CHAPTER 8.
UNFORTUNATELY, AS IN ALL GARDENS OF Eden, there were a few snakes. During that first month there were two problems that we did not seem able to lick.
The first problem was perhaps not as major as it felt. Despite all her progress, Sheila steadfastly refused to do paperwork. The instant a piece of paper was given to her, she destroyed it. Occasionally under dire threat from Anton or me, she would not tear it up immediately but actually appear to be working on it. However, it never reached the correction basket. Partway through she would rip it to shreds or scribble over it or crumple it into a tight little wad, stuffing it under the radiator or into the rabbit"s cage to be eaten.
I tried any number of methods to stop her. I taped the work to the table so that she could not get it up. Then she simply scribbled over it until it tore. I put it into plastic folders. She would sit before it and refuse to pick up her crayon. On one occasion, she even ate the crayon. I tried using workbooks. But they were more expensive and I got angrier when they were ruined in one sitting. I tried Mrs. Barthuly"s technique of laminating, since we had no air conditioner. It was a costly, time-consuming alternative and when presented with one, Sheila would just sit, refusing to do anything. I put the work on the chalkboard. She would erase it when I wasn"t looking. There was not a method I could think of that she could not foil.
Sheila was not selective. If it required a written answer, she would not touch it This included all the academics, coloring sheets and even art projects. She had no objection to oral work or even letting Anton or Whitney or me fill out a paper for her. But she would not do it herself.
Needless to say, this caused considerable friction between us. I tried all my tricks. I sent her to the quiet corner. But she would sit motionless and soundless for such a long time that I felt that was not solving the problem. I did not want her to miss too much of the program simply sitting in a chair. Unlike the first week when the quiet corner provided a means of getting control of her behavior, this did not. The quiet corner was not intended as punishment. So I was not concerned when the children sat there crying or struggling. They were out of control and trying to regain it. But when the child simply went there and sat, it became punishment. Occasionally a few minutes of punishment were warranted, but not long stretches at a time. So if I sent her to the corner and she went and was still not willing to do paperwork after twenty minutes of sitting, I let it drop. My winning the power struggle was not so important as keeping her active and partic.i.p.ating in cla.s.s. Moreover, I was concerned that something else lay behind her refusal to do paperwork. Unless she were angry, there was little else Sheila refused to do outrightly. We had long ago settled who was boss in the cla.s.sroom and I did not feel she was testing. She went to ridiculous heights to please me in other ways, so it did not make sense to me that she was holding out on this one thing simply to irk me.
But admittedly the behavior did. And not just a little. I became obsessed with it after the third week, storming into the teachers" lounge and raging at the other teachers after school. At night Chad bore the brunt of my frustrations. Finally, one day, in desperation, I dittoed one worksheet off on a whole ream of paper. I maneuvered Sheila over to a table and sat her down at math. I decided that if we had to sit there until Valentine"s Day and go through all 500 copies, we would.
"We"re going to do this math worksheet today, Sheila. All I want is this one sheet and it"s got easy problems on it."
She looked at me distrustfully. "I don"t wanna do that."
"Well, it isn"t your choice today." I tapped the paper on the table agitatedly with one finger. "Come on, let"s get started."
She sat staring at me. I could tell she was leery of the situation. I had never forced her in such a direct confrontation and she did not seem to be able to tell what to expect from me. Inside myself my own irritation was clenching my organs. My stomach was tight and knotted, my heart beating rapidly. For a split second I wanted to retreat, but my anger over all these weeks of refusal overwhelmed me.
"Do it." I could hear my voice louder and sharper in my ears than I wanted it to be. I reached over and grabbed a pencil, shoving it into her hand. "I said do the paper. Now do it, Sheila."
She wadded up the first paper. I carefully straightened it out and taped it down to the table. Sheila gouged it out with the pencil. Grimly we struggled, me putting out new copies, Sheila ripping at them. Math period pa.s.sed and the litter of destroyed dittos deepened around our chairs. The others rose for freetime. Sheila glanced around in concern. Freetime was her favorite period and already she noticed Tyler was getting out the little toy people she liked to play with.
