Twenty-four.
WHAT ABOUT THORPE?" HENRY ASKED ME once.
It was December 8, 2004, the fifteenth anniversary of Lila"s death, and we had just visited her grave with my parents.
It was a cool day in Palo Alto, the sun shining after a night of heavy rain. As there were no civilian cemeteries in San Francisco, we had been at a loss as to where to bury Lila. We ended up choosing Alta Mesa Memorial Park because it was the closest cemetery to Stanford. Even though it was a longer drive from the city than the large cemeteries in Colma and Daly City, it seemed like a more fitting place. We liked that trees had grown up around some of the older headstones, and that the grounds were well-kept without appearing overly manicured.
Much of that day is a blur. I remember that we rode to the cemetery in Henry"s Jeep Cherokee, because my car was in the shop. I remember that he had made a mixed CD for the drive, which began with Lila"s favorite song, Elvis Costello"s "Peace, Love & Understanding," and ended with Gram Parsons"s "She Once Lived Here." I remember that he held my hand while we drove, and that we had to stop at a 76 station in Burlingame because the gas light came on. I remember that, when we arrived, we had a difficult time finding Lila"s grave, despite the fact that I"d been there many times, and I felt embarra.s.sed that I got lost. Surely, if the situation were reversed, Lila would have had a clear picture in her mind of the layout of the cemetery, would have been able to remember not only the plot number, but exactly which path we needed to take to get there.
After wandering for a few minutes, we finally saw my parents standing in the distance, and made our way to them. My mother was wearing a navy dress and matching knee-high boots. She"d gotten a new haircut, with bangs, that made her look younger than she had in years. My father was dressed in a suit, and it took me a moment to realize he was going to the office later that day. It angered me that he would treat it like a regular day, that he would abandon my mother on such an important anniversary. Even though they had seen each other rarely in the five years since their divorce, this was one day I believed they should be together. When I pulled him aside and whispered, "I think Mom would really like it if you hung around today," he replied, "Actually, sweetheart, that"s the last thing your mother would want." He gave me a quick squeeze on the shoulder and walked away. And I couldn"t be angry anymore, because he had used that simple term of endearment left over from my childhood, a word he hadn"t used for me since Lila died.
It was early that afternoon, while Henry and I were eating lunch with my mother at Maven Lane Cafe, Lila"s favorite restaurant, that he posed the question: "What about Thorpe?"
I sat across the table from the two of them. I shot him a look, but he didn"t seem to understand.
"What about him?" my mother said warily.
"I just wonder about his motives," Henry said. "I wonder why he went to great lengths to make a case against Peter McConnell."
"It wasn"t that hard to do, Henry," my mother said. I recognized the tone of voice-I"d heard it when I watched her trying cases in court. It meant he was on thin ice. I tried to telepathically will him to back off, but he continued.
"I"m just saying, did anyone ever look at him?"
"Look at him?" my mother asked.
"You deal with crime all the time," Henry said. "Surely the person who appears at first glance to be guilty isn"t always the one."
"Henry," I said. "This isn"t the time."
"Actually," my mother said, "nine times out of ten, the person who appears to be guilty is."
Henry"s face flushed.
"Please pa.s.s the salt," I said.
But it was too late. My mother had laid down her fork and had turned to face Henry. "Go ahead."
Henry took a sip of water and looked at me, as if I might rescue him. But I knew my mother. Now that he"d baited her into this, he wasn"t getting out until he"d made his case, whatever it was.
"I just can"t help but think that Thorpe"s interest in the whole thing was bizarre. In the book, he tried to make it sound as if McConnell had something to gain from Lila"s death, but in truth McConnell could only lose. His career was at stake, his marriage. Everything about him pointed to his being a rational man, the kind of person who would weigh the consequences of his actions. To me, something about it just doesn"t add up. Technically, the only person who came out at an advantage in the end was Thorpe."
"Where is this coming from, anyway?" I asked. "Why on earth are you bringing this up now?"
"I saw something in Esquire last week," he said. "An article about the three murders last year in Golden Gate Park."
"The homeless men who were killed in their sleep?" my mother asked. I remembered it, too. It had been a big local news item for a couple of months. People in the Outer Sunset, near where the murders occurred, had begun to get nervous.
"Yes," Henry said. "The article was by Thorpe."
"Big deal," I said. "That"s how he makes a living. Other people"s tragedies."
"But there was something strange about the tone of the article," Henry said, "something almost gleeful. I got the feeling Thorpe actually took pleasure in the details. The police have never linked the three murders-one was a stabbing, one was a shooting, and the other was a strangulation-but Thorpe kept referring to the Golden Gate Park serial killer, as if it was a given that they were all related. As if he knew something no one else did."
