Nine
15 May. Suns.h.i.+ne.
Every remaining day of my life was extremely precious to me. Gao Fei no longer went to work, for he had many things to do, from attending to my everyday needs to making other arrangements.
I was not unwilling, except, when I abruptly woke up in the middle of a night, I was filled with a sudden urge to kiss Gao Fei. I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Since the car accident, this was the first time I had taken the initiative to kiss him.
Amid the heaviness sinking into my mind, I felt that there remained some loose ends in my life.
I thought that Gao Fei and I should at least have a night of beautiful memories together.
As my hands wandered to the b.u.t.tons on Gao Fei"s s.h.i.+rt, he began to stir, and woke up. Gao Fei held onto my hand and asked me what was wrong.
I shook my head; my hands continued to unb.u.t.ton his s.h.i.+rt.
I said, "Gao Fei, I want you."
These were the most straightforward words I had ever said in expressing my desires. No man should have been able to reject such an enticement from a woman, yet my Gao Fei pushed me away.
Gently, he kissed my brows, and murmured, "Be obedient."
I should have listened to him. My body was frail, and it was impossible for me to withstand a night of love-making with Gao Fei.
But do you believe that a person"s will could triumph the limits of our bodies?
I thought that, perhaps, my body had been possessed with something strange that night, for my heart was seized with a strong desire to complete this.
Without pausing, I continued to undress Gao Fei, and then myself. I felt that Gao Fei was beyond hypnotising, and I savoured him the way a witch would have treasured a precious tribute.
Gao Fei remained reluctant, yet he did not dare to struggle against me, afraid that with a slip of his strength, I would be hurt.
Under his body, I sighed as I pleaded with him, "Gao Fei, just this once."
In the end, it was only because I used my trump card once again, staring at him with tear-filled eyes, that I attained my wish. During times like this, I felt that a woman who could cry was a blessed woman.
I said, "Gao Fei, before today, there was never a time when you were willing to make love to me." When he remained unmoved, I tried a softer approach, and said, "Gao Fei, as long as you"re careful, I will be fine."
Gao Fei was unable to contend against my words. His body towered over mine; slowly, he entered me, inch by inch, his movements careful, as though afraid that with a slip of his self-control, he would cause me to lose my life.
After a long moment, Gao Fei pressed himself closer, his movements halting as he forcibly suppressed his desires.
Beneath Gao Fei"s body, I accompanied his movements. The moonlight which flitted through the curtains illuminated his features and I stared at him and his body, as though in a trance.
Slowly, I saw the moonlight begin to transform into the bright rays of the rising sun. Our night of entanglement had left me immensely contented.
I raised my head to kiss Gao Fei. Gao Fei did not manage to enjoy himself. He was unable to lose himself within me, to forget his grief even for a moment, for the worry and anguish which shone within his eyes could not be hidden.
Within this night, I was the only one whose heart was filled with bliss.
***
Do you like Tsangyang Gyatso, the sixth Dalai Lama? He was a person who should have devoted his life to Buddhism, but instead, lived for material comforts as he sunk himself into womanly pleasures.
I liked him. When I was young, because of my poor health, my father led a frantic life as he used every means at his disposal in caring for me. Even so, no matter how wealthy and powerful he was, sometimes, there were still things that remained beyond his control.
As I practiced the teachings of Buddhism, I began to understand Tsangyang Gyatso.
He wrote a poem which I was extremely fond of -
That night,
I listened to the hymns till dawn, not for serenity, but to seek a silver of your soul;
That month,
I flipped through all the scriptures, not for enlightenment, but to touch the pages where your fingers once lingered;
That year,
I knelt on the grounds, my head embracing the dusts, not to pay obeisance to the G.o.ds, but to feel the warmth you left behind;
That life,
I wandered through ten thousand great mountains, not in search for an afterlife, but to cross paths with you.
In the past, I had often imagined to myself that this poem was a summary of my relations.h.i.+p with Gao Fei.
I existed in this world only for him.
Usually, the person who had the last laugh was the victor. That night, I was not the victor, for I did not attain my wish to enjoy the warmth of the morning sun. Smiling, I saw Gao Fei’s face began to blur, and then began my long slumber.
I slept for a very long time. When I awoke once more, the skies were already dark. I thought that the night had not pa.s.sed, but I did not realise that I had already slept for a day and a night.
Gao Fei stood there, his clothes tidy, and when he saw me rise from the clutches of sleep, he took a large stride forward, engulfing me into his arms, his embrace violent and forceful.
