"I wasn"t giving two thoughts to Georgette. You don"t believe me, I suppose."
"Maybe I do." She looked up at him. "I"ve been silly, Norman. Let"s-- let"s live our real life. Let"s not play with all the things that just might have been."
But he caught her hands. "No, Liwy. One last time. Let"s see what we would have been doing right now, Liwy! This very minute! If I had married Georgette."
Liwy was a little frightened. "Let"s not, Norman." She was thinking of his eyes, smiling hungrily at her as he held the shaker, while Georgette stood beside her, unregarded. She didn"t want to know what happened afterward. She just wanted this life now, this good life.
New Haven came and went.
Norman said again, "I want to try, Liwy."
She said, "If you want to, Norman." She decided fiercely that it wouldn"t matter. Nothing would matter. Her hands reached out and encircled his arm. She held it tightly, and while she held it she thought: "Nothing in the make-believe can take him from me."
Norman said to the little man, "Set "em up again."
In the yellow light the process seemed to be slower. Gently the frosted slab cleared, like clouds being torn apart and dispersed by an unfelt wind.
Norman was saying, "There"s something wrong. That"s just the two of us, exactly as we are now."
He was right. Two little figures were sitting in a train on the seats which were farthest toward the front. The field was enlarging now--they were merging into it. Norman"s voice was distant and fading.
"It"s the same train," he was saying. "The window in back is cracked just as--"
Liwy was blindingly happy. She said, "I wish we were in New York."
He said, "It will be less than an hour, darling." Then he said, "I"m going to kiss you." He made a movement, as though he were about to begin.
"Not here! Oh, Norman, people are looking."
Norman drew back. He said, "We should have taken a taxi."
"From Boston to New York?"
"Sure. The privacy would have been worth it."
She laughed. "You"re funny when you try to act ardent."
"It isn"t an act." His voice was suddenly a little somber. "It"s not just an hour, you know. I feel as though I"ve been waiting five years."
"I do, too."
"Why couldn"t I have met you first? It was such a waste."
"Poor Georgette," Liwy sighed.
Norman moved impatiently. "Don"t be sorry for her, Liwy. We never really made a go of it. She was glad to get rid of me."
"I know that. That"s why I say "Poor Georgette." I"m just sorry for her for not being able to appreciate what she had."
"Well, see to it that you do," he said. "See to it that you"re immensely appreciative, infinitely appreciative--or more than that, see that you"re at least half as appreciative as I am of what I"ve got."
"Or else you"ll divorce me, too?"
"Over my dead body," said Norman.
Liwy said, "It"s all so strange. I keep thinking; "What if you hadn"t spilt the c.o.c.ktails on me that time at the party?" You wouldn"t have followed me out; you wouldn"t have told me; I wouldn"t have known. It would have been so different . . . everything."
"Nonsense. It would have been just the same. It would have all happened another time."
"I wonder," said Liwy softly.
Train noises merged into train noises. City lights flickered outside, and the atmosphere of New York was about them. The coach was astir with travelers dividing the baggage among themselves.
Liwy was an island in the turmoil until Norman shook her.
She looked at him and said, "The jigsaw pieces fit after all."
He said, "Yes."
She put a hand on his. "But it wasn"t good, just the same. I was very wrong. I thought that because we had each other, we should have all the possible each others. But all the possibles are none of our business. The real is enough. Do you know what I mean?"
He nodded.
She said, "There are millions of other what ifs. I don"t want to know what happened in any of them. I"ll never say "What if again."
Norman said, "Relax, dear. Here"s your coat." And he reached for the suitcases.
Liwy said with sudden sharpness, "Where"s Mr. If?"
Norman turned slowly to the empty seat that faced them. Together they scanned the rest of the coach.
"Maybe," Norman said, "he went into the next coach."
"But why? Besides, he wouldn"t leave his hat." And she bent to pick it up.
Norman said, "What hat?"
And Liwy stopped her fingers hovering over nothingness. She said, "It was here--I almost touched it." She straightened and said, "Oh, Norman, what if--"
Norman put a finger on her mouth. "Darling . . ."
She said, "I"m sorry. Here, let me help you with the suitcases."
The train dived into the tunnel beneath Park Avenue, and the noise of the wheels rose to a roar.
As long as I mentioned the parlor psychoa.n.a.lyst in the introduction to "What If--," I may as well go on to those fellows who a.n.a.lyze stories in Freudian fashion.
Given a Freudian cast of mind and sufficient ingenuity, it is possible, I think, to translate any collection of words (rational, irrational, or nonsensical) into s.e.xual symbolism, and then prate learnedly about the writer"s unconscious.
I have said this before and I"ll say it again. I don"t know what is in my unconscious mind and I don"t care. I don"t even know for sure that I have one.
I am told that the contents of one"s unconscious may so distort his personality that he can only straighten out by a close study of those hidden mental factors under the guidance of an a.n.a.lyst.
Maybe so, but the only thing about myself that I consider to be severe enough to warrant psychoa.n.a.lytic treatment is my compulsion to write. Perhaps if I vacuumed my mentality and got rid of the compulsion, I could spend more time sleeping in the sun and playing golf, or whatever it is that people do who have nothing better to do.
But I don"t want to, thank you. I know all about my compulsion and I like it and intend to keep it. Someone else can have my ticket for sleeping in the sun and playing golf.
So I hope no one ever has the impulse to psychoa.n.a.lyze my stories and come to me with a complete explanation of my compulsions and hangups and neuroses and expect me to be tearfully grateful. I"m not in the market. Nor am I interested in the hidden meanings of my stories. If you find them, keep them.