"Finish this paper and you can go," I stated, taping a new one down. I had swallowed my anger but a subdued sort of frenzy remained, causing my pulse to continue to run faster.
Sheila was losing patience with me. Angry little grunts were coming out with her heavy breaths. We went through another half-dozen copies of the worksheet. Moving my chair close to hers I pinned her in her chair against the table. Then I taped down a new sheet. Holding down her free hand, I took her other in mine. "I"ll help you, Sheila, if you can"t do it by yourself," I said doggedly. I could feel perspiration soaking my shirt.
Sheila began to scream, cutting loose with an earsplitting yell. Thankfully she was left-handed as I was, so I could move her hand. I asked her the answer to the first problem. At first she refused to say but then angrily shouted it out. I pushed her hand along the paper, writing a 3. Sheila struggled violently, trying to knock loose my hold of her chair, trying to bite me. Second problem now. Again I dragged the answer out of her and forced her to write it.
We struggled the rest of freetime and finished the paper with her screaming protests and me forcing her hand. The second I let go, she scrabbled the paper up from the tape and shredded it before I could catch her hands. Angrily she threw the paper in my face and broke away from my hold, knocking over the chair. Running to the other side of the cla.s.sroom she turned to glower at me.
"I HATE YOU!" she screamed as loudly as possible. The other children were finishing their snacks and getting ready for recess, but they paused, watching us. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Then her frustration with me overpowered her and she stood shrieking wordlessly from her corner behind the animal cages.
Anton cleared the other kids out to recess, but I remained sitting at the table. Expecting her to go off into one of her destructive rages, I was poised to catch her. But she didn"t. After a few moments she regained her composure and stopped screaming. However, she remained across the room, staring at me reproachfully. She seemed on the verge of tears, her mouth turned down, her chin quivering. I was beginning to feel like a first-cla.s.s heel. Her disappointment in me for behaving so antagonistically was bright in her eyes. As I watched her, I knew I had done the wrong thing. I had been desperate, my teacher"s instinct to get work accomplished on paper having overcome my better sense. But I shouldn"t have let that happen. It had been wrong. I hated myself for allowing such an unimportant thing rule me.
I regarded her. Bad feelings rippled through me, recriminations, self-doubt. Had I destroyed our relationship? We had been doing so well in the three weeks since she had come. Had I screwed it all up in one morning? She watched me. For long, eternal moments we looked at each other in silence.
Slowly Sheila came toward me. Her eyes were still on me all the time, big, wary, accusing eyes. She came over to the far edge of the table. Tracing an invisible design on the smooth top, she studied it before looking back up at me. "You not be very nice to me." Her voice was heavy with feeling.
"No, I guess I wasn"t, was I?" I felt the silence again. "I"m sorry, Sheila. I shouldn"t have done that."
"You shouldn"t oughta be mean to me. I be one of your kids."
"I"m sorry. I just got upset because you never do papers. I just wanted you to do papers like everyone else does. It makes me mad that you won"t ever do them because it is important to me that you do. I got angry."
She studied me carefully. Her lower lip was shoved out and her eyes were hurt-looking, but she sidled closer. "Do you still like me?"
"Of course I still like you."
"But you be mad at me and yell."
"Sometimes people get mad. Even at people they like a lot. It doesn"t mean they stop liking them. They"re just mad. And after a while the anger goes away and they still like each other. I like you as much as ever."
She pressed her lips together. "I don"t really hate you."
"I know that. You were just angry like I was."
"You yell at me. I don"t like you to yell at me like that. It hurts my ears."
"Look, kitten, I was wrong. I"m sorry. But I can"t make it not happen because it already did. I"m sorry. For right now we won"t worry about paperwork. We"ll do it some other time when you feel like it."
"I ain"t never going to feel like it."
My shoulders sagged with discouragement. "Well, then maybe we"ll never do any."
She looked at me quizzically. "There gotta be paperwork."
I sighed tiredly. "Not really, I suppose. There are things more important. Besides, maybe someday you will feel like it. We"ll do it then."
And so I gave up the paperwork war. Or at least the battle.
