Self-Discipline and Friendship.
"Everything you want in life has a price connected to it. There is a price to pay if you want to make things better, a price to pay for leaving things as they are, a price for everything."
-HARRY BROWNE.
Fully 85 percent of your happiness will come from happy relationships with other people. Unfortunately, fully 85 percent of your problems and unhappiness will be a.s.sociated with other people as well. Chapters 18 and 19 offered some ideas on how to have a happier marriage and raise happier children, but in addition to your family, of course, your friendships are also important to your well-being.
It therefore behooves you to become absolutely excellent at human relations. Fortunately, this is a learnable skill. You can become one of the most popular people in your work and social circle by simply engaging in the behaviors that other popular people practice on a regular basis.
Aristotle wrote that man is a social animal. This means that we define ourselves in terms of our relationships with other people. Our destinies are determined by our interactions with others and theirs with us. We learn who we are and know about ourselves only through interacting with other people.
The Core of Personality.
Psychologists tell us that everything we do is either to build our self-esteem or to protect it from being torn down by other people. Each person is hypersensitive about his or her own sense of personal value and importance.
Your self-esteem-how you feel about yourself, how much you like yourself-is largely determined by your self-image, or the way you see and think about yourself. Your self-image is made up of three parts, like the three wedges of a pie, each touching the others:1. First, your self-image is made up of the way you see yourself. This largely determines the way you walk, talk, behave, and interact with others.
2. The second part of your self-image is the way you think others see you. If you think other people like, respect, and admire you, you see yourself in a positive way and you enjoy higher feelings of self-esteem and self-importance.
3. The third part of your self-image is the way people actually do see you and treat you. If you think you are well liked and popular and someone treats you in a rude or disrespectful way, it can be a shock to your self-image and lower your self-esteem. On the other hand, if you see yourself as an average person, and the people you meet treat you as though you are a valuable and important person, you can experience a positive shock to your self-image that causes you to like and value yourself even more.
The Key to Happiness.
You are truly happy only when you feel that all three parts of your self-image coincide. You are happy only when you feel that the way you see yourself, the way you think others see you, and the way they actually see you all seem to be consistent in a particular situation.
In life, you seek out friendships and relationships with people who make you feel comfortable with the way you see yourself and think about yourself. When you are with people who treat you as if you are valuable and important, you enjoy higher levels of self-esteem. You like and respect yourself more. You feel happy in their presence.
For example, in school you always did better and got better grades when you felt that the teacher liked you and cared about you. At work, perhaps the greatest motivator is an att.i.tude of consideration on the part of the boss toward the employee. Whenever an employee feels that the boss cares about him as a person rather than just as an employee, he feels more valuable and performs his job better.
The Law of Indirect Effort.
The secret to building and maintaining wonderful friendships and relationships is simple. It is for you to practice the Law of Indirect Effort in every interaction with other people.
You must get out of yourself and your own preoccupations in order to get into other people and how they might be thinking and feeling.
Therefore, if you want to have a friend, you must first be a friend. If you want people to like you, you should first like them. If you want people to respect you, you should first respect them. If you want to impress others, you should first be impressed by them. In this way, by approaching people indirectly, you appeal to their deepest subconscious needs.
Raise Other People"s Self-Esteem.
The deepest subconscious need that people have is the need to feel important. Since you have this need as well, whenever you practice the Law of Indirect Effort and focus on making other people feel important, you reinforce their self-image, increase their self-esteem, and make them feel happy about themselves-and by extension, about yourself.
Whenever you say or do anything to raise the self-esteem of another person, you trigger a "boomerang" effect that causes your own self-esteem to go up at the same time and in the same measure. You can never do or say anything to make another person feel better about himself without simultaneously feeling better about yourself.
It takes tremendous self-discipline and self-control for you to rise above yourself. Instead of trying to get other people to like you and be impressed by you, focus first on liking them and being impressed by them.
Seven Ways to Make People Feel Important.
The key to excellent relationships with others is quite simple: Make them feel important. To the degree to which you can make other people feel important-starting with the members of your family and then extending outward to your friends and coworkers-you will become one of the most popular people in your world.
There are seven ways to make other people feel important. These are simple practices that you can learn through repet.i.tion.
