IV
Raven sat down at the table and began his letter. He was wrestling with it at once, to give himself no time to argue over the point of its being no ordinary letter such as he had been accustomed to write to d.i.c.k. He began with the succinct statement of what he meant to do. He had made all his arrangements for getting out of the business. They could be concluded in short order. As to the business itself, he had no complaint to make. The old man--he permitted himself this indulgence as he never could have in Anne"s lifetime, as touching her father--the old man had been square all through. He was as good as they make "em. But there was nothing for him, Raven, in the concern except its c.u.mulative capacity for making money. He"d no traditional pride in it, as the old man had.
He"d worked for all he was worth, to squeeze every drop he could out of it so that his mother--"your grandmother, you know, d.i.c.k"--might have every last luxury she wanted. Well, she"d had "em, though one of the ironical things about it was that she didn"t want so very many, and he needn"t have worked so hard or so long. However, that"s neither here nor there. What"s done is done. The War"s done--they say--and the thing that would please Raven best would be----Here he brought up with a full stop.
He was running into dangerous revelations, going back to a previous state of mind, one he had begun cherishing as soon as his mother died, and even caressed, with a sort of denied pa.s.sion, when Anne also died, and he felt so shamefacedly free. All his life he had wanted to wander, to explore, to bruise himself against the earth and pick himself up and go on and get bruised again. He loved the earth, he wanted her, in her magnificence and cruelty, wanted to write about her, and make the portrait of her for stay-at-homes who weren"t adventurous and were content with reading about her in the blank moments after the office grind. Yet he was a stay-at-home himself. Why? in G.o.d"s name why?
He asked himself the question, as he sat with lifted pen, almost the words dropping off it, to tell d.i.c.k the things it would be simply disconcerting to know. Raven saw, with a sad clearness, why he hadn"t written the books he wanted to about the earth. They would have been rough books, full of rock and clay and the tumbling of rivers and thunder grumbling in the clouds. If he had been really afraid of Anne and her ordered ambitions for him, he could have printed them under an a.s.sumed name. She need never have known at all. They wouldn"t have been the books he could have written if he had been foot-loose and gone blundering along in strange trails over the earth, but they might have held something of the sort his inner man wanted to fashion. And if the secret of them had been kept, they needn"t have interfered with his smug little folk stories Anne and her women"s clubs prized so much. Had he been actually afraid of Anne? Was he one of the men who are shamefully under the feminine finger, subject to mother, subject to wife, without the nerve--scarcely the wish, indeed--to break away? He was not afraid of his mother, or, if he had been, it was the fear of hurting her who had been so hurt already. Ever since he could remember, he saw himself, even as a little boy, trying to get her away from his father who had a positive cast of mind, a perfect certainty of being right and a confirmed belief that robust measures always were the thing. If you did wrong, you were to be punished, promptly and effectually. If you were afraid of the dark, and came downstairs in your nightgown upon the family sitting by the lamp, you were whaled for it, to teach you there was something worse than bed even in the dark. If you said your head ached and you couldn"t eat bacon and greens, which father elected to consider a normal dish, you were made to eat a lot with no matter what dire result, because there wasn"t a physical ill which couldn"t be mended by treating it robustly. He was G.o.d. He knew. And he was perfectly well and had never once for half a minute entered into those disordered cells of bodily ill where the atom cries to its Creator in an anguish of bewilderment and pain. And when his body met the fate appointed for its destruction, as all bodies must, and he was brought home broken after the runaway that made him a thing almost too terrible to look upon, except by eyes so full of compa.s.sion that they love the more, Raven, then a very little John, found himself wondering how it seemed to father now. Even runaways, father had appeared to think, could always be governed, if you kept your head.
