I waved a hand at him. "That"s okay, Anton. I"m all right." He nodded and left us.
For a long moment Sheila regarded me, her eyes flooded with concern. The tears remained unfallen in my own but I could not make them go away. Nor could I bring myself to look at her. I was embarra.s.sed to show such shaky composure and I was worried about frightening her.
But she stood apart watching me. Then slowly she came over and sat beside me. Touching my hand tentatively, she spoke. "Maybe if I hold your hand, you"ll feel better. Sometimes that helps me."
I smiled at her. "You know, kid, I love you. Don"t ever forget that. If the time ever comes and you"re alone or scared or anything else bad ever happens, don"t forget I love you. Because I do. That"s really all one person can do for another."
Her brow wrinkled. She did not understand what I was saying. I suppose I knew she wouldn"t because she was so young. But I had to say it. I had to know, for my own peace of mind, that I had told her I had done my best.
I rolled over on the bed to look at Chad. We had been watching TV all evening and not talking. I was too preoccupied to concentrate on conversation. At first I had not even told him the particulars of what had happened; but as the evening wore on, my mind was coming out of the first haze of shock and beginning to tick again.
"Chad?"
He looked in my direction.
"Is there a legal way to contest what they plan to do with Sheila?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you know. Is there a legal way to fight the commitment? I mean could someone like me do it? Someone who isn"t her guardian?"
"You fight it?"
"Someone has to. I think the school district would back me. Maybe."
"I suppose you could try."
I frowned. "My problem is that I can"t figure out where to start. To whom do we appeal? The courts committed her and you can"t take a court to court, can you? I don"t have any idea how to go about this."
"I imagine you"d have to call a hearing with her father and the parents of the little boy she abused and the child protection workers and all that. You could go through due process. You know all that."
I did not know. I had about as much understanding of the judicial system as I did the theory of relativity. But I hated Chad to think so. "Would you take it on, Chad?"
His eyebrows shot up. "Me?"
I nodded.
"I don"t know anything about that kind of thing. What you need is someone specializing in that sort of law. Gripes, Tor, my experience is confined to getting the drunks out of jail."
I smiled. "Your experience and my bank account are about equal. I"m supposing that if I advocate, I"ll have to pay for it."
Chad rolled his eyes. "Another charity case, huh?" He grinned. "I guess no one ever promised me I"d get rich."
"Oh, someday you will. Just not this year."
When the superintendent of school discovered that I had engaged a lawyer to look into the case, there was a meeting scheduled immediately. For the first time I met Mrs. Barthuly, Sheila"s former teacher, face-to-face. She was a pet.i.te woman in her early forties with a delicate smile. As all five-foot-nine-inches of me in my Levi"s and tennis shoes towered over her, I could well imagine Sheila might have been a trial to her. She wore an Anne Klein scarf and platform shoes and looked like a model for a Chanel No. 5 advertis.e.m.e.nt on television. Smelly, earthy-minded Sheila must have been hard to contend with.
Ed Somers was also there, as well as Allan, the psychologist, Mr. Collins, Anton, the superintendent and the resource room teacher who had had Sheila in kindergarten the year before. In the beginning it was not a particularly comfortable meeting for me. Not knowing my relationship with Chad, the superintendent felt that I had overstepped my boundaries in consulting a lawyer on this case without going through him. Perhaps he was right. I explained that I had discussed the matter with Ed and he felt there was no way we could touch the case, so I had simply checked into the legal recourse available.
Despite our touchy start, once the meeting got underway, a transition took place. I had brought along examples of Sheila"s schoolwork and some videotapes that Anton had made of her in cla.s.s. Allan reported on the test results. Sheila"s former teachers were impressed and said so. Even Mr. Collins, whom I feared would be angry about this next example in a long history of my impulsive acts, commented on the overall improvement in Sheila"s behavior. Unexpectedly, I felt a rash of affection toward him as he spoke.
