Alex took a deep breath and her hand tightened around his. "Jim, I know whatI"m going to say isn"t proper, and that society would frown on it. My parentswon"t like it either, but that"s too bad." Alex gathered all her courage andheld Jim"s gaze. "What would you think of moving to Portland and continuingyour education at one of the colleges around here? That way, we could beclose. We could pursue our relationship."
Jim struggled to hold back the words I love you, which begged to be torn fromhim. "I"ve thought about that," he whispered. "But I worry for you, what yourfather might think." He flushed. "I"d get my own place." Jim didn"t want toruin Alex"s reputation-especially with her family.
"Of course. My father thinks my whole life is a mistake at this point, so itwon"t surprise him if you move to Portland, Jim."
He hurt for Alex. "I"m sorry, gal. You don"t deserve that. I don"t understandwhy your father doesn"t see your kindness, your goodness."
"Someday he might," Alex said, all at once emotionally gutted by theirconversation. "Right now, I live my own life on my own terms. He doesn"t likeit, but I"m not going to change. My mother understands and supports mecompletely."
"Women are often the stronger ones," Jim said. "And they have more insight. Ihope someday to meet your mother."
"I want you to, Jim."
Squeezing her hand, he said, "Let"s go home."
Alex agreed. The need to hold Jim, to touch him, kiss him, was nearlyimpossible to deal with in a public place. More than anything, Alex realizedthey simply needed each other, to explore what they did or didn"t have. Herentire life felt as if it were on shifting, breakable eggsh.e.l.ls.
At her house, Alex realized with a pang how exhausted Jim had become. Therewas so much he hadn"t shared with her about Long Binh, but she was beginningto realize the toll it had taken on him in every way.
"I think we both need to go to bed and get a good night"s sleep," she told himin the darkened living room.
Regret flowed through Jim, but he knew Alex was right. "As much as I want tokeep talking, keep sharing, I"m plumb tuckered out, gal. I"m sorry."
She reached out and slid her hand along his arm. "Don"t be. Remember? I"m thegal who"s been taking care of returning Vietnam vets at the hospital. I"mtrained to know when they"ve reached their personal limit." Riskingeverything, Alex stood on tiptoe and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek wherethe scar lay. "We have a whole week, Jim. Good night."
Afterward, Alex lay in her bed for a long time, sleep evading her. Normally, ahot shower, the fuzzy warmth of her long, flannel granny gown and hercomfortable bed made her sleepy without fail. Not tonight. She lay on herback, her hands behind her head, and stared up at the ceiling. Street lampstook away the blackness, lighting her room in a gloomy gray. Glancing at theclock on the bedside table, Alex moved restlessly. It was two in the morning.Her covers were in tangles from her tossing and turning.
Finally, disgusted with the raw emotions that refused to be laid to rest, Alexgot up. Her feet brushed the cool wooden floor, and she sat, feeling the ma.s.sof emotions within her. The need to love Jim, to reach out and heal him withher love, would no longer remain silent or under her control. Rubbing herface, Alex didn"t know what to do. It was wrong to sleep with a man, any man,before marriage. Virginity was something valued, and up until now she hadwanted to save herself for her husband.
Miserably, Alex looked around her room, at the frilly, pale pink curtains, thewallpaper with its tiny rosebud pattern. She had never felt more unhappy, ormore torn. The door to her bedroom was open a crack so that Thomasina, whousually slept at the end of her bed, could come and go as she pleased. With aslight, pained smile, Alex realized that Thomasina had gone out to be withJim, to sleep on his bed. The cat was lucky, Alex thought, that she didn"thave social pressures to concern her.
Clenching her small fists, Alex remained in a quandary. Just as she got to herfeet to retrieve her blue flannel robe from the bottom of her bed, she heardJim scream.
Freezing, Alex heard him scream again. The sound, a horrible cry from thedepths of a person trapped in h.e.l.l, shattered the night"s silence. Instantly,Alex ran out the door, down the hall and to the living room.
"Jim!" She found him sitting up, his hands pressed against his face, sobbing."Oh, no..." Alex moved to his side. His upper body was naked and bathed in asheen of sweat. This was something she encountered almost daily at thehospital, with patients who had been wounded in a psychic sense-the emotionalbreakdowns. As she placed her arm around his shaking shoulders, tears stungAlex"s eyes.
