"You told me she liked it hard and you wanted to hear her scream, a.s.shole. Don"t waste my time because you can"t stomach the scene."
Erica lowered her hands and Ariel saw a tremor run over her body. "You"re right, this was a mistake." She held a hand down to Ariel, who scrambled to her feet.
"Don"t ever bring your f.u.c.king face back in here, got it?"
Erica nodded tightly and Ariel moved in a daze toward the exit. She shivered even after the coat was around her shoulders, and the condition only worsened when they were outside. They walked toward a busy thoroughfare where Erica successfully waved down a cab.
The silence between them wasn"t so much angry as it was bleak. Erica stared out the window. Ariel tried to distract herself with the lights of the city, then the graceful arc of the Golden Gate Bridge. Yes, she thought, she"d swum under it, had looked up at the pleasure craft and ferries, heard the laughter, and she"d wanted to join that world.
She could not be less than she was. Yet it had never crossed her mind that she could be more than she had been. She was mer, but was that all?
"Did you want to look at the bridge for a bit?"
Erica had noticed Ariel"s craning for a better view. Ariel wasn"t sure if Erica really meant the offer, but after a moment she nodded. She wanted to see it with Erica and wasn"t sure there"d be another chance.
Erica paid the driver to wait and they walked slowly along the brightly lit span. The wind was biting but the view in all directions was breathtaking. Ariel could feel the sea moving hundreds of feet below her. The sea sang to the bridge, the bridge to the wind. It was deeply comforting. She lifted her face to the brief hint of mist.
Erica touched her face gently and Ariel felt a surprising wave of peace. The tenderness in Erica"s touch was equally unexpected, and she turned to look at Erica, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
Erica tried to smile, leaned to kiss her, then burst into wracking sobs.
Ariel had thought human women only lost their essence during the height of s.e.x, but Erica fell to her knees, surrendering to her grief. Arms wrapped around her stomach, she rocked as she cried. Ariel knelt on the ground in front of her and offered her shoulder, but she wasn"t sure that Erica knew it was her.
All my fault, Ariel thought. I set the tidal wave in motion, though it was never my intent.
"I thought I was crazy. I hated you." Erica wiped her face with her hands while her shoulders continued to shake. "I thought we wanted the same thing, that magic yes. All I had to do was figure out how to get you to say it for me again. And everything would be fixed."
Ariel nodded. Yes, they both wanted to lose themselves again, get lost together. Humans made such noise about love, but it seemed to matter nothing without trust. Maybe they were both infected with each other, but Ariel no longer believed that was why she trusted Erica. It had grown over nights in Erica"s arms, of living with Erica"s honesty. Even when Ariel gave all the wrong signals, Erica had kept to what she felt was right: Ariel"s yes.
"Who is she? What did she do to you? Why are you still her prisoner after a year of being away from her? I"ve waited ... and waited . . . and hoped. And teased you until I thought my body would explode. I don"t understand?"
Tears trickled down Ariel"s cheeks. This day was nearly done, and tomorrow night, seconds after midnight, she could explain it all. But Erica seemed to need answers now and Ariel had no way to give them.
Erica cupped Ariel"s face, her hands hot with tears. "I saw your face in the club, Ariel. You"re not into that scene, so I don"t understand why you won"t talk. Why you won"t say yes and let me help you!"
Ariel felt a pang of confusion, a feeling that something wasn"t as she expected. What had she brought Erica besides pain and suffering?
"I know you hurt, Ariel. I know how much. I just want to make it better for you. You don"t have to love me back. But at least let me love you. Just say yes."
Silver on silver, their gazes locked and Ariel felt herself falling into Erica"s depths. Little humans, scratching the surface of the world, puny voices and souls, they have nothing to offer mer. Ariel had always thought those were lies. She didn"t think humans were little, and she proved it by desiring and admiring their s.e.x.
Until that moment, looking into the shining reality of Erica"s inner self, Ariel realized she had never seen Erica for all that she was. She had thought Erica incapable of anything useful but s.e.x.
"Ariel, please, let me help."
Ariel staggered to her feet. She understood none of this, she thought hysterically. How could Erica feel that way? If Erica knew she was dying and Ariel had been the one to infect her, Erica would never want her, never want to help her.
Ariel didn"t deserve that kind of commitment. She was a vapid, empty party girl, with no direction in her long life, no more than any of her kind. They had been born with gifts and guarded them jealously. Humans didn"t deserve the benefits of mer? Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe mer didn"t deserve what humans could give so freely.