The superintendent was less enthusiastic, saying that this really wasn"t our matter because of the abuse incident. Yet he was encouraged by Sheila"s progress and by her unusual IQ. He cautiously agreed to stand behind me in stating that the state hospital was not the most appropriate placement for Sheila and that he thought she could be maintained in the public school system without endangering the other students. He asked that Chad come in and see him. Despite the superintendent"s attempt to keep the mood of the meeting low-key, I left in jubilant spirits.
The other major person to involve was Sheila"s father. Anton went on scouting duty. The next time he saw the man home, Anton called me, and Chad and I came out immediately.
As the time before, Sheila"s father had been drinking. He had had a bit more this second time and was a little jollier.
"Sheila doesn"t belong in the state hospital," I explained. "She"s doing very nice work in school and I think she might even be able to go back to a regular cla.s.s next fall."
He tipped his head slightly. "Why do you care what they want to do with her?"
The question echoed in my head, a repeat of what Sheila so often asked me. Why did I care? "You"ve got a special daughter," I replied. "Going to the state hospital would be the wrong move for her. I don"t want to see that happen to her because I think she can lead a normal life."
"She"s crazy as a loon, that girl is. They told you what she done, didn"t they? She d.a.m.n near burned that little kid to death."
"She doesn"t need to be crazy. She"s not. Even now, she"s not crazy. But she will be if she goes down there. It"d get worse in the long run. You don"t want your daughter down in the state hospital."
He heaved a great sigh. He did not understand me. All his life people had been after him. Things had always gone wrong. He"d been in trouble, Sheila had been in trouble. He had learned to trust n.o.body. And so had his daughter. In their world it was safer that way. Now I came and he could not understand.
We talked far into the night. Chad and Anton drank beer with him while I made notes. Sheila, who was keeping her usual vigil on us from the far corner, fell asleep on the floor while we talked. I did not know if she understood why I was there and what was going on. I had not told her anything specific because I did not want to frighten her needlessly, nor did I want to give her false hopes.
But after that night I suspected she would know. It would be better in the end, I supposed.
Her father agreed with us eventually. At last we convinced him that it was not "charity" or "do-gooding" or a nasty trick. He began to perceive the real reasons, which I had trusted he would if we persisted long enough. I had trusted that he did have some paternal instinct under that crust. In his own way, he loved Sheila and needed as much compa.s.sion as she did.
That was a strange evening. All of us were a little tipsy. Chad with his experience of defending the skid-row residents seemed to get along with Sheila"s father better than the rest of us. He and her father would slap each other"s backs in boozy camaraderie when I tried to get the conversation back onto the track and then they"d ply Anton and me with another can of beer. In a way, I was glad the hospital situation came up. It forced us to recognize each other"s places in Sheila"s life; that was better for everybody.
The hearing was held on the very last day of March. It was a dark, cold, windy day, promising snow on the eve of April. Not a good day to boost spirits. I had to take the afternoon off from school as did Anton. Mr. Collins came with us too. Surprisingly, in my opinion, he was very supportive of me, coming into my room in the morning and talking in a warm, fatherly way. Of all the people I had encountered, I would have least expected this change in him, because I had nursed a childish one-dimensional picture of him since the incident in Mrs. Holmes" room. At first I was suspicious of him, wondering what prompted this change, if he were simply protecting his own interests. But as I aired out some of the closed portions of my own mind I came to see that he cared in his own way as much for the children as I. Even for Sheila.
It was a closed hearing. Across the room from us were the parents of the little boy and their lawyer. Milling about were a mult.i.tude of state and county people. With us were Anton, Allan, Mrs. Barthuly, Ed, and the superintendent. Sheila"s father arrived late, but he did come finally and he was sober. My heart ached seeing him. He had on a suit that must have been a reject from Goodwill. The seams were frayed, the jacket stained and worn, the pants mended. His huge belly pulled the jacket tight and made it gape, straining on the b.u.t.tons. Obviously, though, he had tried to look nice. His face was freshly shaven and he reeked of dime-store after-shave.