They never knew what he thought. He died quickly, under opiates, and John believed his mother was so thankful for the merciful haste of it that she could not, until long after, recall herself to mourn. And she did honestly mourn. The little John was glad of that. So ill and tired had she been for years and yet so bound upon the rack of her husband"s Spartan theories for her, that John thought he could not have borne it if she had not adored her righteous tormentor, if she had had to look on him as her master, not her lord by love. It seemed to him he was always mourning over his mother, in those days, always lying awake and wondering if she were awake, too, always trying to save her from some task too heavy for her and too heavy for him also, so that, if she were to be saved, it had to be by stratagem. But stratagem was difficult in that house, because his older sister, who became d.i.c.k"s mother, was of her father"s temperament, always perfectly well and also an inferior G.o.d who knew at every point what to do, and she had not merely imbibed father"s certainty that the only thing mother needed was to take a brace: she had it by nature. And when, father being gone to heaven--and John, young John now, not little any more, made no doubt he had gone, it pleased mother so to say it and be obligingly agreed with--Amelia, his sister, took her departure, on the night of her marriage with a very prosperous Mr. Powell, for the middle west, John Raven, then beginning his apprenticeship to wool, danced a fantastic fling in the sitting-room where the wedding gifts still lay displayed and whooped with emotion at last let loose. His mother, in the gray silk and commendable lace Amelia had selected and he had paid for, did smile unwillingly, but she spoke to him in the reproving tone which was the limit of severity his boyhood had known from her and which he had learned, in those earliest days, meant nothing at all:
"I"d be ashamed! Any one would think you were glad your sister had gone!"
John did not say he was glad. He knew too much to stir up loyal reactions in mother"s conscience. He simply wove a dance of intricate mazes about her, as she sat in her chair, and his inner mind was one paean of thanksgiving to G.o.d, not the spurious G.o.ds who had been his father and sister, but the mysterious Deity who had, for obscure purposes, called them into being, because now John had at last full swing and could let mother out of bondage. What difference did it make that he wasn"t trekking through darkest Africa or being hunted by the jungle in India, so long as mother was out of bondage? He even took his allegiance to Anne rather lightly, those first years, he was so absent-minded about everything but hypnotising mother into thinking she was going to be very happy and live a long time doing it. And that was the part of his life when there seemed to be a great deal of it, and if he didn"t have a thing now there would be plenty of chances to s.n.a.t.c.h at it later. He had simply been eaten up, the energy of him, the will, perhaps, by compa.s.sion. And then his mother had died and he knew he could have done no more for her than he had done, and while he was turning round to look about him--and ah! in that lean year came Anne"s horrible accusation that he did not love her!--the War broke out, and he felt himself shocked into action. The very atoms of his body seemed to fall asunder and rearrange themselves and, as soon as he could decently get away, without throwing the bewilderment of the business on Anne, he had gone, and he had never seen her again.
He had written to her faithfully, and with the compa.s.sion that was either natally or by the habit of life a part of him, but he had not obeyed her. For she begged him, almost, at intervals, commanded him, to return to work with her for the peace of mankind. At first he tried to explain himself and a.s.suage her grief over what she called his desertion of their common ideals. He answered the arguments in the letters that had become a misery to him to receive as his had become an inexpressible burden to write. Finally, with a wrench to himself, he ceased, and, with infinite pains, compiled data that might interest without offending her.
The letters continued, but as soon as he found she was sending him abstractions valueless because they had no roots in the living issues of things, he had to stop. That, not her death, had been their lasting farewell.
What, in the name of all that was mysterious, he reflected, had made Anne--and so early--a.s.sume the burden of an unasked allegiance to him?
His family and hers had been next-door neighbors at Wake Hill, but on no equality of worldly footing. The Hamiltons, thriving on wool, had been able to buy for themselves all the picturesque luxuries of civilized life. Their women toiled not. Their delicate air was the product of tuition in dainty ways. Their men had acquired the unconscious pose of dominance, of knowing what was their due and expecting to get it without argument. Sometimes up there at Wake Hill they did receive a disconcerting knock or two from some "embattled farmer" whom they called "my man," and who didn"t like the sound of it. But the answering rebuff never penetrated the fine mail of their acquired arrogance. It meant, they smilingly said, "New England," and tolerantly pa.s.sed it by. Raven"s people were of a different stripe, "brainy," he thought with an unspoken pride of his own, yet deficient in a certain practical quality of taking the world "but as the world," and consequently always poor. Their ways were rougher ways. Their women had to work to trim the edges of their plainer surroundings with the alleviating prettinesses the Hamiltons cast aside with every changing style. And Anne, coming home from Europe one summer, where she had not only seen wonder and beauty, already familiar to her--for she was a young lady then--and where he knew she had met men and women whose names were trumpet calls in his ears--singled him out, in his shyness and obscurity, and offered him the key to the fulfilment of his dreams. Education, travel, the life of books--all were in her hand, the potential fruit of her father"s doting affection for her, and all were to be his. What could have inspired her with so wholesale and fantastic a philanthropy? He could never adequately guess, and he was no nearer doing it now than in the old bewildering days when the Hesperidean apples were dropping over him and he was, from some shy instinct, dodging to avoid them. And the reason he had never guessed and never could guess was that he left out of all the data at his hand the one first moving factor: that he was a beautiful youth and Anne had imperiously loved him and had never ceased to love.