It was unlike Henry to have such bad timing, such lack of subtlety. I regretted bringing him along. My mother had enough to contend with on the anniversary of Lila"s death. She didn"t need this. "You"re coming out of left field," I said. "Leave it alone."
My mother picked up her fork again and began moving her salad around on her plate. "It"s okay, Ellie," she said. "It"s not like it"s something I"ve never thought of."
"It"s not?"
She looked at me, her eyes soft. "Oh, I don"t think there"s any credibility to it. But I"ve thought of pretty much everything. Every possibility, no matter how far-fetched. In my mind, I"ve diagrammed a hundred different scenarios. For what it"s worth, I do believe, in my heart, that it was probably Peter McConnell. But if I were to look at it objectively, as a prosecutor, I"d have to say the case against him is flimsy. There"s only one thing I know for certain." She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. "Not a day goes by that I don"t think about your sister. Fifteen years, not one day."
Twenty-five.
THERE WERE OVER A HUNDRED HITS FOR "Billy Boudreaux" on Google, but when I added the search term "San Francisco," it narrowed the results to half a dozen. One of the links was to a spa.r.s.e Wikipedia page dedicated to a band called Potrero Sound Station. Two brief paragraphs identified it as a San Francis...o...b..nd that formed in 1975 and was defunct by 1979. The person I was looking for received a single mention-Billy Boudreaux on ba.s.s.
A search for "Potrero Sound Station" turned up a fan site, which had last been updated five years before. The site was devoted mostly to the lead singer, who went by the name Sound. Following the breakup of the band, Sound had embarked upon a lackl.u.s.ter solo career before opening a mechanic shop in Aurora, Colorado. His real name was Kevin Walsh. His first solo alb.u.m in sixteen years, Engine Days, had been released in 2003 and had received a favorable review from an alternative Denver weekly, as well as Time Out Scotland. The writer lamented the fact that the alb.u.m had been pa.s.sed over by all of the major publications, save for a one-line mention in a trivia question in Paste magazine. According to the site, the other original band member, Drew Letheid, was living with his banker wife and two children in Greenwich, and he never gave interviews. As for Billy Boudreaux, the site said only "whereabouts unknown."
It didn"t take long to find a Walsh Mechanics in Aurora, Colorado. It was four-thirty p.m. mountain time when I dialed the number.
"Walsh here," a voice said. "What can I do for you?"
"Kevin Walsh?"
"That"s me."
"I"m calling about the band," I blurted.
"What band?"
"Potrero Sound Station."
He laughed. "Now there"s a blast from the past. Are you with VH1? No offense, but I"m not interested in going on Bands Reunited. That was a long time ago, a totally different life."
"I"m just an old acquaintance of Billy Boudreaux," I said.
"Acquaintance? Sounds like he owes you money. You might want to take a number."
"It"s nothing like that. I"ve just been wondering what became of him." Walsh hadn"t hung up yet. I figured that was a good sign and plunged on. "Do you by any chance know where he is?"
"Sorry, doll. You"re asking the wrong person. I haven"t heard from him in decades. He got messed up in some bad stuff, you know."
"What kind of bad stuff?"
"c.o.ke, meth, whatever."
"Do you know if he stayed in San Francisco after the band broke up?"
"He was there for a few years, but I don"t know how long. He alienated all of us pretty well. Just became a major a.s.shole, impossible to be around. Sad, too, because before he got messed up with the drugs, he was the nicest guy you could hope to meet, genius on ba.s.s." He paused. "You know, we got a mention in a Rolling Stone article in, I don"t know, "84 or so. Ben Fong-Torres was the guy who wrote the piece. I was already out here by then, had a bad taste in my mouth from those years with the band, and Drew had gone corporate. Fong-Torres ended up interviewing Billy." He paused for a minute. "I guess that"s pretty much all I got for you."
"Thanks," I said. "You"ve been helpful."
"You bet. If your car ever breaks down in Colorado, you know who to call."
I knew about Ben Fong-Torres. I"d seen the movie Almost Famous, and over the years I"d read a number of his profiles of famous musicians. He still lived in San Francisco, where he did a weekly radio show. Four days later, I found myself standing in front of his towering three-story house at the top of a hill in the Castro. I"d contacted him through KRFC and he"d e-mailed right back.
I rang the bell. The intercom crackled. "Is this Miss Enderlin?" Ben"s voice was deep and resonant, just like on the radio. I imagined, with a voice like that, he"d never had any trouble meeting women.
"Hi, yes."
"You"re an hour early. You"ll have to come back later."
"I"m sorry," I said, before I realized he was joking.
