"Yes, yes; I know all about it," ses "is wife. "You come inside for a bit; and, Gertie, you bring your father in a soda-a large soda."
They got "im in arter a lot o" trouble; but three times "e came back as far as the door, "olding on to them, and taking a little peep at me. The last time he shook his "ead at me, and said if I did it agin I could go and get my "arf-pints somewhere else.
I finished the beer wot the actor "ad left, and, arter telling the landlord I "oped his eyesight "ud be better in the morning, I went outside, and arter a careful look round walked back to the wharf.
I pushed the wicket open a little way and peeped in. The actor was standing just by the fust crane talking to two of the hands off of the Saltram. He"d got "is back to the light, but "ow it was they didn"t twig his voice I can"t think.
They was so busy talking that I crept along by the side of the wall and got to the office without their seeing me. I went into the private office and turned out the gas there, and sat down to wait for "im. Then I "eard a noise outside that took me to the door agin and kept me there, "olding on to the door-post and gasping for my breath. The cook of the Saltram was sitting on a paraffin-cask playing the mouth-orgin, and the actor, with "is arms folded across his stummick, was dancing a horn-pipe as if he"d gorn mad.
I never saw anything so ridikerlous in my life, and when I recollected that they thought it was me, I thought I should ha" dropped.
A night-watchman can"t be too careful, and I knew that it "ud be all over Wapping next morning that I "ad been dancing to a tuppenny-ha"penny mouth-orgin played by a ship"s cook. A man that does "is dooty always has a lot of people ready to believe the worst of "im.
I went back into the dark office and waited, and by and by I "eard them coming along to the gate and patting "im on the back and saying he ought to be in a pantermime instead o" wasting "is time night-watching. He left "em at the gate, and then "e came into the office smiling as if he"d done something clever.
"Wot d"ye think of me for a understudy?" he ses, laughing. "They all thought it was you. There wasn"t one of "em "ad the slightest suspicion -not one."
"And wot about my character?" I ses, folding my arms acrost my chest and looking at him.
"Character?" he ses, staring. "Why, there"s no "arm in dancing; it"s a innercent enjoyment."
"It ain"t one o" my innercent enjoyments," I ses, "and I don"t want to get the credit of it. If they hadn"t been sitting in a pub all the evening they"d "ave spotted you at once."
"Oh!" he ses, very huffy. "How?"
"Your voice," I ses. "You try and mimic a poll-parrot, and think it"s like me. And, for another thing, you walk about as though you"re stuffed with sawdust."
"I beg your pardon," he ses; "the voice and the walk are exact. Exact."
"Wot?" I ses, looking "im up and down. "You stand there and "ave the impudence to tell me that my voice is like that?"
"I do," he ses.
"Then I"m sorry for you," I ses. "I thought you"d got more sense."
He stood looking at me and gnawing "is finger, and by and by he ses, "Are you married?" he ses.
"I am," I ses, very short.
"Where do you live?" he ses.
I told "im.
"Very good," he ses; "p"r"aps I"ll be able to convince you arter all. By the way, wot do you call your wife? Missis?"
"Yes," I ses, staring at him. "But wot"s it got to do with you?"
"Nothing," he ses. "Nothing. Only I"m going to try the poll-parrot voice and the sawdust walk on her, that"s all. If I can deceive "er that"ll settle it."
"Deceive her?" I ses. "Do you think I"m going to let you go round to my "ouse and get me into trouble with the missis like that? Why, you must be crazy; that dancing must "ave got into your "ead."
"Where"s the "arm?" he ses, very sulky.
""Arm?" I ses. "I won"t "ave it, that"s all; and if you knew my missis you"d know without any telling."
"I"ll bet you a pound to a sixpence she wouldn"t know me," he ses, very earnest.
"She won"t "ave the chance," I ses, "so that"s all about it."
He stood there argufying for about ten minutes; but I was as firm as a rock. I wouldn"t move an inch, and at last, arter we was both on the point of losing our tempers, he picked up his bag and said as "ow he must be getting off "ome.
"But ain"t you going to take those things off fust?" I ses.
"No," he ses, smiling. "I"ll wait till I get "ome. Ta-ta."
He put "is bag on "is shoulder and walked to the gate, with me follering of "im.
"I expect I shall see a cab soon," he ses. "Good-bye."
"Wot are you laughing at?" I ses.
"On"y thoughts," he ses.
""Ave you got far to go?" I ses.
"No; just about the same distance as you "ave," he ses, and he went off spluttering like a soda-water bottle.
I took the broom and "ad a good sweep-up arter he "ad gorn, and I was just in the middle of it when the cook and the other two chaps from the Saltram came back, with three other sailormen and a brewer"s drayman they "ad brought to see me DANCE!
"Same as you did a little while ago, Bill," ses the cook, taking out "is beastly mouth-orgin and wiping it on "is sleeve. "Wot toon would you like?"
I couldn"t get away from "em, and when I told them I "ad never danced in my life the cook asked me where I expected to go to. He told the drayman that I"d been dancing like a fairy in sea-boots, and they all got in front of me and wouldn"t let me pa.s.s. I lost my temper at last, and, arter they "ad taken the broom away from me and the drayman and one o"
the sailormen "ad said wot they"d do to me if I was on"y fifty years younger, they sheered off.
I locked the gate arter "em and went back to the office, and I "adn"t been there above "arf an hour when somebody started ringing the gate-bell as if they was mad. I thought it was the cook"s lot come back at fust, so I opened the wicket just a trifle and peeped out. There was a "ansom-cab standing outside, and I "ad hardly got my nose to the crack when the actor-chap, still in my clothes, pushed the door open and nipped in.
"You"ve lost," he ses, pushing the door to and smiling all over.
"Where"s your sixpence?"
"Lost?" I ses, hardly able to speak. "D"ye mean to tell me you"ve been to my wife arter all-arter all I said to you?"
"I do," he ses, nodding, and smiling agin. "They were both deceived as easy as easy."
"Both?" I ses, staring at "im. "Both wot? "Ow many wives d"ye think I"ve got? Wot d"ye mean by it?"
"Arter I left you," he ses, giving me a little poke in the ribs, "I picked up a cab and, fust leaving my bag at Aldgate, I drove on to your "ouse and knocked at the door. I knocked twice, and then an angry-looking woman opened it and asked me wot I wanted.
""It"s all right, missis," I ses. "I"ve got "arf an hour off, and I"ve come to take you out for a walk."