Outside the courtroom on a hard oak bench sat Sheila. Chad felt it would be best if she could be there. He thought perhaps he might need her if things did not go smoothly.
Sheila had come dressed in her overalls and T-shirt. I had so wished we could have dressed her nicely, but time had run out. So over the lunch hour I had given her a very thorough bath in the sink and brushed her hair until it was neat and shiny. If nothing else, she was clean. She had to sit alone outside the courtroom so we had brought a number of books to entertain her. However, when the judge found out that the child in question was being left unattended, he sent a court clerk out to sit with her.
The hearing went much differently from what I had expected. I had never been in a court before and all my information came from television. But this was not like TV. The lawyers spoke quietly and each of us presented our material. I had brought along the videotapes to ill.u.s.trate Sheila"s growth in my cla.s.sroom in the three months she had been with us. Allan reiterated his findings from the tests. Ed spoke of the possible programs for her in the public schools should she continue to need special services after my cla.s.s.
Then the parents of the little boy were questioned about the incident in November. Sheila"s father was asked about how carefully he watched his daughter and if, in his opinion, she had seemed to improve in the last months. It was a very quiet hearing. No one raised a voice. No one even appeared emotionally involved. It was so different from what I had expected.
Then we were all asked to leave the courtroom while the lawyers and the judge finished up the case. I was so proud of Chad. Despite our long, enduring relationship, I had never seen him work professionally. Now in front of me I saw a different man from the one I knew lounging on the bed in front of the TV. He seemed so sure of himself, so at ease in the court surroundings. I was so proud of him for taking on the ha.s.sle of a case he knew would never earn him any money and for taking my bewildered queries and turning them into a real chance to keep Sheila with us.
Down the hallway the boy"s parents sat. The strain showed on their faces. Mouths pulled tight and grim. Eyes staring without seeing. I wondered what they were thinking. I could not tell from their faces. Did they have the compa.s.sion to forgive Sheila for what she had done? Or were their hearts still too burdened with grief and with fear? Were they still nursing in deep, unspeakable recesses the hope that her life would be as crippled as they feared she had made their son"s? I could not tell from looking at them.
The father turned his head and met my eyes briefly. Both of us looked away. They were not bad people. Not the kind I could work up a hate for. When they had testified, their voices had been soft without detectable anger. If anything, they spoke sadly. Unhappy to have the issue reopened. To be in court a second time. To have their lives once more disrupted by this child. In a way I wished I could have hated them; it would have made the decision either way easier for me to accept. But I could not. They had only done what they thought best. Their fault, if anything, was nothing more than ignorance of mental illness. And fear. Now a judge, a man who did not know either of us, nor either of the children, would be the one to decide - on an issue that had no black or white. I wondered how they felt. I wished I had the courage to get up and go to them and ask. I wished there were a way it could be different.
Sheila was sitting on my lap. She had been drawing a picture when we had come out and was now trying to tell me about it. My self-absorption was annoying her. She put a hand up and physically moved my head to look at her. "Look at my picture, Tor. It be a picture of Susannah Joy. See, she gots on that dress she wears to school so much."
I looked down. Sheila had long been envious of Susannah Joy. Susie was the only child in our cla.s.sroom to come from an affluent family. She was always immaculately dressed and had a splendid wardrobe of frilly little frocks. Sheila was inelegantly envious. She longed for a dress, just one dress like Susannah had. Day after day, she would page through catalogues and pick out dresses she would like to have. Time and again would come entries on the subject into her journal. Only the week before I had found in the correction basket Sheila"s creative writing paper.
I do my best writing for you Torey from now on I do be a gooder girl and do my best work I promise. I want to tell you what I do last night. I go down and wait for my father he be at the opptomrix who fistes eye gla.s.ses. So I got to walk around for a while and I look in them windows sometimes. Some times I wish I could by the things in them windows. Some times they be so prety. I seen a dress that be red and blue and be white too and it gots lace on it and be long and beautiful. I ain"t never had a dress like that and it was prety torey. I sort of wish I could have it. It be my size to I think. I ask my pa if I could by it but he sad "no". That be too bad cos it be so nice and I aint never had a real dress. And I could a wored it to school like Susannah Joy do. She gots lots of dresses. But I couldnt so we went home and my pa he by me some M&Ms instead and toled me "to go to bed Sheila" so I did.