"Elevator"s straight ahead and on your left. Take it to the third floor." I thought that was a joke, too, but after he buzzed me through the entrance, I saw that, indeed, there was a small elevator, outfitted with leopard-print carpet and gold-painted walls. I climbed in, punched 3, and checked my teeth for lipstick. I hated riding elevators in my hometown, imagined worst-case scenarios in which the big one struck. In the aftermath of the earthquake, as sirens wailed and aftershocks shook the building, I"d be trapped alone between floors while the building crumbled around me. Lila used to make fun of my overactive imagination. She"d tried to rea.s.sure me by calculating the probability that I"d actually be in an elevator at the exact moment of a major earthquake, but logic did nothing to quell my fears.
The elevator shuddered to a stop and the door opened. Ben stood in front of me in black pants and a gray shirt, looking dapper and not a day over forty-five. I quickly did the math. He"d begun writing for the fledgling Rolling Stone in 1967, which meant he had to be at least sixty. Maybe rock and roll had kept him young.
"Welcome to the manse," he said, grinning.
I thrust a box into his hand. "I brought you something," I said. "From Chow. It"s the half-chicken with mashed potatoes. I saw the interview in SanFrancisco magazine where you said it was your favorite."
"Thanks. You shouldn"t have."
I suddenly felt stupid for bringing him an entree, but I hated to arrive empty-handed and couldn"t think of an appropriate house gift for a man who surely had everything he desired. Normally, if I wanted to give a casual, heartfelt gift, I"d make someone a mixed CD, but I figured making a mixed CD for Ben Fong-Torres would be like making boeuf bourguignon for Anthony Bourdain.
"Make yourself at home," he said. "I"ll go plate this up."
The living room, like the elevator, was carpeted in a leopard print. The first thing I noticed was the view, a wall of windows facing north. At the far bottom of the hill the neon marquee of the Castro Theatre blinked on and off; the missing T on the sign gave San Francisco"s grandest old movie theater a pleasingly shabby look. Judging from the sign, you"d never guess that the interior of the theater was a throwback to baroque splendor, or that an organ rose from the orchestra pit each night before the seven-o"clock showing. It was a clear night, and the Golden Gate Bridge was visible beyond the twinkling city lights.
I walked over to the windows for a better perspective. In the patchwork of streets below I could see familiar houses, the roofs of apartment buildings I"d known all my life. It was strange to gaze down on my city from such a tremendous height. I knew these streets intimately, from the ground up. I"d walked the sidewalks thousands of times, looking up into the windows, spying on the lives of families. Our own family, I knew, must have been spied on this way as well by countless pa.s.sersby. When I was growing up, the windows of our living room were always uncovered. My mother loved the natural light and the bottlebrush tree beside our driveway, loved being able to glance out into the street and see friends and strangers walking by. After Lila died, she put up shutters. For the first several years after that, the shutters were rarely open, so that our once cheerful house became dim and sunless.
I imagined the people in the houses far below, looking up at the house on the hill, making up stories about the lives of the people who lived here. Did it ever occur to Ben, when he stood before his windows surveying the brilliant city, that someone might be watching? Most of us go about our lives with a belief in our own privacy. I had done so myself for many years. But then I sat in Thorpe"s office, looking through binoculars at my old bedroom window. And just weeks ago, in a cafe in Diriomo, I ran into a man who had been aware of my presence in the town long before I was aware of his. Nearly two decades before, in the restaurant in North Beach, I had been the voyeur, watching Peter McConnell during his Monday lunches. How far did this network of spying eyes extend? We were all the watchers and the watched. Privacy was just a comforting illusion.
As I stood staring out the window, lost in thought, I glanced up and saw Ben"s reflection in the gla.s.s. He stood completely still, hands in his pockets. Some moments are almost too perfect, their symmetry too precise. I recognized this as one of those moments: as I was looking out at San Francisco, Ben was looking at me. Our eyes met in the gla.s.s.
"Funny," he said. "When someone walks in the house for the first time, it never takes more than five seconds for them to gravitate to that exact spot."
"Great view."
"It is. Now if only the city would invest in a gigantic fog blower so it could look this good all the time."
BEN HAD INSISTED ON POURING ME A GLa.s.s OF 2002 Malbec from a friend"s winery in Patagonia. We sat at the breakfast table off the kitchen, eating chicken and mashed potatoes, which he had split onto two plates, and sipping our wine. I hardly knew him and yet I liked him already. I appreciated the casual way he received me into his home, the immediate intimacy he invited by joking with me as if I was an old friend. I could tell he was a person who lived at ease in the world, a talent I"d always envied. I would have preferred to live that way myself, and was often embarra.s.sed by my own formality, a slight but unnerving social stiffness that I could never quite get past.
I sipped my wine. "How is it?" he asked.
"It"s good."
