Mr Pelham looked, smiled, bowed, and, as his hostess had moved on, followed her without a word. The curtain was drawn again either by him or by Mrs Hilbery.
But her mother had settled the question somehow. Katharine doubted no longer.
"As I told you last night," she said, "I think it"s your duty, if there"s a chance that you care for Ca.s.sandra, to discover what your feeling is for her now. It"s your duty to her, as well as to me. But we must tell my mother. We can"t go on pretending."
"That is entirely in your hands, of course," said Rodney, with an immediate return to the manner of a formal man of honour.
"Very well," said Katharine.
Directly he left her she would go to her mother, and explain that the engagement was at an end-or it might be better that they should go together?
"But, Katharine," Rodney began, nervously attempting to stuff Ca.s.sandra"s sheets back into their envelope; "if Ca.s.sandra-should Ca.s.sandra-you"ve asked Ca.s.sandra to stay with you."
"Yes; but I"ve not posted the letter."
He crossed his knees in a discomfited silence. By all his codes it was impossible to ask a woman with whom he had just broken off his engagement to help him to become acquainted with another woman with a view to his falling in love with her. If it was announced that their engagement was over, a long and complete separation would inevitably follow; in those circ.u.mstances, letters and gifts were returned; after years of distance the severed couple met, perhaps at an evening party, and touched hands uncomfortably with an indifferent word or two. He would be cast off completely; he would have to trust to his own resources. He could never mention Ca.s.sandra to Katharine again; for months, and doubtless years, he would never see Katharine again; anything might happen to her in his absence.
Katharine was almost as well aware of his perplexities as he was. She knew in what direction complete generosity pointed the way; but pride-for to remain engaged to Rodney and to cover his experiments hurt what was n.o.bler in her than mere vanity-fought for its life.
"I"m to give up my freedom for an indefinite time," she thought, "in order that William may see Ca.s.sandra here at his ease. He"s not the courage to manage it without my help-he"s too much of a coward to tell me openly what he wants. He hates the notion of a public breach. He wants to keep us both."
When she reached this point, Rodney pocketed the letter and elaborately looked at his watch. Although the action meant that he resigned Ca.s.sandra, for he knew his own incompetence and distrusted himself entirely, and lost Katharine, for whom his feeling was profound though unsatisfactory, still it appeared to him that there was nothing else left for him to do. He was forced to go, leaving Katharine free, as he had said, to tell her mother that the engagement was at an end. But to do what plain duty required of an honourable man, cost an effort which only a day or two ago would have been inconceivable to him. That a relationship such as he had glanced at with desire could be possible between him and Katharine, he would have been the first, two days ago, to deny with indignation. But now his life had changed; his att.i.tude had changed; his feelings were different; new aims and possibilities had been shown him, and they had an almost irresistible fascination and force. The training of a life of thirty-five years had not left him defenceless; he was still master of his dignity; he rose, with a mind made up to an irrevocable farewell.
"I leave you, then," he said, standing up and holding out his hand with an effort that left him pale, but lent him dignity, "to tell your mother that our engagement is ended by your desire."
She took his hand and held it.
"You don"t trust me?" she said.
"I do, absolutely," he replied.
"No. You don"t trust me to help you ... I could help you?"
"I"m hopeless without your help!" he exclaimed pa.s.sionately, but withdrew his hand and turned his back. When he faced her, she thought that she saw him for the first time without disguise.
"It"s useless to pretend that I don"t understand what you"re offering, Katharine. I admit what you say. Speaking to you perfectly frankly, I believe at this moment that I do do love your cousin; there is a chance that, with your help, I might-but no," he broke off, "it"s impossible, it"s wrong-I"m infinitely to blame for having allowed this situation to arise." love your cousin; there is a chance that, with your help, I might-but no," he broke off, "it"s impossible, it"s wrong-I"m infinitely to blame for having allowed this situation to arise."
"Sit beside me. Let"s consider sensibly-"
"Your sense has been our undoing-" he groaned.
"I accept the responsibility."
"Ah, but can I allow that?" he exclaimed. "It would mean-for we must face it, Katharine-that we let our engagement stand for the time nominally; in fact, of course, your freedom would be absolute."
