Twelve
In the early days of October, the air around the city was icy. At twilight, the dense layer of fog enveloping the city was reminiscent of the mists swirling around a freezer. Across the night skies, the darkness of the city was eerie, as though the G.o.ds had taken a ma.s.sive bell and covered the entire world with it. The heavy blackness which blanketed the world seemed to stretch on forever, taking everyone back by surprise.
Alone, I walked on the streets. The chilly wind swept past the roads, yet the leaves on the trees remained evergreen.
I made a call to Dong Xing. He was my childhood friend. I said, let"s have a drink together.
After Dong Xing agreed, he soon appeared in front of me, smiling jovially as he said, "I can’t believe this. You"ve actually come out in the middle of the night for a drink. Aren"t you going to spend time with your wife?"
Dong Xing"s natural disposition was unruly and uninhibited, and I was unable to match his carefree att.i.tude.
We found a bar. He was a familiar there, and as I took in the unfamiliar scent, my heart began to churn in its uneasiness.
Not long after Dong Xing sat down, someone came forward to strike a conversation with him. It was a regular customer of the bar, and Dong Xing quickly vanished with the newcomer, only reappearing when he was done playing. He took a swig of drink, slowly recovering his breath.
Slumping over the table, he said, "Say it. What"s wrong?"
I was no longer in the mood to pour my heart out, so I just shook my head. "What could be wrong. It"s just a drink - do we need to find so many excuses just like women?"
Dong Xing laughed, the overwhelming liquor in his breath lingering in the air.
I scooped up my jacket and prepared to leave, unable to bear this smell. If I needed to distract myself from my low spirits, I had already achieved it.
"Let"s go!"
"So early?" Dong Xing glanced at his watch.
"Jiajing will be worried," I said. This was the best excuse a man could give when declining to socialise, only, even as I said these words, within my heart, I thought: what would Jiajing be worried about? Worried that I would meet with an accident when I stayed out in the night, or that I would accidentally embroil myself with another woman, or about whether I truly had a so-called mental illness?
"You leave first. I still want to have some fun."
I left alone. I had only just taken a few steps when Dong Xing"s voice suddenly rang from behind me.
"If you"re here today because you"ve fought with your wife, then I should congratulate you."
I turned to face him, wanting to know the meaning behind his words.
"Because there"s never been anger in your marriage. Not because of Jiajing, but because of you, Gao Fei. You"ve never been angered once throughout your marriage."
As I inserted my key into the door lock, I was extremely careful. Pregnant women needed much rest, and Jiajing did not have much sleep these days.
I changed my shoes and saw Jiajing the moment I entered the bedroom. She was already in deep asleep, but the bedside table was still littered with the countless doc.u.ments that she had been perusing.
I ignored them, and kissed her on her forehead. In my heart, I said, "Jiajing, please believe me. I am not sick."
I thought of what I had said to Dong Xing before I left.
I said, "Jiajing believes that there is something wrong with my mind. Do you think there is?"
Dong Xing stared at me for a long moment. Eventually, he returned, "If it were Jiajing who believed that there was something wrong with your mind, then there definitely must be something wrong."
I was a little miserable that I needed someone to evaluate my health, wis.h.i.+ng for nothing more than to jump up and shout to the world. I hated this sort of feeling, but still, I begged and pleaded, just like the way I did now - Jiajing, you are the person closest to me now, so please believe me, I am completely healthy.
Then, I showered and retired for the night.
But I had never expected that Jiajing"s parents and my parents were all gathered in my house the next day.
Jiajing sat in one corner. She did not say a word; her lips were tightly pressed together. Combined with the determination in her eyes, I could clearly discern the persistence in her. She did not speak a word to me. She was just like a mighty and impartial judge - if you did not do as you were told according to her decrees, she had the means required to make you submit.
Jiajing"s parents were even more resolute, their stance unyielding. If I did not visit the doctor, or if I could not be cured, they would insist for Jiajing abort our child, then divorce me.
My parents stared at me, their faces pale, hair white. They did not know how to reject such a request. If I really had what Jiajing claimed to be psychosis, or some other mental illness, the guilt and uneasiness in their hearts would never allow them to persuade Jiajing in remaining by my side.
As I stood within my room, my mother caressed my forehead, watching as the tears fell from my eyes.