1. Accept People the Way They Are: One of the deepest cravings of human nature is to be accepted by other people without judgment, evaluation, or criticism. Psychologists call this behavior "unconditional positive regard." This is when you accept the other person completely, without reservation, for exactly the way he or she is.
Because most people are judgmental and critical, to be unconditionally accepted by another person raises that person"s self-esteem, reinforces his or her self-image, and makes that person feel happy about him or herself.
In the movie, Bridget Jones Diary, the entire focus was on the discovery by Bridget that she had found a man "who likes me just the way I am." This was considered to be such an amazing thing to happen. All her friends were astonished that anyone could ever have a relationship based on unconditional acceptance by another person.
When you look at other people and give them a genuine smile, they feel happier about themselves. Their self-esteem goes up. They feel more valuable and important.
When you stop thinking about yourself and the impression you are making on others and instead start thinking about others and the impression they are making on you, you can relax. You take a deep breath and just smile at people when you meet them and greet them both at home and at work. It is one of the most powerful self-esteem and relationship-building behaviors you can do. Smiling at people makes them feel important and valuable.
2. Show Your Appreciation for Others: Whenever you appreciate another person for anything that he or she has done or said, you raise that person"s self-esteem and make him or her feel more important. Expressions of appreciation-from small nods and smiles all the way through to cards, letters, and gifts-raise people"s self-esteem and cause them to like themselves more. As a result, by the Law of Indirect Effort, they will like you more as well.
The simplest way to express appreciation is to simply say, "Thank you." The words "thank you" are deeply appreciated in any language, anywhere in the world. I have traveled in ninety countries, and the very first thing I do is learn the words for "please" and "thank you." Each time you use those words, people brighten up, smile, and feel happy to be in your presence.
Every time you say thank you, it has an almost magical effect on the other person. It makes him feel important and far happier about being in your presence and helping you with anything you need.
3. Be Agreeable: The most welcomed people in every situation are those who are generally agreeable and positive with others. On the other hand, argumentative people who question, complain, and disagree are seldom welcome anywhere.
When you nod, smile, and agree with another person when he or she is talking or expressing an opinion, you make that person feel intelligent, respected, valuable, and important. When you are agreeable with another person, even if he says something with which you may not be in complete accord, you make that person feel happy to be in your presence.
In my work as a professional speaker, I meet thousands of people each year. They come up to me and often express opinions on subjects on which I am often well informed and they obviously are not. Sometimes they say ridiculous things that are either not true or make no sense.
In every case, however, I smile and agree, nodding and asking them questions and listening to them express their ideas and opinions. They go away feeling that they have had a good conversation with the speaker and that I probably agree with them. It costs me nothing and it makes them happy. It makes them feel important.
4. Show Your Admiration: People usually invest a lot of personal emotion in their possessions, traits, and accomplishments. When you admire something belonging to another person, it makes him feel happy about himself. As Abraham Lincoln said, "Everybody likes a compliment."
Express your admiration for people"s appearance and specific items of their clothing or dress. Men are especially complimented when you say something nice about their ties or their shoes. Women enjoy being complimented about their hair or any other item of their appearance. People spend a lot of time putting themselves together before they go out.
You can also compliment a person"s traits or characteristics, saying things such as, "You are certainly persistent." People invest their entire lives developing traits and qualities-especially positive qualities-and they feel flattered when you notice and compliment them on those qualities.
Compliment a person"s accomplishments. Tell people how much you admire their home or office or the business they have built or the position they have achieved in that business.
5. Pay Attention to Others: Perhaps the most powerful way to raise another person"s self-esteem is to listen to him attentively when he speaks. In my book The Power of Charm, my coauthor Ron Arden and I explain how listening to a person while he talks on any subject in a way that is focused is perceived as charming behavior.
The key to great listening is for you to ask questions and then hang on every word of the answers. When the person slows down or comes to the end of a statement, ask another question. Lean forward attentively. Listen without interrupting. Listen as though what the person is saying is the smartest and most interesting thing you have ever heard.