"And yours too."
"Yes, we should both be free. Let us say that I saw Ca.s.sandra once, twice, perhaps, under these conditions; and then if, as I think certain, the whole thing proves a dream, we tell your mother instantly. Why not tell her now, indeed, under pledge of secrecy?"
"Why not? It would be over London in ten minutes, besides, she would never even remotely understand."
"Your father, then? This secrecy is detestable-it"s dishonourable."
"My father would understand even less than my mother."
"Ah, who could be expected to understand?" Rodney groaned; "but it"s from your point of view that we must look at it. It"s not only asking too much, it"s putting you into a position-a position in which I could not endure to see my own sister."
"We"re not brothers and sisters," she said impatiently, "and if we can"t decide, who can? I"m not talking nonsense," she proceeded. "I"ve done my best to think this out from every point of view, and I"ve come to the conclusion that there are risks which have to be taken, though I don"t deny that they hurt horribly."
"Katharine, you mind? You"ll mind too much."
"No I shan"t," she said stoutly. "I shall mind a good deal, but I"m prepared for that; I shall get through it, because you will help me. You"ll both help me. In fact, we"ll help each other. That"s a Christian doctrine, isn"t it?"
"It sounds more like Paganism to me," Rodney groaned, as he reviewed the situation into which her Christian doctrine was plunging them.
And yet he could not deny that a divine relief possessed him, and that the future, instead of wearing a lead-coloured mask, now blossomed with a thousand varied gaieties and excitements. He was actually to see Ca.s.sandra within a week or perhaps less, and he was more anxious to know the date of her arrival than he could own even to himself. It seemed base to be so anxious to pluck this fruit of Katharine"s unexampled generosity and of his own contemptible baseness. And yet, though he used these words automatically, they had now no meaning. He was not debased in his own eyes by what he had done, and as for praising Katharine, were they not partners, conspirators, people bent upon the same quest together, so that to praise the pursuit of a common end as an act of generosity was meaningless. He took her hand and pressed it, not in thanks so much as in an ecstasy of comradeship.
"We will help each other," he said, repeating her words, seeking her eyes in an enthusiasm of friendship.
Her eyes were grave but dark with sadness as they rested on him. "He"s already gone," she thought, "far away-he thinks of me no more." And the fancy came to her that, as they sat side by side, hand in hand, she could hear the earth pouring from above to make a barrier between them, so that, as they sat, they were separated second by second by an impenetrable wall. The process, which affected her as that of being sealed away and for ever from all companionship with the person she cared for most, came to an end at last, and by common consent they unclasped their fingers, Rodney touching hers with his lips, as the curtain parted, and Mrs Hilbery peered through the opening with her benevolent and sarcastic expression to ask whether Katharine could remember was it Tuesday or Wednesday, and did she dine in Westminster?
"Dearest William," she said, pausing, as if she could not resist the pleasure of encroaching for a second upon this wonderful world of love and confidence and romance. "Dearest children," she added, disappearing with an impulsive gesture, as if she forced herself to draw the curtain upon a scene which she refused all temptation to interrupt.
CHAPTER XXV.
AT A QUARTER-PAST THREE in the afternoon of the following Sat.u.r.day Ralph Denham sat on the bank of the lake in Kew Gardens, dividing the dial-plate of his watch into sections with his forefinger. The just and inexorable nature of time itself was reflected in his face. He might have been composing a hymn to the unhasting and unresting march of divinity. He seemed to greet the lapse of minute after minute with stern acquiescence in the inevitable order. His expression was so severe, so serene, so immobile, that it seemed obvious that for him at least there was a grandeur in the departing hour which no petty irritation on his part was to mar, although the wasting time wasted also high private hopes of his own.