"It"s okay, okay," she soothed, and wrapped her arms around him. The abilityto hold Jim when he needed someone flowed through Alex. She held him with herwoman"s strength, whispering soft, broken words near his ear as he collapsedagainst her. His arms went around her, and she felt him holding onto her as ifhe were a man drowning in an ocean of terror that she couldn"t see, but could sense.
Alex"s strained voice began to break through Jim"s nightmare. One moment hewas watching Kim running toward him with the grenade in her hand, smiling. Thenext, Jim felt the softness of Alex, her arms holding him, until therealization that he was safe impinged upon his splintered senses. Each strokeof her trembling hand against his head and shoulders took a little more of thenightmare away. Each movement made him aware that he was here, with Alex.Jim"s arms tightened around her small form, and he took a deep, ragged breathinto his lungs.
"That"s it, breathe deeply. Just let the nightmare go, Jim. You"re safe...safe."
The flannel of her gown was damp with his tears. He pressed his face into herluxuriant hair, the scent alluring. Alex was here with him. He was alive, notdead. And he was safe. Oh, G.o.d, he was safe. And then he tensed. He feltAlex"s lips on his sweaty brow, her small, trembling hands framing his face.Her softened moan, her lips touching him and miraculously easing his agony,flooded through him like a river of intense heat and light.
Blindly, Jim straightened and captured Alex in his arms. Kim"s death was allhe could remember, all he could feel and hear. As he wildly sought and found Alex"s mouth, he plundered her, wanting to drown himself in the splendor ofher as a woman, as someone so alive and intrinsic to him that he couldn"tconceive of living without her. Her mouth was ripe, responsive and eagerbeneath his exploration. Groaning, lost in the beauty of her, of her needmatching and meeting his own, Jim absorbed all of Alex, as if they couldmagically blend into each other and become one if he kissed her long enough,deeply enough.
His hands trembling as he helped Alex out of the flannel nightgown, Jim ranhis fingers across her in awe. Her skin was a velvet field to investigate, tobecome mesmerized and entangled within. As he ran his fingers down her smallshoulder and cupped her breast, he felt her press against him. Her fingers dugfrantically into his shoulders, broadcasting her need of him, of his continuedquest of her. All the love, all the yearning and longing that he"d stored upfor so many months burst free. Leaning down, he captured the rosy peak of hernipple and drew it into his mouth.
A cry jagged through Alex and she tensed along his hard, naked body. Thedemand increased as he suckled her, and sobs of pleasure tore from her lips.There was such beauty, such reverence in each of his caresses. Alex didn"tknow how to make love, but she surrendered to her own sense as a woman whoneeded her man in all ways. As his hand lingered across her rounded belly, thethought of carrying his child had never seemed stronger or more right to her.Any guilt over social demands dissolved within Alex. She understood now, on aprimal level, that Jim needed her in this moment. As his hand slid downward tothe apex of her thighs, she moaned. Moving his fingers toward the curve of herflesh, he stroked her until the burning fire threatened to consume her, andAlex began to realize just how healing loving could be-not for just Jim, butfor herself.
As he eased her down on the bed, on her back, Alex opened her eyes. Thetension, the need in Jim"s face was undeniable, and she smiled softly as sheplaced her arms around his shoulders. At that exquisite moment, as he liftedher hips to meet and join with his, Alex thought how silly she had been abouther love, worrying about so many extraneous things. Love was the answer, sherealized humbly as she leaned upward to capture his mouth.
"I need you," Jim rasped thickly, holding her shimmering gray gaze. "I needyou."
With a quiver, Alex nodded. There was such a flow of love between them, atangible feeling, that she instinctively raised her hips to meet his thrust. Alittle cry of surprise, the pressure of him entering her, gave way to reliefas he plunged deeply within her. She felt him freeze and hold her as if shewere some fragile object ready to break at an instant"s notice. Somewhere inher hazy mind of spinning joy and euphoria, Alex realized that Jim was afraidhe was going to hurt her.
