_An Ornamental Shrubbery near the Lodge of the Hall._
_Enter Peter Bargrove._
_Peter._ What a stupid old woman not to confess, after the stars had told the truth! As to old Bargrove, I will have my revenge upon him.
Beat me! me, Sir Peter"s heir to the property! How confounded strong he is! the old brute! Out of respect to his age, I did not strike him again; but I should like to see, just like to see the next man who will venture to lay his stick across _my_ back. Now I"ll to the Hall, and make myself known to Lady Etheridge. How affected she will be! I"ll lay my life there will be a scene. Who comes here? O, the fict.i.tious heir to the property, Captain Bargrove, as he will find himself in a very short time. I must hold myself rather high; it will prepare him, as it were, for the bad news. Poor fellow!
_Enter Captain Etheridge and Mertoun, from the gates of the Lodge._
_Capt. Eth._ (_holding out his hand_). Hail! Peter, my good fellow! how are you all at home?
_Peter._ (_turning away, and folding his arms_). Pretty well, Captain.
_Capt. Mer._ (_aside_). I say, Etheridge, that"s a dead cut; who is your friend?
_Capt. Eth._ (_astonished_). What"s the matter now? I think, Mr Peter, when I offer my hand, it is not very courteous in you to refuse it.
_Peter._ (_ostentatiously_). Property, Captain, is property. You"ll allow that. My hand is my own, and I have it in possession. You"ll allow that. But there is other property, which at present is not in my possession, but which you will allow to be hereafter. (_Aside._) That"s a hard hit.
_Capt. Mer._ Property is property, Etheridge, and to judge by his manners, your friend must have an excess of it in possession.
_Capt. Eth._ Property is property, but I doubt if my friend has much of it in possession.
_Peter._ No, but I hope to have.
_Capt. Eth._ Well, I hope so too. But what"s the matter with you, Peter?
_Peter._ Excessively familiar!
_Capt. Mer._ Upon my word, Etheridge I wonder at your patience. Who is the brute?
_Peter._ Brute, sir, did you say brute?
_Capt. Mer._ Yes, sir, I did.
_Peter._ Then, sir, if you say brute, I beg to observe to you, sir, that--that----
_Capt. Mer._ What? Well, sir!
_Peter._ That, sir, a brute is a beast, sir----
_Capt. Mer._ Exactly.
_Peter._ And if that"s what you meant, there"s no offence. Now, if you say brute beast----
_Capt. Mer._ Well, sir, I do say so.
_Peter._ You do--you do say so? Well, then, sir, allow me to tell you, in very positive terms, sir, that you have been guilty of--of tautology.
_Capt. Mer._ Your friend is very harmless, Etheridge.
_Capt. Eth._ I am aware of that; but still I was not prepared for this impertinence, considering the obligations he is under to my family.
_Peter._ Obligations, sir, what obligations? Do you refer to the advantages that you had in being educated with me?
_Capt. Eth._ I have ever considered the reverse; and that it was you who had the advantages, had you had sense enough to profit by them.
_Peter._ Now, observe, there"s your mistake.
_Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer._ The fool is mad.
_Peter._ Mad, Captain what"s your name?
_Capt. Eth._ Captain what"s-your-name, Peter, don"t stand insult.
_Peter._ There is no insult. I repeat again, Captain what"s-your-name.
Do you know your name?
_Capt. Eth. to Capt. Mer._ Why, he"s as mad as a March hare.
_Capt. Mer._ Yes, but not so hot as a Welsh rabbit.
_Peter._ A rabbit--that"s a boroughmonger! Now I ought to take that up, it is a downright insult; but perhaps he did not mean it. Captain what"s-your-name, I tell you a secret; you don"t know your own name, no, nor you don"t know your station in life.
_Capt. Eth._ I"m sure you forget yours, Mr Peter. How long has this change taken place?
_Peter._ Ask your nurse. (_Aside._) That was a hard hit; he must smell a rat now.
_Capt. Eth._ Ask my nurse!
_Capt. Mer._ Ask your granny, Etheridge; upon my soul, it"s as good as a play.
_Capt. Eth._ To the audience, perhaps; but I feel rather inclined to be in earnest. Hark you, Mr Peter, do you know I am very particular in payment, and always give every man his due.
_Peter._ That"s it exactly. All that I wish is, that you would give me mine; but if you don"t--I shall oblige you, depend upon it.
_Capt. Mer._ I rather expect he will, Etheridge, if he goes on much longer.
_Peter._ Thank you for taking my part. That"s handsome. Perhaps you will persuade him to do me justice.
_Capt. Mer._ If you had been in my hands, I should have done you justice long before this.
_Peter._ "There"s virtue still extant," as the play has it. Sir, as you have joined my side, I"ll permit you to shake hands with me.
_Capt. Mer._ O certainly! we always do preparatory to a set-to. Now, then, take my advice--on your guard!
_Peter_ (_aside_). Now I don"t fear him. (_Aloud._) Captain what"s-your-name, shall I tell you your fortune?
_Capt. Eth._ O certainly! you look like a conjuror.