His face was no bad index to what went on within him. He was in a condition of mind rather too exalted for the trivialities of daily life. He could not accept the fact that a lady was fifteen minutes late in keeping her appointment without seeing in that accident the frustration of his entire life. Looking at his watch, he seemed to look deep into the springs of human existence, and by the light of what he saw there altered his course towards the north and the midnight ... Yes, one"s voyage must be made absolutely without companions through ice and black water-towards what goal? Here he laid his finger upon the half-hour, and decided that when the minute-hand reached that point he would go, at the same time answering the question put by another of the many voices of consciousness with the reply that there was undoubtedly a goal, but that it would need the most relentless energy to keep anywhere in its direction. Still, still, one goes on, the ticking seconds seemed to a.s.sure him, with dignity, with open eyes, with determination not to accept the second-rate, not to be tempted by the unworthy, not to yield, not to compromise. Twenty-five minutes past three were now marked upon the face of the watch. The world, he a.s.sured himself, since Katharine Hilbery was now half an hour behind her time, offers no happiness, no rest from struggle, no certainty.1 In a scheme of things utterly bad from the start the only unpardonable folly is that of hope. Raising his eyes for a moment from the face of his watch, he rested them upon the opposite bank, reflectively and not without a certain wistfulness, as if the sternness of their gaze were still capable of mitigation. Soon a look of the deepest satisfaction filled them, though, for a moment, he did not move. He watched a lady who came rapidly, and yet with a trace of hesitation, down the broad gra.s.s-walk towards him. She did not see him. Distance lent her figure an indescribable height, and romance seemed to surround her from the floating of a purple veil which the light air filled and curved from her shoulders. In a scheme of things utterly bad from the start the only unpardonable folly is that of hope. Raising his eyes for a moment from the face of his watch, he rested them upon the opposite bank, reflectively and not without a certain wistfulness, as if the sternness of their gaze were still capable of mitigation. Soon a look of the deepest satisfaction filled them, though, for a moment, he did not move. He watched a lady who came rapidly, and yet with a trace of hesitation, down the broad gra.s.s-walk towards him. She did not see him. Distance lent her figure an indescribable height, and romance seemed to surround her from the floating of a purple veil which the light air filled and curved from her shoulders.
"Here she comes, like a ship in full sail,"2 he said to himself, half remembering some line from a play or poem where the heroine bore down thus with feathers flying and airs saluting her. The greenery and the high presences of the trees surrounded her as if they stood forth at her coming. He rose, and she saw him; her little exclamation proved that she was glad to find him, and then that she blamed herself for being late. he said to himself, half remembering some line from a play or poem where the heroine bore down thus with feathers flying and airs saluting her. The greenery and the high presences of the trees surrounded her as if they stood forth at her coming. He rose, and she saw him; her little exclamation proved that she was glad to find him, and then that she blamed herself for being late.
"Why did you never tell me? I didn"t know there was this," she remarked, alluding to the lake, the broad green s.p.a.ce, the vista of trees, with the ruffled gold of the Thames in the distance and the Ducal castle standing in its meadows. She paid the rigid tail of the Ducal lion3 the tribute of incredulous laughter. the tribute of incredulous laughter.
"You"ve never been to Kew?" Denham remarked.
But it appeared that she had come once as a small child, when the geography of the place was entirely different, and the fauna included certainly flamingoes and, possibly, camels. They strolled on, refashioning these legendary gardens. She was, as he felt, glad merely to stroll and loiter and let her fancy touch upon anything her eyes encountered-a bush, a park-keeper, a decorated goose-as if the relaxation soothed her. The warmth of the afternoon, the first of spring, tempted them to sit upon a seat in a glade of beech-trees, with forest drives striking green paths this way and that around them. She sighed deeply.
"It"s so peaceful," she said, as if in explanation of her sigh. Not a single person was in sight, and the stir of the wind in the branches, that sound so seldom heard by Londoners, seemed to her as if wafted from fathomless oceans of sweet air in the distance.
