She was a little more cheerful after her mother hung up, but it quickly faded. Her doc.u.ments were all stale, and words swam on the screen. It was too early to sleep.
When a clap of thunder erupted overhead, she nearly jumped out of her skin. There was an abrupt roar. It took her several seconds to realize the noise was rain pouring out of the sky.
She looked out the front windows and saw the street was quickly awash with water. Flashes of lightning had her running to turn off her laptop, and the thunder at times was so loud she thought it would break the windows.
The storm was furious and violent. It suited her mood.
d.a.m.n Marian for being a mess. And d.a.m.n her rotten ex for being cruel. And d.a.m.n whoever it was that Marian loved for not loving her back. And d.a.m.n the rules that said no was the only answer if they didn"t plan on making the Big Commitment.
Why couldn"t they have yes? A simple yes, for a night full of thunder and rain?
It wasn"t fair. Liddy was not used to doing without, and her body ached to have. After feeling dead for months because of Robyn f.u.c.king Vaughn, her body had woken up, and she wanted a woman with sensuous eyes, magic fingertips and fantastic kisses to take her to bed.
There was nothing wrong with that, she told herself. So how come we can only find our way to no?
Sunday afternoon, June 8: Home sick. It"s a migraine. Taking the magic pill and planning to crash.
I hope I don"t miss the storm though. I"m all cried out and I need rain for tears.
I want Liddy. I look back through my journals and see day after day all I could say was that I wanted HER. A day pa.s.ses and I want Liddy.
I"m not fickle. I don"t give up on people or dreams once I commit to them. How can I in one night say no to HER and yes to Liddy?
166.
I can"t. I would feel like I was cheating on HER, wouldn"t I? But HER never wanted me. But I want Liddy. What a tired refrain. All I can do these days is want.
It was thunder that roused Marian after a few hours. The migraine pill had done its job. Her head was tender, but not incapac-itating. A long, steamy shower felt heavenly.
"Oh, go away, Hill," she scolded. "Get your water someplace else and leave my toes alone."
It was dark out, though still two hours at least until sunset. The thunder drifted east, still rolling across the heavens but not threatening her eardrums.
She stood in the guest room doorway. The blinds were still down.
On a night like tonight Hemma and Amy would be sharing a warm dinner and some quiet music. Reading or just talking. Watching them wouldn"t make it her life, too.
She still didn"t know why her feelings had changed about Hemma, or if it was just a temporary funk. Would she wake up tomorrow back in love again? Or was she fickle enough to fall out of love in a day?
The fantasy of their life including her, however, was well and truly gone. It had always been a fantasy, too. Though she was a dear friend, their intimacy had never included her. She"d been a bystander, and in love with the view.
She didn"t want to sit home alone, wishing for company. She should call Ellie, but d.a.m.n. Ellie had Sandy. At least for now.
She could play a computer game or watch TV. There was plenty to watch on Sunday nights. But concentration was difficult when her body felt so heavy and parts of her that hadn"t been touched by another"s hands for years were swollen.
She wanted Liddy and her body wasn"t going to let her forget it.
Exercise might help, but it was pouring rain.
167.
What was a little water, she thought. A walk in the rain. The cool water and falling temperatures would soothe her head even more.
She would be able to think.
She chose hiking boots as a concession to the puddles, but stayed with shorts. An old, soft T-shirt was perfect against her skin, and the waterproof windbreaker would keep part of her dry.
Hill bounded back in from the rain when she called, then shook himself dry in the kitchen. He snuffled anxiously at her jacket.
"I know it"s raining, boy. It"s okay, I know. Time for your dinner."
On cue, Trombone twined around Marian"s ankles, protesting the empty condition of her bowl. Marian was emptying the coffeepot of cold remains when she spotted the card Liddy had given her.
Raspberry-filled bittersweet chocolate. Oh, Marian thought, what a good guess. She nibbled a square and opened the card. Why can"t we be friends? Why, indeed, she thought. Why not?
The rain had softened to a summer shower by the time she walked out into it. Puddles were deep and the air smelled faintly of ozone and wet earth. She felt good after the first block and continued on, enjoying the solitude of the streets and the sound of running water.
Another block felt fine, and then another. s.e.x never solved anything. It just made life harder. Why had Robyn done that to her?
Left her helpless, then ruined so much? Why was anyone cruel?
What had Robyn hoped to fix in herself by treating someone else so badly?
Marian no longer believed in karma. It sounded good, but if it were really true, then bad things wouldn"t happen to good people.
She hadn"t deserved Robyn. Her brother hadn"t deserved to be murdered. Her parents hadn"t deserved the drunk driver.
Her feet were wet and the windbreaker hood had blown back.
The rain was cooling but comforting, and she kept walking while her thoughts spun in circles.
Why had she loved Hemma? Because Hemma saw her, knew her, cared about who Marian really was. Hemma was s.e.xy and sensuous, 168 too, and knew how to laugh. Laughter was the best part of life, she decided. Even better than s.e.x.
Liddy knew how to laugh. Not that she"d done much of it around Marian after the first few conversations. All she"d done for Liddy was take away the laughter. She couldn"t use Liddy to forget Hemma.
She couldn"t go to Liddy with Hemma still in her head, or her heart.
If she did it would only be s.e.x, and there was no future in that.
She wanted some kind of future with Liddy. Any kind, except being what Liddy would regret as a "long story, but it"s not going to happen again."
Rain dripped in her ears and she scrubbed her eyes with the cool water to ease the stinging of salt. At least the migraine was gone. Her legs were beginning to tire, but movement felt good. The rain was purifying.
