Observations by Mr. Dooley.
by Finley Peter Dunne.
A Little Essay on Books
"Hogan tells me that wan iv th" first things man done afther he"d larned to kill his neighborin" animals, an" make a meal iv wan part iv thim an" a vest iv another, was to begin to mannyfacther lithrachoor, an" it"s been goin" on up to th" prisint day. Thim was times that th" Lord niver heerd about, but is as well known to manny a la-ad in th" univarsity iv southren Injyanny as if th"
histhry iv thim was printed on a poster. Hogan says a pro-fissor with a shovel an" a bad bringin"-up can go out annywhere along th"
dhrainage-ca.n.a.l an" prove to ye that th" Bible is no more thin an exthry avenin" edition iv th" histhry iv th" wurruld, an" th" Noah fam"ly was considhered new arrivals in th" neighborhood where they lived. He says he"ll show ye th" earth as though "t was a section iv a layer-cake or an archytect"s dhrawin" iv a flat-buildin", an"
p"int out how "t was acc.u.mylated.
"First "t was a mere squdge in which ne"er a livin" thing cud be found. This peryod lasted a few millyion years, an" thin th" mush caked an" become buildin"-materyal, an" threes grew out iv th"
buildin"-materyal an" fell down an" become coal. Thin th" wather come--but where it come fr"m I don"t know, f"r they was no G.o.d at th" time--an" covered th" earth, an" thin th" wather evaporated an"
left little p"ints iv land shtickin" up with ready-made men an"
women occypyin" thim, an" at that moment th" Bible begun. Ye might say we "re livin" on th" roof iv a flat, with all th" apartmints beneath us occypied be th" bones iv submarine monsthers an" other tinants.
"Lasteways that"s what Hogan tells me, but I don"t believe a wurrud he says. Most iv th" people iv this wurruld is a come-on f"r science, but I"m not. Ye can"t con-vince me, me boy, that a man who"s so near-sighted he can"t read th" sign on a cable-car knows anny more about th" formation iv th" earth thin Father Kelly. I believe th" wurruld is flat, not round; that th" sun moves an" is about th" size iv a pie-plate in th" mornin" an" a car-wheel at noon; an" it "s no proof to me that because a pro-fissor who "s peekin" through a chube all night says th" stars ar-re millyions iv miles away an" each is bigger thin this wurruld, that they "re bigger thin they look, or much higher thin th" top iv th" shot-tower.
I"ve been up tin thousand feet on a mountain, an" they seemed so near that I kept whiskin" thim off me nose as I lay there on me back, but they wasn"t anny larger thin they were on th" sthreet-level.
I believe what I see an" some iv th" things I"m told, if they "ve been told often, an" thim facts iv science has not been hung long enough to be digistible." But, annyhow, they say that man first begun writin" whin he had to hammer out his novels an" pomes on a piece iv rock, an" th" hammer has been th" imblim iv lithrachoor iver since. Thin he painted it on skins, hince th" publisher; thin he played it an" danced it an" croshayed it till "t was discovered that ink an" pa-aper wud projooce wurruds, an" thin th"
printin"-press was invinted. Gunpowdher was invinted th" same time, an" "t is a question I"ve often heerd discussed which has done more to ilivate th" human race. A joke.
Th" longer th" wurruld lasts th" more books does be comin" out.
Day be day I r-read in th" pa-apers announcemints iv new publications that look like th" dilinquent tax-list. They "s a publisher in ivry block, an" in thousan"s iv happy homes some wan is pluggin"
away at th" romantic novel or whalin" out a pome on th" type-writer up-stairs. A fam"ly without an author is as contimptible as wan without a priest. Is Malachi near-sighted, peevish, averse to th"
suds, an" can"t tell whether th" three in th" front yard is blue or green? Make an author iv him! Does Miranda prisint no atthractions to th" young men iv th" neighborhood, does her overskirt dhrag, an" is she poor with th" gas-range? Make an auth.o.r.een iv her!
Forchunitly, th" manly insthinct is often too sthrong f"r th"
designs iv th" fam"ly, an" manny a man that if his parents had had their way might have been at this moment makin" artificial feet f"r a deformed pome is l"adin" what me fri"nd Hogan calls a glad, free, an" timperymintal life on th" back iv a sthreet-car.
