketed papers. Nevertheless, from the skeleton pallor of that land and the rocks that broke its surface, she knew that her life there would be harsh and lonely almost beyond endurance. She walked steadily a little in front of him across the ploughed field. Their way took them round the verge of a wood of thin trees standing at the edge of a steep fold in the land. Looking between the tree-trunks, Ralph saw laid out on the perfectly flat and richly green meadow at the bottom of the hill a small grey manor-house, with ponds, terraces, and clipped hedges in front of it, a farm building or so at the side, and a screen of fir-trees rising behind, all perfectly sheltered and self-sufficient. Behind the house the hill rose again, and the trees on the farther summit stood upright against the sky, which appeared of a more intense blue between their trunks. His mind at once was filled with a sense of the actual presence of Katharine; the grey house and the intense blue sky gave him the feeling of her presence close by. He leant against a tree, forming her name beneath his breath: "Katharine, Katharine," he said aloud, and then, looking round, saw Mary walking slowly away from him, tearing a long spray of ivy from the trees as she pa.s.sed them. She seemed so definitely opposed to the vision he held in his mind that he returned to it with a gesture of impatience.
"Katharine, Katharine," he repeated, and seemed to himself to be with her. He lost his sense of all that surrounded him; all substantial things-the hour of the day, what we have done and are about to do, the presence of other people and the support we derive from seeing their belief in a common reality-all this slipped from him. So he might have felt if the earth had dropped from his feet, and the empty blue had hung all round him, and the air had been steeped in the presence of one woman. The chirp of a robin on the bough above his head awakened him, and his awakenment was accompanied by a sigh. Here was the world in which he had to live; here the ploughed field, the high road yonder, and Mary, stripping ivy from the trees. When he came up with her he linked his arm through hers and said: "Now, Mary, what"s all this about America?"
There was a brotherly kindness in his voice which seemed to her magnanimous, when she reflected that she had cut short his explanations and shown little interest in his change of plan. She gave him her reasons for thinking that she might profit by such a journey, omitting the one reason which had set all the rest in motion. He listened attentively, and made no attempt to dissuade her. In truth, he found himself curiously eager to make certain of her good sense, and accepted each fresh proof of it with satisfaction, as though it helped him to make up his mind about something. She forgot the pain he had caused her, and in place of it she became conscious of a steady tide of well-being which harmonized very aptly with the tramp of their feet upon the dry road and the support of his arm. The comfort was the more glowing in that it seemed to be the reward of her determination to behave to him simply and without attempting to be other than she was. Instead of making out an interest in the poets, she avoided them instinctively, and dwelt rather insistently upon the practical nature of her gifts.
In a practical way she asked for particulars of his cottage, which hardly existed in his mind, and corrected his vagueness.
"You must see that there"s water," she insisted, with an exaggeration of interest. She avoided asking him what he meant to do in this cottage, and, at last, when all the practical details had been thrashed out as much as possible, he rewarded her by a more intimate statement.
"One of the rooms," he said, "must be my study, for, you see, Mary, I"m going to write a book." Here he withdrew his arm from hers, lit his pipe, and they tramped on in a sagacious kind of comradeship, the most complete they had attained in all their friendship.
"And what"s your book to be about?" she said, as boldly as if she had never come to grief with Ralph in talking about books. He told her unhesitatingly that he meant to write the history of the English village from Saxon days to the present time. Some such plan had lain as a seed in his mind for many years; and now that he had decided, in a flash, to give up his profession, the seed grew in the s.p.a.ce of twenty minutes both tall and l.u.s.ty. He was surprised himself at the positive way in which he spoke. It was the same with the question of his cottage. That had come into existence, too, in an unromantic shape-a square white house standing just off the high road, no doubt, with a neighbour who kept a pig and a dozen squalling children; for these plans were shorn of all romance in his mind, and the pleasure he derived from thinking of them was checked directly it pa.s.sed a very sober limit. So a sensible man who has lost his chance of some beautiful inheritance might tread out the narrow bounds of his actual dwelling-place, and a.s.sure himself that life is supportable within its demesne, only one must grow turnips and cabbages, not melons and pomegranates. Certainly Ralph took some pride in the resources of his mind, and was insensibly helped to right himself by Mary"s trust in him. She wound her ivy spray round her ash-plant, and for the first time for many days, when alone with Ralph, set no spies upon her motives, sayings, and feelings, but surrendered herself to complete happiness.