Ariel backed away, shaking her head. She couldn"t watch Erica die. Neither could she take any more from Erica than she had. Erica didn"t need Ariel. That Ariel needed Erica was the reason Ariel had come to her. It had always been about what Ariel wanted. Never about Erica.
She could leave, she realized abruptly. She really could. She didn"t want to hurt Erica anymore, and so found the will to go. After nearly a year, what she wanted no longer mattered. She could try to do the right thing, finally, and leave Erica in peace.
She walked away, not toward the cab, but toward the city. Erica did not deserve to be burdened.
"Ariel, please. Don"t go."
She looked back. Erica had risen and was clutching the bridge railing, seemingly dizzy. Ariel wanted to say she was sorry, but was actually glad she could not. It was utterly inadequate.
"I can"t... I can"t lose you again."
With every step Ariel ached more, but she made herself walk on. Weak fool, she cursed herself. She lived without you for a year, and you lasted hardly a day before you crawled to her. Let the queen send me back to the grotto, VII laugh all the way there.
She only turned back because she heard a shout of alarm.
Before she could also cry out, Erica flung herself from the top of the railing, and her body plummeted toward the black onyx of the ocean"s surface.
Ariel ran to the place where Erica had let go, shoving aside the onlookers who had tried to grab Erica back to safety.
She didn"t stop at the railing. She called her magic and flew over the barrier, spreading her body on the wind.
Part 4 She fell, it seemed, for hours, surrounded by wind, mist, and dark broken only by the glitter of stars. Magic spread her thinly over the vapor, and she experienced briefly what it meant to be a bird.
The sea rushed toward her as the desperate magic dissolved, and she knew then what it was to be a stone. The shocking cold of the water claimed her with a violent, numbing blow. For moments she could not breathe, could not tell up from sideways in the black.
But she could hear Erica"s song, ululating through the water like the lament of whales. Erica was alive, but the song was fading.
Ariel swam toward the song. She thought it was down. Every joint in her body felt wrenched, but she pressed on, deeper, where it was cold and the current was merciless.
Ariel... Ariel...
When she saw a flash of silver she knew she had found Erica.
Erica"s eyes were open but vacant. She didn"t struggle as they sank into the close, chilled depths.
Ariel breathed in the sea and exhaled into Erica"s mouth, sharing air and life. She stripped them of useless shoes and the heavy coats, shared air again, and then used Erica"s trousers to tie Erica to her.
They belonged nowhere, not together, not apart. She could not let Erica die this way.
Why save her, the old echoes argued. She is going to die anyway. She"s close-she jumped because she can feel it. You know she"s dying. This might be best. Another day and you will be cured. Let her go. This is quick, nearly painless, she"s nearly gone as it is. If she dies then you will certainly have the cure. You could go home. You should have killed her when you arrived, and been sure of it. She is just a human, after all.
Shut up, Ariel wanted to scream. For a moment the current was so strong and the cold so intense that the insidious voice tempted her. She could just let go. There was no one to know. Erica had jumped, and maybe it was better this way. She could go home, back to her old life.
Ariel began to swim, her strokes desperate against the fierce current. Erica was going to die anyway, and Ariel could not fix that. But she could save Erica now, and in a day at least answer Erica"s questions. She owed Erica answers. It was only fair, only right. She didn"t want Erica to die.
She made little headway against the constrained sea that poured through the narrow straits separating bay and ocean. Erica was a dead weight and sharing air left Ariel dizzy. She swam, holding Erica against her, in black waters, alone and cold. There was no brother orca this time, no little fish or sky mother to guide her.
She is human, and worthy of life, worthy of my protection. Any emotion becomes a bond, something new. And with that I can change. I can be what I warn all from caring for her, for wanting to be with her. I gave her suffering and she gave me back love. She does not deserve to die.
Ariel"s hands and feet were numb before she realized that swimming had grown easier. The tide had changed. It was as if the sea mother took pity, though why was beyond Ariel"s reckoning. She did not deserve such mercy, but Erica did. A current bolstered her weary strokes, and when she had to rest, to breathe for both of them, Ariel felt held up by calm waters.
The beach was sharp with small rocks, and even though she was unconscious, Erica moaned as Ariel dragged her over the stones and out of the water. She had reached the same small cove where she had come ash.o.r.e in her search for Erica. Ariel fought back a moan of despair. They were hours from help. Erica was blue with cold and could not walk. Ariel hardly noticed that her confusion and worry about Erica"s safety was louder in her blood than the infection.