"But lithrachoor is th" gr-reat life-wurruk iv th" modhren woman.
Th" conthrol is pa.s.sin" into th" hands iv th" fair sect, an" th"
day will come whin th" wurrud book will mane no more to an able-bodied man thin th" wurrud gusset. Women write all th" romantic novels that ar-re anny good. That"s because ivry man thinks th" thrue hayroe is himsilf, an" ivry woman thinks he"s James K. Hackett.
A woman is sure a good, sthrong man ought to be able to kill anny number iv bad, weak men, but a man is always wondherin" what th"
other la-ad wud do. He might have th" punch left in him that wud get th" money. A woman niver cares how manny men are kilt, but a man believes in fair play, an" he"d like to see th" polis intherfere about Chapter Three.
"Women writes all th" good romantic novels, an" read thim all.
If anny proud la-ad in th" gum business thinks he riprisints th"
ideal iv his wife"s soul, he ought to take a look at th" books she reads. He"ll larn there th" reason he"s where he is, is because he was th" on"y chanst, not because he was th" first choice. "Twud humble th" haughtiest prince iv thrade to look into th" heart iv th" woman he cares most f"r an" thinks laste about, an" find that, instead iv th" photygraft iv a shrewd but kindly man with a thriflin"
absence iv hair on his head an" a burglar-proof safe on his watch-charm, there"s a pitcher iv a young la-ad in green tights playin" a mandolin to a high front stoop. On th" stoop, with a rose in her hand, is his lawful-wedded wife, th" lady Annamariar Huggins iv Peotone. Ye can"t keep her away fr"m a romantic novel.
No matther what Edward Atkinson tells ye, she prefers "Th" Age iv Chivalry" to th" mos" atthractive housewurruk. A woman"s readin"
is niver done. Hardly a day pa.s.ses but some lady frind iv mine stops me on me way to catch a car, an" asks me if I don"t regard Morse Hewlett as th" gr-reatest an" mos" homicidal writer iv our time, an" what I"ve got to say about Hinnelly"s attack on Stevenson.
"Madam," says I, "I wud n"t know Morse if I was to see him goin"
down th" sthreet ax in hand, an" as f"r Hinnelly, his name escapes me, though his language is familiar to anny wan who iver helped load a scow. Stevenson," I says, "does n"t appeal to me, an" if he shud, I"ll reva.r.s.e th" decision on th" ground iv th" bad prevyous charackter iv th" plaintiff, while," I says, "admittin" th" thruth iv what he said. But," says I, "th" on"y books in me libr"y is th" Bible an" Shakspere," says I. "They "re gr-reat f"r ye," says she. "So bully f"r th" style. D" ye read thim all th" time?" she says. "I niver read thim," says I. "I use thim f"r purposes iv definse. I have niver read thim, but I"ll niver read annything else till I have read thim," I says. "They shtand between me an"
all modhren lithrachoor," says I. "I"ve built thim up into a kind iv breakwather," I says, "an" I set behind it ca"m an" contint while Hall Caine rages without," says I.
"Yes, sir, th" readin" an" writin" iv books is as much woman"s wurruk as th" mannyfacther iv tidies. A woman is a nachral writer.
She don"t mind givin" hersilf away if "t will bring a tear to th"
eye or a smile to th" lips. But a man does. He has more to give away. I"m not sayin" that anny man can"t write betther thin a woman if he wants to. But so can he cuk betther, an" sew betther, an" paint minichoors betther, an" do annything betther but nurse th" baby--if he wants to; but he don"t often want to. He despises such thrivyal pursuits. Mos" iv th" gr-reat writers I iver see th" pitchers iv was little, thin, peevish men that was always gettin" licked. Wanst in a while a sthrong man got into th" game, a bull-necked, round-headed man that might have made a fine thrackmaster or boiler-maker, but was addicted to dhrink, an"
niver had energy enough left in th" mornin" f"r annything more thin writin" th" best plays or th" finest novels or th" gr-reatest histhries in th" wurruld. But if ye got at th" rale feelin" iv three-meal-a-day men about writin", ye"d find they cla.s.sed it with preachin", school-teachin", play-actin", dancin", an" lace-wurruk.