While she breathed and looked, Denham was engaged in uncovering with the point of his stick a group of green spikes half smothered by dead leaves. He did this with the particular touch of the botanist. In naming the little green plant to her he used the Latin name, thus disguising some flower familiar even to Chelsea, and making her exclaim, half in amus.e.m.e.nt, at his knowledge. Her own ignorance was vast, she confessed. What did one call that tree opposite, for instance, supposing one condescended to call it by its English name? Beech or elm or sycamore? It chanced, by the testimony of a dead leaf, to be oak; and a little attention to a diagram which Denham proceeded to draw upon an envelope soon put Katharine in possession of some of the fundamental distinctions between our British trees. She then asked him to inform her about flowers. To her they were variously shaped and coloured petals, poised, at different seasons of the year, upon very similar green stalks; but to him they were, in the first instance, bulbs or seeds, and later, living things endowed with s.e.x, and pores, and susceptibilities which adapted themselves by all manner of ingenious devices to live and beget life, and could be fashioned squat or tapering, flame-coloured or pale, pure or spotted, by processes which might reveal the secrets of human existence. Denham spoke with increasing ardour of a hobby which had long been his in secret. No discourse could have worn a more welcome sound in Katharine"s ears. For weeks she had heard nothing that made such pleasant music in her mind. It wakened echoes in all those remote fastnesses of her being where loneliness had brooded so long undisturbed.
She wished he would go on for ever talking of plants, and showing her how science felt not quite blindly for the law that ruled their endless variations. A law that might be inscrutable but was certainly omnipotent appealed to her at the moment, because she could find nothing like it in possession of human lives. Circ.u.mstances had long forced her, as they force most women in the flower of youth, to consider, painfully and minutely, all that part of life which is conspicuously without order; she had had to consider moods and wishes, degrees of liking or disliking, and their effect upon the destiny of people dear to her; she had been forced to deny herself any contemplation of that other part of life where thought constructs a destiny which is independent of human beings. As Denham spoke, she followed his words and considered their bearing with an easy vigour which spoke of a capacity long h.o.a.rded and unspent. The very trees and the green merging into the blue distance became symbols of the vast external world which recks so little of the happiness, of the marriages or deaths of individuals. In order to give her examples of what he was saying, Denham led the way, first to the Rock Garden, and then to the Orchid House.
For him there was safety in the direction which the talk had taken. His emphasis might come from feelings more personal than those science roused in him, but it was disguised, and naturally he found it easy to expound and explain. Nevertheless, when he saw Katharine among the orchids, her beauty strangely emphasized by the fantastic plants, which seemed to peer and gape at her from striped hoods and fleshy throats, his ardour for botany waned, and a more complex feeling replaced it. She fell silent. The orchids seemed to suggest absorbing reflections. In defiance of the rules she stretched her ungloved hand and touched one. The sight of the rubies upon her finger affected him so disagreeably that he started and turned away. But the next moment he controlled himself; he looked at her taking in one strange shape after another with the contemplative, considering gaze of a person who sees not exactly what is before him, but gropes in regions that lie beyond it. The far-away look entirely lacked self-consciousness. Denham doubted whether she remembered his presence. He could recall himself, of course, by a word or a movement-but why? She was happier thus. She needed nothing that he could give her. And for him too, perhaps, it was best to keep aloof, only to know that she existed, to preserve what he already had-perfect, remote, and unbroken. Further, her still look, standing among the orchids in that hot atmosphere, strangely ill.u.s.trated some scene that he had imagined in his room at home. The sight, mingling with his recollection, kept him silent when the door was shut and they were walking on again.
But though she did not speak, Katharine had an uneasy sense that silence on her part was selfishness. It was selfish of her to continue, as she wished to do, a discussion of subjects not remotely connected with any human beings. She roused herself to consider their exact position upon the turbulent map of the emotions. Oh yes-it was a question whether Ralph Denham should live in the country and write a book; it was getting late; they must waste no more time; Ca.s.sandra arrived to-night for dinner; she flinched and roused herself, and discovered that she ought to be holding something in her hands. But they were empty. She held them out with an exclamation.
"I"ve left my bag somewhere-where?" The gardens had no points of the compa.s.s, so far as she was concerned. She had been walking for the most part on gra.s.s-that was all she knew. Even the road to the Orchid House had now split itself into three. But there was no bag in the Orchid House. It must, therefore, have been left upon the seat. They retraced their steps in the preoccupied manner of people who have to think about something that is lost. What did this bag look like? What did it contain?