That little essay had hurt me in a funny, unidentifiable way. It seemed one of the saddest things she had ever written. But Sheila went on, knowing she could not have a dress, accepting it and continuing to dream.
Sheila prattled on about the picture she was holding, showing me intricacies in the drawing. Yet she noticed my mind was wandering. She hadn"t been called in, which I took as a good sign, but she was aware of the tension among us.
Then at last the doors to the judge"s chambers opened. From the minute I saw Chad"s face, I knew what the ruling had been. He stopped about eight feet from us, a crisp smile tight on his face. Then he grinned. "We won."
Noise erupted in the hallway and we danced about hugging one another. "We won! We won! We won!" Sheila shrieked, bouncing midst everyone"s legs. We all laughed at her jubilance although I doubted she knew the impact of what she was saying.
"I think this calls for a celebration, don"t you?" Chad asked. He was pulling on his trench coat. "What do you say we go down to Shakey"s and order the biggest pizza they have?"
The others were beginning to leave. I glanced briefly down the hallway toward the boy"s parents, who were putting on their coats. Once again I wished I had the courage to walk those twenty feet down the corridor and speak to them. Chad was talking to me about pizza, Sheila was jumping around my legs, scrabbling at my belt to be acknowledged, school people were yelling good-byes.
"Well, what do you say?" Chad asked again. "You want to go or are you going to stand there all evening?" He gave me a playful nudge.
I turned back to him and nodded.
"What about you?" Chad said to Sheila. "You want to come with Torey and me to get pizza?"
Her eyes widened and she nodded. I bent down and picked her up to bring her up to our level of the conversation.
Apart from us stood Sheila"s father. Alone. His hands stuffed into the pockets of his ill-fitting suit. He stared at the floor. He seemed lonely to me, lonely and forgotten. This had not been his battle we had just won and it was not to him Sheila had gone. She had waited with us in the hallway and now she celebrated with us. It was our victory. He had not been a part of it. Courts had only been bad places for him in the past; they were frightening places. In his tattered suit and cheap after-shave lotion, he made a strange and striking contrast to the school district and government people. I realized with great sadness that even his daughter was not his own. She was one of us; he was not.
Chad must have perceived the same loneliness I did. "Do you want to join us?"
For a moment I thought I saw a flicker of pleasure on his face. But he shook his head. "No, I have to be going."
"It is all right if Sheila comes with us, isn"t it?" Chad asked. "We"ll bring her home later."
He nodded, a soft smile on his lips as he regarded his daughter. She was still in my arms, still wiggling with excitement, mindless of her father.
"You"re sure you won"t come with us?"
"No."
For a long moment we looked at each other, the universe between us never bridging. Then Chad reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. Pulling out a twenty-dollar bill, he handed it to Sheila"s father. "Here. Here"s your share of the fun."
He hesitated and I did not think he would accept it, knowing his disdain for charity. But uncertainly he extended his hand and took the bill. He mumbled a thank you, then he turned and walked away down the long corridor.
Sheila, Chad and I all piled into Chad"s little foreign car and sped off to the pizza parlor. "Hey, Sheila, what kind of pizza do you like?" Chad asked over his shoulder to Sheila in the back seat.
"I don"t know. I ain"t never had no pizza." "Never had pizza?" Chad exclaimed. "Well, we might have to do this more often, huh?"
If she never had pizza before, one would never have known it from Sheila"s behavior. Her eyes were wide and shiny when the pizza arrived and she grabbed for it like a pro. Chad ordered the biggest, fullest-topped pizza he could find on the menu as well as a pitcher of soda pop. It was a magical moment. Sheila was alive and animated, talking constantly. She was intrigued by Chad and ended up sitting on his lap while we listened to the piano player entertain us. Chad commented that he had never seen a little kid eat so much food in one sitting in his life. Teasingly, Sheila told him she could eat at least a hundred pizzas if he had money to buy them and burped loudly to prove it.