Which brings me to "Sally." It is well known that the average American male loves his car with a pseudos.e.xual pa.s.sion, and who am I to be un-American?
Anyone reading "Sally" can sense that I feel strongly attracted to the heroine of the story and that this probably reflects something of my own life. Toward the end of the story, in fact, Sally does something which will allow the amateur Freudian a field day. (Oh, find it for yourself; it won"t be hard.) The s.e.xual symbolism is blatant and the parlor psychoa.n.a.lyst can chuckle himself to death with what he win be sure exists in my unconscious mind.
Except that he will be quite wrong, because none of that was put in by my unconscious mind. It was all carefully and deliberately inserted by my conscious mind, because I wanted to.
First appearance--Fantastic, May-June, 1953. Copyright, 1953, by Ziff-Davis Publishing Company.
Sally
Sally was coming down the lake road, so I waved to her and called her by name. I always liked to see Sally. I liked all of them, you understand, but Sally"s the prettiest one of the lot. There just isn"t any question about it.
She moved a little faster when I waved to her. Nothing undignified. She was never that. She moved just enough faster to show that she was glad to see me, too.
I turned to the man standing beside me. "That"s Sally," I said.
He smiled at me and nodded.
Mrs. Hester had brought him in. She said, "This is Mr. Gellhorn, Jake. You remember he sent you the letter asking for an appointment."
That was just talk, really. I have a million things to do around the Farm, and one thing I just can"t waste my time on is mail. That"s why I have Mrs. Hester around. She lives pretty close by, she"s good at attending to foolishness without running to me about it, and most of all, she likes Sally and the rest. Some people don"t.
"Glad to see you, Mr. Gellhorn," I said.
"Raymond f. Gellhorn," he said, and gave me his hand, which I shook and gave back.
He was a largish fellow, half a head taller than I and wider, too. He was about half my age, thirtyish. He had black hair, plastered down slick, with a part in the middle, and a thin mustache, very neatly trimmed. His jawbones got big under his ears and made him look as if he had a slight case of mumps. On video he"d be a natural to play the villain, so I a.s.sumed he was a nice fellow. It goes to show that video can"t be wrong all the time.
"I"m Jacob Folkers," I said. "What can I do for you?"
He grinned. It was a big, wide, white-toothed grin. "You can tell me a little about your Farm here, if you don"t mind."
I heard Sally coming up behind me and I put out my hand. She slid right into it and the feel of the hard, glossy enamel of her fender was warm in my palm.
"A nice automatobile," said Gellhorn.
That"s one way of putting it. Sally was a 2045 convertible with a Hennis-Carleton positronic motor and an Armat cha.s.sis. She had the cleanest, finest lines I"ve ever seen on any model, bar none. For five years, she"d been my favorite, and I"d put everything into her I could dream up. In all that time, there"d never been a human being behind her wheel.
Not once.
"Sally," I said, patting her gently, "meet Mr. Gellhorn."
Sally"s cylinder-purr keyed up a little. I listened carefully for any knocking. Lately, I"d been hearing motor-knock in almost all the cars and changing the gasoline hadn"t done a bit of good. Sally was as smooth as her paint job this time, however.
"Do you have names for all your cars?" asked Gellhorn.
He sounded amused, and Mrs. Hester doesn"t like people to sound as though they were making fun of the Farm. She said, sharply, "Certainly. The cars have real personalities, don"t they, Jake? The sedans are all males and the convertibles are females."
Gellhorn was smiling again. "And do you keep them in separate garages, ma"am?"
Mrs. Hester glared at him.
Gellhorn said to me, "And now I wonder if I can talk to you alone, Mr. Folkers?"
"That depends," I said. "Are you a reporter?"
"No, sir. I"m a sales agent. Any talk we have is not for publication. I a.s.sure you I am interested in strict privacy."
"Let"s walk down the road a bit. There"s a bench we can use."
We started down. Mrs. Hester walked away. Sally nudged along after us.
I said, "You don"t mind if Sally comes along, do you?"
"Not at all. She can"t repeat what we say, can she?" He laughed at his own joke, reached over and rubbed Sally"s grille.
Sally raced her motor and Gellhorn"s hand drew away quickly.
"She"s not used to strangers," I explained.
"We sat down on the bench under the big oak tree where we could look across the small lake to the private speedway. It was the warm part of the day and the cars were out in force, at least thirty of them. Even at this distance I could see that Jeremiah was pulling his usual stunt of sneaking up behind some staid older model, then putting on a jerk of speed and yowling past with deliberately squealing brakes. Two weeks before he had crowded old Angus off the asphalt altogether, and I had turned off his motor for two days.
It didn"t help though, I"m afraid, and it looks as though there"s nothing to be done about it. Jeremiah is a sports model to begin with and that kind is awfully hot-headed.
"Well, Mr. Gellhorn," I said. "Could you tell me why you want the information?"
But he was just looking around. He said, "This is an amazing place, Mr. Folkers."
"I wish you"d call me Jake. Everyone does."
"All right, Jake. How many cars do you have here?"
"Fifty-one. We get one or two new ones every year. One year we got five. We haven"t lost one yet. They"re all in perfect running order. We even have a "15 model Mat-O-Mot in working order. One of the original automatics. It was the first car here."
Good old Matthew. He stayed in the garage most of the day now, but then he was the granddaddy of all positronic-motored cars. Those were the days when blind war veterans, paraplegics and heads of state were the only ones who drove automatics. But Samson Harridge was my boss and he was rich enough to be able to get one. I was his chauffeur at the time.