In a soft voice lined with a gentle hoa.r.s.eness only a mother would possess, she murmured, "It should not have turned out this way. It should never have been like this."
My father remained silent, but his right hand continued to rub against his broken leg. That was the eternal mark He Yujin had left in his life, something which would accompany him till the end of his life. Ever since his leg had been broken, whenever something grave happened, my father would make this unconscious action, for it had become a habit of his.
Between it all, Jiajing finally spoke. It was the only thing she said, but it was enough to make me bitterly disappointed.
She said, "Gao Fei, I will never accept a crazy man as my child"s father. And I can never accept a crazy man as my husband - do you understand?"
I no longer knew how to reply such a question. Things like "promises were never meant to be taken for real" were words only women said when their hearts had been broken.
In the end, she had even used the phrase: crazy man.
Crazy man - it was no longer psychosis.
I do not know if any of you have ever been called a crazy person by your family, but colloquial speech often harboured more feelings and sentiment within them than scientific names. Perhaps it was because they concealed within them greater emotions.
My heart clenched, as though a large saw had been dragged across it, cutting it open in its jagged, unrelenting path. Slowly, I said, "Jiajing, you have forgotten the pledges we made in our wedding."
It was not a question, but a statement.
"Don"t mention that to me. Gao Fei, if you were good enough, I would have treated you equally as well. But, ask yourself, were you? As long as you are willing to accept treatment, I would still live with you."
I insisted that I was not ill; Jiajing insisted that she was right.
Her parents wanted her to move back to their home. What they meant was that living together with a crazy man or a potentially crazy man could never be safe, for one day, without rhyme or reason, I could perhaps hurt her, because a crazy man never had to face the consequences of his actions.
Even if I murdered Jiajing, I would not be judged by the law.
My two hands curled into fists by my sides. I thought that in my two years of marriage to Jiajing, I had not slighted either of them in the least. I tried very hard to recall, did my best to remember, but still, I could not think of a single thing that I had done wrong. I called them "father" and "mother" even more diligently than I had called my own parents, and when it was New Year or some other festival, I fulfilled all my responsibilities to them as their son-in-law. Whether it was in terms of materiality or filial piety, I had never treated them unfairly, but why had things turned out in this manner?
I remember that I had never burned a single incense for He Yujin"s father, never swept his tomb even once. When He Yujin was still alive, she had once sacrificed herself to save my life. Later, I discovered her illness, and other than the new feelings of pity and guilt which had risen within me, I had not treated her well in the slightest. I had never shown her even a silver of warmth.
I constantly emphasized to her, He Yujin, I hate you. Even till the day I die, I will never love you.
Yet she continued to smile at me. She said, Gao Fei, I love you.
She used every method possible to plaster herself against my icy, emotionless face, just to bridge the gap between us.
She treasured me like the I was the most precious gem in the world.
I sent my parents back home. They were already advanced in age, but because of me, they had witness such a debacle, and I could not help my guilt.
When I returned home, I looked at Jiajing, who was currently packing her luggage.
I said to her, "You don"t have to move out. I"ll move."
So, we began to live separately.
***
In October, snow began to fall. The fine rain mingled with the white frost dancing across the skies, a hazy, chilly air laying siege upon the entire city.
As one strolled along the pathway to turn the corner, the ends of our pants, once dry and crisp, would be drenched with the puddles of rainwater. Though it did not seep through our socks, the clammy iciness of the water was impossible to ignore, for it seemed to have taken hold of our hearts in an unrelenting grip.
Yet the gripping coldness in the air did not seem to affect the early risers. Nor did it affect the elderly who continued their morning walks in the park as they listened to their ancient radios. You could see them, dressed in simple clothes as they did their morning exercises. You could even see the baby strollers, decorated with blue flowers, and the small children within them, pouting as they widened their eyes, curiously taking in the strangers that crossed their paths.
If one headed for the secluded alleys, one could even discover the pairs of lovers dressed in matching clothing. Some were kissing pa.s.sionately, and if you were not careful, you could become an unintentional voyeur. Watching them, just like a poisonous ivy which winded across the window sills, like a stranger staring at them from beyond the windows.
But this would never affect them, for they would continue to kiss in front of the windows, pa.s.sionately embracing, gently caressing. They would chatter on and on, making their pledges of love, looking at each other with eyes filled with happiness, even as their mouths curved into mutual smiles of bliss.