As he sat there, the pen lifted, his mind going back over the things that had led him away from adventure into wool, and were now leading him as far from wool as might be, he was tempted. What if, in spite of Nan, he should risk it and tell d.i.c.k, once for all, why he was going away, make it clear so there should be no after-persuasions, no clutter of half understanding? He was tired of thinking about his life as a life.
The temptation to such morose musing had come upon him in the last six months, and once yielded to, he felt the egotistical disease of it through his very blood and bones. If he were Catholic, he could confess and get rid of it. He was not Catholic, only pagan, the natural man. The Church had a wisdom of her own. All her rites and ceremonies found their root in something salutary for the human mind. Confession was salutary.
You might not be absolved, but if you were pagan you could believe that the very act of it absolved you. Nan said d.i.c.k never would understand.
So much the better. Let him carry off the burden of it. If he understood, he"d see the extreme sacredness of a confidence entrusted to him. If he didn"t, he"d hide it as a thing you"d better say as little about as possible. So he tucked his first letter into its envelope and began to write again, with no date and no direct address, but from a sense that it was going to be an enormously comforting thing to do.
V
"I think I"ll tell you the real reason why I"m going to Wake Hill. I"ve told you I"m going, but just as my nerves move the muscles that move my legs to go, so my will moves my nerves and the me that is inside somewhere and is a perfect stranger to you--and also to the me I am used to myself--moves my will. You see, the me inside me knows there"s something wrong. Something mighty bad--or it may be merely inevitable--has happened to me. I went through the War all right, on a pretty even keel, because I thought I saw a bright light at the end. I thought we all saw the light. And the light wasn"t any electric signboard out to say there never would be any more wars, but it was a light you could see to read by. You could see the stars and see them differently from the old way we"d been seeing them. We could see the moon and the Milky Way--but I suppose that comes under stars--and the upshot of it was that we thought we saw G.o.d. And after you"d seen G.o.d, you knew saying there shouldn"t be any more war was only beginning at the wrong end of the puzzle. Of course war is a d.a.m.nable business, perhaps the most d.a.m.nable we go into because it"s so wholesale. But if you begin at the right end of the puzzle and not the wrong, the thing we learn is that the only reality in this universe for which it"s worth going through the obscene h.e.l.ls of which war is one, is G.o.d. To be aware of Him, not to explain Him. You can"t explain Him. You can"t explain what He"s done to you or means to do. All you can do is to keep your eye on Him and fall in.
"I came home. I was rather cracked, when I got here, I was so pleased with my little plaything. I"d seen G.o.d. I was only one of a good many millions that saw Him. And it was exactly as if you went into an enchanter"s cave and expected to find some dream you"d dreamed made real, and all you found was the Forty Thieves sitting there counting over their spoils. No! no! it isn"t an allegory. I don"t mean America and profiteers. I don"t mean anybody particularly. But it began to come over me more and more every day that we and everybody else on the round world, if they had seen G.o.d, had forgotten all about it. Just as the old-fashioned men at Wake Hill used to read their Bible Sunday and put it away on the parlor table with the alb.u.m and go out early Monday morning to carry the apples to market all deaconed on top. By George! we were the same old lot. And worse, for we"d had our look through the peep-hole into eternities, and now we said, "It makes my eyes ache. I"m going to wear a shade." No, son, I don"t mean Leagues of Nations and Internationalism or any of the quack remedies. I mean just G.o.d. We"d been badly scared--Nan said so to-day--and we got down on our knees and howled to the Highest and offered Him tribute.
