I was silent for a moment. Then I confessed.
"Julian," I said, "I can"t write to her. You need neither say that I"m a blackguard nor that you"re sorry for us both. At this present moment I"ve no more affection for Margaret than I have for this chair. When precisely I left off caring for her I don"t know. Why I ever thought I loved her I don"t know, either. But ever since I came to London all the love I did have for her has been ebbing away every day."
"Had you met many people before you met her?" asked Julian slowly.
"No one that counted. Not a woman that counted, that"s to say. I am shy with women. I can talk to them in a sort of way, but I never seem able to get intimate. Margaret was different. She saved my life, and we spent the summer in Guernsey together."
"And you seriously expected not to fall in love?" Julian laughed "My dear Jimmy, you ought to write a psychological novel."
"Possibly. But, in the meantime, what am I to do?"
Julian stood up.
"She"s in love with you, I suppose?"
"Yes."
He stood looking at me.
"Well, can"t you speak?" I said.
He turned away, shrugging his shoulders. "One"s got one"s own right and one"s own wrong," he grumbled, lighting his pipe.
"I know what you"re thinking," I said.
He would not look at me.
"You"re thinking," I went on, "what a cad I am not to have written that letter." I sat down resting my head on my hands. After all--love and liberty--they"re both very sweet.
"I"m thinking," said Julian, watching the smoke from his pipe abstractedly, "that you will probably write tonight; and I think I know how you"re feeling."
"Julian," I said, "must it be tonight? Why? The letter shall go. But must it be tonight?"
Julian hesitated.
"No," he said; "but you"ve made up your mind, so why put off the inevitable?"
"I can"t," I exclaimed; "oh, I really can"t. I must have my freedom a little longer."
"You must give it up some day. It"ll be all the harder when you"ve got to face it."
"I don"t mind that. A little more freedom, just a little; and then I"ll tell her to come to me."
He smoked in silence.
"Surely," I said, "this little more freedom that I ask is a small thing compared with the sacrifice I have promised to make?"
"You won"t let her know it"s a sacrifice?"
"Of course not. She shall think that I love her as I used to."
"Yes, you ought to do that," he said softly. "Poor devil," he added.
"Am I too selfish?" I asked.
He got up to go. "No," he said. "To my mind, you"re ent.i.tled to a breathing s.p.a.ce before you give up all that you love best. But there"s a risk."
"Of what?"
"Of her finding out by some other means than yourself and before your letter comes, that the letter should have been written earlier. Do you sign all your stuff with your own name?"
"Yes."
"Well, then, she"s bound to see how you"re getting on. She"ll see your name in the magazines, in newspapers and in books. She"ll know you don"t write for nothing, and she"ll make calculations."
I was staggered.
"You mean--?" I said.
"Why, it will occur to her before long that your statement of your income doesn"t square with the rest of the evidence; and she"ll wonder why you pose as a pauper when you"re really raking in the money with both hands. She"ll think it over, and then she"ll see it all."
"I see," I said, dully. "Well, you"ve taken my last holiday from me.
I"ll write to her tonight, telling her the truth."
"I shouldn"t, necessarily. Wait a week or two. You may quite possibly hit on some way out of the difficulty. I"m bound to say, though, I can"t see one myself at the moment."
"Nor can I," I said.
Chapter 10
TOM BLAKE AGAIN _(James Orlebar Cloyster"s narrative continued)_
Hatton"s Club boys took kindly to my course of instruction. For a couple of months, indeed, it seemed that another golden age of the n.o.ble art was approaching, and that the rejuvenation of boxing would occur, beginning at Carnation Hall, Lambeth.
Then the thing collapsed like a punctured tyre.
At first, of course, they fought a little shy. But when I had them up in line, and had shown them what a large proportion of an eight-ounce glove is padding, they grew more at ease. To be asked suddenly to fight three rounds with one of your friends before an audience, also of your friends, is embarra.s.sing. One feels hot and uncomfortable. Hatton"s boys jibbed nervously. As a preliminary measure, therefore, I drilled them in a cla.s.s at foot-work and the left lead. They found the exercise exhilarating. If this was the idea, they seemed to say, let the thing go on. Then I showed them how to be highly scientific with a punch ball. Finally, I sparred lightly with them myself.
In the rough they were impossible boxers. After their initial distrust had evaporated under my gentle handling of them, they forgot all I had taught them about position and guards. They bored in, heads down and arms going like semicircular pistons. Once or twice I had to stop them.
They were easily steadied. They hastened to adopt a certain snakiness of attack instead of the frontal method which had left them so exposed.
They began to cultivate a kind of negative style. They were tremendously impressed by the superiority of science over strength.
I am not sure that I did not harp rather too much on the scientific note. Perhaps if I had referred to it less, the ultimate disaster would not have been quite so appalling. On the other hand, I had not the slightest suspicion that they would so exaggerate my meaning when I was remarking on the worth of science, how it "tells," and how it causes the meagre stripling to play fast and loose with huge, brawny ruffians--no cowards, mark you--and hairy as to their chests.
But the weeds at Hatton"s Club were fascinated by my homilies on science. The simplicity of the thing appealed to them irresistibly.