Thus talking, with easy silences and some pauses to look at the view over the hedge and to decide upon the species of a little grey-brown bird slipping among the twigs, they walked into Lincoln, and after strolling up and down the main street, decided upon an inn where the rounded window suggested substantial fare, nor were they mistaken. For over a hundred and fifty years hot joints, potatoes, greens, and apple puddings had been served to generations of country gentlemen, and now, sitting at a table in the hollow of the bow window, Ralph and Mary took their share of this perennial feast. Looking across the joint, half-way through the meal, Mary wondered whether Ralph would ever come to look quite like the other people in the room. Would he be absorbed among the round pink faces, p.r.i.c.ked with little white bristles, the calves fitted in shiny brown leather, the black-and-white check suits, which were sprinkled about in the same room with them? She half hoped so; she thought that it was only in his mind that he was different. She did not wish him to be too different from other people. The walk had given him a ruddy colour, too, and his eyes were lit up by a steady, honest light, which could not make the simplest farmer feel ill at ease, or suggest to the most devout of clergymen a disposition to sneer at his faith. She loved the steep cliff of his forehead, and compared it to the brow of a young Greek horseman, who reins his horse back so sharply that it half falls on its haunches. He always seemed to her like a rider on a spirited horse. And there was an exaltation to her in being with him, because there was a risk that he would not be able to keep to the right pace among other people. Sitting opposite him at the little table in the window, she came back to that state of careless exaltation which had overcome her when they halted by the gate, but now it was accompanied by a sense of sanity and security, for she felt that they had a feeling in common which scarcely needed embodiment in words. How silent he was! leaning his forehead on his hand, now and then, and again looking steadily and gravely at the backs of the two men at the next table, with so little self-consciousness that she could almost watch his mind placing one thought solidly upon the top of another; she thought that she could feel him thinking, through the shade of her fingers, and she could antic.i.p.ate the exact moment when he would put an end to his thought and turn a little in his chair and say: "Well, Mary-?" inviting her to take up the thread of thought where he had dropped it.
And at that very moment he turned just so, and said: "Well, Mary?" with the curious touch of diffidence which she loved in him.
She laughed, and she explained her laugh on the spur of the moment by the look of the people in the street below. There was a motor-car with an old lady swathed in blue veils, and a lady"s maid on the seat opposite, holding a King Charles"s spaniel;cc there was a country-woman wheeling a perambulator full of sticks down the middle of the road; there was a bailiff in gaiters there was a country-woman wheeling a perambulator full of sticks down the middle of the road; there was a bailiff in gaiterscd discussing the state of the cattle market with a dissenting minister-so she defined them. discussing the state of the cattle market with a dissenting minister-so she defined them.
She ran over this list without any fear that her companion would think her trivial. Indeed, whether it was due to the warmth of the room or to the good roast beef, or whether Ralph had achieved the process which is called making up one"s mind, certainly he had given up testing the good sense, the independent character, the intelligence shown in her remarks. He had been building one of those piles of thought, as ramshackle and fantastic as a Chinese paG.o.da, half from words let fall by gentlemen in gaiters, half from the litter in his own mind, about duck shooting and legal history, about the Roman occupation of Lincoln and the relations of country gentlemen with their wives, when, from all this disconnected rambling, there suddenly formed itself in his mind the idea that he would ask Mary to marry him. The idea was so spontaneous that it seemed to shape itself of its own accord before his eyes. It was then that he turned round and made use of his old, instinctive phrase: "Well, Mary-?"
As it presented itself to him at first, the idea was so new and interesting that he was half inclined to address it, without more ado, to Mary herself. His natural instinct to divide his thoughts carefully into two different cla.s.ses before he expressed them to her prevailed. But as he watched her looking out of the window and describing the old lady, the woman with the perambulator, the bailiff and the dissenting minister, his eyes filled involuntarily with tears. He would have liked to lay his head on her shoulder and sob, while she parted his hair with her fingers and soothed him and said: "There, there. Don"t cry! Tell me why you"re crying-"; and they would clasp each other tight, and her arms would hold him like his mother"s. He felt that he was very lonely, and that he was afraid of the other people in the room.