A man iv that kind might start to write, but if he did, he"d stop an" think afther a while, an" say to himsilf: "What"s a big, sthrong, able-bodied, two-hundhred-an"-tin-pound, forty-four-acrost-th"-chest crather like me doin" here, pokin" these funny hireyoglyphics into a piece iv pa-aper with a little sthick? I guess I"ll go out an"
shoe a horse."
"So it is with readin". I"m tol" I ought to read more be Hogan, who"s wan iv th" best-read an" mos" ignorant men I know. Well, maybe I ought, though whin I was a young man, an" was helpin" to build up this counthry, th" princ.i.p.al use iv lithrachoor was as a weepin. In thim days, if a little boy was seen readin" a book, his father took it away fr"m him an" bate him on th" head with it.
Me father was th" mos" accyrate man in th" wurruld with letthers.
He found th" range nachrally, an" he cud wing anny wan iv us with th" "Lives iv th" Saints" as far as he cud see. He was a poor man, an" on"y had such books in his libr"y as a gintleman shud take, but if ye"d give him libr"y enough, he"d capture Giberaltor.
If lithrachoor niver pinethrated me intelleck, "twas not his fault. But nowadays, whin I go down th" sthreet, I see th" childher settin" on th" front steps studyin" a book through double-compound-convex spectacles, lookin" like th" offspring of a profissyonal diver.
What"ll they iver grow up to be? Be hivins! that la-ad Carnaygie knows his business. He is studied th" situation, an" he undhersthands that if he builds libr"ies enough an" gets enough people readin"
books, they won"t be anny wan left afther a while capable iv takin"
away what he"s got. Ye bet he didn"t larn how to make steel billets out iv "Whin Knighthood was in Flower." He larned it be confabulatin"
afther wurrukin" hours with some wan that knew how. I think he must be readin" now, f"r he"s writin" wan or two. "Tis th" way with a man who takes to readin" late in life. He can"t keep it down.
"Readin", me frind, is talked about be all readin" people as though it was th" on"y thing that makes a man betther thin his neighbors.
But th" thruth is that readin" is th" nex" thing this side iv goin" to bed f"r restin" th" mind. With mos" people it takes th"
place iv wurruk. A man doesn"t think whin he"s readin", or if he has to, th" book is no fun. Did ye iver have something to do that ye ought to do, but didn"t want to, an" while ye was wishin" ye was dead, did ye happen to pick up a newspaper? Ye know what occurred. Ye didn"t jus" skim through th" spoortin" intillygince an" th" crime news. Whin ye got through with thim, ye read th"
other quarther iv th" pa-aper. Ye read about people ye niver heerd iv, an" happenin"s ye didn"t undhersthand--th" fashion notes, th"
theatrical gossip, th" s"ciety news fr"m Peoria, th" quotations on oats, th" curb market, th" rale-estate transfers, th" marredge licenses, th" death notices, th" want ads., th" dhrygoods bargains, an" even th" iditoryals. Thin ye r-read thim over again, with a faint idee ye"d read thim befure. Thin ye yawned, studied th"
design iv th" carpet, an" settled down to wurruk. Was ye exercisin"
ye-er joynt intelleck while ye was readin"? No more thin if ye"d been whistlin" or writin" ye-er name on a pa-aper. If anny wan else but me come along they might say: "What a mind Hinnissy has!
He"s always readin"." But I wud kick th" book or pa-aper out iv ye-er hand, an" grab ye be th" collar, an" cry "Up, Hinnissy, an"
to wurruk!" f"r I"d know ye were loafin". Believe me, Hinnissy, readin" is not thinkin". It seems like it, an" whin it comes out in talk sometimes, it sounds like it. It"s a kind iv nearthought that looks ginooine to th" thoughtless, but ye can"t get annything on it. Manny a man I"ve knowed has so doped himsilf with books that he"d stumble over a carpet-tack.
