Double chapters coming up for Ranie. Thank you to Pink and lollee for their reviews in Novel Updates. Chapter 30 will be updated tomorrow
Some more angst coming up
How does all this break up impact Ye Zhengchen?
Chapter 29 – Falling helplessly
As I waited for his answer, I forgot… I forgot to breathe, I forgot to blink , I think even my heart may have forgotten to beat.
I was afraid that he would nod, say yes
"What kind of a man do you think I am? I don"t even like her, why would I touch her?" Ye Zhengchen denied vehemently
My heart relaxed a little bit. When I was thinking of the relationship between Ye Zhengchen and Yu Yin, I felt as if my heart was gripped in a vice.
I asked him again and again
"Is that true? Not even when you were drunk? Not even one instance where you were unable to control your impulses, or…"
Without any hesitation, he interrupted me, "No, never!"
If he hadn"t betrayed me in mind or body, I could find no reason to blame him. Ofcourse, I couldn"t ignore the fact that he had concealed the whole thing from me.
I had a feeling there was something more to it than the very reasonable explanation that Ye Zhengchen was providing. His explanation was too reasonable. If this were true, there was actually no reason to hide , no reason to worry and no reason why Yu Yin should threaten him with disclosure.
I thought this through carefully. If a man did not love a woman, but the woman still wanted to maintain a relationship with him, there must be something between them. Suddenly, something popped up in my mind.
"Are you engaged?"
I carefully looked at his face for a reaction, trying to catch the flicker that would tell me he was lying
He was silent with his head down, to avoid looking directly in my eyes.
I had my answer. Suddenly I felt a chill sweep through me. Even my breath was frozen
A man was forced by his family to get engaged to a woman he did not love.
On the other side, he struggled with his emotions for the person he did love. Finally, he gave into his emotions and betrayed his vow.
I still could not find any reason to blame him.
After all, a man committed some mistakes because he loved you. He did certain things he should not have. I could understand that. What I could not understand was why Yu Yin kept he silence for so long. I could not understand why she smiled at me.
Anyway, if I were in her shoes, I would have probably chosen to let go.
With things standing the way they were, I just pulled the quilt closer to me.
My heart was full of sorrow and grief.
" Go away."
He looked up.
"You can"t forgive me even now?"
" I don"t blame you", I gave him a smile, although it was strained and ugly, " You should ask for her forgiveness, not mine.."
" Girl.."
Seeing him reach out to me, I immediately shrunk back, clearly rejecting him
"But I cannot continue being with you. No matter how much I love you, I cannot carry on with a man who is already engaged. I"m sorry."
I have always hated the j.a.panese habit of saying sorry when they didn"t mean it , but I had unconsciously picked up the habit.
This word, " sorry" was such a tragic yet ridiculous word.
Anxiously, he pleaded with me , " Just give me some time and I will sort this matter out.."
How long? Three years?
Waiting three years for a man who is already engaged, was it really worth it?
I looked at the man sitting in front of me. Ofcourse it wasn"t worth it…
Perhaps…
I ran into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, forcing myself to keep calm.
My eyes moved to the right side of the basin where his stuff was neatly lined up.
Seeing them, the tears started running again and I splashed more water on my face.
I could see him in the mirror. He was standing behind me. He seemed to have a lot of things to say, but he was unable to speak.
" Just scram!" I picked up his stuff with both of my hands, turned around and threw them at him.
" Just take your stuff and leave!"
He stood motionless, the things fell on the floor , hitting it with dull thuds one after another.
" I don"t want to see you again", I said.
" You never loved me.." Ye Zhengchen stated, his voice flat and emotionless, as if coming over a long distance.
He left, gently locking the door behind him
I was back to being lonely. My heart beat erratically in my chest
The faucet was still turned on, the water overflowing from the sink to the floor.
I leaned against the wall. Slowly, I squatted on the ground, and picked up the toothbrush the towels, the broken gla.s.s and threw then in the trash.
I really hoped that that the water could calm me down and soothe my heart so that I would never think of him again..
From that day, I did not see Ye Zhengchen again.
He seemed to have quietly disappeared from my life, just like he had never appeared.
I continued to go to cla.s.s, study the files and culture my bacteria.
I did not even count the holidays any more, did not think about the past or the future, just concentrated on my research and put my heart and soul in culturing my bacteria.
I concentrated on reading the notes that Ye Zhengchen had written for me. Countless times, I read every comment, every word and every phrase. Even the exclamation mark that he wrote became my sole point of focus.
After a few days, I made sleeping arrangements in the laboratory. Every three years, I would wear protective clothing to o and observe my bacteria.
One morning, an a.s.sociate professor came to the laboratory and was startled by the sleeping arrangements.
I told him I was really concerned about the bacteria I was working on. The a.s.sociate professor changed his att.i.tude towards me. He was much more cordial and even told me hypocritically that I should pay some attention to taking rest as well.