"How d.a.m.nable this all is!" he exclaimed abruptly.
"What are you talking about?" she replied, rather vaguely, still looking out of the window.
He resented this divided attention more than, perhaps, he knew, and he thought how Mary would soon be on her way to America.
"Mary," he said, "I want to talk to you. Haven"t we nearly done? Why don"t they take away these plates?"
Mary felt his agitation without looking at him; she felt convinced that she knew what it was that he wished to say to her.
"They"ll come all in good time," she said; and felt it necessary to display her extreme calmness by lifting a salt-cellar and sweeping up a little heap of bread-crumbs.
"I want to apologize," Ralph continued, not quite knowing what he was about to say, but feeling some curious instinct which urged him to commit himself irrevocably, and to prevent the moment of intimacy from pa.s.sing.
"I think I"ve treated you very badly. That is, I"ve told you lies. Did you guess that I was lying to you? Once in Lincoln"s Inn Fields and again to-day on our walk. I am a liar, Mary. Did you know that? Do you think you do know me?"
"I think I do," she said.
At this point the waiter changed their plates.
"It"s true I don"t want you to go to America," he said, looking fixedly at the table-cloth. "In fact, my feelings towards you seem to be utterly and d.a.m.nably bad," he said energetically, although forced to keep his voice low.
"If I weren"t a selfish beast I should tell you to have nothing more to do with me. And yet, Mary, in spite of the fact that I believe what I"m saying, I also believe that it"s good we should know each other-the world being what it is, you see-" and by a nod of his head he indicated the other occupants of the room, "for, of course, in an ideal state of things, in a decent community even, there"s no doubt you shouldn"t have anything to do with me-seriously, that is."
"You forget that I"m not an ideal character, either," said Mary, in the same low and very earnest tones, which, in spite of being almost inaudible surrounded their table with an atmosphere of concentration which was quite perceptible to the other diners, who glanced at them now and then with a queer mixture of kindness, amus.e.m.e.nt, and curiosity.
"I"m much more selfish than I let on, and I"m worldly a little-more than you think, anyhow. I like bossing things-perhaps that"s my greatest fault. I"ve none of your pa.s.sion for-" here she hesitated, and glanced at him, as if to ascertain what his pa.s.sion was for-"for the truth," she added, as if she had found what she sought indisputably.
"I"ve told you I"m a liar," Ralph repeated obstinately.
"Oh, in little things, I dare say," she said impatiently. "But not in real ones, and that"s what matters. I dare say I"m more truthful than you are in small ways. But I could never care"-she was surprised to find herself speaking the word, and had to force herself to speak it out-"for any one who was a liar in that way. I love the truth a certain amount-a considerable amount-but not in the way you love it." Her voice sank, became inaudible, and wavered as if she could scarcely keep herself from tears.
"Good heavens!" Ralph exclaimed to himself."She loves me! Why did I never see it before? She"s going to cry; no, but she can"t speak."
The certainty overwhelmed him so that he scarcely knew what he was doing; the blood rushed to his cheeks, and although he had quite made up his mind to ask her to marry him, the certainty that she loved him seemed to change the situation so completely that he could not do it. He did not dare to look at her. If she cried, he did not know what he should do. It seemed to him that something of a terrible and devastating nature had happened. The waiter changed their plates once more.
