As he talked, there fluttered to the ground from the heap before him an old restaurant bill, and, stooping, he picked it up and held it in his hand, musing.
"Have you ever noticed how the scent of the champagne and the candles seems to cling to these things?" he said lightly, sniffing carelessly at it. "I wonder what"s become of her?"
"I think I wouldn"t think about her at all to-night," I answered.
He loosened his hand, letting the paper fall into the fire.
"My G.o.d!" he cried vehemently, "when I think of all the wrong I have done--the irreparable, ever-widening ruin I have perhaps brought into the world--O G.o.d! spare me a long life that I may make amends. Every hour, every minute of it shall be devoted to your service."
As he stood there, with his eager boyish eyes upraised, a light seemed to fall upon his face and illumine it. I had pushed the photograph back to him, and it lay upon the table before him. He knelt and pressed his lips to it.
"With your help, my darling, and His," he murmured.
The next morning he was married. She was a well-meaning girl, though her piety, as is the case with most people, was of the negative order; and her antipathy to things evil much stronger than her sympathy with things good. For a longer time than I had expected she kept him straight--perhaps a little too straight. But at last there came the inevitable relapse.
I called upon him, in answer to an excited message, and found him in the depths of despair. It was the old story, human weakness, combined with lamentable lack of the most ordinary precautions against being found out.
He gave me details, interspersed with exuberant denunciations of himself, and I undertook the delicate task of peace-maker.
It was a weary work, but eventually she consented to forgive him. His joy, when I told him, was boundless.
"How good women are," he said, while the tears came into his eyes. "But she shall not repent it. Please G.o.d, from this day forth, I"ll--"
He stopped, and for the first time in his life the doubt of himself crossed his mind. As I sat watching him, the joy died out of his face, and the first hint of age pa.s.sed over it.
"I seem to have been "tidying up and starting afresh" all my life," he said wearily; "I"m beginning to see where the untidiness lies, and the only way to get rid of it."
I did not understand the meaning of his words at the time, but learnt it later on.
He strove, according to his strength, and fell. But by a miracle his transgression was not discovered. The facts came to light long afterwards, but at the time there were only two who knew.
It was his last failure. Late one evening I received a hurriedly-scrawled note from his wife, begging me to come round.
"A terrible thing has happened," it ran; "Charley went up to his study after dinner, saying he had some "tidying up," as he calls it, to do, and did not wish to be disturbed. In clearing out his desk he must have handled carelessly the revolver that he always keeps there, not remembering, I suppose, that it was loaded. We heard a report, and on rushing into the room found him lying dead on the floor. The bullet had pa.s.sed right through his heart."
Hardly the type of man for a hero! And yet I do not know. Perhaps he fought harder than many a man who conquers. In the world"s courts, we are compelled to judge on circ.u.mstantial evidence only, and the chief witness, the man"s soul, cannot very well be called.
I remember the subject of bravery being discussed one evening at a dinner party, when a German gentleman present related an anecdote, the hero of which was a young Prussian officer.
"I cannot give you his name," our German friend explained--"the man himself told me the story in confidence; and though he personally, by virtue of his after record, could afford to have it known, there are other reasons why it should not be bruited about.
"How I learnt it was in this way. For a dashing exploit performed during the brief war against Austria he had been presented with the Iron Cross.
This, as you are well aware, is the most highly-prized decoration in our army; men who have earned it are usually conceited about it, and, indeed, have some excuse for being so. He, on the contrary, kept his locked in a drawer of his desk, and never wore it except when compelled by official etiquette. The mere sight of it seemed to be painful to him. One day I asked him the reason. We are very old and close friends, and he told me.
"The incident occurred when he was a young lieutenant. Indeed, it was his first engagement. By some means or another he had become separated from his company, and, unable to regain it, had attached himself to a line regiment stationed at the extreme right of the Prussian lines.