When people are attentively listened to, their brain releases endorphins. As a result, they feel happy about themselves. Their self-esteem goes up. What"s more, they a.s.sociate this happy feeling with being in your presence. From this, a person will like you more and find you a more interesting and intelligent person.
6. Never Criticize, Condemn, or Complain about anything, whether it be directly or indirectly. Never do or say anything that lowers a person"s self-esteem or makes him feel less important or valuable. Refuse to gossip or discuss other people in a negative way. Never say anything about a person that you would not say to his face.
The most harmful force in all of human relationships is destructive criticism. It lowers a person"s self-esteem, makes him feel angry and defensive, and causes him to dislike the source. So never complain about people or situations that you don"t like.
The most common word to describe the most popular people in every field is the word "nice." When you think of a business that you like to patronize or a restaurant you like to visit, you always think of the people there as being "nice." Whenever you recommend or refer someone to someone else, you always mention that he or she is a "nice person."
In sales and business, the nice people are always the most successful. People like to buy from them, buy again, and then recommend them to their friends. People enjoy seeing nice people, and they look forward to seeing them again.
When asked what they mean by the word "nice," people say that he or she is "cheerful." The more positive you are, the more cheerful you are likely to be. The more cheerful you are, the nicer personality you will have. The nicer personality you have, the more people will look forward to seeing you and being around you.
7. Be Courteous, Concerned, and Considerate of Everyone You Meet: Think of these as "the three Cs" and practice them with everyone you meet.
When you treat a person with courtesy and respect, he or she feels more valuable and important. As a result of making a person feel more valuable and respected, that person will in turn value and respect you even more as well.
When you express concern about things that are happening in a person"s life, he warms up to you and likes you more. When a person has a difficult situation and you express your concern or compa.s.sion, you touch his heart. You connect with his emotions. Through this, you make yourself a more likable person.
Consideration is the third of the three Cs. When you practice consideration, you discipline yourself to do and say things to people that makes them feel more valuable and important.
Be Concerned About Other People.
When you meet people for the first time or again after a period of time, ask them how they are, and then listen closely to the answers. People will often share with you a concern or problem in their lives. When they do, practice consideration and sensitivity. Treat the problem or difficulty as though it were extremely important to you. Amazingly enough, when you act as if you are really interested and concerned with a problem or situation in another person"s life, you very soon start to feel genuinely affected emotionally by the other person.
The rule for building lifelong friendships and wonderful relationships is simple. Resolve that from now on, when people leave your presence, they will feel much better than they did when they entered your presence. Practice all the ideas above to make people feel important. Look for ways to raise people"s self-esteem and reinforce their self-image. Make them feel as though they are valuable and worthwhile. Furthermore, everything that you do or say to make another person feel important makes you feel important as well.
Action Exercises:.
1. Make a list of the most important friends in your work and personal life. What could you do to make them feel better about themselves?
2. Identify the first thing you could do in every meeting or encounter to make the other person feel important.
3. Resolve to make each person feel more valuable and worthwhile because he or she spoke to you.
4. Practice nonjudgmentalism in all your relationships. Always a.s.sume the best of intentions on the part of others.
5. Imagine that each person you meet has only a short time to live and you are the only person who knows.
6. Find something about each person that is impressive to you, and then tell the other person how impressed you are.
7. Imagine that there is a hidden camera and microphone recording every interaction you have with other people. How would you behave differently?
Chapter 21.
Self-Discipline and Peace of Mind.
"Men are anxious to improve their circ.u.mstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. The man who does not shrink from self-crucifixion can never fail to accomplish the object upon which his heart is set. This is true of earthly as of heavenly things. Even the man whose object is to acquire wealth must be prepared to make great personal sacrifices before he can accomplish his object; and how much more so he who would realize a strong and well-poised life."
-JAMES ALLEN.
You require high levels of self-discipline if you truly desire to develop all your inner resources and fulfill your true potential. Throughout the ages, in all religions and philosophies the highest human good or idea has been peace of mind. Your ability to achieve your own peace of mind is the true measure of your success and the key determinant of your happiness.
To develop spiritually, and to become a fully functioning person, you must regularly apply self-discipline and self-control to your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Spiritual development, inner peace, and the experience of joy all require self-mastery and self-control.
Outer Versus Inner Success.