I can never understand what it is about being human that allows one to become fixed on small matters and think the world will collapse if things don"t go just the way one wants them. Once I got that struggle out of my system, I could never understand why it had been so important to me. But for those first few weeks, it had.
The second problem Sheila presented was much more serious and much less easily resolved. She had a keenly developed sense of revenge that knew no limits. When crossed or taken advantage of, Sheila retaliated with devastating force. Her intelligence made it all the more frightening because she could perceive quickly what was valuable to a person and that was what she abused to get back for being wronged. When Sarah kicked snow on her at recess, Sheila systematically destroyed all of Sarah"s artwork around the room. For art-loving Sarah this was crushing. Anton got angry with Sheila running in the halls to lunch one day and she returned afterwards and throttled all the baby gerbils Anton had brought to school that morning on loan from his son. Her cold, clear-eyed appraisal of everyone"s sensitivities left me chilled.
But it went beyond destroying papers or even baby gerbils. It was calculated and long-abiding, and often over events which were not intentional. Sheila had to be watched every second. Even when we did think we were watching her carefully, she managed to get away from us.
Lunch hour was the most dangerous time of day. Neither Anton nor I wanted to give up our only break to police Sheila constantly. The lunch aides were clearly still frightened of her, although they did supervise her once more.
One day while Anton and I were in the teachers" lounge finishing up our sandwiches, one of the aides came shrieking in to us, Sheila"s name spilling out incoherently. Having nightmares of a repeat of the first day, we dashed out after her as she left.
Sheila had gotten into one of the other teachers" rooms. In a short period of time, only ten or fifteen minutes, she destroyed the room completely. All the student desks were awry or knocked over, personal belongings strewn about. The window blinds were pulled down, books were out of the bookcase, the screen of one of the teaching machines was shattered. I could not have dreamed of further destruction in such a short time.
I yanked open the door. "Sheila!" She whirled around, her eyes dark and forbidding. A pointer was clutched in one hand. "Drop that!"
She stared at me for a long moment but let the pointer drop. She had been with us three weeks. By now she knew when I meant business. If I could get her to drop what she was doing and come over to me, I could take her out calmly. I knew better than to spook her so that she would flee. She would do more damage if she bolted and would become so frightened that she could not be reasoned with. She already had that wild-animal, frenzied look in her eye and I realized how tenuous her hold on control was.
However, as I looked around the room at the disaster, I could not imagine what we were going to do. I was flooded with discouragement at the fact that she would do this kind of thing, that I had let it happen. Sitting in the quiet corner hardly seemed adequate to cover hundreds of dollars" damage. This was also not my room. It was somebody else"s. So I knew the matter was out of my hands.
By the time I had coaxed Sheila over to the door, Mr. Collins and the teacher, Mrs. Holmes, whose room this was, were behind me. When I finally got hold of Sheila"s hand, Mr. Collins began to roar.
I suppose he roared with very good reason. But I knew what his solution to the problem was going to include. Mr. Collins was of the old school where most infractions were cured, or at least helped, by the paddle. He took hold of Sheila"s arm. I already had her by the overall strap and did not let go.
We eyed each other, neither of us speaking. Sheila was stretched out between us.
I could not let him take her. Not after all this time of rea.s.suring her that she could never be hurt here. There had been too many spankings in her past already. And too many people who had broken their promises. I could not let this happen.
Still the princ.i.p.al and I did not speak. However, that did not diminish the strength of the challenge. Under my fingers on her shoulder, I could feel the tenseness of Sheila"s muscles.
When he finally did speak, Mr. Collins" voice came out in a hoa.r.s.e whisper pushed between gritted teeth. He made it clear that not only was Sheila going down to the office for a paddling but I was coming along as witness.
Oh cripes, I was thinking. All I wanted to do was argue with him while Sheila was strung out between us, like two dogs fighting over a bone. But there wasn"t much choice. I could not agree with him. Certainly I did not want Sheila to think I did.
We were hissing back and forth, one- or two-word responses mostly. He was losing patience with me.
"So help me G.o.d, Miss Hayden, you come with me right now or you"re not going to have a job by the time this day is out. I don"t care what I have to do. Is that clear?"