"The enemy"s effort was mainly directed against the left centre, and for a while our young lieutenant was nothing more than a distant spectator of the battle. Suddenly, however, the attack shifted, and the regiment found itself occupying an extremely important and critical position. The sh.e.l.ls began to fall unpleasantly near, and the order was given to "gra.s.s."
"The men fell upon their faces and waited. The sh.e.l.ls ploughed the ground around them, smothering them with dirt. A horrible, griping pain started in my young friend"s stomach, and began creeping upwards. His head and heart both seemed to be shrinking and growing cold. A shot tore off the head of the man next to him, sending the blood spurting into his face; a minute later another ripped open the back of a poor fellow lying to the front of him.
"His body seemed not to belong to himself at all. A strange, shrivelled creature had taken possession of it. He raised his head and peered about him. He and three soldiers--youngsters, like himself, who had never before been under fire--appeared to be utterly alone in that h.e.l.l. They were the end men of the regiment, and the configuration of the ground completely hid them from their comrades.
"They glanced at each other, these four, and read one another"s thoughts.
Leaving their rifles lying on the gra.s.s, they commenced to crawl stealthily upon their bellies, the lieutenant leading, the other three following.
"Some few hundred yards in front of them rose a small, steep hill. If they could reach this it would shut them out of sight. They hastened on, pausing every thirty yards or so to lie still and pant for breath, then hurrying on again, quicker than before, tearing their flesh against the broken ground.
"At last they reached the base of the slope, and slinking a little way round it, raised their heads and looked back. Where they were it was impossible for them to be seen from the Prussian lines.
"They sprang to their feet and broke into a wild race. A dozen steps further they came face to face with an Austrian field battery.
"The demon that had taken possession of them had been growing stronger the further they had fled. They were not men, they were animals mad with fear. Driven by the same frenzy that prompted other panic-stricken creatures to once rush down a steep place into the sea, these four men, with a yell, flung themselves, sword in hand, upon the whole battery; and the whole battery, bewildered by the suddenness and unexpectedness of the attack, thinking the entire battalion was upon them, gave way, and rushed pell-mell down the hill.
"With the sight of those flying Austrians the fear, as independently as it had come to him, left him, and he felt only a desire to hack and kill.
The four Prussians flew after them, cutting and stabbing at them as they ran; and when the Prussian cavalry came thundering up, they found my young lieutenant and his three friends had captured two guns and accounted for half a score of the enemy.
"Next day, he was summoned to headquarters.
""Will you be good enough to remember for the future, sir," said the Chief of the Staff, "that His Majesty does not require his lieutenants to execute manoeuvres on their own responsibility, and also that to attack a battery with three men is not war, but d.a.m.ned tomfoolery. You ought to be court-martialled, sir!"
"Then, in somewhat different tones, the old soldier added, his face softening into a smile: "However, alertness and daring, my young friend, are good qualities, especially when crowned with success. If the Austrians had once succeeded in planting a battery on that hill it might have been difficult to dislodge them. Perhaps, under the circ.u.mstances, His Majesty may overlook your indiscretion."
""His Majesty not only overlooked it, but bestowed upon me the Iron Cross," concluded my friend. "For the credit of the army, I judged it better to keep quiet and take it. But, as you can understand, the sight of it does not recall very pleasurable reflections.""
To return to my diary, I see that on November 14th we held another meeting. But at this there were present only "Jephson, MacShaughna.s.sy, and Self"; and of Brown"s name I find henceforth no further trace. On Christmas eve we three met again, and my notes inform me that MacShaughna.s.sy brewed some whiskey-punch, according to a recipe of his own, a record suggestive of a sad Christmas for all three of us. No particular business appears to have been accomplished on either occasion.
Then there is a break until February 8th, and the a.s.semblage has shrunk to "Jephson and Self." With a final flicker, as of a dying candle, my diary at this point, however, grows luminous, shedding much light upon that evening"s conversation.