"A bit fruity for my taste, but not bad," he said. "The chicken on the other hand is excellent. Do you cook?"
"A bit. What about you?"
"I know a few tricks."
The phone rang and he went into the living room to answer it. The breakfast nook opened onto a small den, which was outfitted with a television, comfortable chairs, and a karaoke machine. A couple of Emmys stood atop the TV, which was on, tuned silently to the TiVo menu. I took the opportunity of Ben"s absence to look at what he"d recorded: Top Chef, Project Runway, Storytellers with Elvis Costello, Waterland, and The Last Waltz, Martin Scorsese"s cla.s.sic doc.u.mentary about The Band.
I was still craning my neck to see the TiVo screen when Ben returned. "You"re busted." He picked up the remote from the couch and turned off the TV. "So, you"re here about Billy Boudreaux?"
I told him about Lila, and about Boudreaux"s white Chevy parked out at Armstrong Woods. I reached into my purse and pulled out a copy of the article from Rolling Stone, which I"d dug up at the library. I handed the article to Ben.
"Ah, yes, I remember this," he said. "Billy was living in the Lower Haight in those days. We met at a bar in his neighborhood. This was "83 or "84, but he was still living like it was the good old days"-Ben ended his sentence with a line from a song-"all strung out on heroin on the outskirts of town." His singing voice was clear and deep. Maybe all that karaoke paid off. "Know that one?" he asked.
It felt like it was a test. I was glad I knew the answer. "Warren Zevon. "Carmelita.""
"Not bad." He dropped the article on the table. "I asked Billy, off the record, what the h.e.l.l he was doing. He was an amazing ba.s.s player, and he was throwing it all away. He told me he was going to clean up his act, and I remember exactly what I said to him-"I hope you do, but the odds are against you." By then I"d covered the deaths of Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Elvis for Rolling Stone. I could see where he was headed."
"At the end of the interview," I said, "the two of you agree to meet up exactly one year later at the Top of the Mark. He says he"ll be a different man by then. He even promises to buy you a drink. Did that ever happen?"
Ben shook his head. "I waited forty-five minutes and he never showed. There I was at four o"clock on a Wednesday afternoon, drinking Scotch alone at the Top of the Mark. It was just me and a bunch of rowdy guys from a bachelor party. I figured Billy was either dead or strung out in some motel in the Tenderloin."
"And that was it? You never saw him again?"
Ben thought for a moment. One thing I"d noticed in talking to him was that there were no false starts in his speech, no ums or ahs or other verbal tics. His words and sentences came out precisely, as if they"d been planned. It must have been his radio training.
"I did run into him once, in the rhythm and blues section of Amoeba Records. He was dressed strangely, in overalls and boots. He shook my hand, apologized profusely for standing me up that day at Top of the Mark, and offered to buy me a drink. We walked over to Zam Zam and sipped martinis in the back room.
"That was in the days when the bartender refused to serve anything other than martinis. Billy made the mistake of ordering a bourbon and c.o.ke, he got into a huff with the bartender, and we almost got kicked out of the place. He eventually settled on a martini, and then he proceeded to tell me the story of his past few years. He"d hit rock bottom in the late eighties, and by ninety, having had a brush with mortality, as he put it, he finally decided to get sober and pull his act together. He moved back to Petaluma to work on his brother"s dairy farm-apparently he"d lived there off and on over the years. That"s what he was doing when I ran into him. He had come into the city to see old friends, but the reunion hadn"t gone well, and he was on his way back to the farm that afternoon. As much as he loved the city, he felt that it was a dangerous place for him, too many of his old habits lurking in the doorways, I guess.
"I was happy to see him sober, but I got the feeling he was still fragile, like his mind could crack at any moment and send him spiraling back into the abyss. In the conversation he kept referring to his demons. It was freaking me out a little bit."
"What was he like as a musician?"
Ben thought for a moment. "He never quite got there, but he could have been a great one. When I saw him, he hadn"t entirely given up on the music. I was in a hurry, due down at KSAN to interview Sheryl Crow, but he insisted that I follow him out to his car several blocks away so that he could give me a tape. It was something he"d recorded in his brother"s bas.e.m.e.nt, four new songs he"d written. I can"t tell you how many people have given me tapes over the years-in San Francisco, half the young guys you run into on the street have a band and a tape. But this was one I actually wanted to hear, because I knew what Boudreaux had been capable of."
"How was it?"
"Pretty good. Nothing like the stuff with Potrero Sound Station, but there was definitely something to it. I might still have it lying around somewhere."
I followed him downstairs, where the hallway was covered with black-and-white wedding photos-Ben in a mustache and s.h.a.ggy seventies hair, his wife, Dianne, looking like an inspired emblem of the times with her pixie haircut and flowy white dress.