Think, Ariel. You are not a salmon, think!
She used some of her strength on a drying spell and immediately felt better. She looked at Erica"s inert body, and wondered why it wouldn"t work for her as well. Ariel had never heard of mer ever using anything but protective magic against a human, but she now heartily believed that she knew far less about humans than she had ever suspected. She pulled Erica against her and invoked the spell again, giving it more power. To her delight-and relief-it worked. Erica was dry. Another spell for warmth and Erica"s skin began to lose its blue cast. Perhaps, Ariel mused, that was why Erica had survived the fall. Some of Ariel"s magic had caught her as well, easing the impact with the water.
She needed to get Erica home, fill her stomach with something hot. She seemed so fragile now. Where once Ariel had felt small next to Erica, now she felt, if not larger, certainly stronger. Moving on land was not easy, however, and the prospect of carrying Erica anywhere was daunting.
She had magic she could have used all along, she reminded herself, but she"d been selfish and helpless, thinking only of the next minute, the next hour. She had not lost her magic, she scolded herself, but she"d obviously lost every ounce of sense.
There was no help to be had above sea, and she could not carry Erica. Leaving Erica for a moment, Ariel waded into the water. The tide eddied around her calves as she thought only of Erica"s limp form and how desperately she did not want Erica to die.
When a small mouth nudged her foot she nearly yelped in surprise, but she recognized the touch and had to smile. Unlikely help, but the offer was kind.
The tiny turtle slowly poked its head above water. It could have been cousin to any of those in the pond. Ariel touched the spotted sh.e.l.l, then carefully lifted the creature until her silver eyes could look directly into the turtle"s black ones. Thank you, but I fear land is as unkind to you as me.
Moonlight broke through the thin clouds as the turtle continued its calm regard. For a moment, her vision dazzled, Ariel thought she saw something quite different on her palm. She would never have thought of something so audacious, but if the turtle was willing to try, perhaps the sea mother would pity them all.
She smoothed one damp finger along the fragile green throat and sought wisdom in the old eyes. Was that a wink? Perhaps. We"ll try, Ariel thought. I"m the queen"s blood, after all, sick though I may be.
She thought of everything she had ever learned, or ever seen done. Her mother could do this, and she was certain Barwen could as well. They"d say it was simple illusion. The turtle was still a turtle. All that mattered was what Ariel and Erica believed.
She set the little creature safely in the sand at her feet, squeezed her eyes shut and invoked the only spell she thought might work. Then-like a foolish youngling-she was afraid to open her eyes to see what had happened.
There was soft noise, a whicker of h.e.l.lo. Ariel"s eyes flew open and she looked in amazement at the mare with wise black eyes that stood gazing at her. More mist than substance, the mare tossed her light green mane, as beautiful as any creature in Erica"s photo alb.u.ms.
Erica stirred, then rolled to her side, coughing. "Where are we?"
Kelp if I know, Ariel wanted to say. The mare whickered again and Erica abruptly glanced up.
"How did..." Erica staggered to her feet. "Where did she come from?"
The mare nudged Erica"s head, then licked her hair. With a helpless laugh, Erica put her arms around the horse"s neck.
Ariel felt washed over with an emotion she could not name. She had seen Erica pa.s.sionate, angry, bitter, hurt, devastated, but this was completely new. Erica was happy, radiantly so. Whatever she had made Erica feel, Ariel knew it had had nothing of this kind of simple joy in it.
Was this regret she felt? Pity? What could this feeling be that it hurt so to know she had never made Erica laugh? s.e.x was one kind of pleasure, but-a concept so foreign that Ariel thought for a moment the world was revolving backward-s.e.x was not the only pleasure that nourished. Erica was glowing and Ariel wished she was the reason. But it wasn"t her. It was the horse"s breath and tickling nose. An animal could make Erica happier than Ariel ever would.
"How did we get here? I don"t remember. There was that club, but we left."
Ariel took a deep breath. How could she pantomime anything that would make sense? Erica, however, didn"t seem to expect an answer.
"Oh, Ariel, look at her." Erica ran her hands over the horse"s neck. "She"s beautiful, isn"t she? Eerie color in the moonlight, but she"s a lot like Sea Foam, one of my favorites. Is she going to take us home?"
Ariel nodded. Erica"s face was alight with joy as she led the mare to a rock. Scrambling up, she looked as if all her worries and pain were a thing of the past.
She extended a hand down to Ariel, then lifted her lightly to perch in front of her. "I think we"ll have to call her Sea Foam, don"t you?"