"Am I again" all books, says ye? I"m not. If I had money, I"d have all th" good lithrachoor iv th" wurruld on me table at this minyit. I mightn"t read it, but there it"d be so that anny iv me frinds cud dhrop in an" help thimsilves if they didn"t care f"r other stimylants. I have no taste f"r readin", but I won"t deny it"s a good thing f"r thim that"s addicted to it. In modheration, mind ye. In modheration, an" afther th" ch.o.r.es is done. F"r as a frind iv Hogan"s says, "Much readin" makes a full man," an" he knew what he was talkin" about. An" do I object to th" pursuit iv lithrachoor? Oh, faith, no. As a pursuit "tis fine, but it may be bad f"r anny wan that catches it."
The Law"s Delays
"If I had me job to pick out," said Mr. Dooley, "I"d be a judge.
I"ve looked over all th" others an" that"s th" on"y wan that suits.
I have th" judicyal timperamint. I hate wurruk.
"Ivrybody else is pushed an" hurrid in this tumulchuse age. Th"
business man has to get to th" bank befure it closes an" th" banker has to get there befure th" business man escapes, an" th" high-priced actor has to kill off more gradyates iv th" school iv actin" thin iver he did, an" th" night editions iv th" pa-apers comes out arlier ivry mornin". All is rush an" worry. Kings an" imprors duck about their jooties like bell-hops, th" pampered son iv luxury at Newport is thryin" f"r a mile a minyit in his autymobill an"
th" on"y leisure cla.s.s left in th" wurruld is th" judicyary. Mind ye, Hinnissy, I"m not sayin" annything again" thim. I won"t dhrag th" joodicyal ermine in th" mud though I haven"t noticed that manny iv thim lift it immodestly whin they takes th" pollytical crossing.
I have th" high rayspict f"r th" job that"s th" alternative iv sixty days in jail. Besides, me boy, I invy thim.
"Somewhere a la-ad hits somewan on th" head with an axe or sinds him a bunch iv proosic acid done up to look like candy. Maybe he does an" maybe he don"t; but annyhow that"s what he"s lagged f"r.
Th" polis are in a hurry to get to th" pool-room befure th" flag falls in th" first race an" they carry th" case to th" gran" jury; th" gran" jury indicts him without a thought or a suspicion iv ax har-rd feelin", th" judge takes his breakfast on th" bench to be there in time an" charges th" jury to be fair but not to f"rget th" man done it, an" th" jury rayturns a verdict iv guilty with three cheers an" a tiger. Th" pris"ner has hardly time to grab up his hat befure he "s hauled off to his funeral obsequies, an"
th" onprejudiced public feels happy about it. I don"t believe in capital punishmint, Hinnissy, but "twill niver be abolished while th" people injye it so much. They "re jus" squarin" thimsilves f"r th" rayvoltin" details whin wurrud comes that Judge Tamarack iv Opolis has granted a stay iv proceedin"s. Stays iv pro-ceedin"s is devices, Hinnissy, be which th" high coorts keep in form. "Tis a lagal joke. I med it up. Says Judge Tamarack: "I know very little about this ease excipt what I"ve been tol" be th" larned counsel f"r th" dayfinse, an" I don"t believe that, but I agree with Lord c.o.ke in th" maxim that th" more haste th" less sleep.
Therefore to all sheriffs, greetin": Fen jarrin" th" pris"ner till ye hear fr"m us."
"So th" pris"ner waits an" dhreams he "s a lightnin" rod an" th"
public waits an" ivrybody waits. Th" high coort is busy in its way. Ivry two or three years it is discovered takin" a nap at a county seat in th" corn belt, an" it hands down a decision f"r th"
defindant in a case f"r damages growin" out iv th" Shay rebillion.
Then it dhrops off again. Th" judge that thried th" case retires to a well-arned job with a railrood comp"ny, th" jury has ceased to look f"r their pitchers in th" pa-apers an" th" insurance comp"nies insure young Cyanide"s life f"r the lowest known premyum.
Occasionally a judge iv th" coort iv appeals walkin" in his sleep meets another judge, an" they discuss matthers. "How ar-re ye gettin" on with th" Cyanide case, judge?" "I"m makin" fair headway, judge. I r-read part iv th" vardict iv th" coroner"s jury las"
year an" nex" month whin th" fishin" is over, I expict to look into th" indictment. "Tis a puzzlin" case. Th" man is not guilty."