Maryl"s smile grew as the others sat in stunned shock. Eva recovered first. "Good for you, Noreen. What changed for you?"
"Something Maryl said on the camping trip."
"Me?"
""Permission to stop hurting". Remember?"
Maryl nodded.
"It"s not in control of me anymore. I knew it when you said it, but I wanted to be sure. Now I am. I feel better every day and as much as I enjoy being with all of you, I need to get on with my life. I need to stop dwelling on the past and start planning for my future."
Maryl was happy for Noreen and added her good wishes to those of the group. When the meeting broke up, she followed Noreen to her truck. "Noreen? I want to tell you something and I only hope it doesn"t come out all twisted up."
Noreen put her elbow up on the side of the truck bed and crossed one foot over the other. "Shoot."
Maryl took a deep breath. "I don"t really see us being the kind of friends who hang out and talk on the phone. Do you?"
"Honestly? No. We"re too different."
"Good," Maryl said with relief. "I just wanted you to know that I"m your friend anyway. We don"t have to be buddies, but...I like you. I don"t expect we"ll see each other much, but I care about you anyway. Am I making any sense?"
Noreen laughed easily. "Yeah. I know exactly what you"re saying and the same goes for me."
They hugged briefly, but hard and Noreen got in her truck. Maryl turned to walk away, but Noreen called her name and she went back to the open window. Noreen leaned out and reached for her hand. "I want to say something to you, too. I never met your lady in the mountains, but I know she was special to you. As your friend, I"m telling you that you"re an idiot for letting her get away."
Maryl tried to make a joke out of it. "That seems to be the general consensus."
"What does that tell you? Figure it out, Maryl."
She stood there with nothing to say as Noreen started up her truck and drove away.
The rituals of everyday life got easier, but when she didn"t have anything else to do, Maryl"s head was filled with other people"s words. You"re the best time I"ve ever had. You never came home. You"re an idiot for letting her get away. The most important thing is that we love each other. Figure it out, Maryl. Are you sorry you left her up in the mountains?
The only escape was distraction. In the midst of deep cleaning her little house she decided it needed painting. She coaxed her landlord into springing for half the cost of the paint-more than willing to pay for the other half herself just so she"d have something constructive to do-and two days later she laid on the first brush stroke. Janelle offered to help if Maryl kept the stereo and the beer running and in only a week the inside of her house took on a warm and creamy yellow cast. After years of dingy white, it was an exciting change and well worth the cost and the lingering paint fumes.
The landlord dropped by a few days afterwards and was so pleased with the results he wrote her a check on the spot for her half of the expense. The pride she felt over a job well done made her mood improve and even if the voices still plagued her in her private moments, she felt a little more like her old self.
The one thing she needed most and wanted least was a social life. Going to Eva"s group could only be considered marginally social, and as enjoyable as spending time with Janelle was, she knew it was time to start getting out on her own. The problem was, none of the people she had socialized with were satisfying to her anymore and none of the things she used to do made her feel good. Going to the local gay bar on Sat.u.r.day nights had just become loud and depressing. She tried going to small casual dinners with old friends, but they were focused on finding her a new lover and none of the women they introduced her to ignited any sparks.
It occurred to her at one point that she was comparing them all to Robin, but she honestly couldn"t see how that was a bad thing. After all the failed relationships she had been in, maybe it was time to raise her standards to a new level. She had a perfect track record of choosing the wrong woman. She was more than willing to spend some time alone if it meant that she could avoid some future heartbreak and wait for a woman she could build a life with.
Her memory of Robin began to be a source of pleasure for her when drawn out in moderation. If she allowed herself to dwell on their time together it was too painful, but she could wonder from time to time what Robin would think or do or feel about whatever Maryl was experiencing and it gave her a warm glow. It became a subconscious game for her. The flowers in her yard gave her more pleasure when she imagined Robin admiring them. She spent one long Sunday afternoon looking at clothes with a mind to how Robin would look in that sweater and what she would think of Maryl in this skirt.
She didn"t realize how pervasive her thoughts had become until she found herself in the grocery store one day trying to pick out a wine Robin might like and saw her double walking past the end of the aisle. She searched the store from one end to the other and could not find a woman who even remotely resembled Robin. She left the store feeling hollow and exposed, determined to get her habits under control.
The very next day she could have sworn she saw Robin driving the opposite direction on Main Street. It gave her the shakes and she had to pull over while she got over them. She told herself that she was being ridiculous; she would probably not even recognize Robin fully clothed, but it was small consolation to her heart.
The third incident happened on her way to work several days later. There was no way she could go back to see if the woman walking into the Oak Furniture Warehouse really looked like Robin or if she was losing her mind without being late to her job.
Maryl grabbed a cup of coffee first thing and almost ran into Janelle in the hall.
"Hey, watch where you point that thing," Janelle said of her coffee cup.
"Sorry. I"m a little distracted."
"What"s up?"
Maryl glanced around. There were too many people near and they would be busy soon. "Are you free for lunch?"
"Are you buying?"