Our talk seems to have been of many things--of most things, in fact, except our novel. Among other subjects we spoke of literature generally.
"I am tired of this eternal cackle about books," said Jephson; "these columns of criticism to every line of writing; these endless books about books; these shrill praises and shrill denunciations; this silly worship of novelist Tom; this silly hate of poet d.i.c.k; this silly squabbling over playwright Harry. There is no soberness, no sense in it all. One would think, to listen to the High Priests of Culture, that man was made for literature, not literature for man. Thought existed before the Printing Press; and the men who wrote the best hundred books never read them.
Books have their place in the world, but they are not its purpose. They are things side by side with beef and mutton, the scent of the sea, the touch of a hand, the memory of a hope, and all the other items in the sum- total of our three-score years and ten. Yet we speak of them as though they were the voice of Life instead of merely its faint echo. Tales are delightful _as_ tales--sweet as primroses after the long winter, restful as the cawing of rooks at sunset. But we do not write "tales" now; we prepare "human doc.u.ments" and dissect souls."
He broke off abruptly in the midst of his tirade. "Do you know what these "psychological studies," that are so fashionable just now, always make me think of?" he said. "One monkey examining another monkey for fleas.
"And what, after all, does our dissecting pen lay bare?" he continued.
"Human nature? or merely some more or less unsavoury undergarment, disguising and disfiguring human nature? There is a story told of an elderly tramp, who, overtaken by misfortune, was compelled to retire for a while to the seclusion of Portland. His hosts, desiring to see as much as possible of their guest during his limited stay with them, proceeded to bath him. They bathed him twice a day for a week, each time learning more of him; until at last they reached a flannel shirt. And with that they had to be content, soap and water proving powerless to go further.
"That tramp appears to me symbolical of mankind. Human Nature has worn its conventions for so long that its habit has grown on to it. In this nineteenth century it is impossible to say where the clothes of custom end and the natural man begins. Our virtues are taught to us as a branch of "Deportment"; our vices are the recognised vices of our reign and set.
Our religion hangs ready-made beside our cradle to be b.u.t.toned upon us by loving hands. Our tastes we acquire, with difficulty; our sentiments we learn by rote. At cost of infinite suffering, we study to love whiskey and cigars, high art and cla.s.sical music. In one age we admire Byron and drink sweet champagne: twenty years later it is more fashionable to prefer Sh.e.l.ley, and we like our champagne dry. At school we are told that Shakespeare is a great poet, and that the Venus di Medici is a fine piece of sculpture; and so for the rest of our lives we go about saying what a great poet we think Shakespeare, and that there is no piece of sculpture, in our opinion, so fine as the Venus di Medici. If we are Frenchmen we adore our mother; if Englishmen we love dogs and virtue. We grieve for the death of a near relative twelve months; but for a second cousin we sorrow only three. The good man has his regulation excellencies to strive after, his regulation sins to repent of. I knew a good man who was quite troubled because he was not proud, and could not, therefore, with any reasonableness, pray for humility. In society one must needs be cynical and mildly wicked: in Bohemia, orthodoxly unorthodox. I remember my mother expostulating with a friend, an actress, who had left a devoted husband and eloped with a disagreeable, ugly, little low comedian (I am speaking of long, long ago).
""You must be mad," said my mother; "what on earth induced you to take such a step?"
""My dear Emma," replied the lady; "what else was there for me? You know I can"t act. I had to do _something_ to show I was "an artiste!"
"We are dressed-up marionettes. Our voice is the voice of the unseen showman, Convention; our very movements of pa.s.sion and pain are but in answer to his jerk. A man resembles one of those gigantic bundles that one sees in nursemaids" arms. It is very bulky and very long; it looks a ma.s.s of delicate lace and rich fur and fine woven stuffs; and somewhere, hidden out of sight among the finery, there is a tiny red bit of bewildered humanity, with no voice but a foolish cry.