"Love me," she pleaded, her voice cracking with emotion. "Just love me, Jim."
Jim nodded once, holding his body tensely, under steel control above her. Thelast thing he ever wanted to do was give Alex more pain. He knew he wasn"t themost experienced of lovers. His b.u.mbling attempts might create agony for her.He lay there, his body trembling with need, wanting to be scorched andtransformed by her loving form. The softness of her smile and the teasingmovement of her hips broke his fear barrier.
Sinking against her, Jim gripped the sheets on either side of her head. "Ilove you," he rasped. "G.o.d, I love you with my life, Alex."
Gently, she slid her arms across his back, feeling complete as never before."I know you do," she whispered against his ear, and proceeded to draw thetension from him, to draw him into rhythm with herself.
Each rocking motion tore at him. His grip on the sheets increased, and finallyhe plunged again and again into her, losing himself in her fiery, welcomingconfines. With each rhythmic movement, he felt a little less trepidation, alittle less suffering, as his grief melted away in her living, pulsing body.Drowning in the heat of her mouth, her questing lips, her tongue torturing himwith new awareness of her as a woman, Jim surrendered much of the horror thathad haunted him. He felt as if he were experiencing a miracle of rebirth as hetensed, groaned and then released his life deep within her. The moments meldedand blended like lightning striking through every particle of his being, untilhis mind blanked out, and all that was left was a feeling of oneness withAlex. Somewhere in his overwhelmed senses, he heard her give a little cry,tense and grip him with all her strength.
As he lay on her afterward, their breathing ragged, their bodies blazing withincandescent heat, he opened his eyes slightly. Worried that he might hurtAlex with his weight, Jim eased away from her.
"No..." Alex reached for him. "I like you on me, don"t leave," she whispered.
It was easy to cover her, to protect her with his body. "You feel so good tome," he said thickly, kissing her brow, her nose, her cheek and finally, thoseripe lips. "I feel so weak."
"Me, too." Alex laughed, luxuriating beneath his weight, his strength againsther. She reached up and gently caressed his glistening features. "All thetension in your face is gone," she said with wonder. And his eyes, smoky bluecoals banked with desire, no longer held that haunted animal look. Alex was inawe of what their love had done.
"I feel drained," Jim offered as he removed strands of damp dark hair from herbrow. "But a good kind of drained, if that makes any sense."
Alex nodded. "Why did we wait so long?"
He smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips. "I don"t know. Maybe I wasafraid...."
"We both were," Alex said softly. She framed his face. "I didn"t know if youloved me or not, Jim."
He shook his head. "I always did."
"But you never said it-until now."
Realizing Alex was right, Jim eased himself off her, then brought heralongside him. Retrieving the covers, he pulled them up and over them. Alexsnuggled into his arms, and he felt like a man who had captured heaven andmade it his. "I"m sorry," he rasped against her hair. "At first, in Nam, Ithought your love was born of the stress we were under, Alex. And after therescue, when you were in Da Nang, I figured it was out of obligation." Hesighed. "I guess I was scared to wish, to hope that you might really love thisMissouri country boy."
Alex raised her head and held his dark gaze. She caressed his shoulder. "Ilove the man I saw from the beginning. It didn"t matter what state he wasfrom."
He nodded. "I"m beginning to understand that now, Alex. I was confused, mixedup inside myself. I"d murdered a little girl so I could live. For what? Fromthe moment I did it, I didn"t want to live. And then you dropped into my life.I couldn"t let you die. You were too courageous, too much a fighter, so itforced me to change my mind again. I knew, taking you back after that bombingraid, that I was going to prison." He smiled a little and leaned over to kissher lips. "But you were worth it. You showed me a rare kind of courage that Iwanted to have. I know you probably didn"t realize all that you did for me,Alex."
She shook her head. "No... I had no idea."
"I saw getting you to safety as a way to atone a little bit for taking Kim"slife. And I knew that I had to pay for Kim"s pa.s.sing. Looking back on it all,Alex, I wouldn"t change one thing that happened. I can never bring Kim back toher family. And I"ll spend the rest of my life remembering her, and trying toatone. You helped me get on another track, too. I know with study, with hardwork, I can do it. I made a promise to myself that if I survived Long Binh,that if I got the chance, I"d go on to help others who found themselves intheir own kind of h.e.l.l."