"Now you may say that even if the whole world had forgotten G.o.d, if I"d seen Him why couldn"t I still remember Him? Why couldn"t I consider the millions of years that go to the making of man and do my little bit and wait on His will? Because my temptation came on me. I was tempted in the wilderness of my own credulity and conceit. For I looked back over time past and I said like Solomon--I don"t know whether he ever said it, but he"s the most blase Johnnie I remember--"All is vanity." As it was in the beginning, so it ever shall be. We are not made in the image of G.o.d.
We are made rather grotesquely out of dust, and to dust we shall return, all our hopes, all our aspirations, all the pretty plans we form for defeating death and time. And who made us and put us on this dark planet where it is next to impossible to see a step before us? G.o.d. Who is responsible for us? G.o.d. Can we find out His will? Never. Can we hope for any alleviation of misery on our dark planet? Never: for if we seek out many inventions to down disease and poverty, we shall unloose as many by-products of discovery and bring new plagues upon us. And so I had to turn away from G.o.d. Do you see? I didn"t deny He exists. I didn"t accuse Him of bad faith to us. How can He show either good faith or bad when He has made us no promises? He has merely set us on the dark planet and forced us to whirl with it on the wheel of time. And so, do you see, having turned away from G.o.d--and I had to, I had to in mere honesty--I simply lost Him. And having lost Him, there is nothing left to lose.
Also, having once seen Him and then lost Him, I can"t take up the puzzle again. I can"t play the game. If I hadn"t what we New Englanders call common sense, I suppose I should put an end to myself. What would be the good? He would simply catch me, like a rabbit out of a cage, and chuck me back again on the dark planet. Don"t think I blame Him. He wouldn"t do it out of cruelty. He"d have to put me back. That"s the way His laws are made. So I"m going up to Wake Hill and live with Charlotte and Jerry, and see if I can"t get tired enough every day to sleep at night.
I couldn"t keep on here. I couldn"t. What we call civilization is too sickening to me. I should simply go off my nut. And when you come to that, it"s an awful complication, besides the suffering of it. That I shrink from, too. I"m talking a good deal, but actually it"s the thing I least want to do. I don"t want a fuss."
Here he paused, wondered if he had more to say, thinking d.i.c.k must be unusually dull, even for a poet, if he couldn"t understand such a plain state of things, and then took an irrational satisfaction in carefully folding these last pages and putting them in the envelope with what he had written first. He addressed the envelope to d.i.c.k, sealed and weighed it, got up and stretched himself and felt distinctly better. He had, in a way, confessed, and it was having the effect on him he had so sagely antic.i.p.ated. He could sleep to-night. And he did sleep. It was one of the nights he used to have after long tramps about Wake Hill, when his tired legs thrilled deliciously before they sank into a swoon of nothingness.
In the morning, he leaped the chasm from four to six, a wakeful misery of late, when he was accustomed to go over and over the last hara.s.sing pages in his book of doubts. He did not wake until seven, and then it was with a clear-eyed resumption of consciousness. And here he was, exactly as he had found himself on other mornings when the bath of oblivion had not been so deep. Here was his world, the world he was trying to run away from, waiting for him in all its ordered hostilities.
Immediately it struck him full in the center that, instead of having something less to brood upon by reason of his confession to d.i.c.k, he had saddled himself with more. He had the letter itself to repent of. He had given, not his unhappiness but his actual self away, and, no matter how clearly d.i.c.k understood, he had conjured up another anguish in admitting to his disordered inner world the lenses of another mind. This was only a matter of a second"s disconcerting thought. It was also immediately clear to him that the letter must not go, and he spoke from his bedside to the kitchen and gave orders that nothing should be mailed until he came down. A contrite voice replied. The letters were mailed: that is, the thick one on the library table. Mary had gone in last night to lock the windows, and saw it, and knew he had forgotten to leave it in the hall. He often did forget. It was stamped and sealed. And the furnace man came then. Raven thought he might, in another minute, be groaning into her sympathetic ear; so he shut her up with an a.s.surance that it was all right. But he felt the sweat start on his forehead at the picture of d.i.c.k sitting down to breakfast--d.i.c.k always ordered a big breakfast, having a hunter"s appet.i.te and a general impression that, the more he nourished himself, the more manly it would make his nose--and poring over the fable of his uncle"s soul, or what seemed to be his soul, with eyes strained to their limit of credulity. However, it was of no use. Nothing was of any use when destiny had one of those ironic fits of hers and sat down to make a caricature of you, just for the fun of bursting her old sides over it. He dressed in a dogged haste, wondering if he"d better telephone d.i.c.k and ask him not to open any letter he might have from him that morning, and then dismissing it, because it had a.s.suredly been received and d.i.c.k was now absorbing it with his chops and eggs.