In his agitation Ralph rose, turned his back upon Mary, and looked out of the window. The people in the street seemed to him only a dissolving and combining pattern of black particles; which, for the moment, represented very well the involuntary procession of feelings and thoughts which formed and dissolved in rapid succession in his own mind. At one moment he exulted in the thought that Mary loved him; at the next, it seemed that he was without feeling for her; her love was repulsive to him. Now he felt urged to marry her at once; now to disappear and never see her again. In order to control this disorderly race of thought he forced himself to read the name on the chemist"s shop directly opposite him; then to examine the objects in the shop windows, and then to focus his eyes exactly upon a little group of women looking in at the great windows of a large draper"s shop. This discipline having given him at least a superficial control of himself, he was about to turn and ask the waiter to bring the bill, when his eye was caught by a tall figure walking quickly along the opposite pavement-a tall figure, upright, dark, and commanding, much detached from her surroundings. She held her gloves in her left hand, and the left hand was bare. All this Ralph noticed and enumerated and recognized before he put a name to the whole-Katharine Hilbery. She seemed to be looking for somebody. Her eyes, in fact, scanned both sides of the street, and for one second were raised directly to the bow window in which Ralph stood; but she looked away again instantly without giving any sign that she had seen him. This sudden apparition had an extraordinary effect upon him. It was as if he had thought of her so intensely that his mind had formed the shape of her, rather than that he had seen her in the flesh outside in the street. And yet he had not been thinking of her at all. The impression was so intense that he could not dismiss it, nor even think whether he had seen her or merely imagined her. He sat down at once, and said, briefly and strangely, rather to himself than to Mary: "That was Katharine Hilbery."
"Katharine Hilbery? What do you mean?" she asked, hardly understanding from his manner whether he had seen her or not.
"Katharine Hilbery," he repeated. "But she"s gone now."
"Katharine Hilbery!" Mary thought, in an instant of blinding revelation; "I"ve always known it was Katharine Hilbery!" She knew it all now.
After a moment of downcast stupor, she raised her eyes, looked steadily at Ralph, and caught his fixed and dreamy gaze levelled at a point far beyond their surroundings, a point that she had never reached in all the time that she had known him. She noticed the lips just parted, the fingers loosely clenched, the whole att.i.tude of rapt contemplation, which fell like a veil between them. She noticed everything about him; if there had been other signs of his utter alienation she would have sought them out too, for she felt that it was only by heaping one truth upon another that she could keep herself sitting there, upright. The truth seemed to support her; it struck her, even as she looked at his face, that the light of truth was shining far away beyond him; the light of truth, she seemed to frame the words as she rose to go, shines on a world not to be shaken by our personal calamities.
Ralph handed her coat and her stick. She took them, fastened the coat securely, grasped the stick firmly. The ivy spray was still twisted about the handle; this one sacrifice, she thought, she might make to sentimentality and personality, and she picked two leaves from the ivy and put them in her pocket before she disenc.u.mbered her stick of the rest of it. She grasped the stick in the middle, and settled her fur cap closely upon her head, as if she must be in trim for a long and stormy walk. Next, standing in the middle of the road, she took a slip of paper from her purse, and read out loud a list of commissions entrusted to her-fruit, b.u.t.ter, string, and so on; and all the time she never spoke directly to Ralph or looked at him.
Ralph heard her giving orders to attentive, rosy-cheeked men in white ap.r.o.ns, and in spite of his own preoccupation, he commented upon the determination with which she made her wishes known. Once more he began, automatically, to take stock of her characteristics. Standing thus, superficially observant and stirring the sawdust on the floor meditatively with the toe of his boot, he was roused by a musical and familiar voice behind him, accompanied by a light touch upon his shoulder.
"I"m not mistaken? Surely Mr Denham? I caught a glimpse of your coat through the window, and I felt sure that I knew your coat. Have you seen Katharine or William? I"m wandering about Lincoln looking for the ruins."1 It was Mrs Hilbery; her entrance created some stir in the shop; many people looked at her.
"First of all, tell me where I am," she demanded, but, catching sight of the attentive shopman, she appealed to him. "The ruins-my party is waiting for me at the ruins. The Roman ruins-or Greek, Mr Denham? Your town has a great many beautiful things in it, but I wish it hadn"t so many ruins. I never saw such delightful little pots of honey in my life-are they made by your own bees? Please give me one of those little pots, and tell me how I shall find my way to the ruins."
