Now of those days I dare say no more than that; and even if I would I could add very little. My mind throughout was in a kind of dark tumult, until, after my three days of solitude, I had determined what to do.
There were hours, I will not deny, in which my very faith in G.o.d Himself seemed wholly gone; in which it was merely incredible to me that if He were in Heaven such things could happen on earth. But sorrow of such a dreadful kind as this is, in truth, if we will but yield to it, a sort of initiation or revelation, rather than an obscurer of truth; and, by the time that my three days were over I thought I saw where my duty lay, and to what all those events tended. I had come from a monk"s life that I might taste what the world was like; I had tasted and found it very bitter; there was not one affair--(for so it appeared to me then)--that had not failure written all over it. Very well then; I would go back to the monk"s life once more if they would have me. On the third day, then, I had written to my Lord Abbot at St. Paul"s-without-the-Walls, telling him that I was coming back again, and had thrown up my affairs here.
"You were right, my Lord," I wrote at the end of it, "and I was wrong.
My Vocation seems very plain to me now; and I would to G.o.d that I had seen it sooner, or at the least been more humble to Your Lordship"s opinion."
At first I had thought that I would take no leave of the King; and had told Mr. Chiffinch so, after I had announced to him what my intentions were, and announced them too in such a manner that he scarcely even attempted to dissuade me from them. But he had begged me to take my leave in proper form; no harm would be done by that; and then he had told me that His Majesty knew all that had pa.s.sed and was very sorry for it.
I sat silent when he said that.
"Yes, Mr. Mallock," he said again, "and I mean not only for your own sorrow, but for his own treatment of you. It hath been a whim with him: he treats often so those whom he loves. His Majesty hath something of a woman in him, in that matter. His suspicions were real enough, at least for a time."
"I had done better if I had been one of his enemies, then," said I.
"It is of no use to be bitter, sir," said the page. "Men are what they are. We would all be otherwise, no doubt, if we could. See the King, Mr.
Mallock, I beg of you: and appear once at least at Court, publicly. You should allow him at least to make amends."
I gave a great sigh.
"Well: it shall be so," I said. "But I must leave town on Tuesday."
It was with a very strange sense of detachment that I went about my affairs all Friday and Sat.u.r.day; for I had still plenty to do, and was not to see His Majesty till the Sat.u.r.day night after supper. The weather was turned soft again, and we had sunshine for an hour or two. On one day I watched His Majesty go to dinner, with his guards about him, and his gentlemen; but I did not see it with the pleasure I had once had in such brave sights. It was with me, during those days, as it had been with me for those two or three moments during the play, though in a gentler manner; for I thought more of the humanity beneath than of the show above; and a rotten humanity most of it seemed to me. These were but men like myself, and some pretty evil too. Those gentlemen that were with the King--there was scarcely one of them about whom I did not know something considerably to his discredit: there was my Lord Ailesbury in strict attendance on him; and Killigrew--he that had the theatre--and the less said of him the better: and there were three or four more like him; the Earl of Craven was there, colonel of the foot-guards; and Lord Keeper Guildford; and the Earl of Bath; and there, in the midst, the King himself, with his blue silk cloak over his shoulders, and his princely walk, going fast as he always did, and smiling-well, what of those thirteen known mistresses of his that he had had, as well as of those other--G.o.d knows how many!--poor maids, who must look upon him as their ruin? It was a brave sight enough, there in the sunshine--I will not deny that--with the sun on the jewels and the silks, and on the buff and steel of the guards, with that swift kingly figure going in the midst; and it was a brave noise that the music made as they went within the Banqueting-Hall; but how, thought I, does G.o.d see it all? And for what do such things count before His Holy Presence?
I had not rehea.r.s.ed what I should say to His Majesty when I saw him; for indeed it was of no further moment to me what either I or he should say.
I should be gone for ever in three days to the secret service of another King than him--to that secret service where men need not lie and cheat and spy and get their hearts broken after all and no grat.i.tude for it; but to that service which is called _Opus Dei_ in the choir, and is prayer and study and contemplation in the cloister and the cell. There I should sing, week by week:
"Oh! put not your trust in princes nor in any child of man: for there is no help in them."
In such a mood then--not wholly Christian, I will admit!--I came into the King"s closet, to take my leave of him, on that Sat.u.r.day night, the last day of January, in the year of Salvation sixteen hundred and eighty-five.
He was standing up when I entered his private closet, with a very serious look on his face; and, to my astonishment, took a step towards me, holding out both his hands. I will not deny that I was moved; but I had determined to be very stiff. So I saluted him in the proper manner, very carefully and punctually, kneeling to kiss his hand, and then standing upright again. A little spaniel barked at me all the time.
"There! there! Mr. Mallock," he said. "Sit you down! sit you down!