Ariel nodded, then clutched Erica tightly as the mare ambled toward the road.
Hooves sounded incredibly loud in the night. In a matter of minutes Ariel felt as if she"d been thoroughly jolted in every possible direction. Erica murmured something and her hips moved against Ariel"s a.s.s in a way that was almost s.e.xual. Sea Foam tossed her head and broke into a happy canter. Erica laughed into the night and the happiness of her inner song washed over Ariel like a healing wave.
They flowed toward home as if they rode a landward tide. Erica was holding her tight and Ariel felt that indefinable feeling again, rich and magical, but not any kind of magic she"d ever experienced before. She had never suspected that a human woman could be so strong, so deep, so resilient. Just because their lives were short did not make them weak, did it?
Had she dwelled her entire life in pretty, sparkling shallows? Only now, after a year of living in Erica"s sphere was Ariel aware that this silent, painful life was still better than her life before, better because Erica was near.
Erica"s strength had shown her that there could be light in spite of dark, laughter because of tears, even love where there had only been obsession. Erica had only despaired because of Ariel. Ariel would change a thousand turtles into horses if that would ease Erica"s pain.
Their journey seemed edged in magic, though Ariel had never felt more human. What seemed hours later Erica opened the gates, and Sea Foam trotted up the drive to the house.
Ariel slid to the ground, holding back a moan of discomfort. Her back and thighs screamed with red hot cramps. She had barely enough time to steady herself when Erica tumbled after her.
"G.o.d, I hurt," Erica whispered hoa.r.s.ely. "It has been so long since I"ve had that much fun, but I"m going to feel this for days."
Ariel tugged Erica"s arm, wanting her in the house where it was warm and there was something to eat.
"We have to rub down the horse," Erica murmured.
Sea Foam pranced away a few steps, then lowered her head to nudge Erica"s face. She likewise nuzzled at Ariel, fixing her with a long, solemn gaze.
Ariel nodded. A debt was owed, and she would repay it someday if she could.
Sea Foam lifted her head to the stars as she turned to gallop toward the gate.
"Where is she going?" Erica tried to stumble after the departing horse, but Ariel held her back. In the distance there was a whinny of glee, then the sound of hooves faded into the night. Ariel realized that the horizon was glimmering with the coming dawn.
They walked back to the house in the rising light and Ariel realized that this was her last day of silence. Tonight she would get the cure, and she would tell Erica everything, every bitter and hard truth. I"ll stay, she thought. Not because she needs me or because it"s the right thing to do, but because I feel more and am better when she is near.
She was vaguely aware of the hot shower and warm sheets. Erica was kissing her lovingly, softly, and spreading lotion on her raw thighs and pelvis. The sensation of Erica"s slick fingers brought a cascade of shivers that began at the top of Ariel"s head. She felt so much, and it was so confusing. Ariel wanted to weep, but not from pain. Erica had to be exhausted, but she was making the effort to be gentle and thorough in the care of Ariel"s hurts.
I haven"t earned this, Ariel thought. I don"t understand.
It felt so good that she realized with a shock she was close to a very different kind of peaking than she had ever experienced before. Words wanted to spill out of her mouth. She wasn"t sure she had the strength to stop them any longer. It felt so right, so easy, so safe. She wanted to moan as she closed her eyes with a deep, silent sigh. Never once had it crossed her mind she could make Erica"s life better in any way except s.e.x. Likewise she had never considered that Erica had more than s.e.x to offer her.
Safe, warm, loved... Oblivion swept over her with the soothing peace of a tropical sea.
She woke with a start, and Erica"s arms were instantly around her.
"It"s okay, I"m here. I"ve just been watching you sleep."
The dream slipped away from recalling and Ariel sighed into Erica"s arms. Watery sunlight of late afternoon spilled through Erica"s windows. She stared drowsily up at Erica, who looked as if she"d been up for some time. But the light also revealed deep hollows under Erica"s eyes, and a yellowish cast to her skin. She had probably not eaten, Ariel worried, and the traumas of last night had taken a heavy toll.
"For a long time I haven"t wanted to be alive the way I did when I woke up this morning. I have been bitter about everything I lost, but this morning I wanted to move on, finally. Then I saw myself in the mirror." Erica swallowed hard. "I"m dying, aren"t I?"
Stunned, Ariel stared into Erica"s eyes until she couldn"t hold her gaze any longer. It was a minute before she remembered to breathe.
"You"re like..." Erica put her hand on Ariel"s heart. "You"re like an angel come to watch over me."