"Psychology"s a good place for you, then," Alex agreed. "You can help a lot ofpeople by becoming a therapist."
"That"s what I want to be, gal. I know I"m not book learned properly, but I"vegot the time and the desire. Both those things will get me where I want to go.Plus-" Jim smiled down at her "-I have you."
"You"ve always had me, Jim McKenzie...from the very beginning."
With a sigh, Jim lay down and pressed Alex against him. Just her arm acrosshis chest, her head resting against his shoulder, brought an incredible senseof contentment. "Go to sleep," he told her. "Tomorrow"s a new day. It"s ourbeginning."
Chapter Twelve.
Alex awoke slowly, sunlight streaming in the windows of the living room andacross the bed. Wrapped in the euphoria of loving Jim, she lay savoring thefeelings. But as she drew out of the folds of the twilight of sleep, Alexrealized that Jim was gone. She sat up, the covers pooled around her hips. Hewas gone. On the pillow next to her was a handwritten note. Alex reached over,her heart thudding heavily in her breast. The note was from Jim.
Dear Alex, I didn"t have the heart to wake you up to tell you I was going to be gone fora little bit. I"ll be back, gal.
Love, Jim Relief swept through Alex. Why did she feel insecure? Frowning, she pettedThomasina, who lay nearby on the bed. Still, she couldn"t shake the feeling oflosing Jim. She got up, struggled into her granny gown and looked at herwatch. It was nearly ten o"clock! This morning there was no hurry to get towork-it was the first day of her vacation. Again Alex tried to put aside theuneasy feeling stalking her.
Jim had made coffee and placed an empty cup out beside it for her. Histhoughtfulness was a wonderful surprise. Sitting at the table struggling towake up, still caught in the embrace of loving Jim the night before, Alextried to tame her mussed hair into a semblance of order. Maybe a hot showerwould help her get rid of the fear deep within her. She missed Jim acutely.The thought of waking up in his arms was like a dream come true. Jim loved herno matter how unsettled she felt this morning.
Alex took her shower and chose a pale yellow long-sleeved cotton blouse, apair of jeans and comfortable low-heeled leather shoes. The glow she feltinwardly from loving Jim continued, and her happiness warred with the fearthat refused to leave. Allowing her hair to swing loose and free about hershoulders, Alex put on a bit of perfume, then went to the kitchen to makeherself a late breakfast.
Near eleven o"clock, Jim returned. Alex was washing up the dishes in thekitchen when he entered.
"You"re up," Jim teased. He smiled as Alex turned around. How could he tellher how beautiful she looked, so clean, with a glow to her eyes and cheeks?
Holding up a bouquet of red roses, he walked over to where she stood smiling.
"These are for you," he whispered, handing her the roses.
Touched, Alex took the bouquet and held it carefully. "Thank you...." Sheleaned up to kiss his cheek. Alex was surprised and pleased as he framed herface with his hands and leaned down to capture her mouth. His kiss was deep,molten and exploring. She felt herself tremble and moved into his arms, thebouquet caught between them. There was such strength coupled with control ashe claimed her. As he tunneled his fingers through her hair, he gently brokethe kiss and smiled down into her eyes.
"I love you, Alex Vance. You"re a woman any man would be proud to keep companywith."
All she could do was drown in the brilliant blue of his eyes, now clear of allhaunted looks. Touching his recently shaved cheek, she smiled at him. "And Ilove you, with all my heart, my soul."
Looking down at the roses, Jim grinned. "We"re going to turn these flowers tomush if we keep this up."
With a startled laugh, Alex took a step away from him. "I think you"re right.They"re lovely, Jim." She leaned over and inhaled their delicate fragrance."And they smell so good!"
Pleased that she liked his gift, Jim felt on top of the world. "You"re likethem, you know? Purty as a spring morning, fresh smelling and reminding me ofhappier times, better days."
Alex held his dancing gaze, feeling privileged at seeing a side of him she"dnever witnessed. "We have so much to catch up on, Jim."