There are some amends due to you."
I seated myself as he bade me; and he leaned towards me a little from his own chair, with one leg across the other. I saw that he limped a little as he went to his chair; and learned afterwards that he had a sore on his heel from walking in the Park.
"There are some amends due to you," he said again: "but first I wish to tell you how very truly I grieve at the sorrow that has come on you, and in my service too, as I understand."
(Ah! thought I: then Mr. Chiffinch has made that plain enough.) He spoke with the greatest feeling and gravity; but the next moment he near ruined it all.
"Ah! these ladies!" he said. "How they can torment a man"s heart to be sure! How they can torture us and yet send us into a kind of ecstasy all at once! We hate them one day, and vow never to see them again, and yet when they die or leave us we would give the world to get them back again!"
For the moment I felt myself all stiff with anger at such a manner of speaking, and then once more a great pity came on me. What, after all, does this man, thought I, know of love as G.o.d meant it to be?
"Well, well!" he said. "It is of no use speaking. I know that well enough. And it was that very cousin, I hear, that was Maid to Her Majesty!"
"Yes, Sir," said I, very short.
I wondered if he would say next that that circ.u.mstance made it all the sadder; but he was not gross enough for that.
"Well," he said, "I will say no more on that point. I am only grieved that it should have come upon you in my service; and I wish to make amends. I already owed you a heavy debt, Mr. Mallock; and this has made it the heavier; and before saying any more I wish to tell you that I am heartily sorry for my suspicions of you. They were real enough, I am ashamed to say: I should have known better. But at least I have got rid of Hoskyns; and he hath gone to the devil altogether, I hear. He had a cunning way with him, you know, Mr. Mallock."
He spoke almost as if he pleaded; and I was amazed at his condescension.
It is not the way of Kings to ask pardon very often.
"Well, Mr. Mallock," he said next; "and I hear that you wish to leave my service?"
"If Your Majesty pleases," said I.
"My Majesty doth not please at all; but he will submit, I suppose. Tell me, sir, why it is that you wish to leave."
"Sir," I said, "the reasons are pretty plain. I have displeased Your Majesty for the past half-year; and I cannot forget that, even though, Sir, you are graciously pleased to compliment me now. Then I have quarrelled with my Cousin Jermyn, so that I have not a kinsman left in England; and--and I have lost her whom I was to make my wife this year.
Finally, if more reasons are wanting, I am weary of a world in which I have failed so greatly; and I must go back again to the cloister, if they will have me there."
All came with a rush when I began to speak, for His Majesty"s presence had always an extraordinary effect upon me, as upon so many others. I had determined to say very little; yet here I had said it all, and I felt the blood in my face. He listened very patiently to me, with his head a little on one side, and his underlip thrust out, and his great melancholy eyes searching my face.
"Well! well! well," he said again, "if you must be a monk there is no more to be said. But what of your apostleship in the world?"
"Sir," I cried--for I knew what he meant--"my apostleship as you name it has been a greater disaster than all the rest: and G.o.d knows that is great enough."
He was silent a full half minute, I should think, still looking on me earnestly.
"Are you so sure of that?" said he.
My heart gave a leap; but he held up his hand before I could speak.
"Wait, sir," he said. "I will tell you this. You have said very little to me; but I vow to you that what you have said I have remembered. It is not argument that a man needs--at least after the first--but example.
That you have given me."
Then I flushed up scarlet; for I was sure he was mocking me.
"Sir," I cried, "you might have spared--"
He lifted his eyes a little.
"I a.s.sure you, Mr. Mallock," he said, "that I mean what I say. You have been very faithful; you have ventured your life again and again for me; you have refused rewards, except the very smallest; you have lost even your sweetheart in my service; and now, when all is within your reach again, you fling it back at me. It is not very gracious; but it is very Christian, as I understand Christianity."
I said nothing. What was there to say? I seemed a very poor Christian to myself.
"Come! come, Mr. Mallock," pursued the King very gently and kindly.
"Think of it once again. You shall have what you please--your Viscounty or anything else of that sort; and you shall keep your lodgings and remain here as my friend. What do you say to that?"
For a moment again I hesitated; for it is not to everyone that a King offers his friendship. If it had been that alone I think I might have yielded, for I knew that I loved this man in spite of all his wickedness and his treatment of me--for that, and for my "apostleship" as he called it, I might have stayed. But at the word _Viscounty_ all turned to bitterness: I remembered my childish dreams and the sweetness of them, and the sweetness of my dear love who was to have shared them; and all turned to bitterness and vanity.
"No, Sir," said I--and I felt my lips tremble. "No, Sir. I will be ungracious and--and Christian to the end. I am resolved to go; and nothing in this world shall keep me from it."