"And now," she continued, having received the information and the pot of honey, having been introduced to Mary, and having insisted that they should accompany her back to the ruins, since in a town with so many turnings, such prospects, such delightful little half-naked boys dabbling in pools, such Venetian ca.n.a.ls,ce such old blue china in the curiosity shops, it was impossible for one person all alone to find her way to the ruins. "Now," she exclaimed, "please tell me what you"re doing here, Mr Denham-for you such old blue china in the curiosity shops, it was impossible for one person all alone to find her way to the ruins. "Now," she exclaimed, "please tell me what you"re doing here, Mr Denham-for you are are Mr Denham, aren"t you?" she inquired, gazing at him with a sudden suspicion of her own accuracy. "The brilliant young man who writes for the Review, I mean? Only yesterday my husband was telling me he thought you one of the cleverest young men he knew. Certainly, you"ve been the messenger of Providence to me, for unless I"d seen you I"m sure I should never have found the ruins at all." Mr Denham, aren"t you?" she inquired, gazing at him with a sudden suspicion of her own accuracy. "The brilliant young man who writes for the Review, I mean? Only yesterday my husband was telling me he thought you one of the cleverest young men he knew. Certainly, you"ve been the messenger of Providence to me, for unless I"d seen you I"m sure I should never have found the ruins at all."
They had reached the Roman arch when Mrs Hilbery caught sight of her own party, standing like sentinels facing up and down the road so as to intercept her if, as they expected, she had got lodged in some shop.
"I"ve found something much better than ruins!" she exclaimed. "I"ve found two friends who told me how to find you, which I could never have done without them. They must come and have tea with us. What a pity that we"ve just had luncheon." Could they not somehow revoke that meal?
Katharine, who had gone a few steps by herself down the road, and was investigating the window of an ironmonger, as if her mother might have got herself concealed among mowing-machines and garden-shears, turned sharply on hearing her voice, and came towards them. She was a great deal surprised to see Denham and Mary Datchet. Whether the cordiality with which she greeted them was merely that which is natural to a surprise meeting in the country, or whether she was really glad to see them both, at any rate she exclaimed with unusual pleasure as she shook hands: "I never knew you lived here. Why didn"t you say so, and we could have met? And are you staying with Mary?" she continued, turning to Ralph. "What a pity we didn"t meet before."
Thus confronted at a distance of only a few feet by the real body of the woman about whom he had dreamt so many million dreams, Ralph stammered; he made a clutch at his self-control; the colour either came to his cheeks or left them, he knew not which; but he was determined to face her and track down in the cold light of day whatever vestige of truth there might be in his persistent imaginations. He did not succeed in saying anything. It was Mary who spoke for both of them. He was struck dumb by finding that Katharine was quite different, in some strange way, from his memory, so that he had to dismiss his old view in order to accept the new one. The wind was blowing her crimson scarf across her face; the wind had already loosened her hair, which looped across the corner of one of the large, dark eyes which, so he used to think, looked sad; now they looked bright with the brightness of the sea struck by an unclouded ray; everything about her seemed rapid, fragmentary, and full of a kind of racing speed. He realized suddenly that he had never seen her in the daylight before.
Meanwhile, it was decided that it was too late to go in search of ruins as they had intended; and the whole party began to walk towards the stables where the carriage had been put up.
"Do you know," said Katharine, keeping slightly in advance of the rest with Ralph, "I thought I saw you this morning, standing at a window. But I decided that it couldn"t be you. And it must have been you all the same."
"Yes, I thought I saw you-but it wasn"t you," he replied.
This remark, and the rough strain in his voice, recalled to her memory so many difficult speeches and abortive meetings that she was jerked directly back to the London drawing-room, the family relics, and the tea-table; and at the same time recalled some half-finished or interrupted remark which she had wanted to make herself or to hear from him-she could not remember what it was.
"I expect it was me," she said. "I was looking for my mother. It happens every time we come to Lincoln. In fact, there never was a family so unable to take care of itself as ours is. Not that it very much matters, because some one always turns up in the nick of time to help us out of our sc.r.a.pes. Once I was left in a field with a bull when I was a baby-but where did we leave the carriage? Down that street or the next? The next, I think." She glanced back and saw that the others were following obediently, listening to certain memories of Lincoln upon which Mrs Hilbery had started. "But what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I"m buying a cottage. I"m going to live here-as soon as I can find a cottage, and Mary tells me there"ll be no difficulty about that."