Maryl nodded and headed for her desk. She was aware that Janelle studied her now and then during the long morning, but there just wasn"t time to talk.
Lunchtime gradually rolled around and they walked next door to the hospital cafeteria. "You don"t look so good," Janelle said to start her talking.
"I think I"m going nuts."
"Why do you think that?"
Maryl wasn"t very comfortable saying it out loud, but it was the only way. "I keep catching glimpses of women who remind me of Robin."
"How long has it been since you last saw her?"
Embarra.s.sed that she knew without having to think about it, Maryl hid her face. "Seven weeks, five days and about six hours. Pitiful, huh?"
Janelle put her arm through Maryl"s with a laugh. "Yeah, but it"s cute, too. I"ll bet your memory of precisely how she looked is starting to blur and that"s why you"re suddenly seeing her."
Maryl thought this was doubtless true, but it made her sad. "It"s funny though. The glimpses seem to make my memory clearer. I remember how she looked better after I think I"ve seen her. Not her features so much, but the long lines of her and the way her hair layers over her shoulders."
"Do you regret saying goodbye to her?"
Janelle"s eyes were full of sympathy and it gave Maryl the courage to tell the truth. "Sometimes I miss her so bad I can hardly breathe. I know I did the right thing, but sometimes I do regret it."
Janelle hugged her arm. "You seem so certain that she loves you. Maybe you should try to find her and just talk."
"No." Maryl shook her head and opened the hospital"s side door for her. "I"m sure it will pa.s.s. I just need more time."
"I wonder if she imagines that she sees you, too?"
Maryl didn"t want to think about that. She needed to believe that Robin was getting on with her life. "How"s it going with Carlos? It"s getting close to two months that you"ve been going out and I still haven"t met him."
"If I hadn"t been to his house I might think he was married. I only get to see him on the weekends. I really like him and I think he likes me, too, but I"m starting to think that something"s not quite right."
Maryl made the appropriate noises, asked questions in the right places and let Janelle carry the conversation through lunch.
Maryl couldn"t help but keep an eye out for anyone who looked like Robin as she drove to group that night. It made her feel a little hunted, but somewhere in town was a woman she needed to see up close so she could stop reacting every time she saw her. She resolved that the very next time she thought she saw Robin, she would stop whatever she was doing and find her.
She sat quietly in group, letting the others talk and replayed images in her mind, trying to find something about this new woman she was seeing that didn"t mesh with her memories. At some point she realized that the room was silent and everyone was looking at her. "Sorry," she said with a start. "Did you ask me something?"
Eva chuckled. "I asked how things were going with you, but you seem a little preoccupied. Is everything okay?"
"Yes. I"m fine." Now that she had an opportunity to talk, she wanted to. "I"ve been trying to be more social, but it seems like everything has changed. The things I used to do for fun just don"t seem fun anymore."
"Like what?" Brooke asked.
"Going to the bar on Sat.u.r.day nights. Visiting with old friends. A couple of women have asked me out, but I seem to know right away that it"s pointless. I just don"t have feelings for them."
"And your feelings for Alaine?" Eva asked.
Maryl waved her hand dismissively. "I haven"t even thought of her for weeks. She"s ancient history."
Wendy spoke cautiously. "So you"re not mad at her anymore?"
Maryl shook her head. "No. I hope she finds whatever she"s looking for and it makes her happy."
"Why are you still coming to group?" Linda sounded more curious than belligerent for once.
"To be honest, I don"t think I ever came to group because of Alaine. I think I was coming because I felt somehow defective. Alaine was the longest relationship of my life and I guess I thought that I was doing something wrong that my lovers never stayed."
"Do you still think that?" Paula asked.
Maryl realized that she didn"t, at least not on an intellectual level. "No. I don"t."
Eva smiled. "So why do you have such trouble keeping women around?"
Maryl smiled back. "A lifetime of poor choices, I guess. I think I"ve always chosen women who were available or because they seemed to want me. I don"t know if it"s because I was trained to do what other people want or if I"m just weak, but the end result was one bad choice after another. Maybe that"s what I was doing wrong."
"Did you ever love any of those women?"
Maryl sighed. "I thought so at the time, but I"m not sure I ever knew what love was. I think I was hunting for crumbs of love. I don"t think it speaks very well of me that I was willing to be with anyone who showed an interest in me. If someone kissed me it was love. If someone said I was beautiful it was love. If someone liked me as a friend it was love."
"Why? What started that pattern?"
"It has to be my family." Maryl saw her whole life in new terms. "All my life I was given love when I obeyed and conformed and performed. When I did what they thought I should, they loved me. When I looked the way I should or said what I was supposed to say, they gave me love. If I ever stepped out of line, they took it away. When I came out to them as a lesbian, they never got over it. I ended up moving out here to get away from their disapproval and their rules, but now it looks like I brought all of their baggage with me. I think I choose women who don"t really care about me because that"s the kind of love I"m accustomed to getting."
"What about the woman you met on the camping trip?" Brooke asked.