When she stopped, finally, she knew this had been her destina-tion all along. There was a light on and she made her way up the steps.
She rang the bell and stood dripping on the porch, certain she was going to have a very long walk home.
Liddy was still wearing that amazing, clinging tank top. She stared at Marian through the screen door, then opened it. "You"re all wet."
"Well, not all of me, but quite a bit."
Liddy closed the door behind her and they stared at each other.
"Swear to freakin" G.o.d," Liddy murmured.
It was Liddy who took the step necessary, but Marian who opened her arms.
If it had been meant to be a hug, it failed completely. Their mouths met hungrily and Marian pulled Liddy"s hips against her own. Their kiss was immediate union, lips, tongues, moans, air, mingling instantly, as if they had never stopped making love to each other.
Liddy"s cheeks were quickly wet with rain from Marian"s hair.
Marian felt the drops against her hands as she cupped Liddy"s face 169 and kissed her again, and again, tasting her mouth. She rubbed her lips against Liddy"s and heard, for the first time in years, her name whispered in wonder.
She licked the line of Liddy"s jaw, then nipped her earlobe. And felt Liddy"s body stiffen in her arms, then arch in a curve of offering.
"Marian . . ."
"Yes, darling. Yes."
The water from her windbreaker had soaked Liddy"s tank top, and Marian nearly lost control at the reality of Liddy"s beautiful body. She wanted to reach for what was so prominent, but she could wait. She was willing to bet that every lover before her had started there. That hardly mattered, though. She wanted to make love to all of Liddy, from the inside out.
"I hope," she whispered in Liddy"s ear, "that you like lots of foreplay."
"I don"t need it right now."
"I know. But I think I do."
Liddy nodded. Her voice was breathless and tight. "I can understand that. But don"t think I"ll make it easy on you." Without breaking the long, intimate gaze, Liddy pushed down her shorts.
Marian gasped as Liddy"s dark tangle of hair emerged into the light. She was so beautiful, so female. So lovely.
"Touch me, Marian. Please."
Marian could only nod. She was stunned by Liddy"s surrender, and any illusion she had that she was still in control fled. She found her own kind of surrender, giving up her rationality to the moment and to the thick, hot, sweet wet that surrounded her fingertips.
Foreplay, she thought distantly. What happened to foreplay?
Liddy"s back was to the door and her hips answered Marian"s urgent stroking. She played in the sweetness until Liddy"s knees buckled. Marian eased Liddy to the floor. She began to settle on her hip next to Liddy, but Liddy pulled Marian urgently on top of her.
Water streamed off her clothes and warmed on Liddy"s body.
There were too many clothes in the way, Marian realized, but her 170 fingers wouldn"t stop their exploration. Liddy moaned and opened her eyes.
Falling into turquoise, Marian held Liddy"s gaze. She was stunned to realize she could read the heaving chest, the flushed arms and the vulnerable desire that reflected in Liddy"s eyes. She had never felt so sure in her life of not only what was wanted, but how. "Yes, yes, look at me. Watch my face as I go inside you."
Liddy groaned and lifted her hips. One hand cupped Marian"s head, twining in her hair, while the other reached down to grasp Marian"s wrist. "Yes . . . Marian, please."
Liddy was dancing against her, a sensuous, rolling wave of pa.s.sion. Her moan of desire turned to a gasp as Marian"s fingers slid slowly inward, exploring and pleasuring.
It felt so good to have a woman moving against her like this. It had been too long. It wasn"t the time to compare. There was no time to think about anything but the shudder that ran through Liddy"s body and the shock that abruptly showed in Liddy"s face.
"Marian! Don"t stop-"
"I won"t-"
"More, more-"
The grip on her hair was painful, but perversely pleasurable, and Marian felt her own body tighten and clench as Liddy froze against her. Nothing moved except what Marian stroked with her fingertips.
Silken flesh shuddered there, and then everything was so wet and so tight.
They weren"t words from any dictionary, but Marian knew what Liddy"s incoherent words of ecstasy and climax meant. Then Liddy stopped breathing and arched again, her body straining hard against Marian"s hand.
Only when Liddy finally sobbed for air did Marian find she could breathe again, too. She took her hand away just long enough to get out of the windbreaker, then she touched Liddy again. So wet, so open.
171.
"Oh, Marian, I can"t . . . yes . . ." Liddy"s hips moved and the hand in Marian"s hair pulled Marian"s mouth down to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.
Lush and firm, Marian rested her forehead on them for a moment. The wet cotton was cool. Then her teeth found one erect nipple that begged to be noticed, and Liddy groaned in response.
Marian reveled in the intricate ripples and folds between Liddy"s legs while her mouth drew another gasping moan out of Liddy"s throat. She could do this all night, enjoy the feel of Liddy"s rolling body against her all night.
Waves on the ocean, peaking and falling only to crest again, and so wet. So very wet.
"I can"t again . . . oh, yes . . . touch me like that . . ."
They left the floor eventually. Found towels, found the bed, found each other. Found their yes, hours of yes.
172.
12.
Liddy stirred against the arms around her.
Marian, she thought. She was in Marian"s arms. It felt so good.
In the gray light of very early morning, she could see the circles under Marian"s eyes as she slept. They were proof of Marian"s vul-nerability, Liddy thought. A strong woman who still felt her own tears.
She was tempted to slip away, nearly to give into the desire to be alone to think. Last night-nothing in her life had been like last night.
How could she want more, she wondered. She remembered being on top of Marian, grinding against Marian"s palm, and telling Marian what she liked, how she liked it. She gave Marian every key to loving her, and Marian had used them all.