I answered him with equal hypocrisy, "Thank you !"
After staying in j.a.pan for a long time, I was becoming more and more hypocritical.
I smiled and chatted with my friends as usual. I even took Ling Ling shopping. Everyone else thought I was doing well. But in reality, every time I lay under the quilt, I would think of Ye Zhengchen, of how I would use his shoulder as my pillow.
In the dark night, I would sleeplessly stare at the tally marks on the wall and stroke them slowly with my finger.
Sometimes, I would hear our song floating in from next door.
One day, I cooked a full pot of needles. I wanted to send him some, till good judgement stopped me .
I called Qin Xue but she said she had already eaten. I called Ling Ling, but she was busy in the laboratory.
So I had to eat it all alone
By the time Ling Ling came to my home, I had just finished eating. With my red eyes, I smiled at her.
She sighed deeply
I said, "I"m fine!"
"Did you and Ye Zhengchen have a fight?"
I kept shaking my head, "It"s not a fight. We broke up."
She wasn"t surprised. She just smiled.
"You broke up?"
" Ling Ling..", I looked at her seriously.
" If you love someone, and he suddenly turns out to be engaged, what can you do?"
Ling Ling was no longer smiling. She walked to the balcony and looked at the cherry forest. The cherry blossoms had long since withered, but the forest was lush green.
"I…"
Even when she mentioned that person, her eyes reflected an immense sadness. I realised she loved that person deeply.
"As long as he doesn"t let go, I will continue to wait for him, as long as I can…"
Her voice went an octave lower, " Some people, you just cant let them go, you can"t fall in love with anyone else…"
She continued, " When you truly love a person, why give him to another woman? They are just engaged, not married!"
…… …
Ling Ling left. I stood on the balcony staring at the cherry forest to pa.s.s another sleepless night.
Some people. If you fell in love with them, you could never fall in love with anyone else…
Never…
Compared to a whole life, three years really wasn"t that long.
The next day, early in the morning, as I finished the washing up and was preparing to drag myself to school, Brother Feng came knocking at my door.
He asked me if I had seen Ye Zhengchen.
"I haven"t seen him over the last twenty days", I said.
He told me that last night they had all been chatting in the canteen and realised that no one had seen him in a long time. Not even the medical department in Kobayashi had seen him
Brother Feng had even tried to call him on his phone, but his phone had been switched off.
Suddenly I remembered the occasional song floating in from next door…
The sky was gloomy with grey clouds. The corridor seemed to looming farther and farther away from me…
The next second, without even putting my shoes on, I ran down the corridor to Ye Zhengchen"s flat. I kept on pressing the doorbell, then started banging the door.
" Where are you? Open the door!"
There was no answer, not even a peep inside.
I started to bang the door again crazily.
" Ye Zhengchen, I know you are inside. Open the door!"
Still, he didn"t answer.
The blood in my body turned ice cold. I pulled at the door handle, my voice turning frantic.
" Please don"t scare me. Please open the door quickly…"
Brother Feng dragged me aside and kicked the door while he roared, " Ye Zhengchen, open the door…"
Inside the flat, it was deathly quiet.
I was so scared, I was back to the time when I felt like I was standing with my back at the edge of the cliff. One wrong step, and I would fall to pieces.
" Wait, I will get the keys from the office downstairs."
I nodded blindly. I hadn"t even heard what he said.
Brother Feng ran downstairs. I could not wait for even a second. I wanted to know now , I could not wait…
I stumbled back into my room. I took the chair to the balcony and then stepped on the chair to jump over the two meter high baffle separating our balconies.
I didn"t know how I made the jump. I just felt like a huge force pushed me and I was suddenly in the air.
I waited till I cleared the part.i.tion and then dropped to the balcony on the other side.
A burst of dizziness swept over me
Ye Zhengchen"s room had the light green curtains drawn over the window and I couldn"t see a thing inside. I rushed inside through the windows.
…… …
The Ye Zhengchen I knew was always neatly dressed and had a ready smile
I never thought that one day he would be lying on the ground like a dead man.
He had always been fastidiously neat at home but now there were beer bottles strewn all over the floor.
There was a pungent, fusty odour inside the room.
This wasn"t the Ye Zhengchen I knew. No!
He would never be so fragile!
I rushed to hold him. His body was still soft, still warm.
I shook him desperately!
" What the h.e.l.l are you doing! What do you want!"
And then I fell on him. I burst into tears. I did not want to do anything. I just wanted to cry…
Brother Feng and the apartment secretary opened the door from outside. He was a little surprised but then looked at the open window and understood.
Brother Feng carried Ye Zhengchen and started running in the direction of the hospital. He didn"t ask me anything, he didn"t check if Ye Zhengchen was alive or dead, he didn"t call the ambulance, he seemed to have no sense of panic. Maybe he was the reason Ye Zhengchen was saved.
My mind was completely blank. I had also forgotten to call the ambulance .I ran behind Brother Feng.