He thrust his hands in his pockets. "I know we do, gal."
"You want to know something silly?" She walked over to the cabinet beneath thesink and pulled out a cut gla.s.s vase for the roses.
Jim followed her and leaned against the kitchen counter, just enjoying watching Alex. The kiss he"d given her had made him want her all over again."Nothing you"d say was silly," he chided.
Alex laughed nervously as she filled the vase with water. "This is, believeme. I woke up this morning, and was afraid. Can you imagine that?" She took apair of scissors from another drawer and began to cut each rose stem at anangle before placing it in the vase.
Jim could see something lurking in Alex"s gray eyes. "What are you afraid of?"
"That"s what doesn"t make sense, Jim. It"s just a vague feeling. Maybe I"mafraid I"ll lose you...."
Jim crossed his arms in the gathering silence. "You aren"t gonna lose me," hesoothed huskily. "When I woke up this morning with you beside me, I felt likethe luckiest man in the world." He glanced over at her. "And then, I got realscared," he admitted. "I lay there thinking of all the ways I could lose you,gal- every possible combination that could split us apart." He shook his head."I thought maybe you"d wake up this morning and ask me to leave because I"dmade love to you. Or that you were somehow disappointed with me, or-" helaughed "-so many other crazy things."
Alex fixed the last rose in place and put the vase on the table. Then shewalked over to Jim, and his arms opened to welcome her. Leaning her headagainst his chest, her arms about his waist, she whispered, "Sounds like wehad the same fears."
With a sigh, Jim nodded and kissed her hair. "I think," he said, "we"re bothin shock from finally seeing each other, finally fulfilling something we"vealways wanted. We"ve both been through h.e.l.l, gal, and we"re so used to gettingkicked down to our knees that what we share this moment seems like an impossible dream come true."
"I know," Alex said, her voice m.u.f.fled against his shirt, "I"m afraid it willall end." Her voice broke. "And I don"t want it to."
"Shh, it"s all right, sweet woman of mine." Jim kissed her hair, her cheek,then placed his fingers beneath her chin. As Alex raised her head and he mether tear-filled gaze, he smiled gently. "Only an act of G.o.d will split usapart, Alex. Believe that. Know it. I do."
Just then, the doorbell rang. Alex frowned. She quickly wiped the tears fromher eyes as Jim released her to answer it. "Who could that be?" she muttered.
"I don"t know. Expecting any friends?"
"No." Alex"s heartbeat accelerated with dread. She had no explanation for theapprehension she felt as she crossed the living room to answer the door.Belatedly, she realized she hadn"t made up the couch yet, and the bed, withits tangle of blankets and sheets, was in full view.
Jim stood in the living-room doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. Thelook of worry on Alex"s face concerned him. Whatever fear she felt was real.
Alex opened the door. Her jaw dropped. "Father!"
Hiram Vance stood on the doorstep in his dark pinstriped suit, his blackovercoat on his arm and an expensive leather briefcase in his left hand. Hisface was grim.
"Alex."
Alex"s heart seemed to shatter at the anger on her father"s pugnacious face."Wh-what are you doing here?"
His jaw set. "Why shouldn"t I be here? You"re my daughter. I just happened tobe in the area and thought I"d drop by. May I come in?"
Starting to tremble, Alex opened the door wide. She didn"t have time to sayanything to Jim, who came forward to stand at her side, settling a hand on hershoulder.
Her father glared at him. He eyed him for a long moment. "I recognize you fromthe newspaper articles, McKenzie." Vance flung his glare back to Alex. "What"she doing here, Alex?" he ground out.
Alex shut the door, feeling terribly torn. Her gaze moved to Jim, whosefeatures had hardened-just as they had in the jungle of Vietnam. His eyesnarrowed with an intensity that frightened her. Instinctively, Alex steppedbetween the two men. The indignation and rage in her father"s face wereunmistakable.
"I-".
"How could you let this cowardly b.a.s.t.a.r.d into your house?"
Jim"s grip on Alex"s trembling shoulder tightened. "Mr. Vance, why don"t youlet your daughter answer one question before you fire the next salvo?"
Hiram Vance"s lips pulled away from his teeth. "Shut up."