"A purse-a ticket-some letters, papers," Katharine counted, becoming more agitated as she recalled the list. Denham went on quickly in advance of her, and she heard him shout that he had found it before she reached the seat. In order to make sure that all was safe she spread the contents on her knee. It was a queer collection, Denham thought, gazing with the deepest interest. Loose gold coins were tangled in a narrow strip of lace; there were letters which somehow suggested the extreme of intimacy; there were two or three keys, and lists of commissions against which crosses were set at intervals. But she did not seem satisfied until she had made sure of a certain paper so folded that Denham could not judge what it contained. In her relief and grat.i.tude she began at once to say that she had been thinking over what Denham had told her of his plans.
He cut her short. "Don"t let"s discuss that dreary business."
"But I thought-"
"It"s a dreary business. I ought never to have bothered you-"
"Have you decided, then?"
He made an impatient sound. "It"s not anything that matters."
She could only say rather flatly, "Oh!"
"I mean it matters to me, but it matters to no one else. Anyhow," he continued, more amiably, "I see no reason why you should be bothered with other people"s nuisances."
She supposed that she had let him see too clearly her weariness of this side of life.
"I"m afraid I"ve often been absent-minded," she began, remembering how often William had brought this charge against her.
"You have a good deal to make you absent-minded," he replied.
"Yes," she replied, flushing. "No," she contradicted herself. "Nothing particular, I mean. But I was thinking about plants. I was enjoying myself. In fact, I"ve seldom enjoyed an afternoon more. But I want to hear what you"ve settled, if you don"t mind telling me."
"Oh, it"s all settled," he replied. "I"m going to this infernal cottage to write a worthless book."
"How I envy you," she replied, with the utmost sincerity.
"Well, cottages are to be had for fifteen shillings a week."
"Cottages are to be had-yes," she replied. "The question is-" She checked herself. "Two rooms are all I should want," she continued, with a curious sigh; "one for eating, one for sleeping. Oh, but I should like another, a large one at the top, and a little garden where one could grow flowers. A path-so-down to a river, or up to a wood, and the sea not very far off, so that one could hear the waves at night. Ships just vanishing on the horizon-" She broke off. "Shall you be near the sea?"
"My notion of perfect happiness," he began, not replying to her question, "is to live as you"ve said."
"Well, now you can. You will work, I suppose," she continued; "you"ll work all the morning and again after tea and perhaps at night. You won"t have people always coming about you to interrupt."
"How far can one live alone?" he asked. "Have you tried ever?"
"Once for three weeks," she replied. "My father and mother were in Italy, and something happened so that I couldn"t join them. For three weeks I lived entirely by myself, and the only person I spoke to was a stranger in a shop where I lunched-a man with a beard. Then I went back to my room by myself and-well, I did what I liked. It doesn"t make me out an amiable character, I"m afraid," she added, "but I can"t endure living with other people. An occasional man with a beard is interesting; he"s detached; he lets me go my way, and we know we shall never meet again. Therefore, we are perfectly sincere-a thing not possible with one"s friends."
"Nonsense," Denham replied abruptly.
"Why "nonsense"?" she inquired.
"Because you don"t mean what you say," he expostulated.
"You"re very positive," she said, laughing and looking at him. How arbitrary, hot-tempered, and imperious he was! He had asked her to come to Kew to advise him; he then told her he had settled the question already; he then proceeded to find fault with her. He was the very opposite of William Rodney, she thought; he was shabby, his clothes were badly made, he was ill versed in the amenities of life; he was tongue-tied and awkward to the verge of obliterating his real character. He was awkwardly silent; he was awkwardly emphatic. And yet she liked him.
"I don"t mean what I say," she repeated good-humouredly. "Well-?"
"I doubt whether you make absolute sincerity your standard in life," he answered significantly.
She flushed. He had penetrated at once to the weak spot-her engagement, and had reason for what he said. He was not altogether justified now, at any rate, she was glad to remember; but she could not enlighten him and must bear his insinuations, though from the lips of a man who had behaved as he had behaved their force should not have been sharp. Nevertheless, what he said had its force, she mused; partly because he seemed unconscious of his own lapse in the case of Mary Datchet, and thus baffled her insight; partly because he always spoke with force, for what reason she did not yet feel certain.