How selfish must a person be before he was considered to have crossed the line? To obtain a night of happiness, I nearly caused Gao Fei to become a murderer.
Gao Fei held me within his arms, grateful to the Heavens. My fingers brushed across his face as I smiled.
Gao Fei said to me that there were some feelings he detested, just like the way I had appeared in his life. But there were also some feelings that made his heart seize in fear, just like the way I had begun to leave his life.
He said, ‘He Yujin, you will never understand how much I hate you, just like how you will never know how much I care.’
He did not choose to say "love". Instead, he said "care". In my heart, I nodded and said I understood, but I did not vocalise these words.
He said, the fact that I could sacrifice my life to save him was not something surprising, for there was nothing I could not do, given the extreme way I loved and hated with the entirety of my soul. He even thought it possible for this entire accident to have been a play orchestrated by me.
"Except, when I saw you lying on the hospital bed, I realised that you were are not invulnerable.
"Except, when you quietly left home that morning and I could not find you when I woke up; when no one came to kiss me in the secret of the night as I slept, I realised there was no longer a need for me to pretend to be sleeping, as though I could not feel anything.
"As I searched my phone for your number, I actually discovered that I had not even saved your number. I relied on my memory to call you, but there were always a few digits which I could not remember. He Yujin, why is it that I cannot remember your number when we have spent two years of our lives together?
"Later, I went out in search of you, only to realise that I did not even have an inkling of the places you frequented. I did not even know where your father"s final resting place was.
"Only then did I begin to feel afraid. I thought, maybe, I should have treated you a little better."
I smiled at Gao Fei. He had always been an honest person.
He looked at me, and inhaled deeply, his arms winding around me in a crus.h.i.+ng embrace. With a tremor in his voice, he said, "So, thank you for waking up this time. You"ve already destroyed my life, so if you still wish for me to become your murderer, sooner or later, you"ll receive your retribution."
I curled closer to Gao Fei and laughed to myself. Just like all the times in the past, my laughter was as clear and bright as the chirping of a little sparrow.
I said, "Gao Fei, I love you."
These words were the definition of He Yujin"s life; the single wish in He Yujin"s life; the only reason why He Yujin came to exist in this world.
Gao Fei tightened his hold on me, yet his voice was filled with conviction as he said, "I have not forgotten what I vowed on the day of our wedding. He Yujin, there are some words which you will never hear in this lifetime."
***
I did not die as early as the doctors had antic.i.p.ated. Gao Fei spent six months by my side, living each day on tenterhooks.
The flowers which bloomed in June were brilliant, their colours enchanting to the eyes. Accompanying them was a cool breeze which rippled through the city soothingly. I turned to Gao Fei and said that this should not be a season for death, so I really did not die.
I thought that though I had not blessed with a lifetime spanning a hundred years, still, I had been fortunate.
But even the most brilliant sun would still have to set, the radiance of its sunrays fading into the night, just like my life, which finally peaked in the final days of July.
That night, I woke up at 3am in the darkness of the night. I was unable to sleep, my mind unusually lively and energetic.
I stared at my surroundings, and then at Gao Fei. Our home had long transformed into half a hospital, packed with countless medical equipment and emergency supplies.
I left our bed, and then searched the closet for my favourite clothes, before painting myself with the most radiant makeup. My cheeks were rosy beyond comprehension, and this was the most beautiful I had ever been in the recent months. Later, I went to the study and retrieved a book of love poems, possessing the pretentiousness of a young woman eager to wax lyrical after having only understood the faintest meanings behind literature.
I prepared everything. Then, I called Gao Fei.
I was extremely glad that I had been so wise in my foresight in refusing to enter the hospital for treatment. Otherwise, I would surely have been tortured beyond recognition, and the last moments of my life would have been spent surrounded by a crowd of quack doctors as they attempted to resuscitate me, the cold iciness of their medical appliances stuck within every inch of my body.
It did not take me very long to wake Gao Fei up. Ever since the accident, he had always been a light sleeper.
I was just like a little sheep as I clung onto him. Gao Fei quickly awoke, his eyes widening as he looked at me. With a jump, he stood up, the cloud of emotions within his eyes becoming increasingly shadowed. For a moment, it seemed as though he wanted to say something, but as he stared at me, taking in the way I had dressed myself in my best clothes, he seemed to have guessed something, and did not say a word.
I sat on the pa.s.senger seat in the car next to Gao Fei, watching him drive. The night breeze flitted through my outstretched fingers soothingly.
It was now in the dead of the night. On the road, there were few people and even fewer cars.