Raven went down to his own eggs in a grim and sulky frame of mind. He would repudiate the letter, if need be, tell d.i.c.k it was only something he had written as a literary experiment and thought he"d try it on the dog. But the moment he heard the boy"s key in the door and then his step through the hall, he knew he could not, for some unexplained reason inherent in his own frame of mind, "put it over." It was as if d.i.c.k represented the universe Raven was arraigning, was counsel for it, so to speak, and Raven had got, in sheer decency of honor, to stand to his guns. But it was all worse than he thought. d.i.c.k"s entrance was so quick, his onslaught so unstudied, his glance so full of alarmed commiseration, that Raven saw at once he had been shocked out of all manly proprieties. d.i.c.k caught at a chair, on the way to the table, brought it with him and, placing it at a near angle to Raven"s, dropped into it as if exhausted.
"I"d no idea," he began, "why, I"d no more idea----"
Raven"s hand tightened on his fork. Then he laid the fork down, for, after all, he had finished breakfast, and might as well make the most of running his hands into his pockets and shutting them there.
"Morning, d.i.c.k," he said. "Have in some toast and eggs?"
d.i.c.k, in no mind even to weigh the significance of toast and eggs, was staring at him. He was cheated by a poverty of words when he most needed them, and could only repeat:
"I hadn"t the least idea. I tell you it never occurred to me. I don"t believe it did to Nan, either."
"What?" asked Raven. "What is it that didn"t occur to you?"
"I did think of it when you first spoke of going to France, you know,"
said d.i.c.k, in a justification of himself that seemed more for his own ease than Raven"s. "I didn"t believe you could pull it off, a man of your years. You took it so easy! You never turned a hair. But I might have known you"d have to pay for it afterward."
"What is it I"ve taken so admirably?" asked Raven. "What is it I"ve got to pay for?"
"Why," said d.i.c.k, "your slogging over there--a man of your age----"
"Well," said Raven curtly, cracking his voice at him in a way d.i.c.k had never had to take from him, "how is it I"m paying? What"s the matter with me?"
"Why," said d.i.c.k, in a perfect innocence of any offense in it, "don"t you know? You"ve seen enough of it. I should think you"d be the first to know."
Raven simply looked at him. d.i.c.k had a feeling that his uncle was about to roar out something, and braced himself for the unbelievable event.
However, it would not surprise him. That, he knew, was a part of it. But Raven was putting his question again, smoothly and tolerantly, as if to a.s.sure him there was time enough to make a well considered reply:
"Just what, in your opinion, is the matter with me?"
"Why," said d.i.c.k, that innocent gaze still upon him, "sh.e.l.l shock."
Raven jumped. Every nerve in him seemed to give a little twitch of pure surprise with every other.
"O Lord!" said he. "Who could ever have expected that? It"s worse than I thought."
"Why, it"s no disgrace," d.i.c.k a.s.sured him eagerly. "Think how many fellows have had it. They haven"t got over it. They"re having it now.
The only thing to do is to recognize it and put yourself under treatment."
"That"ll do," said Raven, with a determined calm. "Your diagnosis has gone far enough. And now I shall have to ask you to do two things for me."
"Two!" d.i.c.k echoed, and Raven, though at the end of his patience, was touched to see the suffused look of the boy"s eyes. "You needn"t cut it down to two. Just you tell me----"
There, though he was poetically eloquent and diffuse in print, he stopped and could literally say no more without an emotion he considered unworthy of him.
"Two things," said Raven. "One is to forget every blamed word of the screed I was jacka.s.s enough to send you. The other is to give me your word you won"t mention it, even to me. Oh, there"s another thing. Go home and burn the thing up."
d.i.c.k"s eyes were all a wild apprehension.
"Oh," said he, "I can"t burn it. I haven"t got it."
"You haven"t it? Who has?"