And you would continue to snake around the windows just like an unwanted vine, climbing upwards, stretching on and on. Perhaps, eventually, one of your tendrils would unintentionally cross the windowsill to brush upon the dim and dilapidated window panes. Continuing to stare at the people beyond the windows, from morning till night, never to be a part of them, always an outsider, looking in.
But none of this affected them.
Just like how I was unwilling to live separately with Jiajing, but still lived apart from her - this was something beyond my control.
Within this city, I had once searched for a thousand reasons, but I had never been able to discover even one excuse. Every morning, the garbage collector continued to arrive on the dot, the expressways continued to bustle with unending traffic, and the office rooms remained bursting with activity. It seemed as though my separation did not let anyone grant me the excuse to say, over.
I moved out, but I did not have a place to go.
Still, I did not return to He Yujin"s home. I moved to a hotel, and stayed there for over half a month.
I thought that when Jiajing"s temper was appeased, perhaps I could move back.
My child needed a complete family and a pair of parents on good terms. I did not believe that Jiajing could have forgotten that, that day, she had been the one who said to me, Fei, let"s be together.
And in this half a month, I had been promoted. My achievements spoke for itself. If I was truly unhinged like what Jiajing claimed, then just ask yourselves, which crazy man could have the ability to excel in work the way I did? So, Jiajing, you"re wrong.
I would use this to persuade her.
I really lived my life the way He Yujin wanted me to. Step by step, day by day, I lived the way a normal person would have lived. I did not destroy any chance which would allow me to return to my life of the past.
But I had never once considered if Jiajing would be willing.
In early November, she called me. That day, I was in a relatively good mood, thinking to myself that she must now be agreeable to patching things up with me.
Only, I had never expected that this would turn out to be a nightmare.
I stood in front of Jiajing. I tried my best to think, to comprehend exactly what she meant by her words.
In that moment, I detested the Chinese language.
She said, "Gao Fei, I aborted our child."
Her face remained unchanged, her five features serene. From beginning till end, not a flicker of expression crossed her face.
"You said, without getting my approval, you aborted my child?" I fought to calm the turbulent feelings which had reared within me. Don"t be agitated; don"t be agitated.
"En. If it were a little longer, it will be too late." She paused, then said, "Its features have already begun to form. I could not delay any further."
"Su Jiajing, who gave you the right?" I could no longer suppress my fury, and stood. I said, "What right do you have to abort my child, and what right do you have now to discuss how old it is as though nothing has happened? I never thought you had the capacity within you to be so cruel. This is your own flesh and blood. How could you bear to?"
She had not expected that I would blame her, accuse her.
She jumped to her feet, matching my stance, and shouted, "Then, who gave you the right to destroy the love in my marriage?"
That instant, I was lost for words. I stood there numbly. It was clear that my words had hurt her, for she began to cry. Even a tiger, though cruel, will not willingly devour its own cubs. Perhaps Jiajing had not been willing, but since she had gone through with it, I was unable to bring myself to forgive her.
"Gao Fei, I"ve said this before: I will only be with you if I believed that you loved me. Because of He Yujin, we broke up, but I did not blame you then, because I knew this was not your choice. Her family is wealthy and powerful, and we do not have the means to oppose them, so, I did not say anything then, and chose to back out.
"All this time, while you were married, still, I did not love anyone else. Gao Fei, I have always believed that I was still the person you loved, so I continued to love you. As long as you continued to love me, no matter how difficult the problem was, even if all I could have was to by your side as a friend, still, I would resign myself to fate.
"I only wanted us to have one chance - just one chance to love without reservations. But the Heavens have their own intentions.
‘Gao Fei, He Yujin has gone. You proposed to me, and I thought that the two of us had only just taken a detour in life, and now, we"ve finally returned to where we should have been. We would spend the rest of our lives together till death did us part, so I made those promises to you. But you have never understood what it means for a woman to pledge the rest of her life to a man." At last, she stopped; glanced at me. Tiredly, she said, "Gao Fei, you cannot give me. You cannot give me what I want, nor can I give you what you want."
What conversation there could have been died at her words "cannot give".
I stared at her abdomen, flat as it had once been.
I said, "Goodbye."
***
I did not know how I made my way to He Yujin"s villa.