I stared at him. All sorts of things came into my head then. I had tenure. I belonged to the union. He had no power to fire me. Those things all came to me, but on a very academic level. What came at gut level was fear. What would happen to me if I got fired? Could I ever find another teaching job in town? Who would take care of my cla.s.s? I had a history of rash and impulsive actions. Was this going to be one more? And what for? A kid bound for the state hospital? Here I was about to lose my job over a kid I"d barely known three weeks, who sooner or later would be elsewhere anyway, and who by all accounts wasn"t very important to anybody anyhow. What would everyone think if I lost my job? Would Chad still want me? How would I explain it to my mom? What would people think? For the worst excuse of all, I let go of that overall strap.
Mr. Collins turned and took Sheila down the hall. I followed at a distance and felt like Benedict Arnold. Yet maybe they were right. I had lost control in a major way twice in three weeks with this kid. Maybe she did need a state hospital placement. I did not know. This had gotten to be more than I could manage.
I flopped into a chair in Mr. Collins" office. Sheila was calm. Far calmer than I. She came in beside Mr. Collins and stood complacently, not looking at me and not making any sound. Mr. Collins shut the door. From his desk drawer he took out a long paddle. Sheila did not flinch as he sized it up next to her.
I was bitter. Why did he have to have such neolithic methods of education? What kind of man was he? A l.u.s.ty, full-bodied hate rose in me. How could he do this to me? How could I let him? After all my rea.s.surances to her that I did not whip kids, what would she think of me now? What would I think of myself, now that I knew when the going got rough I would opt for my own skin?
Through the chaos in my own-head, I was suddenly and deeply touched by Sheila"s innocent courage. She glanced at me briefly and then looked back at Mr. Collins. She looked very much like any other six-year-old just then. Her lips were parted to reveal the gaps where teeth had fallen out. Her eyes were wide and round, the fear in them disguised enough so that if one had not known her, one would not have recognized it for what it was. I saw the little white and orange duck barrettes in her hair and thought how much she liked them. Those were her favorites, her lucky clips, she told me one day. Well, your luck"s run out this time, kid, I thought. Like so many other times before. The duck clips seemed obscene in this place.
She stood so staunchly; no six-year-old should be able to do that. I wondered how often a board had been shown to her. Yet about her persisted such a little child"s innocence; the duck barrettes, the long, impossibly straight hair not quite captured in pigtails, the worn overalls. I felt like crying. But the tears would be for myself for finding out I did not have the kind of strength that she had.
My viscera crinkled. This should not be happening.
But it was. Mr. Collins stated flatly that he had had it. Did she know what she had done? No response. She might even be suspended from school, he said. I knew the lecture was as much for my benefit as Sheila"s. We were both being put in our places. He told her she was getting three whacks of the board. She had sucked her lips between her teeth. She watched him without blinking.
"Lean over and grab your ankles."
She stared without moving.
"Lean over and take hold of your ankles, Sheila."
She did not move.
"If I have to tell you one more time, I"ll add another whack. Now bend over."
"Sheila, please," I said. "Please do as he says."
Still no response. Her eyes flickered toward mine a moment.
Mr. Collins yanked her down roughly and with a whoosh the board hit her. She fell on her knees on that first whack, but her face remained unchanged. Mr. Collins lifted her back to her feet. Again came the whack. Again she fell to her knees. The last two whacks she stood up and did not fall. But not a sound came out of her, not a tear came to her eyes. I could tell this had infuriated Mr. Collins.
I sat watching, numbed. After all my rea.s.surance to her, it had come to this. I had worked so hard, so d.a.m.ned hard on this kid. I normally never let myself fully realize how much I invested in the children. Like the little fears and discouragements that I kept shooing out of consciousness during day-to-day living, I also spooked away into hiding how much the kids really meant to me. Because I knew that if I was aware, I would feel even more disheartened when my kids failed. Or when I did. That was what burned so many people out in this business: knowing they cared too much. So I tried not to see it. I was a dreamer. But my dream was a very expensive one. For all of us.
Mr. Collins had me sign a witness form that I had been present when he had paddled her. Then wearily I took Sheila"s hand and we went down the hall.