"But," she exclaimed, almost standing still in her surprise, "you will give up the Bar, then?" It flashed across her mind that he must already be engaged to Mary.
"The solicitor"s office? Yes. I"m giving that up."
"But why?" she asked. She answered herself at once, with a curious change from rapid speech to an almost melancholy tone. "I think you"re very wise to give it up. You will be much happier."
At this very moment, when her words seemed to be striking a path into the future for him, they stepped into the yard of an inn, and there beheld the family coach of the Otways, to which one sleek horse was already attached, while the second was being led out of the stable door by the ostler. cf cf "I don"t know what one means by happiness," he said briefly, having to step aside in order to avoid a groom with a bucket. "Why do you think I shall be happy? I don"t expect to be anything of the kind. I expect to be rather less unhappy. I shall write a book and curse my charwoman-if happiness consists in that. What do you think?"
She could not answer because they were immediately surrounded by other members of the party-by Mrs Hilbery, and Mary, Henry Otway, and William.
Rodney went up to Katharine immediately and said to her: "Henry is going to drive home with your mother, and I suggest that they should put us down half-way and let us walk back."
Katharine nodded her head. She glanced at him with an oddly furtive expression.
"Unfortunately we go in opposite directions, or we might have given you a lift," he continued to Denham. His manner was unusually peremptory; he seemed anxious to hasten the departure, and Katharine looked at him from time to time, as Denham noticed, with an expression half of inquiry, half of annoyance. She at once helped her mother into her cloak, and said to Mary: "I want to see you. Are you going back to London at once? I will write." She half smiled at Ralph, but her look was a little overcast by something she was thinking, and in a very few minutes the Otway carriage rolled out of the stable yard and turned down the high road leading to the village of Lampsher.
The return drive was almost as silent as the drive from home had been in the morning; indeed, Mrs Hilbery leant back with closed eyes in her corner, and either slept or feigned sleep, as her habit was in the intervals between the seasons of active exertion, or continued the story which she had begun to tell herself that morning.
About two miles from Lampsher the road ran over the rounded summit of the heath, a lonely spot marked by an obelisk of granite,2 setting forth the grat.i.tude of some great lady of the eighteenth century who had been set upon by highwaymen at this spot and delivered from death just as hope seemed lost. In summer it was a pleasant place, for the deep woods on either side murmured, and the heather, which grew thick round the granite pedestal, made the light breeze taste sweetly; in winter the sighing of the trees was deepened to a hollow sound, and the heath was as grey and almost as solitary as the empty sweep of the clouds above it. setting forth the grat.i.tude of some great lady of the eighteenth century who had been set upon by highwaymen at this spot and delivered from death just as hope seemed lost. In summer it was a pleasant place, for the deep woods on either side murmured, and the heather, which grew thick round the granite pedestal, made the light breeze taste sweetly; in winter the sighing of the trees was deepened to a hollow sound, and the heath was as grey and almost as solitary as the empty sweep of the clouds above it.
Here Rodney stopped the carriage and helped Katharine to alight. Henry, too, gave her his hand, and fancied that she pressed it very slightly in parting as if she sent him a message. But the carriage rolled on immediately, without wakening Mrs Hilbery, and left the couple standing by the obelisk. That Rodney was angry with her and had made this opportunity for speaking to her, Katharine knew very well; she was neither glad nor sorry that the time had come, nor, indeed, knew what to expect, and thus remained silent. The carriage grew smaller and smaller upon the dusky road, and still Rodney did not speak. Perhaps, she thought, he waited until the last sign of the carriage had disappeared beneath the curve of the road and they were left entirely alone. To cloak their silence she read the writing on the obelisk, to do which she had to walk completely round it. She was murmuring a word to two of the pious lady"s thanks above her breath when Rodney joined her. In silence they set out along the cart-track which skirted the verge of the trees.
To break the silence was exactly what Rodney wished to do, and yet could not do to his own satisfaction. In company it was far easier to approach Katharine; alone with her, the aloofness and force of her character checked all his natural methods of attack. He believed that she had behaved very badly to him, but each separate instance of unkindness seemed too petty to be advanced when they were alone together.