"Hard not to. The lake we"re going to is just the other side of this mountain."
Liddy rolled her eyes. "Mountain?"
"Get with the program. You"re in Iowa and that"s a mountain."
Thinking of the Rockies she"d crossed on the way to Iowa, Liddy said, "If you say so."
"What were you really thinking about?"
105.
"That I don"t know much about you." Liddy admitted the truth without really meaning to.
"Thought so."
They turned onto a side road with only the measured strains of Bach to break the silence. At least Liddy thought it was Bach. It was one of those pieces that made Liddy think of sewing machines but somehow, with Marian, it didn"t seem so deadly dull. Marian down-shifted and Liddy had to admit there was a bit of a grade.
"Mountain" was still a stretch, though.
As they crested the hill, Marian said, "The only thing I do violently is scrub my floors. I figure the floors don"t care, and I"m actually healthier for it."
"I save my violence for the dojo."
"And brick walls."
Liddy c.o.c.ked her head and then remembered her attack on the building at the Ped Mall. "Oh. That wasn"t . . . I don"t usually do that."
Marian let out a noise of pure chagrin. "I don"t usually have mood swings so severe I need an oxygen mask. So we"re even."
They coasted to a stop at an overlook. Not expecting much, Liddy got out of the car and followed Marian to the shade of the only tree. "Oh!"
"It is nice, isn"t it?"
Their elevation was only a few hundred feet above the surround-ing area, but the rolling fields and thick oaks lining numerous water-ways were more obvious than Liddy had yet seen. The countryside was gently alive.
"I think of Iowa as very female." Marian gestured at the panorama. "I suppose most rural agricultural areas are, but it"s also the roundness of the hills. Instead of a plotted out checkerboard, the rivers and creeks create curves in the roads and fencing. It"s really a beautiful day for June. The haze can be bad in the late summer."
"It"s lovely. Womanly, yes. Like a Wyeth painting."
106.
"Yes, I"ve always thought so." Marian pointed at different fields, naming the likely crops. "Not that it"s all that hard to guess what it is.
Corn, oats, soybeans and Huskie fans, that"s what we grow in Iowa."
Liddy chuckled and followed Marian back toward the car.
"Do you feel like a walk? There"s a nature trail along here, and we can get some wonderful views of the lake."
"A walk would be great. Work up an appet.i.te for that lunch."
Marian threw a grin over her shoulder and led Liddy onto a leaf-dusted trail. For the first few minutes Liddy just admired the view, and it wasn"t nature she was looking at. Marian"s hinder was wonderfully framed by her khaki shorts, and the lean legs were tanned and shapely. Marian"s soft butch physique was put together in a very attractive way.
As they continued to climb, Liddy strained not to pant as she kept up with Marian"s rapid pace. She was awfully glad she was wearing her Tevas. Marian pointed out a deer hideaway, gopher holes, a poisonous weed and trees with antler sc.r.a.pings. Okay, Liddy thought.
Marian was one of those outdoorsy gals. Marian knew all the stuff her biological father always wanted Liddy to absorb about the great outdoors.
She weighed the pros and cons. Know the names of gopher dis-eases versus fabulous kissing. Well, the kissing was so far winning, but she hoped there was no test administered at the end of the walk.
" . . . heard a word I"ve said."
"I"m listening," Liddy protested. "Just, well, not a lot."
"I"m babbling, I know. I"m nervous."
"Not really. Why?"
Marian stopped abruptly and Liddy realized how quiet it was on the shady path. There was only the distant drone of an engine to break the stillness. "Why am I nervous, you mean?"
"Yeah."
Marian ran one fingertip down Liddy"s bare arm. Liddy couldn"t stifle her responsive gasp. "Because of that."
107.
Liddy swallowed hard. "Okay, I"ll admit that makes me a little nervous, too. I"m not this way-"
"Me neither. As we keep telling each other. And the last time I felt this sweaty this fast with someone I got hurt. Badly."
"Me, too. So how come I"m not scared?" Had she been the one to step forward or had Marian? Had they both? Could Marian tell how hard she was breathing and that it had nothing to do with the hike?
She wasn"t in Iowa City looking for love, for s.e.x, for anything except to get away from the anger and the hurt Robyn had left in her life.
That and a paycheck.
Marian seemed to miss nothing. "I am scared. I think this would count as rebound for me." Her short laugh was strained. "For a lot of reasons. And that"s not fair to you."
"Even if the paint peeled?"
"It"s never that easy. Great s.e.x does not a good relationship make."
"But neither of us is looking for a relationship." Liddy wondered exactly what she was trying to argue Marian into. She didn"t want to let anyone close right now. But her body was acting like a teenager"s.
"s.e.x without the prospect of a U-Haul?" This time Marian"s smile was warmer. "I don"t think lesbians do that."
"We could pretend we"re guys." Swear to freakin" G.o.d, Liddy, did you really say something that stupid?
"You are not a guy." Marian leaned slightly closer. "Unless you are wearing the most incredible prosthetics money can buy."
d.a.m.ned b.o.o.bs. d.a.m.ned nipples. She could hardly blame their obvious prominence on its being cold. "They"re real," she said wryly.
"Pure female under here. I have to say, you also seem to be quite female, which is most definitely my preference."
Marian c.o.c.ked her head to one side. "Thank you. I was told by the ex-from-h.e.l.l that I was mannish."
"You"re butch-there is a big difference. At least to me." Marian was so close Liddy could smell the aroma of her shampoo.