"Absolute sincerity is rather difficult, don"t you think?" she inquired, with a touch of irony.
"There are people one credits even with that," he replied a little vaguely. He was ashamed of his savage wish to hurt her, and yet it was not for the sake of hurting her, who was beyond his shafts, but in order to mortify his own incredibly reckless impulse of abandonment to the spirit which seemed, at moments, about to rush him to the uttermost ends of the earth. She affected him beyond the scope of his wildest dreams. He seemed to see that beneath the quiet surface of her manner, which was almost pathetically at hand and within reach for all the trivial demands of daily life, there was a spirit which she reserved or repressed for some reason either of loneliness or-could it be possible?-of love. Was it given to Rodney to see her unmasked, unrestrained, unconscious of her duties? a creature of uncalculating pa.s.sion and instinctive freedom? No; he refused to believe it. It was in her loneliness that Katharine was unreserved. "I went back to my room by myself and I did-what I liked." She had said that to him, and in saying it had given him a glimpse of possibilities, even of confidences, as if he might be the one to share her loneliness, the mere hint of which made his heart beat faster and his brain spin. He checked himself as brutally as he could. He saw her redden, and in the irony of her reply he heard her resentment.
He began slipping his smooth, silver watch in his pocket, in the hope that somehow he might help himself back to the calm and fatalistic mood which had been his when he looked at its face upon the bank of the lake, for that mood must, at whatever cost, be the mood of his intercourse with Katharine. He had spoken of grat.i.tude and acquiescence in the letter which he had never sent, and now all the force of his character must make good those vows in her presence.
She, thus challenged, tried meanwhile to define her points. She wished to make Denham understand.
"Don"t you see that if you have no relations with people it"s easier to be honest with them?" she inquired. "That is what I meant. One needn"t cajole them; one"s under no obligation to them. Surely you must have found with your own family that it"s impossible to discuss what matters to you most because you"re all herded together, because you"re in a conspiracy, because the position is false-" Her reasoning suspended itself a little inconclusively, for the subject was complex, and she found herself in ignorance whether Denham had a family or not. Denham was agreed with her as to the destructiveness of the family system, but he did not wish to discuss the problem at that moment.
He turned to a problem which was of greater interest to him.
"I"m convinced," he said, "that there are cases in which perfect sincerity is possible-cases where there"s no relationship, though the people live together, if you like, where each is free, where there"s no obligation upon either side."
"For a time-perhaps," she agreed, a little despondently. "But obligations always grow up. There are feelings to be considered. People aren"t simple, and though they may mean to be reasonable, they end"-in the condition in which she found herself, she meant, but added lamely-"in a muddle."
"Because," Denham instantly intervened, "they don"t make themselves understood at the beginning. I could undertake, at this instant," he continued, with a reasonable intonation which did much credit to his self-control, "to lay down terms for a friendship which should be perfectly sincere and perfectly straightforward."
She was curious to hear them, but, besides feeling that the topic concealed dangers better known to her than to him, she was reminded by his tone of his curious abstract declaration upon the Embankment. Anything that hinted at love for the moment alarmed her; it was as much an infliction to her as the rubbing of a skinless wound.
But he went on, without waiting for her invitation.
"In the first place, such a friendship must be unemotional," he laid it down emphatically. "At least, on both sides it must be understood that if either chooses to fall in love, he or she does so entirely at his own risk. Neither is under any obligation to the other. They must be at liberty to break or to alter at any moment. They must be able to say whatever they wish to say. All this must be understood."
"And they gain something worth having?" she asked.
"It"s a risk-of course it"s a risk," he replied. The word was one that she had been using frequently in her arguments with herself of late.
"But it"s the only way-if you think friendship worth having," he concluded.
"Perhaps under those conditions it might be," she said reflectively.
"Well," he said, "those are the terms of the friendship I wish to offer you." She had known that this was coming, but, none the less, felt a little shock, half of pleasure, half of reluctance, when she heard the formal statement.
"I should like it," she began, "but-"
"Would Rodney mind?"
"Oh no," she replied quickly.