The hazy yellow of the street lamps mingled with the fog in the air. Our car travelled alone on the winding path leading to the summit of the mountains. I was heading for the peak of this city with the person I loved most. I heard that this was the closest place there was to the skies, so I wouldn"t need to exert too much energy to ascend to the Heavens.
Slowly, I saw the horizon of the city begin to fade into the shadows. My breath formed vapours against the gla.s.s of the windows.
I used my camera to take a photo of myself. Under the caress of the gentle breeze, as I journeyed past the little gra.s.ses and tall trees lining the road, sitting beside the person I loved, I tucked my photo between two pages of the book I had brought along.
I needed a perfect portrait of myself. This was not for Gao Fei, but for myself, after I died.
Gao Fei parked the car at the summit. All around us was a quiet stillness. Here, there was no moonlight, no sunlight, only the light from his eyes.
Gao Fei lowered his gaze and stared closely at me. I smiled at him.
We left the car and waited for the sun to rise.
I held my book as I read its poems to Gao Fei, a line and a sentence each time.
On the summit of the mountains, Gao Fei and I were alone. We were surrounded by an endless fog, and as we looked at the mountain ridges which seemed to stretch on forever, it seemed as though the both of us had crossed into an entirely different world by ourselves.
I read to him Li Yu"s Crows Crying at Night, Sima Guang"s Moon of the Western River, Zhou Bangyan"s Broken Cycle, and He Zhu"s Melody to the Green Jadeite Bowl.
All of these love poems were read through my contented lips. I thought that they were beautiful. I said to Gao Fei that I did not seek a next life, did not regret this life, and now, did not even wish to own the rest of his life.
Eventually, Gao Fei would be like a normal person, his life returning to the way it had been before he had the misfortune to cross paths with me. And I would no longer be in this world, never to enjoy an old age.
The first rays of the morning sun began to fade away;
The trees and vines continue to grow.
I searched the book for Tsangyang Gyatso"s work, and read to Gao Fei his poem, "That Night".
Halfway through the poem, I no longer had any strength left. Yet I said with all the righteousness and petulance within me, "Gao Fei, I"m tired. I"m going to sleep, and you must not wake me up. If you do, I will definitely ignore you forever."
Gao Fei tensed, but his body remained warm and comforting as he engulfed me into his embrace, murmuring in a.s.sent.
I thought that this must be the last time I would be able to feel the warmth of Gao Fei"s hug. I huddled closer into his embrace, and whispered, "Gao Fei, when the sun rises, you must not look at me."
Gao Fei nodded.
"Gao Fei, when the moon rises, still, you must not look at me."
He nodded.
I said, "Gao Fei, I really liked what you said to me that morning." Some words, if they were never vocalised, would never become true.
Exhaustion settled deep into my bones. Slowly, I closed my eyes.
I saw the morning sun begin to rise, their golden rays permeating through the fog swirling around the mountains. My body grew heavy; my soul began to soar.
I raised my head and stared at Gao Fei. The book of poems held within his hands contained the last verse of Tsangyang Gyatso"s poem in the pages behind my photo:
That moment, I ascended to the Heavens and became immortal, not for an eternal life, but to watch over you for a lifetime of peace and happiness …
I had lived through this night, this day, this year and this lifetime only for this moment…
End of Main Text.
Some thoughts:
This marks the end of the main text (He Yujin’s story).
Towards the end, when He Yujin said, "Gao Fei, I really liked what you said to me that morning." Some words, if they were never vocalised, would never become true. – The words Gao Fei had never vocalised were ‘I love you’. On the day of their wedding, he vowed that he would never say them to He Yujin.
Before He Yujin died, she said that she liked the way Gao Fei refused to say these words even at the very end, because if Gao Fei had never said them, they will never become true. Only if Gao Fei did not love her would he be able to move on after her death…
Only in the last moments of her life did He Yujin finally understand how to let go. From her extreme, obsessive love to, at last, truly wis.h.i.+ng for Gao Fei’s life to return to the way it would have been if she had never barged into his life… In the end, she understood what it meant to love a person, and hoped for him to continue living his life in happiness even if she would never be a part of his life ever again. The unsaid last words of Tsangyang Gyatso’s poem was her last wish – to die at the summit of the mountains, the closest place there was to the skies, so she could ascend to the Heavens, not for an afterlife, but to watch over Gao Fei for a lifetime of happiness when his life finally returned to the way it had been after she died.
But it’s too late. The marks she left in Gao Fei’s life can no longer be erased… and this, we will see in the extra stories, Gao Fei’s arc, which was also my favourite part of the book.