"That doesn"t put you off?" Marian"s gaze wavered with uncertainty.
108.
d.a.m.n, Liddy thought. How badly had this ex hurt Marian? She was deliciously, gently butch and obviously someone had stomped on the idea that this was attractive.
Marian closed her eyes as if she"d realized she was revealing too much. "Sorry-"
"It turns me on, if you want the truth. You"re very female." Her gaze swept over Marian"s curves, and she swallowed hard. "Very female, and you"re butch, right down to those buffed nails and the comb in your back pocket." She couldn"t bring herself to admit that looking at those neatly manicured nails made her consider the slenderness of Marian"s fingers.
"Oh." Marian blinked rapidly, then finally looked up. "That"s probably the nicest thing anyone"s said to me in a long while. Okay.
I forgive you for the crack about pretending we"re guys."
"Thanks. My mouth got ahead of my brain with that one." I want to go to bed with her, Liddy thought. Right now. Soon. Maybe in the car. I don"t know-I wasn"t looking. What the h.e.l.l do I do now? I want to f.u.c.k Marian the Librarian from Iowa f.u.c.king City.
Marian looked up at her, her eyes soft but serious. "What are you thinking? And don"t tell me cornfields."
"That I don"t know what to do." She lifted the hem of Marian"s T-shirt with one fingertip. "Last time I fell into bed with someone I got hurt too. And I can"t tell if how I feel right now is different from then, or if I just want it to be different."
Marian nodded. "I think it would be a mistake to go to any other level. Right now."
Liddy took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "It occurs to me if we keep talking about s.e.x we"ll eventually stop wanting to have it."
Marian"s smile was crooked. "Is that the way it works?"
"So I"ve been told."
"Then maybe we should talk about it lots. Because it would be a big mistake for me. I"m a mess."
No kidding, Liddy wanted to say, but she caught herself. And I thought I was a mess, getting so angry all the time. "Well, I"m two thousand miles from home because I"m not okay either."
109.
"So . . . shall we finish our walk?"
"Yeah," Liddy said.
She really didn"t mean to grab Marian then, but her hands were on Marian"s shoulders before her brain even realized what she was going to do. She pulled Marian"s wonderful body close. She half expected to get slapped, though Marian hardly seemed the slapping type. She certainly thought she"d get pushed away.
Marian"s arms were around her waist and their lips met hungrily.
There was no teasing in this kiss. It was about yes, an ocean of yes, enough to drown in.
Marian"s moan was caught in Liddy"s mouth, hot and eager. Liddy could only kiss her back, no longer able to worry or think or even concentrate. She forgot about Iowa and libraries and very good reasons to stop. There was only Marian and her incredible mouth and that body that fit so well against her own.
Liddy didn"t think she was the one who pulled back. Her hands were under Marian"s shirt, cupping her waist. The world seemed to spin and it was a minute before she realized one of the things holding her up was Marian"s thigh and hip between her legs.
"I"m sorry." Liddy shivered with the effort to separate herself from Marian, especially the hard thigh rocking slightly against her.
"Sorry. I shouldn"t have done that."
Marian held her a moment longer, then let her go. Liddy didn"t move until Marian stepped back. "If I hadn"t wanted you to I would have stopped you."
Stunned by how much she wanted to go back to what they"d been doing, Liddy said the first thing that came into her head. "We can"t be alone."
"No." Marian turned away. "It would probably be for the best if we weren"t."
How can she just walk away? Liddy angrily watched Marian"s steady steps, yet she was also relieved. How can she look as if she wasn"t just about to do me? And then Liddy felt a rush of hurt because she wanted to be alone with Marian again. Wanted to hold her. Wanted to smell 110 her hair. Wanted to listen to her talk about gopher b.u.t.ts or tree genealogies-anything at all. Anything. And Marian was just walking away.
"Wait up!"
Marian paused. As Liddy caught up she saw that Marian was wiping away tears.
I can"t, she thought. I can"t hold her this time. Look where that got us.
"I don"t like . . ." Marian paused to dab at her eyes. "I don"t like admitting I"m not in control. I think that going to bed with you would be a huge mistake. And I want to so much that I can hardly breathe. And this isn"t like me. It isn"t. You have no idea."
Liddy realized only then that the tears had nothing to do with her. "I"m not going to bed with you," she said firmly. "If kissing you makes you cry then I"m not prepared for what will happen if I f.u.c.k you."
Marian turned toward Liddy so quickly that Liddy stepped back.
"n.o.body"s asking to get f.u.c.ked, okay? How many times do I have to say it?"
"You say it and then you kiss me."
"You kissed me! And this is childish. I don"t-I don"t do this.
Okay, there"s a lot about me I"d change if I had the chance, and I"d be better off, but this at least I know isn"t me!" Her voice rose. "And I don"t want to be this way. Everyone else can change, but I don"t want to, thank you. I am who I am and-and-d.a.m.n!" Marian turned quickly away as a group of hikers appeared at the top of the crest.
Liddy waited for the group to pa.s.s them, but all she could think was that she had no idea what was going on inside Marian. No idea at all.
Marian"s low voice cut into her circular musings. "That wasn"t about you. I apologize for shouting."
"Maybe we should go back now."
Marian nodded. "It"s for the best."
111.
Liddy trailed along behind her, bemused. What was it about this woman? It was those kisses. And that a.s.s. And that voice. And the way she looked deep inside Liddy, like n.o.body had ever looked at her before.