Except for having seen her briefly the night we had gone to visit her father, Chad had never met Sheila. Early in the evening it was clear he thought she was one special person. Obviously the feeling was mutual. They laughed and kidded each other throughout the stay at the pizza place.
Night had fallen and the evening crowd was beginning to drift in. We had eaten the entire gigantic pizza, plus the pop, plus a round of soft ice cream. We had listened to the piano player so long that he coaxed Chad up to play "Heart and Soul" with him. But it was apparent that Chad and Sheila were not ready to part company.
Chad leaned way over the table to look at Sheila. "What"s the thing you"d like best in the world, if you could have it?" he asked. My heart flinched because I knew Sheila would answer that she wanted her Mama and Jimmie back and that would dampen our mood.
Sheila pondered the question a long moment. "Real or pretend?"
"Real."
Again she sat pensively. "A dress, I think."
"What kind of dress?"
"Like Susannah Joy gots. One that gots lace on it."
"You mean all you"d want in the whole world is just a dress?" Chad"s eyes wandered above Sheila"s head to me.
Sheila nodded. "I ain"t never had a dress before. Once a lady from a church bringed us out some clothes and there be this dress in it. But my Pa, he don"t even let me try it on. He says we don"t "cept no charity from no one." She frowned. "I didn"t think it would hurt just to try it on, but my Pa, he said I"d get a pounding if I did, so I didn"t."
Chad looked at his watch. "It"s almost seven o"clock. I don"t think the stores in the Mall close until nine." He looked from me to Sheila. "What if I told you this is your lucky day?"
Sheila regarded him quizzically. She still did not know what was going on. "What do you mean?"
"What if I told you that in a few minutes we were going out to the car and go buy you a dress? Any dress you want."
Sheila"s eyes got so big I thought they would break her face. Her mouth dropped and she looked at me. Then suddenly she was crestfallen. "My Pa, he wouldn"t let me keep it."
"I think he would. We"ll just tell him that"s your share of the fun. I"ll go in with you when we take you home. I"ll tell him."
Sheila was beside herself. She leaped from her chair and danced in the aisle, colliding with unsuspecting patrons. She hugged me. She hugged Chad. Surely she would have exploded then and there if we hadn"t left.
The next hour was a giddy one. We walked the aisles of the two big department stores in the Mall, Sheila holding on to our hands and swinging between us. Once we found the little girls" dresses, she turned unexpectedly shy and would not even look at them, instead shoving her face into my leg. Dreams close up can be quite hard to handle.
Finally I selected a few that were pretty and had lace and I dragged Sheila into a fitting room to try them on. Once we were alone she came back to life. Stripping off the overalls and shirt until she stood naked except for her underpants, Sheila lifted the dresses up to inspect them carefully. She was such a scrawny little thing with a sway back and a little kid"s fat stomach that only emphasized her skinniness. Now alone with the dresses she became too excited to try them on and danced around the small room in circles. I captured her around the waist and shoved her into one dress. What a magic moment. Sheila preened herself in front of the three-way mirror and then ran out to show Chad. We must have spent a half hour closeted in that little room while Sheila tried to decide among three dresses. She tried each of them on at least four times. At last she chose one, a red-and-white dress with lace at the neck and around the sleeves.
"I"m gonna wear it every day to school," she said enthusiastically.
"You look so pretty."
She was watching me in the mirror. "Can I wear it home?"
"If you want."
"I do!" Her sudden smile faded and she turned to me. She climbed onto my lap, touching my face softly with one hand. "You know what I wish?"
"That you could have all three dresses?"
She shook her head. "I wish you was my Mama and Chad was my Daddy."
I smiled.
"It almost seems that way now don"t it? Tonight, I mean. It almost seems like you are really my folks, huh?"