I did not know what to do next. My head was spinning. When I got to the cla.s.sroom door, I peered through the window. Anton had started afternoon activities and Whitney was there. Things seemed peaceful enough. I looked down at Sheila. "We need to talk, kiddo."
Knocking on the door, I waited for Anton to answer. When he arrived, I explained that I wanted to be alone with Sheila a little while, that too much had happened and I needed to get some things straightened out. I asked if he thought he and Whitney could manage while we were gone. He nodded with a smile. So I left them, one uneducated migrant worker and a fourteen-year-old kid, in charge of eight crazy children. The ludicrousness of the situation struck me and I almost laughed. But I could find no laughter in me just then.
I ended up taking Sheila into a book closet because I could not find anywhere else we could be alone undisturbed. I hauled in two teensy chairs, turned on the light and sat down, shutting the door behind me. For a long moment we stared at each other.
"Why on earth do you do those things?" I asked, my discouragement ringing clearly in my voice.
"You ain"t gonna make me talk."
"Oh geez, Sheila, come off it. I can"t play games with you. Now don"t do that to me." I could not tell if she were angry or what. Inwardly, I wanted to apologize to her for having given in and letting Mr. Collins take her. But I did not do it. The need was more mine, I wanted to be forgiven.
We regarded each other without talking and the silence seemed to draw into eternity. Finally I shook my head and sighed wearily. "Look, that whole thing didn"t turn out so well. I"m sorry."
Still silence. She would not talk to me. Her gaze was unwavering and I had to look away. Outside the door of the book closet I could hear cla.s.ses getting ready for recess, noisy and rambunctious, such that they thudded against the door. Inside it was so quiet no one would ever know we were in there.
I looked at her. Looked away. Looked back. She stared. "Good G.o.d, Sheila, what is it you want out of me?"
The pupils in her eyes dilated. "Are you mad at me?"
"You could say that, yes. I"m just a little mad at everybody right now."
"You gonna whip me?"
My shoulders sagged. "No, I"m not. Like I told you a million times now, I don"t whip kids."
"Why not?"
I looked at her in dismal disbelief. "Why should I? It doesn"t help any, does it?"
"It helps me."
"Does it? Does it really, Sheila? Did what Mr. Collins just do to you help you?"
"My Pa," she said softly, "he says it be the only way to make me decent. He whips me and I must be betterer, "cause he ain"t never leaved me on no highway like my Mama done."
My heart melted. I certainly hadn"t intended it to. I had been so angry at her for all this trouble she had caused. But my heart melted when she spoke. Jesus, I thought, what did this kid expect out of people. I reached an arm out to her. "Come here, Sheil, and let me hold you."
Willingly she came, climbing up into my lap clumsily like a toddler. She wrapped her arms around my ribs and clutched me tightly. I pressed her close. I was doing it as much for myself as I was for her because I didn"t know what to do. G.o.d Almighty, I hurt inside.
What were we going to do? She had to stop this destructiveness, that went without saying. But how? What were a bunch of tipped-over desks and broken window shades against a little girl? Even if she had done a million dollars" worth of damage, what was that against a life? If they sent her out of the school, suspended her, she wouldn"t come back. I had been in the business long enough to know that. Sooner or later, it would be off to the state hospital as planned. What then? What chance did a six-year-old have of coming out of a state hospital to live a normal life? I doubted it had ever happened. We"d lose her, without most of us even realizing she had been there at all. This bright, creative little girl who had never had a chance at life, would never get one. Were a bunch of lousy desks worth that much?
"What"re we gonna do, Sheila?" I asked, rocking her in my arms. "You just can"t keep doing these sorts of things and I don"t know how to stop you."
"I won"t do it again."
"I wish you wouldn"t. But let"s not make any promises we can"t keep just now, okay? I just want you to tell me why you did it to begin with. I want to understand that."
"I dunno. I do be awful mad at her. She yell at me at lunch and it not be my fault. It be Susannah"s fault but she yell at me. I be mad." Her voice quivered. "Do they gonna make me go away?"
"I don"t know, honey."