OFF AND ON.
Certinaly Madge had not said too much, and the scene was like witchery.
The sun was down, but the moon was up, near full, and giving a white illumination to the white world. The snow had fallen thick, and neither sun nor wind had as yet made any impression upon it; the covering of the road was thick and well beaten, and on every exposed level surface lay the white treasure piled up. Every twig and branch of the trees still held its burden; every roof was blanketed; there had been no time yet for smoke and soil to come upon the pure surfaces; and on all this fell the pale moon rays, casting pale shadows and making the world somehow look like something better than itself. The horses Mr. Dillwyn drove were fresh enough yet, and stepped off gaily, their bells clinking musically; and other bells pa.s.sed them and sounded in the nearer and further distance. Moreover, under this illumination all less agreeable features of the landscape were covered up. It was a pure region of enchanted beauty to Lois"s sense, through which they drove; and she felt as if a spell had come upon her too, and this bit of experience were no more real than the rest of it. It was exquisitely and intensely pleasant; a bit of life quite apart and by itself, and never to be repeated, therefore to be enjoyed all she could while she had it. Which thought was not enjoyment. Was she not foolish to have come?
"Are you comfortable?" suddenly Mr. Dillwyn"s voice came in upon these musings.
"O, perfectly!" Lois answered, with an accentuation between delight and desperation.
And then he was silent again; and she went on with her musings, just that word having given them a spur. How exquisite the scene was! how exquisite everything, in fact. All the uncomelinesses of a city suburb were veiled under the moonlight; nothing but beauty could be seen; here were points that caught the light, and there were shadows that simply served to set off the silvery whiteness of the moon and the snow; what it was that made those points of reflection, or what lay beneath those soft shadows, did not appear. The road was beaten smooth, the going was capital, the horses trotted swiftly and steadily, Lois was wrapped in soft furs, and the air which she was breathing was merely cold enough to exhilarate. It was perfection. In truth it was so perfect, and Lois enjoyed it so keenly, that she began to be vexed at herself for her enjoyment. Why should Mr. Dillwyn have got her out? all this luxury of sense and feeling was not good for her; did not belong to her; and why should she taste at all a delight which must be so fleeting? And what had possessed him to tie her hood strings for her, and to do it in that leisurely way, as if he liked it? And why did _she_ like it? Lois scolded and chid herself. If he were going to marry Madge ever so much, that gave him no right to take such a liberty; and she would not allow him such liberties; she would keep him at a distance. But was she not going to a distance herself? There would be no need.
The moonlight was troubled, though by no cloud on the ethereal firmament; and Lois was not quite so conscious as she had been of the beauty around her. The silence lasted a good while; she wondered if her neighbour"s thoughts were busy with the lady he had just set down, to such a degree that he forgot to attend to his new companion? Nothing could be more wide of the truth; but that is the way we judge and misjudge one another. She was almost hurt at his silence, before he spoke again. The fact is, that the general axiom that a man can always put in words anything of which his head and heart are both full, seems to have one exception. Mr. Dillwyn was a good talker, always, on matters he cared about, and matters he did not care about; and yet now, when he had secured, one would say, the most favourable circ.u.mstances for a hearing, and opportunity to speak as he liked, he did not know how to speak. By and by his hand came again round Lois to see that the fur robes were well tucked in about her. Something in the action made her impatient.
"I am very well," she said.
"You must be taken care of, you know," he said; to Lois"s fancy he said it as if there were some one to whom he must be responsible for her.
"I am not used to being taken care of," she said. "I have taken care of myself, generally."
"Like it better?"
"I don"t know. I suppose really no woman can say she likes it better.
But I am accustomed to it."
"Don"t you think I could take care of you?"
"You _are_ taking capital care of me," said Lois, not knowing exactly how to understand him. "Just now it is your business; and I should say you were doing it well."
"What would you say if I told you that I wanted to take care of you all your life?"
He had let the horses come to a walk; the sleigh-bells only tinkled softly; no other bells were near. Which way they had gone Lois had not considered; but evidently it had not been towards the busy and noisy haunts of men. However, she did not think of this till a few minutes afterwards; she thought now that Mr. Dillwyn"s words regarded Madge"s sister, and her feeling of independence became rigid.
"A kind wish,--but impracticable," she answered.
"Why?"
"I shall be too far off. That is one thing."
"Where are you going to be?--Forgive me for asking!"
"O yes. I shall be keeping school in New England somewhere, I suppose; first of all, at Esterbrooke."
"But if I had the care of you--you would not be there?"
"That is my place," said Lois shortly.
"Do you mean it is the place you prefer?"
"There is no question of preference. You know, one"s work is what is given one; and the thing given me to do, at present, seems to be there.
Of course I do prefer what my work is."
Still the horses were smoothly walking. Mr. Dillwyri was silent a moment.
"You did not understand what I said to you just now. It was earnest."
"I did not think it was anything else," said Lois, beginning to wish herself at home. "I am sure you meant it, and I know you are very good; but--you cannot take care of me."
"Give me your reasons," he said, restraining the horses, which would have set off upon a quicker pace again.
"Why, Mr. Dillwyn, it is self-evident. You would not respect me if I allowed you to do it; and I should not respect myself. We New England folks, if we are nothing else, we are independent."
"So?--" said Mr. Dillwyn, in a puzzled manner, but then a light broke upon him, and he half laughed.--"I never heard that the most rampant spirit of independence made a wife object to being dependent on her husband."
"A wife?" said Lois, not knowing whether she heard aright.
"Yes," said he. "How else? How could it be else? Lois, may I have you, to take care of the rest of my life, as my very own?"
The short, smothered breath with which this was spoken was intelligible enough, and put Lois in the rarest confusion.
"Me?--" was all she could e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e.
"You, certainly. I never saw any other woman in my life to whom I wished to put the question. You are the whole world to me, as far as happiness is concerned."
"I?--" said Lois again. "I thought--"
"What?"
She hesitated, and he urged the question. Lois was not enough mistress of herself to choose her words.
"I thought--it was somebody else."
"Did you?--Who did you think it was?"
"O, don"t ask me!"
"But I think I must ask you. It concerns me to know how, and towards whom, my manner can have misled you. Who was it?"
"It was not--your manner--exactly," said Lois, in terrible embarra.s.sment. "I was mistaken."
"How could you be mistaken?"
"I never dreamed--the thought never entered my head--that--it was I."
"I must have been in fault then," said he gently; "I did not want to wear my heart on my sleeve, and so perhaps I guarded myself too well. I did not wish to know anybody else"s opinion of my suit till I had heard yours. What is yours, Lois?--what have you to say to me?"
He checked the horses again, and sat with his face inclined towards her, waiting eagerly, Lois knew. And then, what a sharp pain shot through her! All that had gone before was nothing to this; and for a moment the girl"s whole nature writhed under the torture. She knew her own mind now; she was fully conscious that the best gift of earth was within her grasp; her hands were stretched longingly towards it, her whole heart bounded towards it; to let it go was to fall into an abyss from which light and hope seemed banished; there was everything in all the world to bid her give the answer that was waited for; only duty bade her not give it. Loyalty to G.o.d said no, and her promise bound her tongue. For that minute that she was silent Lois wrestled with mortal pain. There are martyrs and martyrdoms now-a-days, that the world takes no account of; nevertheless they have bled to death for the cause, and have been true to their King at the cost of all they had in the world.
Mr. Dillwyn was waiting, and the fight had to be short, though well she knew the pain would not be. She must speak. She did it huskily, and with a fierce effort. It seemed as if the words would not come out.