I stood at the junction of the main streets, watching as a swarm of pedestrians hurried from one end of the road to the other, watching as the green lights turned red, and the people who walked transformed into cars which flowed. Under the neon lamps which shone upon the endless sea of people, the entire street was a riveting image, a riot of colour and activity. I stood beneath the traffic lamps, my eyes hooded.
I saw a naked baby walk towards me from the opposite end of the street. It was so small and fragile, and as he made its way through the crowd of people, I thought that he would be crushed by a pair of feet at any moment in time. Perhaps he was only as large as a little chick, swaying unsteadily as he moved. All around, no one else discovered him, a myriad of flowery shoes and trousers and skirts brus.h.i.+ng by him as the people hurried past him. As he moved, his figure would fade in and out of view, before he reappeared with a smile.
Slowly, he extended a hand that had not been fully formed towards me. His elbows and chest were still connected by a web of flesh. He trembled, spreading his two hands, reaching for me, looking like a small, flesh-coloured bat.
I stared at him even as I began to smile. I could hear the whispers which issued from his tiny throat; the cries which seemed like helpless pleas.
My eyes were filled with wetness. The white mist which mingled with the electric yellow of the traffic lights blurred my vision.
With a rustle of the chilling breeze, that little child was swept away. I touched my cheeks; felt something cold and wet, and knew that I had cried.
Then, with grief and indignation, I marched towards He Yujin"s villa. Using my keys, I barged into the house, flinging open the door.
I raced for the bedroom, and violently removed her photo, smas.h.i.+ng it towards the ground with all the strength I possessed.
The gla.s.s shattered into smithereens, and a fragment sliced across the photo where He Yujin"s face had been, just like a flower which had blossomed strangely.
I stared at the person etched within the photograph as I hollered, "He Yujin, you lied again, you"ve said before, you"re no longer in this world and you"ll never live to enjoy an old age. You’ve said that I will eventually return to live like a normal person. But take a look at what you"ve done? Why do you refuse to let me free even after you"ve died?"
Within the photo, she was displayed only in black and white, but she continued to smile the way she always did. In this world, she was the only person who could smile so blissfully and simple-mindedly on her funeral portrait.
After I shouted these words, I no longer had any strength left. I collapsed on the bed, utterly exhausted. Before my eyes, that child"s image appeared once again. He smiled at me, murmuring indistinct words. I buried my head within the blankets.
It should not be this way.
It should not be this way; it should never have been like this.
In the middle of the night, I was jolted awake. He Yujin"s photo was still lying there, the broken shards of gla.s.s littered across the grounds.
I bent down and picked them up. Because I had flung the photo with too much force, the gla.s.s fragments had left marks behind on He Yujin"s face, and it was a little ugly.
I wanted to throw them all away, thinking to myself that I could replace her photograph. Only when my fingers hovered over the dustbin did I suddenly realise a problem. I did not have a single photo of He Yujin, not a single one. I had not kept a photo of her in my wallet, nor had I hidden away a single photo of hers.
My hands began to tremble. I stared at the disfigured face within the photo, then said to her, "You deserve it. Who told you to do that."
Carefully, I placed her photo at the head of the bed, thinking to myself that I should make a visit to the photo studio to recover the image.
I laid on the bed, but sleep did not claim me, so I decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with He Yujin.
I said, "Will you also treat me in that manner?" I turned my body to the side, tilted my head to look at her as I asked, "If it were you, would you also treat me in that manner?"
If it were He Yujin; if she had my child; if she discovered that I was unhinged, that when we were married, I thought excessively of Jiajing or even imagined that she were alive and by my side, then, would He Yujin have aborted our child and made me see the doctor?
I thought of everything I had known of He Yujin and a.s.sembled them together. From her every move and action, I tried to imagine the att.i.tude she would have used in facing me, but after thinking long and hard, I could only think that, if she were with my child, she would definitely smile brightly as she walked towards me, and say, Gao Fei, we have a child.
And, if I were ill, to the extent that the doctor had even given a diagnosis, she would only say, Gao Fei, I love you.
Her love had always been independent, so independent that it bordered on absurd. Even without reciprocation, it still managed to survive, so persistent and stubborn as it was.
I leaned my face against her photo. Quietly, I whispered, "He Yujin, will you also treat me in that manner?"