Paula looked around. "What woman?"
Linda leaned towards Paula. "We went on a camping trip a couple of months ago and Maryl met someone. She spent most of the trip with her, but they decided not to see each other again. I"m not sure why."
Maryl was in shock at the change in Linda. She hadn"t seemed any different at the last meeting and now she was suddenly considerate and peaceable. She looked at Eva for a clue and saw a knowing smile. Rea.s.sured that it was a change in Linda and not another sign of her impending insanity, Maryl pretended not to notice.
Brooke returned to her question. "Was she different somehow?"
Maryl allowed her feelings for Robin to surface for a moment so she could examine them. "I think so, but it"s hard to be sure. I find myself doubting how I feel about everything. I loved her at the time and I still miss her constantly, but I"m not sure if I can trust that it was love." She pulled her legs up underneath her and snuggled into the corner of the couch. "I"ve been thinking about love at first sight. Now that I"ve had a chance to process it, I have an answer if anyone wants to hear it."
Linda grinned and the others nodded. "I do believe in it," Maryl said. "But I don"t think that it"s enough. I love a lot of things, but being in love is entirely different. Love can happen in an instant, but being in love takes time and commitment. I think that love at first sight, as a reality, probably only happens to men. I think women need more. We need security and trust on every level and that just doesn"t happen in a second. The potential for being in love can happen in a heartbeat, but it takes time for it to become actualized. If it feels like love at first sight and then grows into being in love, it can be said that it"s a real phenomenon. But I think it would be more accurate to say that women experience attraction at first sight and most of the time it turns out to be an illusion."
Wendy was listening closely. "What was it you felt for her? Love at first sight or attraction at first sight?"
"It felt like love at first sight," Maryl admitted. "Now that I"ll never see her again, I can call it that and there isn"t any reason to think otherwise."
"That"s why you decided not to see each other," Kirsten said slowly. "So that you could be in love with her for the rest of your life and never risk that it wasn"t real."
Maryl hugged a pillow to her chest and tried to pretend she didn"t have tears in her eyes. "Something like that."
Brooke sat back and folded her arms. "Maybe I"m not getting it, but that sounds like the stupidest thing I ever heard. What if it really was love and you threw it away? How do you live with the uncertainty?"
Maryl lifted her chin. "I"m doing the best that I can, Brooke. I don"t have all the answers. But if her memory helps me not jump helter skelter into substandard relationships, it"s all worth it."
The conversation spread into other areas and Maryl tried to pay attention, but she couldn"t help wondering if she had made the right choice. When the meeting broke up, Eva made a point of holding her back. Linda was the last to leave and Eva brought a bottle of scotch and two shot gla.s.ses to the coffee table.
"You look like you could use a drink."
"Only if you"ll have one with me."
"Of course," Eva laughed. She poured for the both of them and they drank without ritual.
"What"s up with Linda?" Maryl asked. "She was almost sensitive."
"Just between you and I, she"s been coming around to the fact that her att.i.tude incites negative reactions in other people ever since the camping trip. She went to a doctor and discussed it with her. She started taking medications about three weeks ago. They take a while to kick in and they seem to be working."
"Wow." Maryl shook her head. "I don"t usually subscribe to the idea that we should medicate our moods, but she definitely seems better."
"I"ve always thought she should be on medication, but it was never my place to suggest it. Her att.i.tude always seemed to be out of her control to me, so I"m glad to see that she"s taking charge of it. I talked to her the other day about it and she feels much happier with herself. She can finally see how abrasive she was and it embarra.s.ses her."
"Maybe she really did need it. I"m glad for her."
Eva poured them another round and sat back with her drink in her hand. "You"ve gone through a lot of changes recently, too."
"I don"t understand them all yet. Most of what I said tonight was brand new and it may take some time to put it all in perspective."
Eva searched her face. "You did love her."
Maryl bit off her tears and nodded.
"You still love her. In my opinion, you should find her and talk to her. I think I understand why you want her to be in your past, but you may never love anyone like that again and it would be a sin to let it go. It"s not too late to go to her. I"ll never say this again, but I think ending it to begin with was senseless and cruel. For both of you."
Maryl wiped her tears away and downed her second drink. "Sometimes I agree with you, but I just couldn"t take her away from her family. They"re so close."
"I"m close to my family as well," Eva remarked. "Very close. It"s a nine-hour drive to where they live, but we talk on the phone all the time and we get together several times a year. Being apart makes our gatherings that much more precious and I don"t have to deal with any of the unpleasant things."
"I don"t think her family has unpleasantness."
"All families have unpleasantness. I don"t have to attend school plays and recitals and Little League games or buy cookies and gift-wrap and sponsor walk-a-thons. I don"t have to baby-sit at the drop of the hat or get sucked into little family squabbles. I get to hear about everything after it"s resolved and has become a joke. When we do get together, everyone is happy to see me and I get to be the star attraction. Living apart from family is not a terrible thing."
"Still," Maryl insisted, "I couldn"t ask her to leave them. She needs them."